Teen daughter and male youth leader…

[FeatherGold]

My daughter (year 12, now 17) volunteers at a youth club for kids with SEN. She absolutely loves it but is also hoping to get a good reference for future uni applications etc. She’s been doing this for around 2 years.

One of the group leaders (let’s call him Dave) is around 45 and is well known as a charismatic but slightly ‘mad’ figure - in that the kids all seem to love him, but he doesn’t do anything by the book. He has no regard for admin or ‘procedures’, but he’s full of energy and ideas and gets the kids doing stuff they would never have thought possible. You get the picture.

I’m worried because he messages my daughter directly on her phone, and given his position as a youth leader and the age difference, it feels very inappropriate. He’ll ask her how her exams went - stuff like that - but most recently, suggested they meet for a drink to discuss an idea he has as a project for the kids.

I’m glad she’s telling me these things and she just laughs it off as ‘It’s just Dave, everyone knows he forgets the rules and just gets carried away with ideas’. She also has no intention of meeting him alone and gives him factual answers - nothing more.

How do I deal with this? He’s so careless in his actions that part of me thinks it is just a sort of disregard for conventional rules. I’d hate to cause a fuss around someone who is considered an inspirational figure at the club. But I’m also deeply uncomfortable about him messaging my daughter. It just feels wrong.

I should add that if I raised the issue or reported him, my daughter would be furious. She loves the club, is hopeful of getting a great reference, and she would see it as a huge betrayal of trust.

I've recently had to sit through half a day of safeguarding training and a similar scenario came up on one of the tests. You need to make a report to the designated safeguarding lead. Do not approach Dave yourself and definitely don't ask a minor to deal with him.

Aside from the text messages to your daughter....(let's treat these as a separate issue entirely from what I'm about to ask)

You mention the kids get so much out of him.

Is there anything that he does which would be deemed dangerous, inappropriate, against rules in terms of the children he takes care of? Any red flags in terms of his role? Anything specific he has done which a parent of the students would be alarmed by?

Safe guarding is everyone's responsibility. If there are SEN children also in this group and Dave is behaving inappropriately with your daughter who even as a young leaders is 17 and so he should 100% not be trying to meet her 1 2 1 nor messaging her 1 2 1! Then she also should be making sure everyone else in the group is safe and abide by the por of the group. Most youth groups do not allow 1 2 1 messaging or in person with an adult leader and anyone under 18

Seriously? Are you Dave?

As others have said absolutely report this. I volunteer at a couple of different youth groups. One of them we have a leaders WhatsApp group and a parents WhatsApp group. Our youngest helper started volunteering at 14. Only with their parents knowledge and consent do we add them to the leaders WhatsApp group and we would never add them to the parents group. We never contact them outside of the group chat and only use the WhatsApp group to discuss what activities we are doing that week and to say which volunteer cannot make the meeting that week. What “Dave” is doing is crossing serious lines and even if it is harmless it needs to be flagged as at best he needs reminded of the rules and at worst it doesn’t bare thinking about.

OP, if a 45yo guy was messaging my 17yo DD I'd hit the roof. This is not right on any level. You need to report him, regardless of the consequences.

Maybe speak to Dave and offer to “sit in on the chat” ”As you wouldn’t want him to get in any trouble incase meeting was misconstrued “?

Wake up, OP! This has red flags all over it. He’s grooming her, and likely others, in plain sight.

OP does she really need a reference and not just reflect on her experience in her personal statement? My dtr just had head if 6th form do the reference and her PS and reflections on her work experience were all that was needed. It doesn’t feel right you holding back when he has clearly overstepped with good or bad intentions.

inviting a 17yo for a drink (not coffee), is a flashing alarm.

Genuinely flabbergasted that you have managed to turn ignoring safeguarding concerns into some sort of ‘boss girl’ narrative.

Absolutely shameful.

