DH said he wants to be a 30% Dad

[Japaneseflower]

Curious of people's opinions about this. I'm happily married for 5 years. We have a 2 year old and second due in a few weeks. Lately, parenting has felt all consuming and the 2 year old antics have definitely ticked in but overall I would say its not even too extreme. It's mostly throwing things and sometimes not listening. Anyway, I feel I am definitely the main caregiver which I don't mind and enjoy but it's been a tough few months being pregnant with a toddler. I spent half a day out yesterday so my husband stayed home with him and I find every time he looks after our son for a few hours, my husband is very overwhelmed, tired and exhausted. Then today he said he feels he wants to be 30% involved with childcare (I believe that's what he meant). Obviously I was not happy with this at all because I feel this is the reality of parenting and our free time does decrease. He admits that he selfishly yearns for more time to himself. I get him, I do but I also need support and truly believe both parents need to be fully in. What do people think?

I really need to ask this (and I think you should ask this of him), but - how does he think YOU cope with childcare?

Does he think you don't find it tiring?

Does he think you don't get anything done either, or not?

In short - he's asking you to do TWICE what he wants to do, without any interest in how tiring you will find it or whether you'll be able to cope at all.

I'd be putting a bloody rocket up his arse for being such a whiny little snowflake.

It's obvious from what OP has said that he currently isn't doing even 30% of the job of being a parent. He plays sport a few days a week after work and OP lets him 'chill' at the weekend as he has been at work all week. I'm not sure how he could do less than he's doing without being a completely absent father.

As OP is due to give birth very soon and should be able to expect him to help more with their 2 year old while she recovers from the birth and gets to grips with feeding the new baby, it is obvious that he is laying the ground work for not stepping up.

@Japaneseflower After reading your updates I'm sorry to say I think my original comment was overly generous to your husband to be honest...

It's ok to feel overwhelmed and it's ok to admit you feel overwhelmed, whether it's the mum or the dad.

It's NOT ok to moan about being stressed and fed up to your pregnant wife, when you're already getting "a few evenings a week" PLUS weekends "to chill" - he should be offering to take the toddler while you rest or go out, he should be ready to step up when the baby (that he was apparently all for having) arrives but instead I'm sorry to say it seems he's laying the groundwork/setting expectations out for him to step BACK instead. That is absolutely not on and you really need to have some honest conversations about it I think, preferably sooner rather than later.

At the moment you work 2 days a week and he is out a few nights a week doing sport.
He also wants childfree time at the weekend. When is your down time where you not doing work or dealing with a toddler?
If you have a c section for the next baby your not going to be able to do much for the toddler for a few weeks. Even with a normal birth your going to be tired and sore and you need to mind yourself and give your body time to heal.

I had a friend who husband was like yours. He liked running and cycling so he expected that he could be gone out a few nights a week preparing for a marathon. If he was not doing running training of course he could be gone for a few hours on a Saturday on a long cycle. My friend had a toddler and she got pregnant again. She had a major arguement with him and told him that he could not do a marathon that year and he was needed at home. She start to make him do more. She went out the odd evening and day and left him with the toddler. When she had the 2nd baby he was used to minding the toddler and was doing his share of things by then.

The reality is that if you have a child or children you have decided to have them. Your husband needs to realise that life has changed and it no longer about what he wants and what suits him.

I would tell your Prince charming that as a father of a toddler and a soon to be newborn that he can't just do 30% of the care because he can't afford to pay for 70% of the childcare. I would tell him at this stage you not willing to keep doing it all because physically and mentally that your tired and your going to have another baby by x date.
I would also tell him that he needs to grow up and step up as a parent and that he can't be away from home a few night a week with sports and expect child free time every weekend.
Tell him he needs to spend more time with the toddler and learn to deal with them before you have the next baby.

I would book a weekend away and leave him with the toddler and a list of jobs to be done. Let him deal with it all for a weekend and get an idea of your reality.

If he complains ask him would you like your mother, family and friends to know just how little you do around here at the moment?

I have seen friends with a toddler and new born. It's a hard stage of parenting and you both need to share the load. Friends of mine had childfree time when it suited the other person then. They were not gone out a few nights a week or expecting a lot of free time at weekends. They turned down going to social events and weddings for a few years when both kids were small.

