Teen daughter and male youth leader…

[FeatherGold]

My daughter (year 12, now 17) volunteers at a youth club for kids with SEN. She absolutely loves it but is also hoping to get a good reference for future uni applications etc. She’s been doing this for around 2 years.

One of the group leaders (let’s call him Dave) is around 45 and is well known as a charismatic but slightly ‘mad’ figure - in that the kids all seem to love him, but he doesn’t do anything by the book. He has no regard for admin or ‘procedures’, but he’s full of energy and ideas and gets the kids doing stuff they would never have thought possible. You get the picture.

I’m worried because he messages my daughter directly on her phone, and given his position as a youth leader and the age difference, it feels very inappropriate. He’ll ask her how her exams went - stuff like that - but most recently, suggested they meet for a drink to discuss an idea he has as a project for the kids.

I’m glad she’s telling me these things and she just laughs it off as ‘It’s just Dave, everyone knows he forgets the rules and just gets carried away with ideas’. She also has no intention of meeting him alone and gives him factual answers - nothing more.

How do I deal with this? He’s so careless in his actions that part of me thinks it is just a sort of disregard for conventional rules. I’d hate to cause a fuss around someone who is considered an inspirational figure at the club. But I’m also deeply uncomfortable about him messaging my daughter. It just feels wrong.

I should add that if I raised the issue or reported him, my daughter would be furious. She loves the club, is hopeful of getting a great reference, and she would see it as a huge betrayal of trust.

@Polarpup @Wisenotboring 💯 - it’s very bizarre.

Absolute wrong advice…she has a duty to report his conduct…safeguarding is everyone’s responsibility, not for her to judge just to flag up concerns. As someone said earlier those of us who are experienced in Safeguarding are all saying the same thing…report. Might just be because we know what we are talking about!

Has anyone contacted Lado yet?

Your gut instinct is telling you something is off. This is your daughter, don’t take any chances. I see what you’re saying about your daughter being furious if you reported him and she would see this as a betrayal, so I definitely wouldn’t report him or anything like that. Your daughter trusts you and so you have open communication with her and you want to keep it that way. I would just warn her, tell her you’re worried and tell her not to take any chances and not to put herself in a position where she could be alone with him.

From my experience in safeguarding in sport, these actions by Dave rarely happen in isolation. I have seen cases where once the official channels are used to report the behaviour ie. LADO or the organisation’s Welfare Officer, it can reveal patterns of inappropriate behaviour possibly going on for years. If this is the case, you can protect others who may come into contact with him.

OP’s daughter sounds like she is growing into a sensible adult to be proud of but at this point, she needs support from the authorities to investigate on her behalf.

OP please keep the post updated with the outcome at some point in the future when you can. A great many people have shown concern for your daughter and hope for a safe, bright future for her.

Have you done what you need to do yet @FeatherGold ?

I wouldn’t want my daughter around him anymore. A 45 year old man asking a teenage girl out for a drink has no other explanation than predatory. It’s not something my dad or any non pervy man would have ever done. What has her dad said about it? His messages would make me rage and I would report him and also tell him what I think. He is showing no concern or respect for you by messaging your daughter, do not feel sorry for him. He could be a massive threat to a more vulnerable/naive girl and also I would worry he is fixating on my daughter. I don’t want to alarm you but it would seriously bother me. I would tell her to trust you as a mother that she shouldn’t feel sorry for Dave because if Dave has bad intentions he wouldn’t feel sorry for her or anyone else. Also, if she is going to get a reference from the club someone else could give it.

LADO has no investigative role -

Allegations can only be investigated by the following three investigation processes legally:

1. Criminal investigation via the Police.
2. Children Services assessment S.17 or S47 under the children’s Act 1989.
3. Disciplinary investigation by the employer under employment law.

They can give advice whether the concern/situation meets their criteria/threshold.

But the Local Authority Designated Officer is who should be contacted for advice on how to proceed although the first port of call is usually the Safeguarding Lead/ Officer of the organisation concerned. The LADO will decide on the next steps . Mum can of course contact the LADO herself and bypass the organisation. Hopefully this was done last week and not left for so long.

DD needs to learn a. The correct, adult course of action in a situation like this b. Not all men can be trusted and if they can’t don’t go for a drink with them, no matter how much you want their good opinion.