DH said he wants to be a 30% Dad

[Japaneseflower]

Curious of people's opinions about this. I'm happily married for 5 years. We have a 2 year old and second due in a few weeks. Lately, parenting has felt all consuming and the 2 year old antics have definitely ticked in but overall I would say its not even too extreme. It's mostly throwing things and sometimes not listening. Anyway, I feel I am definitely the main caregiver which I don't mind and enjoy but it's been a tough few months being pregnant with a toddler. I spent half a day out yesterday so my husband stayed home with him and I find every time he looks after our son for a few hours, my husband is very overwhelmed, tired and exhausted. Then today he said he feels he wants to be 30% involved with childcare (I believe that's what he meant). Obviously I was not happy with this at all because I feel this is the reality of parenting and our free time does decrease. He admits that he selfishly yearns for more time to himself. I get him, I do but I also need support and truly believe both parents need to be fully in. What do people think?

So he’s got all the benefits of a third child to love, while you take on the work?

Did he even want to have children in the first place or is he like a lot of men who just go along with it for their wives and because it's just what you do?

I'm not sure insisting he steps up is even worth it to be honest....hes a man so can walk away much easier and see his children for a couple of hours at the weekend if he feels like it. I think a lot of men probably prefer this.

His salary is our salary and to be fair it was harder when children were small. They are now 15 and 11 (but eldest SEN so needs help and guidance with everything).

Though to be fair, this could be the start of a productive conversation, if he genuinely does love being a dad. Because maybe he can work out how to be more of a dad in a way that energises him.

As long as what you love about being a mum is equally important and part of the conversation, not him cherry picking the fun bits and you doing the rest.

Basically I think there is no one size fits all here. It all depends. Personally I wanted to be with my children even though I got a university education. It felt meaningful to me raising them and when one turned out autistic it's not like we had much choice.

My husband is a ‘30%’ parent (he works away most the week - he likes it this way). He finds being a parent hard work and would struggle with helping with bedtime every night for example or getting them out the house of a morning.

He would have preferred a family of two *children. It's not a benefit to him.

His life is a little less nice now, on balance, because his life feels like chaos and he doesn't get as much done of the things he values in life (yes, despite adoring the third). Mine is a lot nicer, because my family feels complete.

Believe me, I feel I got the good end of this deal.

It would have been fair of him to just veto the third child, so I am delighted we found something we are both happy (me) or okay (him) with.

Surely it is very common to know that while you might love the child itself, life is/was better/easier with one less.

If he's just talking about how he misses his free time then that's OK. He should be able to be open and honest with you and lets face it as parents we've all wished for more "me time".

I would have a conversation with him about how you can both have some child free time as I do think that's important. Does he want one evening a week to go to the pub/gym/see a friend. Timetable it in but make sure you get the same.

Then talk about what family weekends look like, what activities can you all do together which don't just seem like running around after small kids but are also enjoyable to the adults.

Sounds great. Leave the house alone when he comes home from work on Friday and return Monday morning. That is 30%. Bonus - you get the whole weekend to yourself and he gets quality time with his kids!

This

People keep saying this and it's ridiculous. You can't force a man to take custody

This might not be as bad as it sounds. My DH prefers to leave a lot of the kid load to me (choosing outfits, getting dressed, deciding on hobbies, bedtimes etc) but his idea of getting a bit of alone time is cooking dinner while I do homework with the kids, putting earphones in and doing a full house clean while o take them to their hobbies at the weekend, cleaning up from dinner while I do bath and bed. I hate those tasks but love doing stuff with the kids so it works for us. One caveat though- he’s a teacher so he quite often deals with them on his own during the week for days on end and is more than capable.

Sounds like you need a proper sit down and a talk with him.

At the toddler stage it's all consuming and some people don't cope, or don't enjoy it, as you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel (I was one of these people), especially as you're pregnant and he can see another X years of the same.

You're doing the right thing thing by not automatically trying to plug the gap for him, you need YOUR time too, so don't stop going to see friends etc, but maybe he needs some help as to how to parent your toddler. Rather than him staying in and trying to get stuff done, as well as looking after his child, he could have a day out with him. Or he could just not try to do other things and solely concentrate on looking after your toddler and when you get home you double team the mess made.

Everyone struggles with something when dc see that age, he needs to stop looking at the centre parcs poster family and think this is real life .

I had me, one of these.
Lots of children, which we both said we wanted, but reality hit differently for him. I was the “SAHM” with no career, but various jobs during preschool/ school times and evenings after bedtime, while he worked Mon-Fri 9-5, with sports after work and weekends.
He left eventually. I’ve heard every excuse under the sun, including having too many children, and needing “space” and peace and quiet (yes, there was another woman). I’m not saying that this is the future for you, but I think you need to have a serious talk with him, about how he (in fact, how BOTH of you) see your future lives as a family progressing and developing.
On a serious note though, don’t leave yourself financially dependent on him, while you pick up the child care. Make sure you have a good pension, in your own name. Have your name on the deeds of the house etc.