He's probably convinced himself that he's doing 70% of childcare now. It's astonishing how they managed to convince themselves that changing one nappy and then sitting in a room with the TV turned up loud so they can't hear their child wrecking the joint is 50% of caring for a child. My kids' dad was like this. He did NOTHING around the house, just got up, went to work, came home and sat down. His only input was to earn money. I was a SAHM with our five kids and did EVERYTHING ELSE. Literally, everything, from sorting holidays, everything with the house, cooking, kids' stuff - all of it. My ex was utterly convinced that, by going to work, he did more than 50% of everything. Because he'd grown up with a father who worked and a mum who prostrated herself to the cause of The Family.

You can't convince them of how much there is to do. Whatever you do, they do more. AND it's harder for them because...reasons.

I know you say your trying to be supportive but really your just being taken for a mug. You need better communication if you don't know what he means by 30%. Id have hated if my dad had wanted me so little time what an awful father he is. Time for a reality check !

Doesn't everyone prefer to only do 30%. Tell him he best get earning more money to get childcare in place so you can have time to yourself too.

I didnt my thread to blow up this much😅 Thank you for all the advice. We've had some clear conversations and really mapped out when we'll both take our free time, what I need from him especially now that I'm so heavy and tired and how he can handle our toddler better and enjoy looking after him.

Best of luck!

Toddlers are savage and do not care 😂 this is a phase and I think it is selfish if husband to voice that seeing how heavily pregnant you are….in all honesty I would probably say toughen up buttercup, you already do 30% with work hours 🤷🏼‍♀️

Ask him if he wants any input into choosing the man you are going to invite to cover the rest of his duties as a father and husband.

Reminds me of my partner when I returned to work after mat. He works Sat, sun, mon, Tues night. I work Wed, Fri and sat afternoons. I picked up a three week stint of doing a Thursday. He said direct quote "ffs thanks for that, that's my only day off gone for 3 weeks". I said what do you mean. He said well I have child, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday and I work sat Tues so it's my only day to myself. I said I have child everyday and I work 3 days so when is my fucking day off because the days I work I still look after child and prep everything for the 8.5 hours you have him. Not.to mention in those 8.5 hours he'd have a nap in the afternoon for approx 90 mins, then he would go to bed at 7 so that's 2.5 of the 8.5 hours I'm gone took up by sleeping! He then said my mum as him for 4 hours on a Monday. Oh yes I said that 4 hours I spend in the palliative care unit wondering if this is the last time I'll see my mum alive. I told him you either pull your weight or I will do 100% of the childcare while you pack your bags and piss off! Quick changed his tune. He's a great dad who loves the time with our son

Of course he’s being unreasonable if he’s actually serious but are you sure he isn’t just venting?
Is he providing 30% of the parenting in practice? If so, good luck having another baby with him….and Yanbu.

When did he last have time to himself? And I don't mean going to work, having a shower etc I mean actually going out on his own for something social?
Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting time to yourself.

I am actually quite speechless that your husband would even verbalise this when you are heavily PREGNANT.
At a time when he should be particularly caring for you and your little DC
I think I would feel so upset and unloved if my husband had ever said this.
I really hope he relays his thoughts and your conversation to his mates and gets absolutely gets shot down in flames.
I really hope he has a wake up call and behaves better.

TBF it's probably more that a lot of men ☹️

Exactly what I was thinking.

Jimmy on relationships do some really good content on this, he did this and now is a SAHD and his perspective has shifted.

Might be worth a look. The myth of having to decompress after work etc

So he actually does around 70% of the work to your 30%? Given this, I don't think he is being unreasonable.

What a twat. Parenting is a full time job. He can be a 30% parent when they are grown up and dont need you as much. Otherwise he should have thought about what he was doing before he stuck his dick in. Everyone has times they wish they had more time and freedom. That is normal. Its his response to it (and the fact he felt it was acceptable to say it out loud) that is not normal.

This.

Otherwise known as 'women's work' in this minds of men like this.

Good quote from @Shetlands

So your DH works 5 days a week, has weekends to chill and plays sport a few evenings a week. Meanwhile you work 7 days a week (2 of them paid) and rarely have any time to chill or pursue a hobby. No wonder he's worn out and 'super frustrated', the poor dear...

And this is the reason why some women end up going to their GP totally worn out and starting to get ill from the stress.

This.

I think this is partly where is issue lay. He goes out twice a week at least for sports, a weekday evening then an early Saturday morning. I think he yearns more, when at home being to do like creative projects on the laptop for example without a toddler 'interfering' like wanting to sit on his laps, smacking the keys. So he feels weekends fly by without feeling he has been 'productive'. In our recent conversations we both just reminded ourselves that that is past life, children are here and how much time he has to 'himself' is sort of limited now and I kind of said, at most I think we can fit in two hobbies weekly and prioritise them.