Uni has completely changed my daughter

[Koukla]

My daughter started uni 3 months ago and she came home for Christmas, I’m just completely shocked by her behaviour and irresponsibility. Drinking , passing out, unprotected sex ( and not on the pill) not attending any lectures, there’s probably drugs too but I have no clue. She’s always been so well behaved, I drummed in the sex talk , she never drank before uni, she’s an A* student, I just feel like I’ve completely failed as a parent. She doesn’t seem bothered by any of the consequences of anything at the moment. It’s impossible to speak to her about any of this as she’s become quite rude and defensive. She’s an adult I know , so do I just let her learn from mistakes? but those mistakes can be life changing, pregnancy, sexual assault. Where’s the line between alcohol addiction and, drug abuse. Am I overthinking this and just being irrational?! I’ve barely slept or eaten over the Christmas hols finding out all of this, I’m so worried.

Does Uni know that she is autistic? They will have support available to her.
She needs to find the geeks in her course, rather thn keep this drinking. If she cannot control it, she may need to study from home....

Totally support your way of doing things, rather than focus purely on grades

People don't behave like this if they are happy.

It sounds like she’s had a sheltered life up to now and is going over the top with new found freedom.

drinking is not bad. Passing out is not great but as a one off is a normal learning experience. Unprotected sex is a big issue and missing lectures is not ideal.
try to just focus on the big issues for now. How about helping her get contraception and condoms.

What would a bollocking achieve ?

I know that I should have deferred, and probably would have done, had I been diagnosed at the time.

I teach at university. This is normal. Drinking and lecture-skipping is what most of the students do in their first term. There were a couple of years a few years back when they didn't. Partly Covid, partly cultural. Now they're back to drinking heavily.

The worrying thing is the unprotected sex. She should be on the pill. In reality, if she's having sex only with other 18/19 year olds, the risk of a serious sexually transmitted disease is vanishingly low.
The thing that would worry me most is sex with older men via Tinder. Not only because of the STD component; that is not a safe thing for an 18 year old to be doing (we had a scary welfare case last year).

Hard call. I changed utterly at Uni, unfettered from responsibility, pressure to do well at school , my parents, and found myself on a course i didn’t really like. I knew I’d made a huge mistake, but didn’t know what to do. I took drugs, I cut lectures, i didn’t want uni, I did want freedom. My mother loved me, but didn’t know how to communicate with me, and eventually I dropped out. TBH, back in the 1980s, it didn’t matter, I took another degree, found happiness, stability, but it took a long time. I think a child who falls to pieces at Uni may be caught in a tailspin of uncertainty, i certainly was, but I was dazzled by my freedom, by breaking away from everything I’d been ( straight A girl at school, well behaved, nicely mannered )…. Sometimes it might pay to look deeper into your child’s upbringing…was there an element of control in your parenting?….do you think your daughter is bucking against what she thinks you expect of her ?. I was terrified of failing my parents, so I dropped out. ( it made sense in my head at the time !!) . Ultimately, I’ve succeeded, and yes, I’ve learned hard lessons, but it’s not hurt me. Times are different now….. university education is almost a must, for any chance to achieve anything. Can you talk to your daughter about whether she’s happy at university…. Can you find a level on which you will engage?…..is there anything you both bond over, which could open a door into her Current psyche ?. As an adult, I realised I’d been both spoiled, indulged, and then emotionally abandoned as a young woman. I’d grown up entitled but emotionally lost. It might be worth a try to look deeply, if you can, look back over your daughters childhood and early adulthood, from both your and her perspective ….sometimes answers can be found there ?. Good luck , I hope things work out for you both.

I think you are closer than you think to her as she feelA it’s a safw space to tell you about her escapades. Uni is different and many go mad in the first term of freedom. Her peers enable and encourage that behaviour so she won’t see anything wrong as everyone is doing it. She’ll be reminded of her obligations, morally and ethically by you and she’ll weigh them up and come up with her own set of values.

I found the kids who had strict parents who drummed perfect behaviour into them were never allowed to drink, have girlfriends/boyfriends over to stay etc always went off the rocker at Uni when they were let off the leash the first time. The kids who were allowed to drink and didn’t have to hide things from their parents were more chilled when it came to nights out at Uni because it wasn’t a big deal to them. Restricting these things makes them more appealing when parents aren’t around and yes it can have quite dangerous consequences unfortunately. She’ll realise the error of her ways eventually as something will happen that will scare her, and you need to be there to support her when it does.

She’s experimenting with life. Hopefully, she’ll come through it unscathed. How do you know that she “hasn’t been attending any lectures”?

She’s kind of doing what a lot of kids do when they go to university. Go a bit crazy but her autism probably means she talks about it more openly?

I have an autistic daughter and she went bonkers during college (pre-university) whilst still living at home. Bloody stressful nightmare, also with life attempts. Feel for you.

be kind and consistent xxx

Have you made contact with the Autism support network at Uni? If she's not very savvy socially she's vulnerable, and her Uni should provide her with a mentor.

