Wife refuses to rehome cat that scratches baby

[zorkolot]

I would like everyone's honest opinion. My wife and I have a 7-month old baby and 2 cats. 1 of the cats is appropriately social and docile. The other cat scratches impulsively, is unpredictable when feeling defensive, and tends to scratch and dig his nails even when playing (I'll call him Fluffy). My wife says Fluffy was weaned a bit too early and this is just the way he is.

We had an incident a few months ago, where Fluffy scratched our daughter on the face bad enough to break the skin and leave a scratch. We think it's because she grabbed his tail (while she was in a sleeper on the couch) and this surprised him and he swatted instinctively. I told my wife then, that this was a problem- that while I tolerated Fluffy impulsively scratching us adults- that I no longer thought it was a good idea for him to be around our baby; that #1 he has proven he has no problem scratching her and #2 she is too young to know any better and will eventually try to grab the cat again. I asked her if it it would be ok to send Fluffy to her mother's (who has taken care of the cat before). Her mother lives about 40 minutes away on the other side of town, but we do visit at least monthly. My wife's response was defensive and while she told her mother about the request, she refused to follow through and rehome the cat. She believed our daughter would learn the hard way, by being scratched enough times (as stupid as that sounds), and that she would learn to engage with this cat differently. I thought this was unreasonable given our daughter's age, that we can't teach her yet to avoid situations like this, and that it would only result in unnecessary injury to her.

Last night, Fluffy scratched our daughter on the face again. This was a lighter scratch that thankfully didn't break the skin. My wife said she was partly to blame because she allowed the cat to get too close to our daughter- and when she moved to shoo him away that Fluffy jumped up frightened and somehow scratched our daughter on the face in the process. She felt since it was an accident and not on purpose- that the cat was not at fault.

My problem with her reasoning is whether the cat means to or not- or daughter gets scratched. A cat that means to do something can be taught to discourage the behavior. A cat that scratches instinctively or defensively however, cannot be taught anything and will just keep scratching. I feel our daughter is going to get victimized again and again from this cat.

I again brought up the subject of rehoming the cat with her mother, to which she refused, insisting it was an accident. We argued that night, where I claimed she chose the cat over our daughter. She said that made her "feel terrible", for which I did not feel particularly sorry for since I knew it was the truth. I suggested we rehome the cat with her mother until DD is old enough to talk and understand to be careful around Fluffy. My wife was uninterested.

Today, my wife sent me a text while I was at work. She refuses to rehome Fluffy with her mother, and said that many things could be dangerous to DD and we can't prevent them. She brought up unrelated subjects like falling off the couch, me, the baby's own nails, the babysitter, the baby sitter's animals, and her mom's dog. I think my wife's attitude is ridiculous.

I am wondering about next steps.

I have lived with cats most of my life. And I don't think comparison to XL Bullies is warranted.

It is clear OP is anxious, and, more specifically does not like cats. None of the two accidents seemed like a malicious attack by a cat - that should warrant re-homing.

Of course one needs to supervise the cat and the baby. And - cat's claws need to be trimmed, so scratches aren't an issue. But other than that - babies/toddlers quicky learn not to pull cats' tails. It's a good thing to have pets around kids - to learn all kinds of things.

I had a particularly grumpy/feisty cat when my kids were babies/small. Kids do learn very quickly not to torment the pet. Both grew up with respect and love of animals.

There's very few cats that wouldn't scratch when their tail is pulled. I'm not getting the impression that Fluffy is particularly unusual, more that your daughter needs closer supervision in his presence. Fluffy also needs safe places to get away to, where he can't be reached.

Cats don't seriously injure the way that dogs can, there's no comparison. They also fundamentally just want to be left alone - it's not like Fluffy has any interest in hunting your child or resource guarding, the way a dog might. If given the opportunity to avoid contact, Fluffy will avoid contact.

So personally, I do think YABU but I also kind of think your wife is BU if her plan is to allow your daughter to hassle Fluffy on the basis she will learn from being scratched. It's better than your daughter is prevented from touching Fluffy, which honestly isn't that difficult as I can't imagine Fluffy wants to be anywhere near her. As she gets older, she can be taught to leave Fluffy alone, which again isn't particularly difficult.

I have a cat and young children. The cat will absolutely scratch if stressed, cornered, hassled etc and certainly if his fur or tail is pulled. I do not allow the children to do these things to him, ergo they do not get scratched. Rehoming would be a bit drastic.

I'd say a child will be at least 4 or 5 years old before they have the maturity to pet/stroke a cat and interpret it's signals to back off (unless the cat is unusually soppy and docile). You both need to adjust your expectations I think.

That's a fucking hideous thing to say!!

Oh dear god, he's not going to get more than 50-50 over a cat! Seriously?!

