Another Parent Approached My Child

[CircussMasterr]

Just looking for a bit of advice. My DD was approached by another child’s parent in the playground before school last week. She came home and told me about it when school was finished. Apparently the parent said to her to leave their child alone or they would speak to me. To be clear, this parent has my husband’s phone number and knows where we live.

Now, I know my DD isn’t a saint, she can be bossy/rude, just like any other kid can. They are children, they do have disagreements. These, as far as I have ever been aware, have been dealt with by the teachers and are not anything out of the ordinary behaviour wise for kids of this age.

I’ve never been shy to tell my DD if what she is doing/how she is behaving is unacceptable and I do enforce consequences to her actions where needed. When someone treats her unkindly I have told her to firstly tell them what they are doing and how it makes her feel in case they don’t realise and then if it continues to just tell them she doesn’t want to play with them because they keep doing the same thing.

She has had a bit of an on again off again friendship with this parent’s child. They just seem to clash sometimes. This child now comes into school telling my DD that her parent is going to beat me up, her parent is going to come to our house and speak to me because my DD is bullying her etc. I told my DD to say that’s totally fine and that I am more than happy to have a conversation with her Mum. When I have seen this parent out they don’t say anything, I smile, they nod, that sort of thing. We’re not best pals but I assumed this was all just kids being kids as they never came to me or even hinted there was an issue.

Now to find out that they have approached my DD themselves and what I feel can only be described as intimidated her I feel really pissed off.

I called the school and the HT said that she didn’t feel it was something she needed to inform me about as it happened on school grounds and she dealt with it. We disagreed on this and she apologised and assured me that it would not happen again. She also told me she had spoken to the other parent.

My DD still struggling with this all as there is another friend that now seems caught between her and the other child and the other child seems to be making her choose a “side”.

This parent was at a school event that my husband was at and didn’t say a word to him. They haven’t reached out. I’m not sure what to do?

its not clear from OP if the parent was tackling an ongoing issue, or responding to something happening right then.
EG if she heard "eww, you're a poo bum" or whatever then intervening immediately is fair enough.
If it's an ongoing issue, it should've gone via school, or potentially direct to you/DH.

Speak to DD and find out exactly what she claims to have happened.

Either way, it might be best to message the parent and ask what they feel is happening - you say yourself that the friendship is volatile so possibly they're hearing DD being upset about your ones behaviour

I'm not suggesting that should be anyone's first go to response I was replying to the suggestion that it should never ever happen which I don't agree with. Neither did I say that the OP's DD was definitely a bully, but her own description of the kid isn't reassuring and I suggested maybe she should wonder more abut the WHY of the situation! It could be that the other mum is some kind of deluded nutter but from what she said this doesn't sound like the case. If she feels her kid has been unfairly wronged, speak to the other mum!

We had tried all official channels with no improvement and after my DH caught this kid in the act of tormenting /humiliating our DD (what my husband witnessed was him spitting on her but believe me there was so much more...) he had a word the little shit backed off no blood was shed and and I fail to see what harm was done. Sometimes as a parent you just can't stand by any more.

BTW my DH is a mild mannered a IT consultant and about as far from a "vigilante yob" as it is possible to imagine. This was not at all in character for him but he had reached the end of his tether and seeing his little girl spat on was just too much for him.

So, is your daughter bullying her child? Not what you think; but from that other child’s perspective, is your daughter going after her in any way?

That is what the other child told OP's child her mother had said. We don't know she had actually said it.

Sounds like good for her for sticking up for her child, I wish I'd done this when another child was bullying mine. Maybe now she realises how it feels she'll be a bit kinder. Im so fed up of people not parenting their kids and using 'kids will be kids'

I read the title thinking id go mad at that parent. But then I read your post. I think it was unwise to approach your child BUT I really think you need to ask for a meeting and understand why.
Most schools do not involve the parents until it's quire serious. It's highly possible your child has been an absolute nightmare and you are unaware. It's frustrating when you have a parent who knows their child is "rude/bossy" but downplays the behaviour as normal for that age group. It isn't.
As a parent who is dealing with the aftermath of trying to rebuild confidence in my child following a falling out with a rude bossy child I urge you to do better. The parent of the child bully in my case also said she was sure she wouldn't actually have done it deliberately while being blissfully aware of half the truly manipulative shit she is pulling. It's laughable that the bully knows, The school knows my child knows and I know but the only one who can actually do something to discipline their child and stop it happening just thinks it's fine. It's not and this is on you. If another parent felt it necessary to speak to your child then perhaps you need to re evaluate your own parenting.

just go and talk to her

How many times do we see this.

