Another Parent Approached My Child

[CircussMasterr]

Just looking for a bit of advice. My DD was approached by another child’s parent in the playground before school last week. She came home and told me about it when school was finished. Apparently the parent said to her to leave their child alone or they would speak to me. To be clear, this parent has my husband’s phone number and knows where we live.

Now, I know my DD isn’t a saint, she can be bossy/rude, just like any other kid can. They are children, they do have disagreements. These, as far as I have ever been aware, have been dealt with by the teachers and are not anything out of the ordinary behaviour wise for kids of this age.

I’ve never been shy to tell my DD if what she is doing/how she is behaving is unacceptable and I do enforce consequences to her actions where needed. When someone treats her unkindly I have told her to firstly tell them what they are doing and how it makes her feel in case they don’t realise and then if it continues to just tell them she doesn’t want to play with them because they keep doing the same thing.

She has had a bit of an on again off again friendship with this parent’s child. They just seem to clash sometimes. This child now comes into school telling my DD that her parent is going to beat me up, her parent is going to come to our house and speak to me because my DD is bullying her etc. I told my DD to say that’s totally fine and that I am more than happy to have a conversation with her Mum. When I have seen this parent out they don’t say anything, I smile, they nod, that sort of thing. We’re not best pals but I assumed this was all just kids being kids as they never came to me or even hinted there was an issue.

Now to find out that they have approached my DD themselves and what I feel can only be described as intimidated her I feel really pissed off.

I called the school and the HT said that she didn’t feel it was something she needed to inform me about as it happened on school grounds and she dealt with it. We disagreed on this and she apologised and assured me that it would not happen again. She also told me she had spoken to the other parent.

My DD still struggling with this all as there is another friend that now seems caught between her and the other child and the other child seems to be making her choose a “side”.

This parent was at a school event that my husband was at and didn’t say a word to him. They haven’t reached out. I’m not sure what to do?

It's better to contact the school and not bother approaching the parent, let alone the child, but I can sympathise with parents when their child is being bullied.

The other parents always deny it, like the OP, but parents want to do something.

Strongly complaining to the school until they actually do something would be better.

Your use of capitalization in the title is irksome. Other parent did nothing wrong. hth

Going against the grain here. I'd put all this into a email to school to document it. One of the kids at school threatens on dd daily with the police. I honestly fear the dad as I have since found out he has threatened to hit a child to shut them the fuck up in school grounds in front of the SMT. The dad is talking about the police with my kid, but the other kids he is offering a beating too.

In case he decides to hit my child in the future I have a bigger picture.

agreed-
I had an instance when my child was about 6 at an after school club where a parent came up to me at the end of the club to tell me something like my son was being a bully or such like. I had never met this dad nor the son (different year group) and I was totally perplexed. I went to the club teacher and she was completely baffled - she said the boys barely even interacted during the club. She had never seen anything bad. The boys had zero interaction during school hours as year groups didn’t mix, even in the playground. The boy hadn’t even hadn’t mentioned anything during the class and they had been busy the whole time. She was really apologetic about it. My son was equally confused- . I quizzed him for ages about that he had said etc and nothing. Essentially the other boy had just, for whatever reason, made something up. The father just leapt on it and accused my son. Never had a problem again afterwards. Was all really strange. I’d have been raging if the dad had spoken to my son on his own and would have had to have escalated it to the school.

If you had a disagreement with a colleague at work, would you be entitled to shout and threaten them, whether on work premises or not? You might swiftly find you were the recipient of disciplinary proceedings at work or even a harassment charge.

Sometimes they are. The op shouldn’t just dismiss and be defensive.

Confrontation isn't easy but you need to go to this parent and address the situation. Make it clear that they need to come to you with problems and not approach your child without another adult present, unless the scenario calls for immediate intervention. The fact she went to your kid rather than you and hasn't since approached you suggests she's not keen to come to you directly either. Trust me, some parents WILL fight the parents of their kid's bully and they won't hesitate to start swinging when they see you.

It's also best to get to the bottom of what is transpiring between your child and this other girl. If your daughter is bullying her then you need to address that and to care because in your OP you sound dismissive of the other kid. If it's just the kids not getting along, which is common, then all parents need to teach your respective children how to either solve the conflict or stay away from each other.

I’d have done the same , giving her a good talking too.