I had 5 cats when DD was born. None were ever left in a room with her without supervision. If you and your wife are supervising your 7 month old as you should be, how has there been scratches? Cat shouldn’t be able to get close to baby without either of you noticing. Nor baby being able to pull the cats tail without being stopped from doing so. This cat isn’t out to harm your child, you’re just not supervising or being alert enough. In a couple of years your child could start to have a lovely relationship with the cat that could span years. Mine wouldn’t go near DD for the first couple of years because of the loud crying etc that babies do, even shrieking in excitement if the cats tried to come near would send them running. As time went on the relationships built and it’s been a big part of her life, she adores them.
When I was a baby my parents left me napping in the pram in the back garden. They came out to check on me only to see their cat lying on my face. My DF immediately took it as a threat to me and put the cat in his car, drove miles away and dumped him out in a field. Hours later he felt guilty and went back to get him but gave him to his GM and Aunty.
What I’m saying is don’t be convinced that the cat is trying to hurt your child. You can easily foster a relationship between your baby and the cat. It just takes time and the most important part is supervision. You’re letting the baby down if you’re not supervising her contact with the cat, ready to intervene. Your wife isn’t wrong. The cat is not to blame.

That's absolutely disgusting!!!!

Bullshit. The baby needs to be properly supervised and the cat kept in another room for a bit. Quite simple. I had 4 cats and 3 children and none of my kids ever got scratched when they were little.

You don't fucking abandon your pets when you have a baby! You get your finger out and manage the situation!

Talk about an overreaction!!!

That is disgusting. You’d have an animal euthanised just for the parents not supervising properly. You’re disgusting and have clearly never gone through taking any pet for that procedure. It’s heartbreaking enough to do to one that’s completely loved. You don’t have the right to state something so disgusting as an off hand response. The problem is with the parents not supervising closely as they should be. You’re blaming and advising killing the cat. Shame on you. Disgusting.

It's a bit bonkers the number of people who are reacting as though this is a Pitbull. This isn't a child safeguarding issue. This animal weighs less than 5kg and poses approximately the same level of threat as a bramble. Except it likely actively wants to escape/avoid interactions with the child. It doesn't take a lot of research to establish that there are zero maulings of children by cats.

Wait a minute - she hit the cat?!

THIS!

Is that not bloody obvious? You can't keep messing the cat around moving it like that! You're either committed to him or you're not. What if you have another baby? Are you just going to keep fucking Fluffy back and forth for the rest of his life?!

This. Keep the cat in a different room to the baby. It's not hard to close door after yourselves. This cat is not attacking the baby without provocation. The cat will get used to the baby once baby crawls/walks and will avoid the baby. The baby will grow up and understand not to pull the cats tail. I think your wife is right in not rehoming a cat that has done nothing really wrong. Why should the cat pay for your DC pulling it's tail? Talk to DC and explain gentle hands and leave the cat alone.

This is one of the most farcically over the top things I've ever seen on this site. In what way does it get worse than the cat scratching the baby? It's already done its worst. It's not going to pull a shotgun out from behind its back. It's literally only ever going to scratch the baby and then run away. Something which will at worst, require a cuddle and a plaster, and is also easily preventable through very simple measures. The cat is already likely to be learning very fast to remove itself from proximity to the baby if given the freedom/opportunity to do so. Omg

I owe my existence to a long-dead scratching cat. My grandfather's first wife was scratched by a cat, and she died. He eventually married my granny. That was a very long time ago though, because my granny would be 112 this year! I think modern medicine could probably have saved first wife.

This . Cats scratch, if they get pulled around, that’s what they do. Just keep the baby away from the cat until baby understands to leave the cat alone .

No, it doesn't. These people need to start acting responsibly, and take the precautions that other pet owners do when they have babies.

My cats were afraid of my babies and gave them a wide berth!

I agree with this. I think it's great for children to grow up with pets because it gives them a love of animals, and teaches them empathy. I grew up with cats (and other animals) and so did my children. All three of them have a great love for animals, and I am proud of that.

(In case it's not clear I'm in full agreement with you)

This is a fairly immobile baby. So she probably hasn't approached the cat. The cat obviously doesn't enjoy contact with the baby and is quite likely to avoid her also. So an adult, presumably mum, who is fond of the cat, is trying to foster a relationship between the baby and the cat by sitting them next to each other and encouraging the baby to handle the cat. I presume. Or the baby has managed to approach the cat whilst it was asleep or before the cat has learned "avoid the baby". Stop forcing interactions, stop the problem. It's not something that requires hawk like vigilance or substantial modifications around the home. Just give the cat the opportunity to avoid the baby, and it will. Give the cat a sleeping place the baby can't reach. Don't encourage the baby to hassle the cat, and prevent her from doing so as necessary. OP should have asked for advice from people who have actually met a cat.

This. Her lack of care and apparent blame on a baby is very worrying. What happens if the cat gets her eyeball next time?

Oh FGS. Of course it’s not disgusting. It’s a perfectly reasonable consideration for a cat that harms a child

How on earth are you letting a baby be around pets unsupervised, especially when you know what they are like? It's on both on you. You need to do better.
My own dog bit my DS just above his eye at a similar age and I took my DS to the Dr's. They informed SS as a matter of routine.
Was your DD taken to the Dr's - tetanus?
Long story short, SS rang. I had taken dog to the vets and he had arthritis which made him sensitive to touch. Dog was put on medication. SS were satisfied with the action taken and didn't suggest getting rid of dog. Never any problems since.

Oh FGS, it totally is fucking disgusting! What decent person would kill a healthy cat for just doing what cats do? The parents are negligent. It's not the cat's fault AT ALL.

Oh, how provocative, yawn