DH said he wants to be a 30% Dad

[Japaneseflower]

Curious of people's opinions about this. I'm happily married for 5 years. We have a 2 year old and second due in a few weeks. Lately, parenting has felt all consuming and the 2 year old antics have definitely ticked in but overall I would say its not even too extreme. It's mostly throwing things and sometimes not listening. Anyway, I feel I am definitely the main caregiver which I don't mind and enjoy but it's been a tough few months being pregnant with a toddler. I spent half a day out yesterday so my husband stayed home with him and I find every time he looks after our son for a few hours, my husband is very overwhelmed, tired and exhausted. Then today he said he feels he wants to be 30% involved with childcare (I believe that's what he meant). Obviously I was not happy with this at all because I feel this is the reality of parenting and our free time does decrease. He admits that he selfishly yearns for more time to himself. I get him, I do but I also need support and truly believe both parents need to be fully in. What do people think?

I have heard this kind of thing a lot and it enrages me everytime I hear it.

THIS!!!

But they know women are so desperate for children that somebody will accept that just to have a child.

I don't understand people who don't want to bring up their own children. Children are lovely, and most people love their children. How can you not? I get that it's hard when they're young, but that stage doesn't last forever.

P.S. And it's like anything, the more you put into something, the more you get out of it. If you're a very involved parent, you get to see the fruits of your labour and you get to know your children very well. If you parent from a distance, of course you won't get the same satisfaction.

Quite. This guy is a dud, OP.

I understand this sentiment more. We are forced to have jobs.

He chose to have children!

So he is going to do 8 hours a day everyday of child care. That's is his 30%!!!!

Tell him him that you’re so glad to hear bc you only want to do it 10% of the time and ask him how he’s going to fix that. He doesn’t want to do it, you don’t want to it so he has to come up with a plan that makes all of you happy. Not just him. What a peach.

hes a disgusting man

But he flat out said that that was what he wanted.

Is it fair to force the poor diddums to parent when he would clearly rather be out of the house letting his wife get on with it?

....eyeroll....

My head is swiveling around after reading this.

Sports a few evenings a week.
Weekends to chill.

Is he a neurosurgeon? Tell me his work involves saving lives?

He loves the status that being a dad brings.
He may even love the idea of being a dad.
It's really easy to love being a dad when you're not spending much time with your child, and you can relax in the knowledge that someone else is handling the details of life in the trenches.

You're giving him the luxury of appalling self-indulgence. He should be absolutely ashamed of himself for taking it and running with it. The audacity of him.

He does not love being a dad to his child.
Love is a verb, not a noun.

And he is treating you very, very badly.

I love that he thinks he has the option to bow out of parenting

I'm prepared to concede that sometimes one person might be able to give less to parenting than the other if they physically or mentally can't cope. It does sound like your DH is struggling with just a few hours alone with one child. So that's not even 30%.

He might need to accept that parenting is hard work that sucks up your spare time and energy and maybe work on some coping strategies. He could work out out what childcare doesn't stress him out so much -- eg taking the kids to shops (I do this when I have 2 toddlers at once) or his family (my DH does this when he has 2) so you still get a break but he still copes.

Hi OP,

If my DH said something like this just weeks before giving birth, I would be pretty annoyed with him. Also, coupled with you mentioning that you do most of the childcare anyway, and so having only experienced not much of the childcare anyway, he still finds it so tough he's voicing he could do with being a 30% dad.

HOWEVER, I did want to say this. I (as the mum) do find parenting tiring, and heck, I think being a mum 30% of the time would free up SO MUCH time and given me the opportunity to do so much that I don't have time for. I think it's OK to have that feeling because parenting can be tough. That said, I couldn't actually do this in theory because at the same time all I want to do is be with DC. DH the other day, at a lunch, was speaking to some friends and said he gets no time for himself. I picked up on this as it sounded like he was complaining and followed up when we got home and asked what that was about and how we could work towards a solution. He reflected and said that actually family time is something he valued the most and he would choose it over everything BUT a break would help his feelings of exhaustion.

Maybe your DH didn't articulate it eloquently, but I do think it is OK to express overwhelm, but I hope if you asked DH to elaborate further he would go on to tell you how much he still loves this part of his life still.

