DH said he wants to be a 30% Dad

[Japaneseflower]

Curious of people's opinions about this. I'm happily married for 5 years. We have a 2 year old and second due in a few weeks. Lately, parenting has felt all consuming and the 2 year old antics have definitely ticked in but overall I would say its not even too extreme. It's mostly throwing things and sometimes not listening. Anyway, I feel I am definitely the main caregiver which I don't mind and enjoy but it's been a tough few months being pregnant with a toddler. I spent half a day out yesterday so my husband stayed home with him and I find every time he looks after our son for a few hours, my husband is very overwhelmed, tired and exhausted. Then today he said he feels he wants to be 30% involved with childcare (I believe that's what he meant). Obviously I was not happy with this at all because I feel this is the reality of parenting and our free time does decrease. He admits that he selfishly yearns for more time to himself. I get him, I do but I also need support and truly believe both parents need to be fully in. What do people think?

No time to read the full thread, OP, but I'd tell him that I wanted to parent for 30% of the time, too. That makes a total of 60% parenting, so who does he suggest does the other 40% of the time?

Are you both working full-time?

Do you struggle with these tasks? Are your children particularly difficult? Don't you care that he has basically opted out of parenting his children?

I just don’t get how men get away with opting out of parenting like this.

Men like this don’t deserve children.

WTAF is wrong with men like this ? Why on earth would he have TWO kids and say this when you need him to step up the most ?

In practice the only way he can do this is through divorce or actively abusing the children and denying care because it’s not his 30% time slot.

Men like this don’t deserve children.

Children deserve better than dads like this.

I would list ALL the household tasks that could possibly come under parenting, and allocate the time each task takes against it.

Once you have a total, you work out 30% - then offer to your DH to pick first task, you the 2nd etc until he has taken 30% of the timed tasks.

I bet you the remaining 70% is LESS than you currently do!

30% sounds like a number he isn't going to stick to even if you agree to it. His idea of 30% and yours could be very different.
My DS's dad said he would do 50% of what any other Dad would do, i.e. 25%. Over 22 years of parenting this resulted in:

1. not a single penny being paid towards DS's living costs
2. One babysitting afternoon on a Saturday in 2002, involving one nappy change, when I needed a haircut.
3. May 4 Sunday lunches out together in 2003 and 2004, when I paid for DS and myself and he paid for himself.

Just saying. One person's 30% is not the other person's 30%.

Because women continue to have children with them when a head over heart decision would be better.

Very true about 30% of childcare doesn’t mean doing 70% of household tasks and he’s imagining the 70% being uninterrupted fun time for him.

Agree with pp - is he even doing 30% now ?

Men like that find childcare exhausting when they do it, but when their partners do it, it's not a 'proper job'. The double standards are unreal. He probably thinks because he's working 9-5 and childcare is easy (when you do it) then he's perfectly justified spending all his spare time doing whatever he wants. Good luck with this one.

I can't believe there in 2025, women are still putting up with men who can't cope with the most basic of parenting tasks.

Imagine if a mum was to turn around and say she couldn't manage bed times or get them in the house in the morning? Why is it ok for some men to be married, have children and opt out of parenting and still be excused by their partners because they find it "too hard".

Yes parenting is hard. I used to fantasise about becoming a 50/50 parent to get time to myself but that was it. A fantasy. It's quite another to say it out loud and actively opt out of the bits of parenting you find hard. It's a terrible example to set to children and as children grow up, they aren't going to be appreciative of having such a useless parent.

This!

I think it depends on whether he's actually saying "I'm only going to be available 30% of the weekends going forwards" or if he means "I'm finding parenting really overwhelming and exhausting". I think we don't always express ourselves perfectly, I know I don't, but if it's the latter he might just want to express the feeling of not coping?

On a practical level my DH always liked to plan a lot in if he was on his own with our children as toddlers. He would take them to groups or classes or the library, out to a cafe for lunch, maybe a bit of TV after lunch, parks, swimming, shops, visiting grandparents etc. Being at home can be harder.

So he's already doing less than 30%? A few evenings off each week, weekends to chill?

Maybe he'd be less frazzled by childcare if he got more practice.

This…

The OP is working MORE than full time - she is solo parenting 7 days a week with another on the way. Her DH works 5 days and has weekends 'to chill' plus a few evenings for his sports.

Maybe he'd be less frazzled by childcare if he got more practice.

Good point!

Then today he said he feels he wants to be 30% involved with childcare (I believe that's what he meant)

What exactly was said?

So he acknowledges looking after the children is exhausting and means he "can't get anything else done" but he's happy for that to be your 'lot'? Blimey :/
I'm not sure he sees you as an equal human being tbh OP or he'd be saying "Christ this is hard going, what can we do to do to make it easier for both of us?"

He could start by ensuring you have equal opportunity for hobbies/time out of the house for a start.

It IS hard going with littlies, i had 3 within 2 years. Their Dad was not a selfish wet lettuce though, and we shared the 'grunt' as much as possible. He has a fab relarionship with them now as teens, something your DH needs to ponder - what your dcs will think about him in the future if he can't be arsed with them now.

I understand that it is unfair but if we are honest, aren't most dads only "30% parents" at best? Could it be that he is not selfish but simply more honest or scientific and accurate than most other men? I am not saying it wouldn't be great if all dads were 50% dads, but the truth is, I think most women would be lucky if their partner did 30% of the job.

Did he actually want to have kids? If so maybe you should remind him of that. If not, YABU.

My husband wasn't, my dad wasn't, my FIL isn't and most people have husbands and partners that step up as parents equally.

As I repeated earlier it's 2025 and women are told they should be "lucky" if their partner does 30% of parenting. If this is the bar that is set for men, it's no surprise so many women don't want children.

My eldest sibling was born in the 1980s and my dad did night feeds while working and everything else required to bring up a baby. We should be expecting parents to be parenting 50/50 outside of working hours, not telling women to expect anything less than this.

Sadly I know many who have this arrangement - just not agreed quite as formally as this prince is suggesting. 🙈😩

Yikes, my SIL ex-husband was like this. It was a surprise to no one but her when he left her just after their DC turned one. Ironically he is much more involved with their DC now they’re separated.