Another Parent Approached My Child

[CircussMasterr]

Just looking for a bit of advice. My DD was approached by another child’s parent in the playground before school last week. She came home and told me about it when school was finished. Apparently the parent said to her to leave their child alone or they would speak to me. To be clear, this parent has my husband’s phone number and knows where we live.

Now, I know my DD isn’t a saint, she can be bossy/rude, just like any other kid can. They are children, they do have disagreements. These, as far as I have ever been aware, have been dealt with by the teachers and are not anything out of the ordinary behaviour wise for kids of this age.

I’ve never been shy to tell my DD if what she is doing/how she is behaving is unacceptable and I do enforce consequences to her actions where needed. When someone treats her unkindly I have told her to firstly tell them what they are doing and how it makes her feel in case they don’t realise and then if it continues to just tell them she doesn’t want to play with them because they keep doing the same thing.

She has had a bit of an on again off again friendship with this parent’s child. They just seem to clash sometimes. This child now comes into school telling my DD that her parent is going to beat me up, her parent is going to come to our house and speak to me because my DD is bullying her etc. I told my DD to say that’s totally fine and that I am more than happy to have a conversation with her Mum. When I have seen this parent out they don’t say anything, I smile, they nod, that sort of thing. We’re not best pals but I assumed this was all just kids being kids as they never came to me or even hinted there was an issue.

Now to find out that they have approached my DD themselves and what I feel can only be described as intimidated her I feel really pissed off.

I called the school and the HT said that she didn’t feel it was something she needed to inform me about as it happened on school grounds and she dealt with it. We disagreed on this and she apologised and assured me that it would not happen again. She also told me she had spoken to the other parent.

My DD still struggling with this all as there is another friend that now seems caught between her and the other child and the other child seems to be making her choose a “side”.

This parent was at a school event that my husband was at and didn’t say a word to him. They haven’t reached out. I’m not sure what to do?

In an ideal world you are of course quite right. But if it were your kid coming home in tears every single day and self harming you might feel differently.
This approach was the only one that worked on a boy making my ASD DD's life a misery. My DH caught this kid in the act of tormenting our DD outside the school and had a word. Little shit didn't bother her again. Would it have been better for him to continue with his previous behaviour as nothing else was making a difference?
Odd how the bullies should have absolute protection from having their feelings hurt while their victims just have to get on with it.

And I agree... but I think it should come from a known adult to the child. Their own parent, a teacher.

Not someone else's parent in the playground.

Why do you think that's what's happening?

I have done this and i would happily do it again if i had to!

I would message the other parent something like, "I've heard my daughter may have been being unkind to yours. I'm so sorry, that must be awful for her and hard for you to deal with. If you can let me know any details I can help from this end to make sure it doesn't happen again. Thank you so much."

I'm not sure what you are asking. Your daughter has been unkind, the parent behaved inappropriately in response, the school dealt with it, and your daughter has hopefully learned a lesson about how she treats other people. Your daughter will have to deal with a bit of fallout but that's what happens when you bully someone. It will all blow over soon enough.

Depends on the age.

This would be inappropriate if the children at 5/6, but would be fine at 8/9/10.

100% this!

You need to report this parents actions to the HT straight away. A parent confronting a child on school grounds is never acceptable, regardless of what has happened.

Everything about something that happens at school needs to go through the school.

When my dc was 10 he came out of school with ink down the back of a very new coat.
He told me the 2 boys that had done it and as we lived in the school road I went straight up hoping the ht would still be there.
The 2 boys happened to be walking out of the gate so I asked them outright if they had thrown ink down ds’s new coat. They blamed each other, ofc, and I asked them if they wanted me to go see the ht who we could see sat in his office.
Obviously they didn’t so I told them to apologise to ds and not do it again.
Was I wrong?
They didn’t get in to trouble with school or their dp’s.
I remained factual and actually they were probably grateful that it went no further.

It’s a fact that the dc are more likely to listen to an adult. If the dm was factual and not intimidating then good for her, schools don’t take bullying seriously.
And let’s face it op you are blaming the parent rather than your dc who you admit is bossy and rude at times.

I very much doubt that the parent has threatened to beat your dc up.

And nothing will get done.

I would also tell your child to stay away from the child mentioned and avoid having any more to do with them. .

Why do you think from the OP’s post that that’s what’s happening here? How do you know the OP’s child is at fault rather than the other one - especially if the school haven’t said anything to OP?

