Another Parent Approached My Child

[CircussMasterr]

Just looking for a bit of advice. My DD was approached by another child’s parent in the playground before school last week. She came home and told me about it when school was finished. Apparently the parent said to her to leave their child alone or they would speak to me. To be clear, this parent has my husband’s phone number and knows where we live.

Now, I know my DD isn’t a saint, she can be bossy/rude, just like any other kid can. They are children, they do have disagreements. These, as far as I have ever been aware, have been dealt with by the teachers and are not anything out of the ordinary behaviour wise for kids of this age.

I’ve never been shy to tell my DD if what she is doing/how she is behaving is unacceptable and I do enforce consequences to her actions where needed. When someone treats her unkindly I have told her to firstly tell them what they are doing and how it makes her feel in case they don’t realise and then if it continues to just tell them she doesn’t want to play with them because they keep doing the same thing.

She has had a bit of an on again off again friendship with this parent’s child. They just seem to clash sometimes. This child now comes into school telling my DD that her parent is going to beat me up, her parent is going to come to our house and speak to me because my DD is bullying her etc. I told my DD to say that’s totally fine and that I am more than happy to have a conversation with her Mum. When I have seen this parent out they don’t say anything, I smile, they nod, that sort of thing. We’re not best pals but I assumed this was all just kids being kids as they never came to me or even hinted there was an issue.

Now to find out that they have approached my DD themselves and what I feel can only be described as intimidated her I feel really pissed off.

I called the school and the HT said that she didn’t feel it was something she needed to inform me about as it happened on school grounds and she dealt with it. We disagreed on this and she apologised and assured me that it would not happen again. She also told me she had spoken to the other parent.

My DD still struggling with this all as there is another friend that now seems caught between her and the other child and the other child seems to be making her choose a “side”.

This parent was at a school event that my husband was at and didn’t say a word to him. They haven’t reached out. I’m not sure what to do?

It’s fascinating how all parents know that the world is full of bullies… yet not a single parent ever recognises their child as a bully.
our own children are always “within normal behaviour” kids being kids or a little cheeky but nothing that warrants serious attention.

I think there's a massive difference between saying something like "stop throwing those stones at people!" when you can see it happening and going up to a strange child and accusing them of throwing stones based on second or third hand information. The first is a situation that needs immediate dealing with and the second is something that's better managed with a third party that can work out what's actually happened.

This child now comes into school telling my DD that her parent is going to beat me up, her parent is going to come to our house and speak to me because my DD is bullying her etc.

why is no one commenting on this, the other child is saying my mum will come and beat up your mum?!?! Other child / family don’t come across well, we can’t assume the OPs child is solely to blame. Having said that….
I told my DD to say that’s totally fine and that I am more than happy to have a conversation with her Mum.

…OP did you even address the accusation that your child is a bully?!

if I was in this situation I would want to understand what is going on by talking to the school, my child and other parent. I would make it crystal clear that another parent should not approach my child.

A parent had a go at my daughter following a residential trip in year 6. My daughter was hysterical apparently - school called to tell me, and also to explain that what the girl had told her mother wasn't true.

Basically this other girl was the class queen bee. Mum had just had a baby. She was worried about moving to secondary... we hadn't joined the school til year and werent part of the class clique so it was safe to try to land my daughter in it.

Anyway, point is, the girl made it up, mum believed her, shouted at my daughter....head was furious and I know the parent was told never to do something like that again.

I agree. I was on a packed bus once my kids managed to get a seat at the back of the bus . I couldn't hear or see them. We got of the bus and ds said a lady told of on the bus. I asked ds why. Because we were making annoying sounds. Me what sound was it . Ds this sound ... me well it is an annoying sound.

I would feel different if another parent approached my child over a school issue .regardless weather it's my child or the other child causing the issue. Or both.

Op
this happened me! The wee girls are all trouble together, this family must have discussed my daughter at home and the wee girl come in and told my daughter her parents don’t like her. I was furious that convo was had in front of a child to go repeat. The father, then gave off to my daughter in the playground!
No, you come speak to me and I’ll also enlighten you to a few things your little Saint had said/done!!

i don’t speak to them any more - the mother blocked me on social media while the father still spoke to me, I ignore him now! People of the church too…

Sounds like you also need help with reading properly before commenting!

Apart from when it's an adult, bullying a child it seems.

How do we make sure that other adults don't behave like hooligans towards our children?

Have you seen the rude, harmful and aggressive behaviour of many adults?

As far as I'm concerned, the "village" has forfeited their right to parent my child or any other child. Standards of public behaviour are too low, people are too selfish and it's become apparent that in the past many adults used their status as respectable members of the "village" to exploit and abuse children.