The excessive drinking and unprotected sex is a concern. Both these can have life altering consequences, and if she was my child (and I have two ASD daughters who both went to Uni away from home) I would be discussing this all very calmly and clearly. Buy her a big box of condoms, discuss STDs, and look into finding ways for her to socialise that don't involve her getting trollied. She needs support until she's mature enough to make these choices responsibly.

I remember when I was at college a female student in her first year developed a crush on a male tutor and began to wear to lectures sheer muslin blouses with no bra and flowers in her hair - very hippie and partying. 2nd year changed again and her clothes were sophisticated and 3rd year toned down, sensible, got a good degree and a worldly wise independent young woman

Yours are the best practical tips I've seen on here and I hope OP is paying attention. Since her feedback is so thin, it's difficult to know how she is feeling about everything members are saying. i'm afraid thatcomments wer a bit off-point until OP mentioned autism. I think I would go for a regular phone call - not texting - like 6pm every Friday. A warm friendly voice from home is really positive and makes her remembberthatyou misss her.I would be very carefu not to let her realise tha tyour son has been spilling the beans, though for the best reasons; or she might clam up. The more she sees you stressing, the more guilty she will feel.

Not necessarily, because it's often asymptomatic.

as my Mumsnet name suggests I am older.However when I lived with my parents they kept me on a very tight leash,so consequently when I left home I went wild,drinking,staying out half the night,different men, drugs.I did come out of it ok though!
My only advice would be to suggest she goes out with friends and one of them acts as,a guardian for the group,and they take turns at that role,making sure no one goes off with a stranger or any unsavoury person.As an adult I’ve come to realise my friends kept me safe,so encourage that behaviour with her and her friends.
Good luck!

I worry that the 20 somethings (we have 2 who worked hard to get qualified from age 10) are now seeing the so called "grown-ups" that are supposed to be running the planet just utterly Arse around, start wars, p* on the planet - see the housing odds and retirement escaping their parents and think f**it :o/

Sounds similar to my son who is ND. I knew his organisational skills were weak as it is associated with his condition but did not realise how completely he would flounder at uni. He was doing his own laundry and could cook basic meals before he went and I had prepped a budgeting spreadsheet and gone through it with him several times. Even so, he became very anxious and developed drug and alcohol problems, then made an attempt on his life. Fortunately, he reached out and came home early in 2nd year. He's been sober for 10 months and is doing well with a job and vocational training. Starting anxiety meds has made a huge difference to him and it seems he had been masking anxiety for years. He is bright but simply can not hold everything together as an adult yet due to being neuroatypical. I now envisage him needing support into his mid twenties at least but we are working together and things are looking brighter. I would talk to your daughter and avoid, at all costs, blaming her or being critical. By all means, let her know how worried you are but you need to find out how she is feeling. Hopefully, she will acknowledge that this behaviour is symptomatic of other issues and you can take it from there. Of course, as others suggest, she may be one of the many who pull themselves together after a shaky start but opening up the conversation with you can only be helpful.

Please don’t worry too much. She is testing the boundaries and acting out risky behaviour….all part of being a teen and growing up. All your good work has not gone to waste. It’s in there ! But this is something she needs to do to nature and grow up. I did it myself and I won’t scare you with what I did. But rest assured I became a well rounded caring responsible adult. Whilst she is going through this risky stage be consistent, supportive and there for her (even though she will dismiss you). Be her consistent rock. It is possibly because she feels secure that she is experimenting. It’s normal. She will return to you eventually as a more mature wiser young woman. If you have been there for her when needed she will always remember that in the years to come. It takes the patience of a saint but you will manage … because you love her and care for her x

You must read the book “ Strong female character” , Fern Brady's autobiography about her experiences as an autistic woman. There are a lot of mentions about promiscuity.

Oh dear. You sound quite strict. Obviously she's gone off the rails! Just be there for her. (Did she actually want to go to Uni, or was it your plan?). It's hard being a mum! Xx

How do you know she's not using condoms? It sounds like the pressure of being the perfect student got to her. I was a Grade A student and found going to Uni liberating in both positive and negative ways.

I'd done my A-levels in a school environment with strict timetabling and a sense of expectation from the school. Suddenly I was expected to know when my lectures were and when and get myself there on time. I found the lack of routine meant I really struggled.

And everyone was out drinking - especially in the first term. The first term actually went over stuff I'd done for A-level already so I wasn't learning anything new either. I also finally felt I could have some fun after working so hard at school. The big problem is that some kids do well because they're naturally bright and some because they work and study really hard. I even went out and had a part-time job.

Things do tend to settle after Christmas and people start to knuckle down and get working properly. Quite a few students quit at Christmas too. Part of being at Uni is about growing up and taking responsibility for yourself. She has to want to drink and party less for herself. It's really difficult but you can't do it for her.

By the sounds of it you raised her well but now she is an adult your work is done and it's up to her now to prove herself, kids are a constant worry and the way the UK is at the moment no one can blame parents as the dangers are now everywhere.

You can't worry yourself silly, you can advise her but it's up to her to either follow your advise or not. That's all you can do, however, she still has to give respect whilst in your presence and if she doesn't then set her straight.

Good luck