My DD’s primary had one child who used to regularly fall out with other children and always told their mum that they were the one being “bullied”. They weren’t - and they did a fair amount of bullying themselves - but the child’s mum constantly went about saying her kid was being bullied by others. The reality was much more complex and the school had had cause to manage it several times. People ended up avoiding the mum in the end because she had a real blind spot about how her kid could never ever be in the wrong.

Parents simply should not be threatening other children about behaviour in school. They should be engaging with the school instead.

I’d be fuming. Adults speak to adults and they have no business approaching a child. I had countless fallings out in school, it happens a lot.

id approach the parent and say I understand you approached my child, id rather you don’t and in future speak to me, her parent, to resolve things. It’s deeply inappropriate to approach my child on her own.

It will. Had this situation recently and it was dealt with. The other parent no longer talks to me, but that's a win in my book.

Out of school, this would be more complex. But on school grounds, it is 100% unacceptable.

Quite right: It takes a village to raise a child. The trouble nowadays is everyones child is an angel and no one can reprimand them over bad behaviour unless they want a violent visit from the child's parent or worse one of Starmer's Stasi Police.

How old is your DD?

It sounds like it was dealt with by the school. No need to make drama when there isn’t one.

Wow. This thread is a horrendous pile on and blame of the OP and her dd when no-one knows the whole story.

In a school context, it should always be down to the school to deal with it.

I have been a teacher, and seen first hand how some parents just do not believe that their little darling has done anything wrong. That could be either child or either parent in this situation, but in my experience, the parent who goes after the other child/parent in the playground is more likely to be the one who is the parent of the bully, and in denial.

I have also been in a similar situation as OP with my dd. Like OP my dd was no saint, and there was an on/off friendship between them that kept going sour. But the other girl in this instance told whopping great lies to her mum about what happened in school. I was in the playground one afternoon when the mum walked up to my dd and started shouting in her face. I put dd behind me and spoke to mum. I repeated calmly that we should go and find the class teacher if there was an issue and ask the school to deal with it. Mum switched from shouting at dd to shouting at me. I stayed calm and repeated that we could go and find classteacher or HT, mum didn't want school to deal with it. HT came out at the commontion and escorted other mum off the playground.

How do I know that my dd wasn't the bully and the other mum 'at the end of her tether' as other have said? Well because so many of the stories her own dd told her were easy to disprove.
(eg - she picked on younger brother at playtime - my dd had been in the library all playtime. She hurt her dd at lunchtime. All witnesses said it didn't happen. She hit her kids with a skipping rope on the way home from school, dd hadn't walked home on her own from school for weeks because of the risk of bumping into this girl.) My dd ended up school refusing and in huge distress because of this parent. Were there issues between the 2 girls? yes. Were school dealing with it? yes. Was my dd the bully and the other girl the victim? No. It was 50/50 between them. Woudl the other parent accept that her dd sometimes hurt mine, and was equally nasty at times? No. Her dd was a saint and the victim.

It is 100% not acceptable for an adult to approach a child in the playground and tell them off. If there is an issue, go to the school. I am pretty shocked at the vigilante parents out there who would scare another child to protect their own.
It is nasty.

This was the only way a friend of mine got her daughter's bully to leave her alone. They tried all the normal channels and this was a last resort in year 6 after years of nasty comments from the boy to her and the school saying they had "zero tolerance" to bullying - which meant fuck all. I expect his mum would have also said he wasn't a saint.

100% agree with this. Why didn't she approach or message the parent? Because she wanted to intimidate the child.

There are two sides to every story, especially where children are concerned. Neither of them are saints, but it's not correct to assume that either of them are bullies either - they are probable just children!

Personally I don't think it was acceptable to approach the child directly in this instance. I'd have gone to the parent, or failing that the school to help the children navigate a way through this.

Or she has no faith in the parents ability to parent.

Whether your child is a saint or a bully, the other mum shouldn't have approached her personally. And it is outrageous that the head didn't tell you that it had happened.

I would and have done the same. My daughter was constantly being harassed by a child at football club and her parent, who was technically present but often not nearby (at the kiosk getting coffee or chatting on the phone) did nothing about it. The kid’s behaviour was certainly worse than average. I approached her and told her to stop hitting my child, or I would have to speak to her mum. She predictably burst into tears and went running to her mum, who came over and asked what the issue was, then apologised when she realised her daughter was being a brat. I had a lot more respect for her afterwards, and as a bonus her daughter hasn’t hit mine since.

This is your opportunity to do just that.