Unfortunately that does leave us with our "little families", as well as any groups or friends we make with similar values, to do all the parenting of our children. It's probably quite isolating compared to how parenting was in the past but nothing parents can do about that.

Manage your child’s behaviour.

I don’t actively go looking for confrontation with anyone.

What you do is irrelevant.

Grown adults frothing at the mouth at small children is not a good look. It's downright unpleasant.

They should know better.

That's the village that I grew up in. I was naughty but knew the boundaries and the consequences of disobedience. If I was out and about and seen misbehaving by a neighbour, by the time I got home they'd already phoned and complained.

I, I, I.

It isn't just about you. You might not actively go looking for confrontation. This isn't to say that others don't. And it is not acceptable in any circumstances to make a child the target.

Your attitude is quite telling as to much of the underlying source of this particular social ill.

So again manage your child’s behaviour and there won’t be need for me or anybody else to do it for you. But if it impact my child, it will be managed.

If you behave inappropriately around small children, you can expect come-back from either the school or the parents.

Confronting children in an aggressive manner is inappropriate. It's not "managing" behaviour, it's behaving incredibly badly yourself.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Being an adult doesn't automatically mean you are right. Adults are capable of bad behaviour, it's just we don't expect it from them in the same way we might expect it from children who are still learning boundaries.

Some adults have obviously never developed appropriate boundaries. Maybe you are one of them?

Such drama.
Speaking to a child is not 'inappropriate behaviour' ffs.

Depends what you're saying really. Of course "How are you finding football this term, Milo?" or "Would you like another snack, Isla?" are fine. Or even "Where's your Mummy, Lily? I'd like to have a word with her." And if in charge of the safety of said child or other children, "Get off that wall, please, before you fall", or "No hitting each other with sticks please, or Jack will have to go home" are also fine. Or "Calm down, you're getting a bit silly".

All totally different from aggressively approaching a child just after they've come out of school to threaten them when they may not even know what you're talking about. That's not only obnoxious but stupid. Young children live in the moment. You're expecting too much of them if you expect them to come out of being in school all day, recognise you and remember whose parent you are, take in and understand what you're saying to them, and link it to their earlier behaviour which they may have forgotten or which may have seemed justified to them at the time. And then be able to defend themselves to you if actually they disagree with your assessment of the situation and explain their actions.

Far too much for a child to cope with. That's why you talk to the adults around them instead, and they can approach it appropriately with the child.

No one should be "having it out" with someone else's child. They're not your equal and "pick on someone your own size" applies here.

oh stfu. You lot only understand looking out for each other’s children when it comes down to discipline. This forum has threads where people shudder at the idea of helping their siblings out with their kids or sharing treats.

And as for the “we are raising a generation of blah blah blah”, EVERY generation says this about the current one. The people before you thought your generation was as weak and pathetic as you see this one. And yes, thank goodness we are raising children who won’t be letting all the crap that went on in the 80s/90s offices slide without challenge.

Maybe the parent was sick to death of approaching members of staff and nothing changing

Friend approached her DD’s bully and said a lot worse to this child. She scared the living daylights out of him. He never bullied anyone ever again
She said he turned into a nice kid when he wasn’t being a bully

You don't fucking jump to those conclusions in the first instance about your child, ever.

I had this situation of being accused of bullying another child as a kid. I wasn't. She would not leave me alone and would attack me first in the playground, then I would retaliate. Her mum was an absolute nutcase who was jealous of me because I got the main part in a school play and because I started dancing younger than her DD and was ahead of her in grades. This woman shouted at me in the playground. Very rational towards a seven year old, I'm sure.

Fortunately the school and my parents believed me as they knew it was coming from the other girl, and indeed, her mother.

Have your DD's back here, OP. Tell the school what happened and ask them to speak to the parent. Speak to the other parent calmly and say "My DD told me you spoke to her the other day. Can you tell me what that was all about? Can I suggest if you have any issues you speak to the school, and let them deal with it."

We have very little to go on but it sounds like it could well be friendship issues. Please ask the teacher to look out for anything and keep advocating for your daughter.

The mother in my case bowled up to my mild-mannered dad at my dance class. I'd hardly ever seen him angry before or since and he gave her the dressing down of her life.

I was badly bullied by another girl
in my last year at Primary school.
My mother went in and spoke to the girl in the playground , told her to back off . She did. I think the OP needs to ask herself what her daughter is doing that is upsetting this other girl and her parents so much .

I think the best advice is for both girls to avoid one another at this point. Just do their own thing and get on with their lives.

This is a good point. Some kids don't tell their parents the full story so better to just reinforce the info that their daughter doesn't want her to talk to/about them. So do not talk to/about them.