Good to see so many posters being clear about the grooming / safeguarding aspects of Dave. So often when I've encountered institutions where adults have groomed and abused children, the adults have commented "but he was such a lovely man, so friendly, the kids and staff really liked him".
Men like Dave groom everyone in an institution, especially other staff and parents to ensure that none of them see his behaviour as anything other than innocent. The Dave's of the world don't want suspicious parents, they want adults on side with Dave's rule breaking so that Dave can do what he wants.

You need to report this OP.

Just read that he’s a paid member of staff!

That makes it so much worse.

Absolutely zero chance he’s a naive volunteer who doesn’t understand the rules and safeguarding.

I volunteer in a youth group and I have to do safeguarding training every year. And I don’t even gave direct contact with children!

His training will have been far more intensive.

He’s knows exactly what’s doing.

You absolutely need to report him.

I’ve been the teen approached by the quirky, harmless, not-by-the-book nice guy.

He’s testing his ground. You thinking he’s harmless is exactly what he wants, he positions himself in a way that makes family trust him and think he’s harmless.

After what I’ve been through, if it were to happen with my DD I’d approach him on my own to scare him off. Tell him straight up you want to messages, no contact off work otherwise you’ll go to his superiors. Don’t do it by message so he can distort it with your daughter.

Agree with this.

‘Oh I just invited the 17 year out for a drink to throw around some ideas’

My arse!

Total groomer!

There is absolutely no need for Dave to meet your daughter privately to discuss an idea. This can be done on the premises where the club is held.

Your DD, is a volunteer not an attendee of the Group. She is therefore a colleague of Dave and as such she has a responsibility to report any colleagues who break rules. She does not have the luxury of ignoring this for her own self serving reasons. She is in position of trust and has an obligation to protect the vulnerable attendees. By doing nothing she is complicit and no better than those that turned a blind eye to Savile.

Suggest a deeper conversation with your daughter about the implications.

I have a background in safeguarding in sport and have seen scenarios like this end badly, unfortunately.
It is completely out of order that a young person under 18 years old is being contacted direct by an adult. Yes the lovely daughter is finding her feet as an adult but this is potentially very serious for both of them!

If he is a decent man and has done any safeguarding training, he will know that this is out of order and should immediately stop, no excuses. Please ask your daughter to block his number and never be on her own with him ever. If he has something to discuss about the club with her, he can do this at the club with others present.

He is using his charisma and influence to flatter her and massage his ego.
Do you have contacts for the safeguarding officer or this man’s manager, because they should be made aware of your concerns. It may not be the first time he has acted inappropriately and if this is the case, he should be stopped.

You should be very proud of your daughter for confiding in you and reassure her that you understand her concerns and support her.

I’m not trying to suggest he is anything like Jimmy Savile but I think it’s worth pointing out in regards to your view of him doing so much for the kids / community, that Savile was considered in the same regard when he was alive as he did so much charity work 🤦🏻‍♀️
i think you’re right to be concerned, thankfully your daughter sounds very sensible which you should be proud of. If he is a decent person, I think you should be able to speak to him directly; politely and calmly point out the inappropriateness and he should accept your concerns. If he doesn’t see it as an issue then that is a huge red flag as he is likely to overstep boundaries with others and should absolutely be reported.
Try addressing it with him directly first and hopefully he steps back and acts more professionally

Don't feel conflicted - report the issue under the clubs safeguarding rules.

I'm and Explorer Scout leader and this kind of behaviour would be yellow carded instantly.

The safeguarding measures are there to protect him as much as her. By disregarding the rules he is making himself vulnerable to all sorts. Maybe go for that angle with your DD.

I am suspicious of anyone who does things their own way and tears up the rule book. I also agree with those who have spotted the similarities to Jimmy Saville.
If it looks like a creep......
Have we learned nothing?

I don't know why you are debating it. Report to LADO and if what he's doing is OK, they will tell you and if it isn't they will have a word.

Your DD is a minor, and her workplace has an obligation to safeguard her from harm. There is no grey area.

Please report to the DSL, this isn't for you to handle yourself. The organisation needs to log and investigate to protect all service users and volunteers.

I think you should just mention it in passing to him not make a big deal of it… then go further if it continues.