@marshmallowpuff m 'kay. 😁

Is it normal, in your experience, for adults to approach children they don’t know, and shout at/threaten them?

You say you know your child is no saint but throughout the post, including what you have told your DD, all comes across as you painting DD the victim rather than her being held accountable.
I don't think there's anything wrong with another parent telling a child off. Some children need it.

Since when has telling a child that 'if their behaviour contintues their parent will hear about it' been vigilante or threatening? It's simple behaviour managment with consequences. Keep doing this = escalation to authority. Fair.

Thats partly the point i was trying to make. Unfortunately, because of the way the OP and her supporters on here respond, that is exactly what you have to do. Otherwise you become villified and hounded because you showed some public spirirt. The old, its safer to ignore than step up and be counted approach.

I once had a stand up argument with a school run mother about her parking her car 100% over a public footpath every morning blocking the path for me walking my dogs and for the school mums walking their children to the bus. "Who are you to tell me where to park". Type thing. When i pointed out 3 or 4 mums pushing their pushchairs with younger siblings in them and said it was impossible for them to get past her car do you know what those 3 or 4 mums did. They all turned their backs and didnt want to get involved.

Regardless of your DD behaviour, no parent should be chastising another child. I had several issues with my daughter and a boy picking on her, I saw the mum several times at the school gates, but everything went through the school.

That parent was correct.

I'm don't quite see the issue - the parent stood up for and asserted themselves for their child. Yours is a bully. How do you even know what your child said was true?

Whether it makes sense or otherwise, to approach someone else's child in this way is an absolute no-no. The Head Teacher needs to be taking this entirely more seriously than she did. This, unfortunately, is an all-too common response from schools when it comes to issues of bullying.

If bullying between children is unquestionably unacceptable, then intimidation of a child by other parents is absolutely unacceptable. It's also extremely stupid on their part as it opens them up to all manner of allegations and could have all manner of implications for their reputation or career. It's the action of someone who is frankly none-too-bright.

The responses on this thread are incredible. You don't know that OP's daughter is a bully, or who is to blame in a playground spat between two kids, and anyone with an atom of sense would not be involving themselves in this situation, especially as a first resort. The right course of action is to report all concerns to the school. Albeit the Head's handling of this situation would hardly fill me with confidence, she has apologised and given reassurances that there will be no repetition. I would take this as the starting point and ask to be kept appraised by the school - and IF it transpired my child was a bully I would take that extremely seriously and work with the school to resolve it.

When it comes down to a child being intimidated by a fellow student's parent, this is something that in no one's language should be tolerated. It's happened once, and allegedly been dealt with. I would view any repetition of that behaviour as harassment and respond accordingly.

It seems obvious to me that the parent should be approached first and foremost, not the child. I can't believe people think it's ok.

I don’t agree with parents approaching kids at school. It should be dealt with in school, by teachers first. But it doesn’t sound like your child is as innocent as you believe OP.

It’s impossible for us to know whose child is the problem here. When I was in primary school, a child’s parents frequently turned up at our house to yell at my parents that I was bullying their daughter when in fact she was bullying me and making up nasty lies. They couldn’t possibly believe their daughter was in the wrong.

I don’t think it matters whether OP’s daughter is a bully or not, approaching the child directly is inappropriate. But perhaps the school could facilitate some form of mediation between the parents.

Ask your daughter what she did to this child and take it from there.

The child could be lying or your daughter could be a bully.

The amount of people on here who thinks it is okay for an adult to approach a child is unbelievable.

OP I wouldn't personally have done what this parent did without going to the parent first, but I'm sorry to say u do sound very defensive of your child's attitude. To say rude/bossy like every other child is absolutely not true. My daughter is a bloody saint and has the kindest heart and has never been rude or bossy. So perhaps she felt u was a waste of time going to and approached your child instead, which tbh I've been tempted to do myself in the past but stopped myself because it isn't my way. She hasn't threatened your child just told them to stop being an arsehole.

It should be. Not these days, unfortunately. I'm rapidly concluding that Mumsnet started out as a parenting site but deviated from that track a long, long time ago.

I don't think it's inherently wrong to approach someone else's child when misbehaving. I get that it takes a village. It's better to just stick to times when you've caught them in the act misbehaving rather than just heard it second hand.