DH said he wants to be a 30% Dad

[Japaneseflower]

Curious of people's opinions about this. I'm happily married for 5 years. We have a 2 year old and second due in a few weeks. Lately, parenting has felt all consuming and the 2 year old antics have definitely ticked in but overall I would say its not even too extreme. It's mostly throwing things and sometimes not listening. Anyway, I feel I am definitely the main caregiver which I don't mind and enjoy but it's been a tough few months being pregnant with a toddler. I spent half a day out yesterday so my husband stayed home with him and I find every time he looks after our son for a few hours, my husband is very overwhelmed, tired and exhausted. Then today he said he feels he wants to be 30% involved with childcare (I believe that's what he meant). Obviously I was not happy with this at all because I feel this is the reality of parenting and our free time does decrease. He admits that he selfishly yearns for more time to himself. I get him, I do but I also need support and truly believe both parents need to be fully in. What do people think?

I think it’s totally fine. Why should anyone be expected to parent more than 30% of the time? He sounds a prince. Well done you for bagging him!

I’d be laughing directly at my DH if he tried that one…. Any child free time is 50/50 the end.

Unless he is going to go out earn ALOT more so you can get a cleaner and nanny then tell him he’s dreaming

Tell him you will also do 30% and ask him how he plans to fund the remaining 40% of childcare.

Tell him you only want 30% too so what’s his plan for the other 40%

I think where he is going wrong is believing other parents are not longing for time to themselves in this scenario - he's not soecual or somehow uniquely unable to parent. And also that bevause he feels something, he should be able to follow his feelings rather than overcome them. That's exactly what good parents are trying to teach 2 year olds - that their feelings are containable and not dangerous, but also that it would be better to overcome those feelings and react differently. If he can demonstrate patience and attention to his child, his child is going to learn that it's possible to endure difficult feelings, deal with then and move on to be OK.

Sounds like the type that will one day walk out on his children.

Offer him 30% of being his wife. That would be organizing the wedding and his funeral. Other than that you are a free agent.

He's only being honest OP. It's only when he tries to put it into practice that it will become a problem.
Tell him to grow up. This is reality now😂

Divorce him and go for either 50% shared custody or push for him to have 100% custody and you have the kids EOW. Then he'll wish he kept his stupid, selfish mouth shut. The stupid, entitled, selfish eejit.

30% sounds great. Tell him you want the same and ask him who does the other 40%? Maybe walking him through the numbers will help him realise you'd both need to do another 20% to make it work.

So that's 2.5 days a week roughly. Excellent! Hand the children to him at 6pm every Friday and go away, or at least do absolutely nothing child related, every weekend, picking them back up at 6am Monday.

Is he planning to get another husband to parent his other 70 oercent? Request final approval of the guy. He should look like Chris Hemsworth and be absolute perfection as a dad.

I know someone who had this arrangement. She wanted a second child, he didn't. They agreed that the extra work from the second child would fall on her. It actually happens in a lot of families but these guys planned it! She's lovely, professionally successful (reasonably, not like a world leader) empathic, fun. When she told me I couldn't understand why anyone would accept less than 100% from their partner but it seems to be working out for them. I'd get resentful and wouldn't feel loved but people aren't all the same.
I'd assume any dad saying "I want to be a 30% dad" was discussing post separation contact.

I think you need to parent to the needs of the family and not as if your toddler dictates what you do. Weekends should be one toddler activity/class and the rest family based. Out to lunch until they get what that means, for example

Surely we all selfishly yearn for more time to ourselves? I know I do. I just suck it up, because I chose to have my kids and I love them. And DH feels the same way, thankfully.

30% of parenting time is 7.2 hrs a day. I'd accept that.
Let him know 6pm - 1am weekdays is his time.
Maybe 10- 5 on weekends?
How does that work for you op?

I honestly do not understand why these blokes have families. Men have free will - they can go and get the snip, they can choose condoms, they can choose to be single, they can choose to partner up with a woman who does not want children.

What they can't do is announce their preference for opting out of 70% of their parental responsibilities, weeks before their second child, with their wife, is due. What does he expect you to do with this information OP? Is he actually telling you that this is what he will be doing from now on?

30% of what? Does he even know? Tell him you fancy it too, and ask what does he suggest for the remaining 40%?

A parent is a parent 100% of the time.

One: If (as I suspect) he means he wants to split up the "work" of childcare in your family/household so he does only 30%, how does the other 70% get done? You each do 30% and a nanny does the other 40%? Or you pick up more than your 50% share - and if so, is he willing to take on other shared household duties that you currently handle so each of you still has a similar amount of leisure time?

Two: even if the two of you agree to a split that works for you both, how do you make sure the children are not adversely impacted? While obviously single parent families (or even families without any parents) exist and many make things work, these children have two parents present and it seems risky to artificially deprive them of some of that parenting.

Three: what exactly is he opting out of? Splitting up the physical work is technically doable, but what about all of the other aspects of parenting? Do you get 70% of the vote on (for example) where the children go to school, how much allowance they get, what they learn about ethics and manners and behaviour, whether they can have, get, or do various things from now until they are 18? If one child has a crisis and Dad has already done his 30% for the day or week or year, does the child have to wait until you're available to help? Is he going to attend a fraction of their birthday parties, or Christmases, or leave 30% of the way through? Or get up an announce "done Dadding!" and lapse into drunk uncle mode?

My opinion is that it's a stupid thing to say.

Most people I know who have had a DH like this end up divorcing when the children are older. The resentment eats away at the marriage.

Does he do at least 7 hours of parenting a day? If not, then he's not even doing 30% now.

He admits that he selfishly yearns for more time to himself.

If he hasn’t done his research before having kids and has only just realised that this is how ALL parents feel, then that’s on him!

Does he even love his children, child?

Or is this just a chore he can put into percentages? That just screams to me he's an utterly shit father who just wants everything to be about him.

What iif the 2 year old wants 100% dad is that a no? I have to be fair if my DH had said that at any point he would have been out on his arse.

Yeah, I'm trying to take it with a pinch of salt. I know a few people have asked 'what he thinks that will actually look like'. I don't think he knows himself! But I do see a trend that whenever I've had my free time (which is much much less than him) he's super frustrated when I come back and makes remarks about how tiring 'childcare' is and he couldn't 'get anything done'. Ugh

Sounds ideal. So he does his 30%, you do your 30%, and the other 40% of the time the kids fend for themselves! Why not.

Seriously though what a fucking dick. Just who do these pathetic men think they are?!