Stranger calling me a bad parent

[Stephaneey]

I’m just typing this to get it off my chest as I don’t really have many people to talk to. At the weekend I was with my daughter in a park, it was crowded due to an event happening at the same time. My daughter spotted some flowers and went to look at them. She stood in the flower bed and ran away from me, she then stood on a flower. I had grabbed her before then but my mum said she was ok to go back to have a look. My mum then said just grab her as she stood on a flower.

I lifted her up and a young woman standing by started saying I was disrespectful. I said well she’s only 3. The boyfriend then pipes up saying ‘we’re not talking to a 3 year old. We pay our taxes.’ I replied I also pay taxes?’ The woman then says ‘look at all the other children behaving nicely and not playing in the flowers, couldn’t you tell you were doing something wrong!’ I did see red and did lose my temper at this point and couldn’t believe she said this to me. I asked if they saw me as an easy target and if they would confront a gang of teenagers/men in the same manner. There were teens climbing a war memorial near by and I asked if they were going to say anything to them? They started needling me out of the way and I said I wanted to go where I was standing originally. At this point a man starts shouting at me that I’m pushing him. I just keep thinking about scared my daughter must have been of this.

I can’t stop thinking about how this has affected my daughter. It was Mother’s Day yesterday and I couldn’t stop thinking how I’ve raised a child. I’m a single parent, I lost a lot of blood in childbirth, I had post natal depression. My daughter still has issues sleeping. I’ve had not a day without worry in 3 years. But the a young woman can just comment so confidently on my parenting skills and not feel an ounce of shame. To get to that park yesterday I had to pack food, supplies, I had to make sure I had wipes, water even medicine. Did she have that sort of preparation?

it’s funny as I was going to give her a tablet to watch cartoons on (we were waiting for the event) but I thought it was good she wanted to get involved with nature. Ironic if she’d been on her tablet we would have gone without comment.

I can’t get the whole thing out of my head. My mum walked off so this upset my daughter as she gets separation anxiety. My mum walking off just added to the whole thing. I can’t discuss this with her as she believes this was my fault for interacting with them. I try to raise with her that I felt so alone and why as a parent she wouldn’t take my side automatically? I can’t get my head round that. She just can’t see my point of view and how awful I found that woman’s comment. She added that she never received any comments like that as we were always well behaved. Can I add at this point my daughter is the most lovely, well behaved little girl. She can be very cautious with new situations, she’s gentle with babies and younger kids, we’ve taken flights and car rides and people comment how good she is. Can I also say how worried I always am about being respectful. I litter pick, I always recycle, I always go back in to shops to pay if I’ve forgotten something in my trolley. I even cross the road in a respectful way 😂 I would never want to destroy something in nature, I plant my own flowers!

I get anxiety going out anyway but had to push myself yesterday as I didn’t want to have to hideaway(I probably would of if I was by myself) I’m just not sure how I forget about this, how do I parent with confidence when outside. How do I not combust with anxiety if my daughter wants to play in public again. How do I try and forget the tag of ‘bad parent’ has anyone been through anything similar?

Also it was a bit annoying that the boyfriend said the reason they said anything was because they heard someone else (my mum) say it and joined in. My mum said she said it as thought someone else would say it. She said she originally thought she was just looking at the flowers.

That last comment is very nasty. She doesn’t need you to feel sorry for her thanks. I won’t go into my sometimes strained relationship with my mum as I would be here all day. I shouldn’t have got involved and feel terrible. I don’t need people adding to this miserable feeling (goes to all the other nasty replies as well)

I agree

But did you tell her that you’d lost a lot of blood during childbirth?
She might have thought twice.

I nearly died but it’s fine. So strange to post such nasty things to strangers on the internet

But she packed a bag for her kid all by herself so she can't ever be wrong

Op I'd leave this thread now tbh it's only going to get worse in about 20 mins when posters first wine of the day hits them.

First lager of the day, surely?

This thread wont help you, OP
Why not start a new thread in Lone Parents for help?

Good advice!

You again? 😃🤣 (really hope that comes across as light hearted as I intend!)

You haven't done anything wrong op....these people were mental....and so are the people on this thread who are agreeing with them.

I've found over the years that these sort of people seem to appear from nowhere from time to time. Just as you've let your guard down from the last incident, up pops another self-righteous lunatic. The woman deliberately crashing her trolley into my toddler in Hunstanton Tesco was a real highlight :/.

I've tended to react like you but there's no point because they will never listen. You have to just treat them like you'd treat other forces of nature such as the weather, or perhaps a herd of cows charging you. They don't know any better so just ignore. A 3 year old in a flowerbed really isn't very important when you think about how other people are destroying our planet. Perhaps next time direct the woman towards a building site and get her to reprimand the workers.

OP I just wanted to send some kindness your way. I think some have been quite harsh on here when I see it as a bit deeper than the actual event. You seem to be a bit upset about being a lone parent and perhaps struggling somewhat with that, then your mum not backing you and it being Mother’s Day.

