Stranger calling me a bad parent

[Stephaneey]

I’m just typing this to get it off my chest as I don’t really have many people to talk to. At the weekend I was with my daughter in a park, it was crowded due to an event happening at the same time. My daughter spotted some flowers and went to look at them. She stood in the flower bed and ran away from me, she then stood on a flower. I had grabbed her before then but my mum said she was ok to go back to have a look. My mum then said just grab her as she stood on a flower.

I lifted her up and a young woman standing by started saying I was disrespectful. I said well she’s only 3. The boyfriend then pipes up saying ‘we’re not talking to a 3 year old. We pay our taxes.’ I replied I also pay taxes?’ The woman then says ‘look at all the other children behaving nicely and not playing in the flowers, couldn’t you tell you were doing something wrong!’ I did see red and did lose my temper at this point and couldn’t believe she said this to me. I asked if they saw me as an easy target and if they would confront a gang of teenagers/men in the same manner. There were teens climbing a war memorial near by and I asked if they were going to say anything to them? They started needling me out of the way and I said I wanted to go where I was standing originally. At this point a man starts shouting at me that I’m pushing him. I just keep thinking about scared my daughter must have been of this.

I can’t stop thinking about how this has affected my daughter. It was Mother’s Day yesterday and I couldn’t stop thinking how I’ve raised a child. I’m a single parent, I lost a lot of blood in childbirth, I had post natal depression. My daughter still has issues sleeping. I’ve had not a day without worry in 3 years. But the a young woman can just comment so confidently on my parenting skills and not feel an ounce of shame. To get to that park yesterday I had to pack food, supplies, I had to make sure I had wipes, water even medicine. Did she have that sort of preparation?

it’s funny as I was going to give her a tablet to watch cartoons on (we were waiting for the event) but I thought it was good she wanted to get involved with nature. Ironic if she’d been on her tablet we would have gone without comment.

I can’t get the whole thing out of my head. My mum walked off so this upset my daughter as she gets separation anxiety. My mum walking off just added to the whole thing. I can’t discuss this with her as she believes this was my fault for interacting with them. I try to raise with her that I felt so alone and why as a parent she wouldn’t take my side automatically? I can’t get my head round that. She just can’t see my point of view and how awful I found that woman’s comment. She added that she never received any comments like that as we were always well behaved. Can I add at this point my daughter is the most lovely, well behaved little girl. She can be very cautious with new situations, she’s gentle with babies and younger kids, we’ve taken flights and car rides and people comment how good she is. Can I also say how worried I always am about being respectful. I litter pick, I always recycle, I always go back in to shops to pay if I’ve forgotten something in my trolley. I even cross the road in a respectful way 😂 I would never want to destroy something in nature, I plant my own flowers!

I get anxiety going out anyway but had to push myself yesterday as I didn’t want to have to hideaway(I probably would of if I was by myself) I’m just not sure how I forget about this, how do I parent with confidence when outside. How do I not combust with anxiety if my daughter wants to play in public again. How do I try and forget the tag of ‘bad parent’ has anyone been through anything similar?

'ello @Lentilweaver we must be neighbours.

Bet those teens started out by stomping on flowers

(just a joke)

I think the thing is to let it go - they sound a bit bonkers going on about 'paying their taxes'. I don't think they'd recognise you if they ran in to you again or vice versa. I used to let random unpleasant interactions like this get to me, then I realised it just wasn't worth ruminating on it.

Some people are just unpleasant, or sometimes simply having a bad day (they sound like the former though, 'bad day' people will snap at you once and move on) but there's no point letting them live in your head rent-free.

Sounds like someone seriously overreacted to a flower being trampled. We can all make mistakes in the heat of the moment with young kids or don't react quickly enough, especially if we are already feel frazzled or lacking in confidence in our parenting.

Probably gave a sad insecure person a bit of a thrill to tell off someone they perceived as lower status or more vulnerable than them. Hopefully the next time they do that they will pick on the wrong person and get their arse handed to them.

So you can’t see why your 3 year old standing on flowers is disrespectful?

Then you are the problem.

I understand. My point was that sometimes we have to pick the least worst option. If its a choice between letting someone get away with telling me off as an easy target or prolonging an exchange that would upset my small child, I'd choose the first. But then, I'm not much given to letting the comments of random people bother me anyway. If I was happy with how I'd managed my DDs behaviour, and someone else didn't like it, then too bad. I'd not be giving them my attention.

Have a line ready in your head next time.

[Eye roll]: If you think this is bad parenting, you’ve led a very privileged life.

”Thanks, really helpful.”

Then don’t engage further.