I can't believe he came out with that when you're so heavily pregnant with an agreed upon second child.

Come back to him " It's great you have realised parenting is so exhausting and you want to up your contribution to 30%. I have worked out you will need to give up going out on Thursday nights as well as Tuesdays and I don't think the football is going to work either.

Of course when we have DC2 that you agreed to have it may be a bit tricky for me to do 70% of the parenting of two DC particularly post partum, so I am going to investigate night nannies. How do you plan to pay for that?"

I mean EOW is around 30% he might consider that.

Work out what that would cost him on the child maintenance calculator and present it to him. Ask him if you want to formalise the arrangement and when he was hoping to start.

Another man child. Wouldn’t we all love more time to ourselves? But we also decided to have children and they come first.

What a self indulgent knob.
He is parenting not doing ‘childcare’ and it’s his child!

I would not take this lightly, you need to be clear what his responsibilities are, and yes parenting is hard work for everyone at times.

I would suggest he needs more practice not less, he needs to develop his own strategies and interests with his son. Being tired is standard, being exhausted is normal. He needs to grow the hell up, and fast.

DP and I both work full time and have a toddler. I think it's really selfish that your husband doesn't spend time with his son in the evenings, prioritising time with his friends over his son. You can't chill at the weekend if you're the parent of a toddler. Tell him to grow up and look after his child. Why did you choose to have a second child with a man who is a useless dad?

Maybe ask what he actually means by this? If he wants an afternoon per week child-free, fine, as long as you get the same. Maybe he’s finding work and childcare a bit too full on at the moment.

I agree it’s a stupid and thoughtless thing to say, but perhaps talk through his feelings rather than dismissing them.

Maybe also explain that looking after children is time consuming, and he should plan his time accordingly. Ie. Don’t try and do things during that time. Having young children is tough.

You work 7 days a week though don’t you, we all do when we have small children, it’s just that 2 days of that is presumably out of the house?
If he has a few evenings a week where he does sports then he’s getting plenty of free time, how many evenings do you get free? I suspect none.
He needs to grow up and stop selfishly thinking of himself all the time, does he ever stop to think that you might need a break?

I mean technically, saying/thinking that is absolutely fine. Lord knows there's enough posts on here day in day out of people saying they miss their old life, wish they had more free time, they love their kids but find parenting/the workload boring or overwhelming. Replies stating how they feel it too, can't you put little one in nursery for longer or leave them with someone whilst getting "you time" etc. At least he's honest and not bottling it up.

The issue is how this comes through as Actions, I think? If he's still loving, supportive and involved I don't think it's a problem. If he's distant, snappy and leaving 70% of life to you, not so much!

My DH is a bit like this @Japaneseflower and actually it comes out more after he's had time away. It's like they get a snippet of "old, carefree times" then it's back to reality. It does make me angry when he says things, but if I step back and look at the whole, it's not actually that bad.

We only have one, a five year old boy with autism. I do bed times and night wakes and I'm more on top of appointments, forms etc. But DH comes to any appointments that are essential, he sits with me doing forms and he reads the books/online resources etc. He does bath time and reads stories when DS eats supper every night. He works earlier shifts so I do the school run, which is hard because DS can have high anxiety about drop offs and I need to ensure everything goes smoothly. But DH does pick ups and has him on his own for a couple of hours 3/4 days a week when I'm still at work, which can get overwhelming some days.

Housework we now split pretty evenly I think. When DS was younger I'd say DH definitely did more on that side because DS was glued to me and it took lots of time, patience and strategy to slowly but surely work on that.

I guess what I'm saying is, I know it's hard to hear but there's nothing necessarily wrong with feeling like you wish some days you only had to do 30%, as long as you also accept that's not actually an option and find a way to work through that without it negatively affecting the family.

Absolutely this. Yes parenting can be all consuming and overwhelming at times but from what I'm hearing is that just a few hours leaves your DH feeling so tired and overwhelmed that he now wants to opt out of parenting.

What does your DH love about parenting and if a few hours with just one child leaves him unable to cope, how does he think life will be like with two?

You need to stop pandering to him and buying into this idea that as he works 9-5 that he's somehow more deserving of a chill out weekend. All I hear from you is you be supportive to him while he gets chilled put weekends and evenings out for hobbies.

Your pregnant, working and looking after a toddler. Where is the support for you? If he finds looking after his own child so hard, why he is he so happy for you to run yourself ragged and not offer you the same downtime or support back?

He really needs to step up before the 2nd child comes. You can't simply opt out of parenting or step back when you have two young children at home and watch your own partner suffer at the expense of your own desire for free time.

Cool, tell him his 30% is basically the weekend, your 70% happens during the week, whilst you are at home with a small kid.