This has to be a wind-up.

@flowerrrrpoweerr

His honestly, while 'refreshing' is fucking insulting. As much as I'd like 30% I'm actually a completely solo parent and do 100% (lots of paid childcare though so I can work and keep the roof over our heads and the larder stocked.

You don't do 100% in the terms of this thread though. 100% of the parenting and responsibility sure, but you are not doing 100% of the childcare. Some is outsourced.

Working mothers get so irate if you suggest they are not "full time parents" but if I as a current SAHM suggested that I am a part-time worker they would piss themselves.

But they feel free to discount the work of mothers who are home doing the childcare by suggesting they somehow do it "all," as if they are in two places at once.

Well, you don't. I have massive respect for full-time working mums. But that respect only ever seems to go one way. A working mother does it all and is a 100% parent. I'm apparently only doing 50% of life then, don't know why I never have any bloody time. My work taking kids would be work if a nanny did it but if I do it is apparently recreation. Okay then.

I agree with some others. you sit him down and say these children have two parents. One of us loves them enough to be a parent. That’s me. One of us wants only 30% of a parent, basically a fun uncle role sounds like. As the other parent who loves my children and already does 70%, so clearly you actually want less than 30%, I need to work out how to cope. Obviously I have to be 0% partner as I have no residual capacity, although I’d also argue doing 80% of the parenting makes me a fucking awesome partner. But love affection dinner tidying washing one on one time, giving a shit about your day - that’s out. While I’m working out how to adjust the balance can you please explain exactly what you mean? How often are you planning to facilitate my going out? Noting the number of activities you do is far more than what i do and you get a lot less moaning when you do go out about how shit it is to have to look after your own children. You know, with every word I say I love you less, but I suppose that doesn’t matter since the evidence says you don’t love me at all or at any rate don’t think I matter as a person.

Jesus Christ. Why would anyone expect less than 100% from their dad?! Poor second child. Instead of being welcomed joyfully and wholeheartedly into the world, their conception calls to mind a child negotiating for a pet hamster. "Only, and I mean only, if you feed it, dear, and clean out its cage when you get home from school".

Sometimes when I’m confronted with that level of absurdity I match it - “that’s a brilliant idea… but which 30% of the child shall we parent and what do we do with the other 70%”

Really you should sit down and have a serious conversation about it, but at his level of stupid I’m not sure how effective that would be

Why do some men think parenting is optional .

What a loser he is!

I'd say yes he can be a 30% parent which equals 3.6 months of the year, so does he want to do all the months in one go or space them out through the year?

He's a useless lump and a poor role model to your children and you'd be better off without him.

When we had our first I remember being really frustrated that I couldn’t get anything done when I was looking after the baby. The fact that you have a 2yo and he still feels like this tells me that he hasn’t done much parenting in the last 2yrs. It sounds like you’ve protected him from the realities of parenthood and whilst you have managed ok with just one, you are going to struggle a lot more when no. 2 turns up and inevitably the resentment will build. You need a BIG chat with him about this. I’d also suggest going away for the weekend and leaving the toddler to give him a crash course acclimatisation to real parenthood. He needs to understand that the less he does the more you have to do, is he ok with that? Remind him of that every time he complains - who’s going to do it if he doesn’t? IT’S YOU. There is not less to do because he decides he doesn’t want to do it. I can’t honestly believe this entitled arsehole has the audacity to complain about not having more time to himself. WTF.

At least he’s being honest. My DP, like many men, I suspect does 20-30% of household/chiildcare/lifeadmin stuff but believes it’s 50/50 and I’ve given up trying to walk through how much more I’m doing. Family or paid help to support you both more a possibility?

If he feels overwhelmed now with one what kind of partner will he be when number 2 comes?

He clearly needs more practice. When someone is bad at something they need to do more of it not less.

I'd take this tack. In fact in general this is how anyone attempting incompetence gets treated in our home. 4 competent adult (youngest 16) now.

1. It’s not childcare, it’s not a favour to you
2. It is a bit manipulative to behave like this any time you get a bit of ‘me time’ as no doubt you have to pick up the pieces when you get home
3. If he’s so tired etc, perhaps he needs to cut down on his week night activity instead of the being a father and partner activities