Wife refuses to rehome cat that scratches baby

[zorkolot]

I would like everyone's honest opinion. My wife and I have a 7-month old baby and 2 cats. 1 of the cats is appropriately social and docile. The other cat scratches impulsively, is unpredictable when feeling defensive, and tends to scratch and dig his nails even when playing (I'll call him Fluffy). My wife says Fluffy was weaned a bit too early and this is just the way he is.

We had an incident a few months ago, where Fluffy scratched our daughter on the face bad enough to break the skin and leave a scratch. We think it's because she grabbed his tail (while she was in a sleeper on the couch) and this surprised him and he swatted instinctively. I told my wife then, that this was a problem- that while I tolerated Fluffy impulsively scratching us adults- that I no longer thought it was a good idea for him to be around our baby; that #1 he has proven he has no problem scratching her and #2 she is too young to know any better and will eventually try to grab the cat again. I asked her if it it would be ok to send Fluffy to her mother's (who has taken care of the cat before). Her mother lives about 40 minutes away on the other side of town, but we do visit at least monthly. My wife's response was defensive and while she told her mother about the request, she refused to follow through and rehome the cat. She believed our daughter would learn the hard way, by being scratched enough times (as stupid as that sounds), and that she would learn to engage with this cat differently. I thought this was unreasonable given our daughter's age, that we can't teach her yet to avoid situations like this, and that it would only result in unnecessary injury to her.

Last night, Fluffy scratched our daughter on the face again. This was a lighter scratch that thankfully didn't break the skin. My wife said she was partly to blame because she allowed the cat to get too close to our daughter- and when she moved to shoo him away that Fluffy jumped up frightened and somehow scratched our daughter on the face in the process. She felt since it was an accident and not on purpose- that the cat was not at fault.

My problem with her reasoning is whether the cat means to or not- or daughter gets scratched. A cat that means to do something can be taught to discourage the behavior. A cat that scratches instinctively or defensively however, cannot be taught anything and will just keep scratching. I feel our daughter is going to get victimized again and again from this cat.

I again brought up the subject of rehoming the cat with her mother, to which she refused, insisting it was an accident. We argued that night, where I claimed she chose the cat over our daughter. She said that made her "feel terrible", for which I did not feel particularly sorry for since I knew it was the truth. I suggested we rehome the cat with her mother until DD is old enough to talk and understand to be careful around Fluffy. My wife was uninterested.

Today, my wife sent me a text while I was at work. She refuses to rehome Fluffy with her mother, and said that many things could be dangerous to DD and we can't prevent them. She brought up unrelated subjects like falling off the couch, me, the baby's own nails, the babysitter, the baby sitter's animals, and her mom's dog. I think my wife's attitude is ridiculous.

I am wondering about next steps.

Bullshit

What a goady and nasty post. This couple bought an animal which no longer fits with their life since their child has been born. Some simple changes could easily rectify the situation yet here we are with another random person on the internet wanting to put an innocent animal down through no fault of its own. Vile.

I'm just watching the youngest of my three cats play with a fabric mouse in my living room. He's an adorable, loving big sweetheart without a bad bone in his body. The idea of killing him because he reactively scratched a baby actually breaks my heart! It's heinous! There really are some hateful people out there!

They aren't real @mainecooncatonahottinroof. Whilst there are disgusting arseholes out there, these tossers just want to provoke a reaction. If they actually are real disgusting arseholes, then I'm hoping Karma is a fucking bitch to them.

100%! I can't stand cruelty to animals!

I have three rescue cats. One was straying in a city centre. One was neglected by her so-called owners, living on the streets and being fed by 4 houses. The other one had been through three homes (his last human mummy sadly died) and in rescue twice in 18 months.

The idea of killing a healthy cat for such a flimsy reason is just anathema to me!

Some of the comments on here are actual lunacy... no way is this worth leaving with the baby or killing the cat over.

