Wife refuses to rehome cat that scratches baby

[zorkolot]

I would like everyone's honest opinion. My wife and I have a 7-month old baby and 2 cats. 1 of the cats is appropriately social and docile. The other cat scratches impulsively, is unpredictable when feeling defensive, and tends to scratch and dig his nails even when playing (I'll call him Fluffy). My wife says Fluffy was weaned a bit too early and this is just the way he is.

We had an incident a few months ago, where Fluffy scratched our daughter on the face bad enough to break the skin and leave a scratch. We think it's because she grabbed his tail (while she was in a sleeper on the couch) and this surprised him and he swatted instinctively. I told my wife then, that this was a problem- that while I tolerated Fluffy impulsively scratching us adults- that I no longer thought it was a good idea for him to be around our baby; that #1 he has proven he has no problem scratching her and #2 she is too young to know any better and will eventually try to grab the cat again. I asked her if it it would be ok to send Fluffy to her mother's (who has taken care of the cat before). Her mother lives about 40 minutes away on the other side of town, but we do visit at least monthly. My wife's response was defensive and while she told her mother about the request, she refused to follow through and rehome the cat. She believed our daughter would learn the hard way, by being scratched enough times (as stupid as that sounds), and that she would learn to engage with this cat differently. I thought this was unreasonable given our daughter's age, that we can't teach her yet to avoid situations like this, and that it would only result in unnecessary injury to her.

Last night, Fluffy scratched our daughter on the face again. This was a lighter scratch that thankfully didn't break the skin. My wife said she was partly to blame because she allowed the cat to get too close to our daughter- and when she moved to shoo him away that Fluffy jumped up frightened and somehow scratched our daughter on the face in the process. She felt since it was an accident and not on purpose- that the cat was not at fault.

My problem with her reasoning is whether the cat means to or not- or daughter gets scratched. A cat that means to do something can be taught to discourage the behavior. A cat that scratches instinctively or defensively however, cannot be taught anything and will just keep scratching. I feel our daughter is going to get victimized again and again from this cat.

I again brought up the subject of rehoming the cat with her mother, to which she refused, insisting it was an accident. We argued that night, where I claimed she chose the cat over our daughter. She said that made her "feel terrible", for which I did not feel particularly sorry for since I knew it was the truth. I suggested we rehome the cat with her mother until DD is old enough to talk and understand to be careful around Fluffy. My wife was uninterested.

Today, my wife sent me a text while I was at work. She refuses to rehome Fluffy with her mother, and said that many things could be dangerous to DD and we can't prevent them. She brought up unrelated subjects like falling off the couch, me, the baby's own nails, the babysitter, the baby sitter's animals, and her mom's dog. I think my wife's attitude is ridiculous.

I am wondering about next steps.

No, a responsible parent risk assesses situations. Removing the cat doesn't remove the issue, that the parents havent cared to keep the child safe. The DC will still be more at risk from stairs, sharp objects, sharp corners, water, electricity. Responsibile parents can keep a child safe around a cat.

Seriously? You can't imagine what would be worse than a cat lightly scratching a baby's face? I can imagine a deeper scratch. Or a bite. Or a scratch on the eye which blinds the child.

@C152

But you have no reason to assume those things will happen and good reason to suppose they won't. The cat has lived with the child for 7 months and has scratched them intentionally once, after (from the cat's perspective) an extreme provocation. A provocation which can be avoided in future with relative ease. As demonstrated by the thousands upon thousands of families successfully managing small children alongside cats who will scratch if sufficiently provoked - among whom there is a marked absence of blinded and disfigured children secondary to cat attacks(!)

It's possible to scratch yourself whilst gardening, develop necrotising fascitis and die. It's possible that the baby might find a slug, eat it and get lung worm encephalitis, and die. Does that mean she needs to be protected from gardening? Should OP insist that they move to a high rise? Avoid all future contact with soil?

A risk being something you can imagine (which could more or less encompass anything depending on how paranoid you are) doesn't mean it needs to be eliminated from possibility at any cost.

