DH said he wants to be a 30% Dad

[Japaneseflower]

Curious of people's opinions about this. I'm happily married for 5 years. We have a 2 year old and second due in a few weeks. Lately, parenting has felt all consuming and the 2 year old antics have definitely ticked in but overall I would say its not even too extreme. It's mostly throwing things and sometimes not listening. Anyway, I feel I am definitely the main caregiver which I don't mind and enjoy but it's been a tough few months being pregnant with a toddler. I spent half a day out yesterday so my husband stayed home with him and I find every time he looks after our son for a few hours, my husband is very overwhelmed, tired and exhausted. Then today he said he feels he wants to be 30% involved with childcare (I believe that's what he meant). Obviously I was not happy with this at all because I feel this is the reality of parenting and our free time does decrease. He admits that he selfishly yearns for more time to himself. I get him, I do but I also need support and truly believe both parents need to be fully in. What do people think?

That’s debatable. If you love all three of your DC, how was life better when there were only two? I guess we’re all different and some people view children as more of a chore than a pleasure. Though I think most people look back from their deathbed with far more pleasure and pride in children than any paid job or hobby, even those at the top of their field.

Of course, each child is more work, but not equally. A meal cooked for 5 people isn’t much more work than a meal for 4. Taking 3 kids out isn’t a great deal harder overall than taking out 2. Laundry for 5 people isn’t much more than laundry for 4, until they’re old enough to do their own.

IMHO it wouldn’t be fair for him to veto a third child if you really wanted another. That’s putting his wants and needs before yours. Unless you’re really struggling financially or due to disability/illness. Did you discuss how many children you’d like when you got together?

He seems to be a good negotiator. But each to their own, of course 🙏

His behaviour is contemptible. OP, it sounds like you are enabling him too, though.
Looking after kids is HARD. It just is. It’s much harder than working a day job. My husband and I have the same high pressure, long work hours job and we both agree we prefer to go to work than look after the toddler because it’s easier!

He may work outside the home, but you work inside the home and you should log your working hours and share them accordingly. Why don’t you get breaks at the weekend and in the evenings?

Don’t let this one go, and stop enabling him to be a pathetic man child who needs a mummy to perform him responsibilities and clean up after him.

It's interesting that you say that, because his reasoning too was that if I really wanted the third child, we should.

Yet I actually think that you and he have a minority opinion in this, and that most people firmly believe you should only have another child if both parents are 100% on board.

I am grateful he was not one of them, and willing to have the third child :-).

I don't find young children draining. He does. I don't find many people around draining, I am super extraverted. He is introverted. He's not doing anything wrong by being like that.

"To each their own" nails it, really.

I utterly despise men like this.

Surely he should have thought about this before getting you pregnant again. Does that mean only 15 percent of each DC once new baby comes? He truly sounds pathetic

Tell him you expect 70% of his pay check, if he wants 30% of childcare. Honestly, I don’t understand how there are this many men, who just shouldn’t have had children ?!

OP you talk about being supportive towards him, why don't you insist he is supportive towards you the Pregnant Mother of his children ?

Of course he loves being a dad, you do all the hard bits.

hoe can he seriously look you in the face and say he wants to spend less time with his child?

“I don’t care about your well being, or the concept of fairness. I have a very feeble moral centre, am selfish, and sexist.”

Should have been his wedding vows.

You should have an equal amount of free time. But if you are a stay at home mother then the majority of day to day child care will fall to you. It's the time when DH is not working outside the home that needs divvying up - so you each have some time (equal amount) to yourselves as well as family time together. TBH the amount of 'by yourself time' you each have is liable to be half a day a month maximum, the remainder of the time your DH is not working outside the home being joint childcare/family time. Make sure he cooks 50/50 though, does the washing up and knows how to use a mop, the dishwasher and washing machine, to fold laundry and change beds - these are the unpaid work items that exhaust most women and make going out to work even part-time very nearly impossible if they are not completely equally shared. They are also the freely done things that make it possible for capitalism to work - time whoever does them was paid for them.

Exactly.
However many hours he has to himself outside of work and parental duties, you need the same.

Whether that be on the nights he doesn't have sports, or over the weekend.

Honestly sit with him and chat about where that can be fitted in for you .

You were a whole human before you met him, there is absolutely no reason at all why you have to go without a break too. You are as important as anyone else and you deserve the same.
You feel tiredness just like he does.