Child is quiet at home. Whats wrong?
Child is upset at home. Whats wrong?
Child is withdrawn at home. Whats wrong and i demand an answer?

Child X is bullying me. OK tell the teacher

Child is still quiet, upset & withdrawn. Teacher didnt do anything. OK tell headmaster

Child is still quiet, upset & withdrawn. Right, leave it to me.

Next time she sees child X bullying her child mum tells her to stop or she will speak to her mum.

Child X's mum finds out and instead of dealing with her own childs issues of bullying another child tries to deflect onto other childs mum.

End of the day, there are always grey areas but the natural response of deflecting blame is why children start calling adults paedophiles in public when someone tried to maintain an element of civilisation. We all know that kids these days dont respect adults. They dont respect police, teachers or any authority. We get the little devils we deserve because we are incapable of being parents and dealing with our own issues.

Context is key here. If I saw my daughter being unkind to another child I would step in, as you have said you would OP. If I saw another child being unkind to my daughter and my daughter was not managing to stick up for herself I would certainly say “Oi, child, quit it!”.
But if this was an interaction outside of a scenario where the other parent witnessed an incident, she/he should have talked to you or to a teacher instead.
Anyway, you’re a grown up! Show the kids how grown ups communicate and start a conversation with this other parent yourself!

I don’t agree with the parent approaching your child, but as others have said I highly suspect your daughter’s behaviour is worse than you think.

If the headteacher has spoken to the parents I would leave it unless it happens again.

What I would do is reset behaviour expectations with your daughter and have a zero tolerance approach for rude/ nasty behaviour with serious consequences. Teach her that if she’s not getting on with someone she needs techniques (find another friend/ speak to a teacher/ walk away) which don’t involve being rude or bullying.

I’d also have a word with the class teacher and tell her what you’re doing, as well as asking really honestly what your DD is like in class. School might also be able to support. Childrens’ behaviour in schools is just dire at the moment and if your DD is like this at primary school, secondary is going to be a rough ride.

Paragraphs upon paragraph and the only words I understood were:

”My daughter is a bully”.

Are you proud that your daughter bullies other children?

I’ve been the mother on the playground where my toddler was being bullied and physically assaulted by a much older child and the mother was too busy socialising to notice. I tried speaking to the mother and she completely blanked me - I spoke and it was as if I were invisible. Obviously this child learned his behaviour from his mother and was acting out. So I spoke to the kid before leaving and told him he was a bully.

Obviously your behaviour has produced a daughter that bullies other children. Your response to this mother telling your daughter to stop bullying is to ring the school and be nasty to the person on the other end of the phone. You are a bully. You need to take a long hard look at yourself. You are not the victim here.

This other child sounds like she is pretty foul with her threats that her parents are going to ‘beat up’ your DD. It sounds like a pretty toxic relationship and I would be telling your daughter to avoid this girl and find nicer friends. I would also tell her to be nice to her friends if she wants to avoid having to deal with angry parents.

Ok. Say you saw, on school grounds, a child being physically assaulted by three other children. You are saying that you, as an adult, would leave them to it and run to tell the HT?

I did exactly the same to a kid in my son's class for bullying - I had his mother on the phone later that night giving me a really hard time. Her child had totally lied about what I said, where I'd said it and who was present which was thankfully easy to prove. She never spoke to me again - no problem. Her kid never bullied mine again. Win.

I would not be happy if a parent approached my child and threaten them.

They should have approached the school or OP.

Now you either assume the head teacher speaking with the other parent has made it clear not to do so again - or you can poltely approach the parent and say in future talk to the school or us but do not threaten my child again.

More generally I would talk to my child about their behavior and being kind and avoiding troublesome friends were possible. I'd also check with their teacher when I could to see if there are any concerns with their behavior.

I wouldn't assume it's easy to know what going on or who the bully is. Two cases in my family - where other kids were isolating or targeting kids in my family with SEN/ND and teasing bullying till they snapped and then getting them branded as bullies. When parents fianlly got them seperated kids in our family from then on were fine but other kids did exactly same tricks year after year with other kids.

