Wife refuses to rehome cat that scratches baby

[zorkolot]

I would like everyone's honest opinion. My wife and I have a 7-month old baby and 2 cats. 1 of the cats is appropriately social and docile. The other cat scratches impulsively, is unpredictable when feeling defensive, and tends to scratch and dig his nails even when playing (I'll call him Fluffy). My wife says Fluffy was weaned a bit too early and this is just the way he is.

We had an incident a few months ago, where Fluffy scratched our daughter on the face bad enough to break the skin and leave a scratch. We think it's because she grabbed his tail (while she was in a sleeper on the couch) and this surprised him and he swatted instinctively. I told my wife then, that this was a problem- that while I tolerated Fluffy impulsively scratching us adults- that I no longer thought it was a good idea for him to be around our baby; that #1 he has proven he has no problem scratching her and #2 she is too young to know any better and will eventually try to grab the cat again. I asked her if it it would be ok to send Fluffy to her mother's (who has taken care of the cat before). Her mother lives about 40 minutes away on the other side of town, but we do visit at least monthly. My wife's response was defensive and while she told her mother about the request, she refused to follow through and rehome the cat. She believed our daughter would learn the hard way, by being scratched enough times (as stupid as that sounds), and that she would learn to engage with this cat differently. I thought this was unreasonable given our daughter's age, that we can't teach her yet to avoid situations like this, and that it would only result in unnecessary injury to her.

Last night, Fluffy scratched our daughter on the face again. This was a lighter scratch that thankfully didn't break the skin. My wife said she was partly to blame because she allowed the cat to get too close to our daughter- and when she moved to shoo him away that Fluffy jumped up frightened and somehow scratched our daughter on the face in the process. She felt since it was an accident and not on purpose- that the cat was not at fault.

My problem with her reasoning is whether the cat means to or not- or daughter gets scratched. A cat that means to do something can be taught to discourage the behavior. A cat that scratches instinctively or defensively however, cannot be taught anything and will just keep scratching. I feel our daughter is going to get victimized again and again from this cat.

I again brought up the subject of rehoming the cat with her mother, to which she refused, insisting it was an accident. We argued that night, where I claimed she chose the cat over our daughter. She said that made her "feel terrible", for which I did not feel particularly sorry for since I knew it was the truth. I suggested we rehome the cat with her mother until DD is old enough to talk and understand to be careful around Fluffy. My wife was uninterested.

Today, my wife sent me a text while I was at work. She refuses to rehome Fluffy with her mother, and said that many things could be dangerous to DD and we can't prevent them. She brought up unrelated subjects like falling off the couch, me, the baby's own nails, the babysitter, the baby sitter's animals, and her mom's dog. I think my wife's attitude is ridiculous.

I am wondering about next steps.

I'm torn. If Fluffy seeks out the baby and is aggressive I'd be in the rehome for a year camp. If it's one defensive accident, I'd be in the closer supervision camp.

It sounds like it's something between the two.

Obviously you have to look after your daughter. Ask is there a possibility a scratch causing serious harm. I think this is unlikely, because a) most scratches won't and b) you really should be able to prevent this happening again.

But the question is how unlikely, is it akin to getting hit by a car while walking on the pavement, or is it a real risk. Not being there I don't have an answer to that.

You do have a responsibility to the cat. It's not mad that your wife is reluctant. She does, and should, love the cat.

How will being rehomed to the MIL affect Fluffy? Will he be OK?

Compromise with your wife and keep the cat shut out when the baby is in a room. When your DD is older continue to keep the cat away and teach her how to interact respectfully with animals. If somehow another incident occurs if none of the above works I would consider rehoming unfortunately.

I’d be going for a three-way ultimatum.

1. She rehouses the cat
2. She commits to keeping cat and baby apart (and you help with baby gates, catio and so on
3. You are considering separation and seeking more than 50:50 parenting based on her not keeping the child safe.

Essentially let her know this is an existential, no compromise thing for you.

Did you actually read the OPs posts or just a little bit of one?

the cat should be kept away from the baby.

most cats get upset if their tail is messed with and fluffy sounds completely normal for a cat.

i had twins and three cats (and a dog) and they do just need to be kept apart until the children are old enough to start to understand kind hands (and even then you need a lot of supervision).

it’s not fluffy’s fault. Rehome if you feel you have to but killing it isn’t necessary.

