Uni has completely changed my daughter

[Koukla]

My daughter started uni 3 months ago and she came home for Christmas, I’m just completely shocked by her behaviour and irresponsibility. Drinking , passing out, unprotected sex ( and not on the pill) not attending any lectures, there’s probably drugs too but I have no clue. She’s always been so well behaved, I drummed in the sex talk , she never drank before uni, she’s an A* student, I just feel like I’ve completely failed as a parent. She doesn’t seem bothered by any of the consequences of anything at the moment. It’s impossible to speak to her about any of this as she’s become quite rude and defensive. She’s an adult I know , so do I just let her learn from mistakes? but those mistakes can be life changing, pregnancy, sexual assault. Where’s the line between alcohol addiction and, drug abuse. Am I overthinking this and just being irrational?! I’ve barely slept or eaten over the Christmas hols finding out all of this, I’m so worried.

You need to separate the potential crises from the disappointing behaviour.

Potential crises:

• Accident, injury or sexual assault when very drunk
• Failing her degree (mostly only need to get 40% in the first year)
• Getting pregnant/STI

So have a serious talk about how to avoid those serious consequences and try to separate that from expressing disapproval about generally unimpressive life choices.

Sounds like you don't really understand being ND and major life transitions.

At least you know what’s going on OP. She’s telling you for a reason. She’s an adult so you are limited in what you can do but here’s a few ideas:

• Book her into the sexual health clinic while she is at home. She needs to go along, get tested, get the pill and condoms.

• When she’s at uni start to send weekly/monthly care packages. It’s hard suddenly taking care of all your needs and maybe she’s a bit lost.

1) Amazon subscription for loo roll, razors, toothpaste, sanitary towels, shampoo and conditioner, vitamins etc. You can choose how often they are sent- once every 8 weeks etc 2) Send a box of old fashioned stationary/binders etc. I know everything is online now but it’s often easier to study with print outs/highlighters and binders 3) Send a Tescos delivery make sure she’s eating properly

• Send a check in daily text. You don’t have to ask her what she’s up to. Just fill her in on your day and the rest of the family. Send a goodnight text around 10/11pm.

• explain that she can make up for missed lectures but she has to start attending. Try and get her to see life beyond uni and try to get her applying for internships and focusing on her next steps in her career.
• If things continue, look into transferring to a different uni so she can live at home.

Unpleasant as her behavior was on Christmas Day, I feel sorry for your DD, she sounds completely overwhelmed with uni life and not particularly happy.

Could the two of you go out one day to do something that she enjoys (shopping, visiting somewhere, etc.) and have a good chat over lunch or a coffee about how she’s finding uni?
I’m thinking that a neutral space might be easier than home.

As others have said, she may just have been finding her feet the first term and will be more focused now-but certain things needs to be addressed. Even though they’re technically adults, our children don’t suddenly mature on their 18th birthdays, they often still need guidance from us.

I helped my DD (a second-year) sort out contraception the summer before she started uni -I just encouraged her to make an appointment with her GP and she got her prescription.

Same with the drinking. My DD likes a good party and she knows that I did too at uni! We actually chatted about it in the car this week and I’m reassured that she’s got a good balance between her work and social life.

Basically, I think that you need to talk to your DD in a non-judgemental way and support her to make better decisions. It sounds as if she’s asking for help, as she’s not being secretive about her activities. Perhaps she does need to take a break and start afresh in the autumn? Not everyone is ready for uni at 18.

I think this sums it up.
I agree with @motheronthedancefloor . She still needs parenting. Without showing diapproval I would make sure her contraception is solid and talk her through how to get the MAP and how to get tested for STDs.
Otherwise don't make too much of it but let her know the first term it's ok to let your hair down but you expect her to tone it down and get to work.
Missing all her lectures isn't a great start, especially if she's doing Maths at degree level. Even the very brightest actually have to work quite hard at a maths degree.

it is a rite of passage
she will calm down

I'd give her a big old bollocking personally. But ultimately you can't do much.

Why is she telling you? Does she want to shock you? It's nothing I didn't do but I didn't tell my parents, they'd have been disgusted.

Eventually I grew out of it! Hopefully she will - sooner rather than later...

I think it's hard but you have to let things run their course, at least for now. How do you even know about the sex being unprotected? I would say year 1 / term 1 is the wildest for most who get into the partying lifestyle so it may settle down a bit soon. Lots of people miss the odd lecture although maybe not more than 10-15% ideally? See how it is closer to the end of the academic year. The university may talk to her about missing lectures if it is quite a lot and she may listen to them if she cares about her course. Otherwise, she is an adult and has to make her own choices I suppose.