In this case, uncompromising insistence on rehoming the cat is likely to cause significant and harmful acrimony between the child's parents. This approach taken to its extreme will lead to one of two outcomes: the wife concedes to an ultimatum resulting in bitter resentment on her part, or the wife digs her heels in, in which case however right he believes himself to be, the OP cannot force the child's mother to surrender either the cat or the child. The idea that a court would intervene in this matter (as suggested by a PP) is absolutely ludicrous, a delusional fantasy.

Clearly there is a range of opinions on this subject. The OP needs to reach an agreement with his wife taking into account her perspective.

No that's right, my two children who have grown up with multiple cats, plus all the babies and toddlers I used to work with are just a figment of my imagination.

If you don't know the difference between a cat and an inherently vicious and known to be extremely dangerous dog breed then I can't help you.

he knows it’s more difficult keeping a toddler away. That’s part of the problem? I just see the risk to baby’s eyes in particular as too high. If my child’s eyesight were damaged by a pet after we’d had this many conversations I don’t see how our marriage could survive. Fundamentally I wouldn’t trust my partner to parent our child.

the bit I don’t like is the ‘it happened on her watch.’ She’s home with a 7month old. This usually means her watch is all day and all night, and also at the same time as doing everything else. When you’re so amazing at protecting your daughter op, are you also putting the washing on and tidying and washing dishes and having a shower or going to the toilet and getting a little bit of essential sleep as you only had a few hours the night before?

Poor fluffy, cats are family too.

This might work in about 3 years, until then, let’s just all hope the kid doesn’t lose an eye.

I'm a bit surprised as cats normally stay away from babies/toddlers/people they see as a threat, ours certainly did without needing to scratch. Some cats really are very quick to get their claws out (I'm looking at yours, FIL) and only you two can judge whether this is a frightened/spiky cat who would be happier elsewhere, or whether they just need a bit of time and space. Don't force them together though it won't end well.

Yep. Exactly that.

WTF is the health visitor going to do?!

Wise up. The cat is not aggressive. The parents need to look after their baby better. It's not the cat's fault!

A murdering see you next Tuesday that's who!!

Gets out the world's tiniest violin. There are some hateful people who would be cruel to animals instead of just looking after their own child!!!

Clearly not an animal lover are we!

Bloody hell, the rest of us managed it!!!

How many one-eyed babies have you ever seen, where the damage was caused by a cat?!

The cat scratched but didn’t break the skin? So not a scratch then. I’m with the wife and I’d be telling the little one not to grab the cat either. Child will soon learn.

Theres lots of things I haven’t seen but it doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened or couldn’t happen. I’m not passing judgement on what they should do with the cat btw, I was pointing out to the PP that expecting a 7mo to ‘learn’ how to behave around the cat is totally mental.

I've never in my life heard of a cat scratching a child's eye out! I'm pretty sure it would be newsworthy if one did! You cannot be this precious about your children or you'd drive yourself mad!

What if you went out for a walk and a bird swooped down and swiped their eye out?!!!

Hmm - I didn’t mean lose an eye like the cat was going to ping it out 😂. I meant lose the sight in the eye, which could easily happen if the cat scratched the kids eye. It scratched her face, it could have been her eye.

I’m not precious at all fwiw but I wouldn’t think it sensible to leave a baby alone with a cat who has already scratched it twice. Clearly mitigating action needs to be taken because aside from anything, no one likes being scratched and the cat is clearly getting annoyed / mistreated by the kid.

You’re being ridiculous.
You sound like a bit of a knob tbh, op. In the way you treat your family and the way you write about your wife. I bet it’s not the first thing that means something to her that you’ve tried to make her give up.

The cat clearly felt the need to defend itself, it felt scared. Keep the cat and the baby apart until the baby understands (and she will soon learn). Are you going to keep her away from other kids too? Keep her from playing outside?

You need help for your control issues.

It was sarcasm.

Not one person has suggested continuing the leave the baby alone with the cat. A baby that young should always be supervised.

Why do I have to be an animal lover? I prefer people.

So then we’re not disagreeing, are we?

Give the cat a stern telling off and send it on a course.