The cat needs to be kept in another room to the baby, not rehomed. We used doors and pet gates when our children were too little to understand. It’s not difficult, just be responsible parents and pet owners.

My point was that with all the will in the world if there is an animal and a baby in the house it is impossible to 100% ensure they will never be in the same space.
cats can jump fences, squeeze through doors when people do. They are fast and quiet.
im sure the child will understand when it’s older why it has a scar or is blind in one eye that mummy wouldn’t rehome the cat even after multiple scratch events.

The second time was barely a scratch if it didn't break the skin. I was scratched a number of times by my childhood cat, I learnt to be gentle with it. A cat isn't an XL bully, it's extremely unlikely to cause any serious damage.

I’ve tried this in the past, and found it’s an unnecessary stress on everyone to monitor where the cat is at all times. Keeping doors closed etc. It felt like living in a prison..

Three strikes rule. Tell your wife. Make it her responsibility to keep the cat separated or it is gone.

I read all of OPs posts, and then after you said that, i reread them in case id missed something, but no, i still think that getting rid of a cat that dared to scratch out when its tail was pulled or its otherwise alarmed, is over the top. I also think its shitty.

Oh FFS the child is a baby. What planet are you on?

How was the cat prepared for the baby? It might need redirecting, more toys and stuff like that if it scratching people or irritable. Is the cat played with? Also make sure it has lots of safe places it can go if it's feeling stressed in its territory. Does it have a high shelf, cat tree, igloo beds etc?

I agree it's not good but I wouldn't jump to rehome yet. You need to talk to your wife and you both need to keep the cat out of rooms the baby is in as much as possible for the time being. You could also try re-introducing cat and baby, Jackson Galaxy has videos on this.

Why the ridiculous comparisons with dogs fgs??

Such hysterics on here. Keep the cat away from the baby for a few months until baby is old enough to be gentle with the cat, it’s not difficult.

Keep the cats and baby separated.
That was my first thought when I had mine with an older cat who was used to being the sole attention. He was docile and lovely but would occasionally swipe at us or bite after playing for a while (too hyped up and getting grunpy with his age). When our baby was born, we made sure that the cat wasn't left alone in the room with our child or near if our child was on the floor/bed. 7 months is a hard age to teach a child "gentle pets" if the cat reacts quickly. If he came up to us while we were holding the baby, we would hold her hands so she wouldn't grab/pull fur and to keep away from face level. We always supervised and even if it was going to the kitchen, I brought her along in her chair (although at that point, our cat was just sleeping anyways).
If your house allows it, have a look for a cat tree that attaches from roof to floor or just a regular cat tree. That way the cat has a safe space to go when the baby is there. If your wife has a smaller kitchen/bathroom that can't bring the baby in, put the cats in a separate room until that task is finished and let them out afterwards and keep supervising. If on the sofa with the baby, have the baby at one side of the mum and the cat on the other so the cat can't reach.
It's just what I've been doing and when my child got older, she understood gentle pets, when to leave the cat alone or me putting the cat in his cat tree if she keeps at him. She loved our cat and he loved her in time with cuddles and purrs.

If no one can supervise the cat and baby or keep them separate and the cat is getting stressed out, then maybe rehoming would be good in the cats interest. I always try and think that as the last resort imo.
The comment about the vets is horrible and disgusting. Never do that, not all animals can cope with kids. There are plenty of animal rehoming charity who can help rehome the cat in a kids free home.

Hope this helps

Imagine if it was a lion or a dragon instead of a cat. What then?

Lunacy is comparing cat to an XL bully.

Yup!

Hows about instead of all the smart cracks about a one way trip to the vet you actually look after the animal. I'd lay any money that it gets no attention any more now the baby has come along.

If you're totally incapable then a shelter.

Either people are on the sauce tonight or the weekend is starting early.

You’d break up a family over a cat? When it’s your easy to just put the cat in another room?
This place is nuts.

If you live with a cat you'll get scratched from time to time, it just comes with the territory. The cat doesn't sound aggressive. Just kept the baby away from the cat until she's old enough to understand how to interact with it. I think you just don't like the cat and are trying to leverage this to get rid of it.

How tf can you teach a 7 month old to respect the cat. What a dumb arse comment.

I think any self respecting vet might have a problem with euthanising a healthy animal who had scratched when it’s tail was pulled don’t you?

This. FFS has all common sense gone out of the window this evening?

I agree. Just keep the baby away from the cat. No need to go killing pets because you can't be bothered to keep an eye on your baby.