I wouldn’t think too deeply on what happened yesterday, those ppl don’t know you or your parenting, you’re posting here as it has bothered you, you didn’t just let your daughter trample all the flowers and not care. Sounds like there was wrong on both sides but don’t expect strangers to care about your backstory as they also have their own. I just wanted to say try not to let it get you down, chalk it up to a bad day and lessons learned. You’re doing your best and I’m sure you love your daughter and she’s happy and healthy.

Happy Mother’s Day to you x

This.

There's definitely more than one daytime drinker on this thread.

Thank you so much ❤️

Oh my god, you clearly think this gives you an exemption from behaving normally for the rest of your life.

Did you tell her off the first time she trampled the flowers? Or the second? I mean 3 isn't a baby or even a toddler. You need to be a lot more on the ball I think. And why is she still in nappies at 3?

Oh no, people don't get this nasty this quickly on something with the % alcohol of most lagers ..... It would have to be strong wine.

Plus wine let's then think they're not alcos.

She was potty trained at 2 and a half 👋🏼 fully out of nappies and been dry through the night from then also. Humble brag. See ya 👋🏼

Why do you keep posting nasty things. Bye

Hey OP, you’re getting a lot of flack on here. Happy belated Mother’s Day by the way! 🙂

I have a 3 year old. They are boundary testing little machines in the toddler years. It really helped me when I read a parenting book which laid it out that basically a toddlers full time job is boundary testing, as this is what shows them what the safe limits of their world are, physically and socially. That they often test and re-test and re-test the same thing over again to test the same boundary line and whether it is stable (or shifting, ie if we say different things each time or a different result happens). I guess they are learning so much included what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour, and wow this process can be exhausting at times. I do actually give you credit as a single parent because what a bloody hard gig this is.

I also agree with a previous poster that they can switch between good as gold and 😈🤯🙈🙈 within the blink of an eye! They are so fast and can really hyper focus on little activities and tasks they want to do ie looking at the flowers. I doubt your little one even noticed they’d stepped on a flower. My toddler was fascinated with a garden snail squatting right to look at it and we chatted about it and all the cool stuff about snails, then she stood up, something else caught her eye and she was off in a heart beat. Can anyone guess the fate of the snail?

Sometimes we are on full public view when things go south which is unfortunate but we cannot live in caves with our dear cherubs and must venture out in the world eventually. A stranger or two picking on a lone mum who had already removed her toddler from the squished flower situation? Naaah mate. Just nah. No doubt I would have had an enraged onlooker bellowing at me about poor Splatty the snail.

Try not to let the mist blow your cool if it happens again. A quick ‘thanks yeah I’m dealing with it’ should suffice. Is not worth your energy and head space,

Saying I felt sorry for your daughter during this incident wasn't meant to be nasty OP, it was meant to highlight that your daughter is a complete passenger in this.. she has absolutely no control over what you do or where, or how you react to situations, toddlers need guidance, the comment came about because you had to be told not to let her trample on flowers, twice, if you let your child do something that is seen as disrespectful in public you may get comments, it's how you react to those comments that set the tone for your daughter.

The problem was you believed (and still do) that you did nothing wrong as a parent by letting her trample on flowers, if you had dealt with that appropriately at the time, I highly doubt anyone would have said anything at all, not your mum, and not random bystanders at an event.

I have a three year old. She loves being out and about in nature. She knows not to go in flower beds. She knows not to stand on flowers. She knows she can't pick flowers except daisies, dandelions and buttercups, and that she can't have them all.

Because she is not the only one who loves them. Other people do too. And she also knows this.

She knows all this because we tell her and set her boundaries.

Once into the flower bed is a mistake, and your chance to teach your child. Letting them go back into a flower bed is disrespectful. Would you allow them to walk in and out of a flower bed in your garden you'd worked hard on?

It’s not that people want to be nasty, it’s just that all your backstory is completely irrelevant to what happened yesterday.

I agree with PP that you perhaps have your own issues of being a lone parent.

Don't let them wind you up.. yes parenting is hard sometimes, no we cant always control where our children put their feet.. yes we sometimes see red when being criticised by strangers. It seems like it was a busy park and as you say, I am sure that they could have found many other people to pick on. If you are on your own and trying to create a nice day out for your DD and this happens I would be pretty upset when you are trying to do your best. Don't let this stop you from taking your DD to the park and showing her to respect the flora and fauna, its part of their discovery of the world. If you gently tell your DD to be careful with the pretty flowers, that's enough, sometimes they need to be told twice. The weekend where I live was sunny and warm and generally people are lovely so you were unfortunate to be told off by this couple who pay their taxes??!!! (really woop do do!) what has that got to do with anything. Ignore them and take your DD to a garden centre and she can appreciate all the pretty flowers :-)