"given our daughter's age, that we can't teach her yet to avoid situations like this, and that it would only result in unnecessary injury to her"

You don't need to 'teach' her this yet you BOTH just need to be more vigilant about keeping child and cat separate. When my ds was crawling or having tummy time my dog and cat were kept out of the room. We also installed a large cat tree in our main living area so my cat would have somewhere he could go to sit in the same room while not being near ds. Small children are stressful for pets and your pets (including fluffy) are acclimatising and that takes time. If you move the cat out you'll just have the same issue when you try to move them back in. The work you need to do is desensitising your pet like a responsibile owner and letting them stay apart.

"We argued that night, where I claimed she chose the cat over our daughter. She said that made her "feel terrible", for which I did not feel particularly sorry for since I knew it was the truth."

I think that's a horrible thing to say to a new mother and quite honestly sounds like bullying behaviour on your part especially given that the second scratch was completely accidental while your wife was acting appropriately and trying to keep the cat away from your child. Pets are a huge responsibility, cats in particular do not cope well with change so I think it's fair for your wife to struggle with the idea of just shipping a pet off over one fear related scratch in 7 months (and 1 accident).

"I have always watched our daughter closely, both of the facial scratches occurred on my wife's watch" you've said this very repeatedly through your posts - this idea of "on her watch". And you've also repeatedly accused your wife of hitting the cat when you also said you weren't there and didn't know if she hit it or not. It is starting to come across like you think you're the better parent and you're really keen for everyone to pick your side here. It sounds like you don't think much of your wife's abilities but value your own over hers. It's probably important that you recognise now that this idea of X happened on so and sos watch is marriage ending territory. As your child gets bigger plenty of things will also happen on your watch and right now you're setting the tone for the future by laying accusation and blame on your wife instead of working as a team. How will you feel when you're on the receiving end of that?

To be honest I think this is all really a non issue with a bit more supervision and a massive over reaction on your part. We installed an extra high stairgate so my cat could watch us without being in the room with us. Plus the cat tree. Cat quickly learnt to avoid the baby, and we had one scratch when ds was running and chased the cat into a corner. He never did it twice and it didn't break skin. Take responsibility for your pets. Stop belittling your wife. Stop keep score.

I think the moral of the story is that if you are planning on having children, and think there will be issues later, don't buy a puppy or kitten. Buying animals is disgusting anyway.

Plants are less expensive and can give you a good indication of whether you can keep something alive or not.

I've seen, first hand, first time parents abandoning their animals, and I think they are all wankers - this isn't a dig at the OP though, because I do think they have the best interest of the cat at heart.

I’m not getting the problem. Cats not attacking baby purposefully hunting style so you just need to separate. Knowing and positioning where babe is is much easier than the cat. So simultaneously train the cat not to go places where baby is; at the same time put babe in sensible places with you in close supervision.

And you might think oh poster with no cats, no idea.

No I have a very bitey prone to over stimulation half bengal with a hell of a temper/ hunting drive crossed with half Siamese with the stubborn memory and grudge forming capacity of an Evil intelligent crow. He’s quite the character.

Yet they have never broken skin intentionally. It’s quite incredible actually they always retain that control. So I do get mad cats and young children. But this is manageable.

No I have a very bitey prone to over stimulation half bengal with a hell of a temper/ hunting drive crossed with half Siamese with the stubborn memory and grudge forming capacity of an Evil intelligent crow. He’s quite the character.

Would need to see photos or he doesn't exist 🤣

I'd had my cats for 6 years before having children. I committed to them when I adopted them, so that was non-negotiable. I always said I'd had two planned and two 'accidents'. I rescued the first two as kittens and #3 was a stray who found us. #4 was abandoned by his horrible owners when they moved house.

If you have pets before you have children, then you need to find a way to make it work.

Bengals seem to be crazy and I would love one!! I have a half Maine Coon (hence username!), half Ragdoll, a moggy with some Maine Coon involved, and a moggy!