OP I have no idea why you are getting so much abuse on here. Your daughter who is only 3yrs old did something very minor and you twice corrected her before some lager lout and some random women decided to aggressively tell you they pay taxes and how to parent.... I'm not surprised you blew your lid at them. They dont even make sense, were they drunk or just knobheads?

Parenting toddlers is hard work and some people are ridiculous in their expectations of children, the whole seen and not heard attitude is still very much alive. You're also totally right that they saw you as an easy target a lone female with a small child, they wouldn't have confronted a man in the exact same situation and as you said didnt confront the group of teenagers.

I also hate that women are then expected to take this shite and say nothing back and just walk away graciously, theres absolutely nothing wrong with teaching your daughter to speak out and defend herself.

Ignore these morons who tell you their children never misbehaved, half of mumsnet is bitter old women anyway.

Next time anyone says something like that, first of all make them repeat it.

Gives you time to think and a lot of people already don't feel quite so bold making a shitty remark the second time.

Sorry OP, I have a 3 year old too and I’m not understanding all the faff around packing wipes and so on. That’s just life with kids. Don’t let your child stand in flower beds.

Their comments were still unreasonable as you removed your child from the flowers but the reactions from everyone here are OTT. Stop spiralling about it.

she was standing away in our original ‘standing’ place and my daughter had walked over to the flowers but yeah she can be like this if she thinks I’m in the wrong, ‘causing a scene’ I personally would never do that. It makes the whole situation worse in my opinion.

So they went to the effort of going to a shop, buying a can of lager, and carrying it to the event? It would have been nice if you'd taken that into account and been more understanding of their comments.

Maybe they could have been more understanding of ops efforts to lift her DD from atop the flower head too.

I don't know how she had the strength, having already packed a bag that morning.

I didn’t lift her she walked over to them

It was a struggle but I did it

I wonder how they paid for the lager? What with all their pay going towards the forget-me-nots

(Oooh I like this game 🤣)

Thanks I’m going to try that

Don't. Not in these dangerous times. Walk away.

Sounds like you took your mums lead and allowed your DD back on the flowerbed, then once challenged on it your mum disappeared. Shitty thing of your mum to do.
The people having a go definitely were looking for an easy target picking apart the mum of a 3 year old when teenagers were climbing a war memorial. Nasty, unhappy people love to kick down an easy target.
You followed your mum's lead, she was wrong, lesson learnt. Ignore the nastiness.

I would be cross with my 3 yo if she trampled on or picked flowers at the park as it is something I see as disrespectful. However, at 3 they can be very impulsive so it could happen despite my best efforts.

It was unfair for strangers to judge your parenting based on this tiny snapshot and your mums comments about her kids always being well behaved would have rubbed me up the wrong way!

I think you're right that they saw you as an easy target and at least subconsciously agreed with you as they then ramped up their shitty behavior. I'd have just kept pointing at the teens doing worse and looked at the fools quizzically.

I prefer to deal with this type of lunkhead by staring hard at them then shaking my head and mouthing CRAZY to myself. If they then decide to challenge me by asking what I said I say it aloud bc these kind of people love a scene so I'll let them create one and just stare at them while they get louder and crazier its very satisfying to watch idiots self implode.

Sorry they got to you this time.

Most people here have it have had young kids.
It's not acceptable to let kids trample on flowers and then let them go back a second time.
You are in the wrong.
Loads of people are single parents.
Every single person who takes a little kid out has to pack loads of things.
You lost lots of blood during child birth? What on earth does that have to do with it. Clearly, as your kid is now walking that was a while ago.
And your mum should not automatically take your side if she feels you're in the wrong.

Unless your mum has a habit of belittling you or undermining you I think her actions and comments here were quite revealing, you were letting your daughter play in the flower bed, which your mum told you to not let her, she walked off when you started arguing with those people, and when you caught up with her, she said you shouldn't kick off like that with people and she would never have let you behave like that as a child.

So your mum thought your daughter was doing something wrong, those people thought your daughter was doing something wrong, but at no point did it occur to you that your daughter was doing something wrong.

So much so that when people bring it up with you, you completely lose the plot! YOU escalated that situation, YOU are the one shouting and pushing and shoving in front of your daughter, YOU are the one supposed to be setting an example to her, and YOU are the one that still thinks you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

They were probably a pair or prats but you handled it terribly, I feel so sorry for your daughter.

I’m a 100% custody single parent to a child with complex needs. We still shouldn’t let them trample flowerbeds if it can be helped! In fact, we need to fight to show our children can be better than the stereotype.

We don’t want the next generation of children to be so entitled that their parents, “kick off” when challenged on anti-social behaviour. Maybe their approach was off-child is only 3-but so was your response at that time.