DH said he wants to be a 30% Dad

[Japaneseflower]

Curious of people's opinions about this. I'm happily married for 5 years. We have a 2 year old and second due in a few weeks. Lately, parenting has felt all consuming and the 2 year old antics have definitely ticked in but overall I would say its not even too extreme. It's mostly throwing things and sometimes not listening. Anyway, I feel I am definitely the main caregiver which I don't mind and enjoy but it's been a tough few months being pregnant with a toddler. I spent half a day out yesterday so my husband stayed home with him and I find every time he looks after our son for a few hours, my husband is very overwhelmed, tired and exhausted. Then today he said he feels he wants to be 30% involved with childcare (I believe that's what he meant). Obviously I was not happy with this at all because I feel this is the reality of parenting and our free time does decrease. He admits that he selfishly yearns for more time to himself. I get him, I do but I also need support and truly believe both parents need to be fully in. What do people think?

Tell him if he wants to reach 30% he needs to pull his finger out because it sounds like he is in single figures at the moment!

‘Childcare’ otherwise known as parenting

Thanks all for commenting. It's tricky because I work 2 days a week, him, the classic 5, Mon-Fri so I really try and give him his weekends to chill but I also then realise I haven't had any free time myself. Also bearing in mind, he has a few evenings every week where he does sports. I'm really trying to be supportive cause he seems overwhelmed by parental responsibilites but at the same time loves being a Dad and we both definitely want this second child.

I will say that you guys have put it in perspective that I probably do at least 70% of childcare anyway but I don't think it feels that way to him when he is in those moments of tiredness.

I think I would try to have a serious discussion with him about this and put it to him that this is not fair. If he failed to take me seriously I'd make sure that I was 0% partner to him from then on in and over the longer term I'd be planning my exit.
I would not (as others have suggested) use the children as weapons because he will likely follow his impulse to do the same back, ie when you force them on him he'll be unpleasant to them in order to punish you.

It's not "child care" when it's your own kids, it's "parenting".

That's the first thing he can get into his selfish skull.

he has a few evenings every week where he does sports.
Equal free time is fair. If your kid wrangling and doing housework the days you're not at your paid job that isn't free time. It sounds like he's getting more than enough me time. How much child free, work free, housework free time do you get?

I think we have said all sorts of things like this to each other during particuarly stressful parenting times. We have even spoken about taking 6 months each, moving out, running away, committing ourselves to get a break and whether committing a crime to go to prison for a break would in fact be easier.
If he has said that it is a sign he is finding things hard. Take it as a signal to pull closer together. Maybe you need to make sure you each get some free time or switch up your routines.

Just a thought here, he is probably not far off on his working week, if he works 5/5 and you work 2/5, and I suppose you could extend that to weekends and free time in the evenings in the same proportion. I KNOW that is not how it works, as in my direct experience (5 kids) the mum takes up far more of the slack, and actually as a parent, you are nearly 100% there all of the time, esp the free time, not being taken up by working. Has he just done the maths, spat it out, and is sort of joking ? x

Then i’d pretend to go along with his wish to do 30% and work out what that looks like together. Do us a favour and post a photo of his face when the penny drops!

Honestly though, if he was to decrease his involvement in family life you need to have watertight plans for your finacial future. Presuming your job has prospects then I’d be looking to go back full time asap, looking for opportunities to advance and sharing the home load as evenly as possible. Being a SAHM with a man like this is a recipe for disaster. Even more so if you’re working PT and getting the worst of both worlds.

They do it because they want a wife who is locked in (to a certain extent) and therefore get the benefit of a wife. I believe in their hands they think they are 'amazing dads' when the reality is they are very avoidant of the whole thing, but women often love their children enormously and cover the short fall.

I'm a woman but I'd love to be a dad rather than a mum in many ways. I'd be happy with 30% if I'm honest because there's other stuff I'd like to do with my time.

His honestly, while 'refreshing' is fucking insulting. As much as I'd like 30% I'm actually a completely solo parent and do 100% (lots of paid childcare though so I can work and keep the roof over our heads and the larder stocked.

I'd be massively icked out by his whining if I'm honest.

(In their heads, not hands!)

Is there any particular reason why he feels that you should be more than twice the parent he is?

I'm guessing he understands so little of what it actually entails to parent a child and has so little practice at it that 30% would leave him completely shattered?

What a twat. Does he really think this is an option?

If he’s frazzled every time he has to look after DC then the issue is most likely that he doesn’t do enough childcare, so he doesn’t know what will entertain your DC easily. He doesn’t recognise when DC needs some down time and when he needs to get him out of the house running around. He doesn’t know the favourite books/toys/playground/distractions. etc. He doesn’t have enough of a rapport with DC to be able to chivvy him along or negotiate some space when he needs it and he doesn’t have a few go-tos up his sleeve that are semi-certain to work when needed.

Wanting more time to yourself is common as a parent but being frazzled every time you have to look after your kids is not inevitable. He needs to put more time into his kids. Is there anyway he could drop a day of work and you could pick one up so you even up the amount of care you both do?

Yeah I'd agree with him. I want to do 30% too - how are we going to cover the missing 40%?

Probably needs all that free time to polish his crown, what with him being such a special prince and everything.

Also bearing in mind, he has a few evenings every week where he does sports.

Oh he’s one of THOSE dads 🙄🙄🙄

I’d say what he really needs to find childcare less exhausting, is more practice at it. Like you’ve had.

So instead of realising that this means you should have more time off, his mind immediately jumps to the idea that he shouldn't have to do it.

This is a monumentally selfish man, completely lacking in self-awareness. He thinks he's too important to be saddled with low value, thankless, hard work. So you can do it, because that's what you're fit for, as far as he's concerned.

So your DH works 5 days a week, has weekends to chill and plays sport a few evenings a week. Meanwhile you work 7 days a week (2 of them paid) and rarely have any time to chill or pursue a hobby. No wonder he's worn out and 'super frustrated', the poor dear...

This reminds me of a friend of a friend who, with a straight face, said “I think the problem is, I’m just not really suited to working”.

I'm really trying to be supportive cause he seems overwhelmed by parental responsibilites

aka learned helplessness. His get out of jail free card.

The fact your husband doesn’t see childcare as work is a problem and frankly I’d look at upping your hours after maternity leave.

As others have said on here I’d make sure you’re financially prudent as eventually you’ll resent him and all this free time he’s having.

He may work full time but that’s nothing compared to dealing with a toddler and a newborn. I’d also ask for some family help as if he can’t handle the toddler now, does he expect you to deal with this post partum and with a newborn? Your internalised misogyny is showing when you say he needs a break because you’re just at home with the kids, you’re working just as hard except you’re expected to do it without financial compensation.

Most likely he’ll show off for a few weeks whilst there’s an audience so make sure you have some support for when the normality sets in.

It honestly baffles me how so many women end up attached to these immature men then continue to defend their selfish actions. Make sure you have some extra support OP.

Almost like most Mothers don’t have a choice but to get on with it…

I empathise that OP is pregnant but the mental gymnastics to defend this deadbeat dad is ridiculous.

Any father can pay for kids, but being a dad is about being there.

Yep he sounds like quite the catch. I’m jealous!

That would have been insanely unfair on your children to kneejerk-deprive them of a dad for simply saying that. I would hope that you'd sit him down and have a discussion, and come up with a workable solution. Also, one spouse can't legally deny the other one access to the marital home.