He is not special or exempt from responsibilities just because he gets tired.

Sorry but 😂😂

To me, this sounds like a clunky way of saying he is burnt out and needs more time to re-charge. But the reality is that you both do.

You have a 2 year old and now you’re having another and there is no let up. I didn’t have my 2nd til first was 5 and in those extra years, we had time for ourselves, we went for adult weekends away, we both travelled loads (while the other was home with dc), we had lots of time for just feeling normal again. But you’re still in the thick of it and will not come out for a few more years and it’s hard.

Sit down and work out how you can both get some more time. What do weekends look like? It sounds now like you tiptoe around him and give him space. But realistically, working isn’t as hard as parenting. Even when I was doing 6 hours of travel a day, plus working in a demanding role, plus working evenings and a bit on the weekends, which I did when both of mine were young, it wasn’t as tiring as parenting full time. Give him time to go do something on a Saturday, but also plan in time for him to solo parent while you go do something. It won’t get easier if he never gets any practice.

I can't believe this is a new thing - I'd not be having more kids with him that's for sure.

He has a few evenings a week and he yearns for for free time. When do you get free time? Where are your few evenings a week? He's a selfish wanker. When he's home he needs to engage in parenting. You need to carve out time for yourself and self care otherwise he will just take advantage.

Well that would possibly work if you replaced him with an involved stepdad to take over the other third of parenting 🤔

He admits that he selfishly yearns for more time to himself.

Welcome to Grownupville. Most working parents will feel the same, this is not news.

I get him, I do but I also need support and truly believe both parents need to be fully in

He was presumably fully in a few months ago when he decided another baby was what he wanted? It sounds like he's barely acheiving single figures of "parenting" percentages, never mind 30% and you're shouldering the majority of the load. He has evenings and weekends to himself, you asked him to look after his child for a morning and it was all a bit too much?

I'd be giving this short shrift and making it a regular Saturday morning thing, he is going to need to step up significantly when the baby arrives never mind 30%. Unless he would like a divorce, but I can't see that making his life any easier. Joker.

He sounds like an utter wet wipe. Why does he get the weekends to chill? Why does he get the evenings to do sport?

This is why if my husband dies I will never bother dating. The bar for so many men is on the floor.

He doesn't love being a dad. He loves the IDEA of being a dad or he likes playing. But the actual parenting/adulting is too much for him. I'm sorry but this is not going to be good for you. If anything you need to go to some kind of couples counseling right now becuase when you have another baby in the mix he is going to crack and very likely bolt. Are you ready to be a single mom?

It's fine to want that. You might want that to. What's not fine is to opt out of doing things so that the other parents has to give 170%. I hope you get that in writing so that when you divirce he won't come for 50/50

And tell the other woman 'she changed, she's no fun, she doesn't respect me, she always nags, she never wants to have sex with me, I don't know why'

Great

This should be compulsory reading for women who are desperate for children with men who are reluctant fathers.

This kind of conversation needs to be had before any subsequent children if the couple already have a child.

TBH, I cannot understand the overwhelming desire to have a child with someone who is obviously not going to pull their weight as a father.

So you see when I did this with dh, his reaction was to switch from ‘Lion has it easy being at home. Why isn’t xyz done’ to ‘Fucking hell, that’s hard work! I now really appreciate the effort she is putting in’.

Thatsxa huge difference isn’t it? Not moaning how hard it is and playing the martyr, ‘oh woe is me’ and I need more diwn time but a newfound respect for anyone looking after young children.

Your dh is simply selfish (which I think he actually knows). But he is hoping to make you feel guilty and for you to rescue him from being a dad…

id remind him that, if he was an EOW dad, which really is the bate minimum you’d expect from a father, he’d be looking after his dcs on his own for a whole weekend…. Is he saying he couldn’t even manage that?

Btw it’s not tricky re you working ‘only’ 2 days a week.

It’s only tricky if you assume that looking after young chikdren is a walk in the park, easy and stress free. THEN, your 3 days at home look like you’re having 3 days for yourself longing aroubd.

I think you BOTH need to change your outlook there.
YOU need to deeply believe that looking after your toddler is work (and worthwhile, just like his work) and isn’t easier than being at work.
YOU need to believe your needs of down time are just as important as his.
YOU need to believe your role isn’t to mother him constantly and make his life easier - at your detriment.
Because unless you truly believe all of that, you’re going to struggle to make him realise how selfish he is.