I'd ring the parent, in a very calm state of mind. Say you understood she felt she needed to have words with your DD and you'd like to hear her version of events as the stories coming back to you are getting quite alarming (eg that this woman will come over and threaten your child etc) and you think it would be a good idea for you two mums to deal with it adult to adult to de-escalate the situation.

Really listen to her version, however shocking. Say you will ask your DD about it. Sound sympathetic if she mentions issues of bullying. Say you will discuss bullying with your DD and if she wants the two to be separated, say you will chat to class teacher to ensure this happens until the situation settles down.

But do also explain calmly that your DD thinks this woman will come and attack her family, and that this isn't helping resolve the issue, so you'd be grateful if she can chat to her daughter and explain this isn't going to happen.

I don't see why it's suddenly not allowed for a parent to talk to someone else's child. They obviously shouldn't threaten them but telling a child to pack it in used to be fine and still should imo.

I'd text the mum, not by way of confrontation, but to ask her what it was all about. And ask the school if they have any concerns about anything they have observed between the two of them.

I had another mum threaten me and tell me to stop bullying her daughter when I was about 8 years old. Totally out of order. I'd tried to be friendly with her DD but fell out with her as she became needy and a total pain in the arse. She used to try and sit next to me and copy my work. I was scared I'd get in trouble for letting her copy me. Then we I went out in the playground she would follow me around and not leave me alone. She came over, grabbed my hand and bent my fingers right back. I then lost my temper and kicked her backside. One of the lunch time supervisors had seen what was going on and she got taken to the headteacher and got into serious trouble, I didn't. Then her mum bollocked me the next morning.

I told my parents. We also went to the same dance class. The mum bowled over to my mild mannered dad and started yelling at him. That was the angriest I'd ever seen my dad. She was absolutely crazy and that's why her daughter was like that.

Bullying is horrible but just because someone says your child is bullying theirs does not mean it's true. One particularly ill advised child told his parents my GS was making his life a misery. His parents contacted GSs parents and he got told off consequences etc. GC came to me and said no one wanted to hear his side of it.

Turned out this 11 year old had sent GS a series of texts giving graphic details of what he thought GS and his mother were doing. Would have been illegal due to GSs age never mind incest. For some reason this child couldn't figure out GS no longer wanting to be his friend and was ignoring him and decided this was bullying

I got the consequences stopped and the other child's parents were informed with evidence of why GS wasn't being nice. School was also informed due to this being a possible safeguarding issue.

Yes bullying allegations aren't always true.

Exactly. It is problematic this age. Some children are by nature more assertive than others and it can put the less assertive children’s backs up. They get labelled bossy and rude, particularly girls who are expected to be quiet and play nicely, compared to boys who are allowed to be a bit rambunctious . they are little, and they obviously over time need to learn how they moderate their assertiveness to a given situation and how it affects others. Most do learn this over time at school. It doesn’t necessarily mean they are bullies though- just learning like the others. If it crosses in bullying then I expect the school to work with the parents to make it stop. it is never right for another parent to speak to your child about it- you go to the parent to discuss.

Because it might not be true?

I don't think she did anything wrong tbh. Tell your child to leave that child alone otherwise their mum will tell her off. That's normal, the alternative would be for her to tell a teacher who will in turn tell her off!!!

I don’t think any parent should be approaching someone else’s child, if there is an issue parents should take it up with the school, especially because children don’t always tell the whole story to their parents.
My child was approached by another parent at the school gates and told ‘stay away from my child you fucking bully’
my child was really upset by it, I spoke to the school they confirmed that there was no issue between the children that they were aware of, spoke to the child at length to try and get to the bottom of it, he had no idea why his mum had said it so it was put down to a case of mistaken identity but I told my child avoid the other incase he had inadvertently done something.
The school contacted the parent who wouldn’t engage at all with the school to see what the issue was and left a message for her to state that she was not to approach children directly.
She did the same thing to another child about 6 weeks after mine, the parent put a complaint into school.
6 months later she saw my child in the street and stopped her car and had another go at him despite them going to different secondary schools and they had had no contact in a couple of months.
The police gave her a warning after that as I reported it and it’s only after that my child felt he could walk around without worrying.
No child is a saint but approaching other children based on something your own child has said can really cause trouble.
The school if aware of incidents between the girls should be making both parents aware and what they are doing to solve the problem. They’ve let you both down if they haven’t communicated about issues and both sides need to go through the proper channels to rectify it.

The other mum probably thought you wouldn't deal effectively with the situation, and she was probably right.