It wasn’t the OP that suggested the vet trip, it was another poster. The OP has spoken to their wife more than once and suggested rehoming the cat with the MIL. The MIL has declined and the wife won’t put simple safeguarding measures in place.

Did you take your baby to the hospital, especially after the first scratch? A non-moving baby can’t provoke a cat. The other cat doesn’t hurt the baby. Fluffy needs to go. Maybe raise your concerns with the health visitor.

You need to prioritise your child, not a cat. Fluffy scratched a non-walking baby two times. The other cat didn’t. It would be neglectful to keep an aggressive animal in a house with a baby/child.

A responsible parent that’s who

Personally the thought that someone is putting their baby in harm, who’s already been hurt twice, breaks my heart. There are some hateful people towards children out there.

So we should all just kill our cats the moment they scratch a child in the family who has provoked them by pulling their tail

A baby doesn’t provoke anyone FFS it’s a baby. I’ve had cats and they were super petite tube of the babies in the house and would never have scratched them.

Of course it wasn’t intentional to provoke but OP says the baby pulled the cats tail

@zorkolot Your wife isn't seeing the bigger picture. It's not just about the baby. It's Fluffy who is suffering.

The noise and fuss and constant grabbing as your baby grows up will be very stressful for a cat who already sounds highly strung. That would be a horrible life for Fluffy who is trapped in a constant state of stress and fear.

I don't believe pets should be chucked for kids and partners BUT in cases where it will lead to a better quality of life, rehoming should be considered.

Speak calmly to your wife and frame it from Fluffy's POV. The cat will eventually stress-pee around the house and will never feel happy, calm and relaxed because each squeal from the baby will be triggering.

Give wife time to absorb this and then let her find a new home for the cat. Somewhere with no kids where Fluffy can be the only cat in residence and have access to a secure back garden to live out a quality life.

Some of the responses on this thread are batshit crazy. Sounds like completely normal cat behaviour, two isolated incidents in 7 months, no real harm done, I’d just be supervising a bit more closely but you can’t just rehome one cat then bring it back again when it’s more convenient for you, poor Fluffy (and the other cat who will also be impacted by this). OP, I think you’re making a way bigger deal of this than necessary. Once your 7 month old starts walking she’s going to have a lot worse scratches and bumps from falling over, other kids hitting or biting her etc, regardless of whether you supervise her. Also if you’re planning to have more kids, I’ve had cats with newborns/babies and another toddler with a baby, I can tell you which one resulted in more stress and close calls so best to get used to close supervision now as it’s much more difficult keeping a toddler away from a baby than a cat!

I think you are being a bit precious tbh. My son was brought up with 4 cats two of them feral. He soon leaned not to grab the feral ones.
Children need to learn what's dangerous and what isn't and also need to learn not to grab nettles and thorny plants. Fluffy is hardly a pit bull terrier.

This is a great post. It's important to remember that more things will happen on your wife's "watch" if she is responsible for the bulk of caring for your baby day to day / is the main caregiver for your baby at present. OP you do not come across well trying to blame your wife and hysterically overreacting, criticising and laying down the law over these minor incidents.

An acrimonious tit for tat high stress relationship between her parents poses much greater risks to your baby daughter than Fluffy does.

Not sure why people are attacking you so much OP, but that’s mumsnet for you. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to rehome the cat. Clearly this is causing you a lot of anxiety and you will feel uneasy until it happens. I’m with you, rehome the cat. Trust me, keeping the doors closed all the time to keep your cat & baby separate is a nightmare. Everyone saying you just need to ‘parent more/better’ are being unreasonable IMO. We all know parenting is bloody hard as it is without having to constantly monitor where the cat is/what it’s doing as well. Hopefully your partner agrees in time, but maybe they need some time to adjust. Good luck.

Wait until the child start’s nursery or school/ a cat scratch will be the least of their problems. If you cannot solve this issue of a cat which scratches from time to time when its tail is pulled it does not bode well for the future.