Nothing wrong with being promiscuous, but the unprotected sex isn’t ideal for sure

Almost everyone grows out of alcohol by their early-mid 20s once the novelty wears off, so the same should happen with DD.

I'm autistic and totally went off the rails as a teen, it's quite common. Try not to judge, it will be better if she can talk openly with you about all this.

Is she coping?

I was an A* student, then I went to uni, got bullied, was sexually assaulted, etc. I stopped going to lectures, started self-harming, and developed a drink problem. I was desperately lonely, mentally ill, and not managing, but my parents just thought I'd gone a bit wild and had no idea.

I would ask the brother to remind her to be careful, go on the pill and stay with friends on nights out etc.

It’s lovely they have a close relationship and she will take his advice much more than she’d take it from her parents.

You have not failed her.
She’s lived a very sheltered life and is now spreading her wings and going mad.

Most people go through these mad phases but because she’s always been so opposite, it’s obviously much more of a shock.

I was the wildest child you can imagine and I didn’t have family looking out for me.
Because of that I have been quite protective of my own DD and it’s only now that I’m realising I may have been too protective.
So I am trying to loosen up a little bit.

My biggest piece of advice is to not be Tom judgemental of her (in front of her).
The more you tell her how wrong her behaviour is, the more she’ll rebel and do worse things.

Tell her you are glad that she’s enjoying herself but to remember to stay safe and that not turning up to lectures may mean getting kicked off the course and having to come back home.
Try and say it in a non nagging way, which is pretty difficult considering most teens see any advice from their parents as nagging.

Chances are she’ll get this out of her system soon and then find a balance, where she’s more her true self.

How do you know she is drinking, passing out and having unprotected sex?

Not if she uses it as a coping mechanism.

I think this is my feeling overall. By the time mine went to Uni, they were well over alcohol experimentation and lots of drugs about in this area throughout their teens but luckily neither of them interested.

They both had alcohol significantly earlier than many on MN allow but the statistics on problem drinking show that young age of alcohol exposure is correlated with alcohol problems later in life. So it is hard to know what is best. Partly luck I guess.

Im not sure how I would handle it if I were to go through teen years again but I thought that if they end up in any kind of mess, I would rather it be when they were still at home so I could scoop them up

Are you supporting her financially OP? If so, I'd stop that immediately and let her get a job so she has less time for getting drunk and whatever else and has to earn some money.

Op, respectfully, why on earth would you not mention ASD in your op? Surely it's relevant to this scenario?

It's only been three months. Do you really think that she has undergone a complete personality change in that time?

What's happened is that she is probably seen what goes on at uni, been shocked herself and then is trying on this persona temporarily, because she doesn't know who the hell she is yet! She probably got drunk on Christmas day, in a safe place, among people who love her, because she's not stupid and she didn't dare do that at uni!

If her objective was to shock you and rebel and shake off her studious persona, and be a bit competitive with her siblings, then she is succeeding rather well! 😀

Obviously it's a completely different story if you think she is genuinely emotionally vulnerable, is allowing men to take advantage of her without realising the consequences, or she is so anxious and overwhelmed at uni, that she is using alcohol to cope? In which case she needs an urgent referral to student counselling.

Which is it op? Only you will know how her ASD affects her?

Just being shocked and outraged won't help though. You need to see beyond the words and behaviour and find out what's really going on! Take her out for a drive on your own. Do an unrelated errand. Just be together without any expectations or objectives. Stop off for a coffee. Talk to her in a very calm way without any pressure. Don't respond as if you are shocked by anything. Be a safe rock. Fake it if you have to.

Her defensiveness and rudeness is probably just a massive front. Maybe mention how overwhelmed you felt at uni at first. Talk to her seriously but calmly about potential risks and how she can protect herself. But do it from a "we love you too much to see you risk getting hurt because you mean the world to us", even when she is at her most putrid. Be calm and loving and see what happens. Tell her you love her whether she is being a complete whazzock or not. There's no need to be a doormat and accept her rudeness without calmly challenging it, but equally if you have to ignore some of the stupid crass behaviour to get to the nub of what's happening, then so be it.

Good luck

I would suspect some severe ADHD mixed in there with the autism.
please note I am referring to severe undiagnosed ADHD here. This is not the “norm”.
people with severe ADHD have no concept of consequences, no social filter, no ability to see the medium and long term effects of their actions, procrastination, no planning skills, very poor time management, no executive functioning that would help them see why and how to be accountable for their behaviours etc

the alcohol is probably a release from all the neurodiverse noises and anxieties in her head. She will be more susceptible to addiction.

don’t let her learn from her own mistakes if this is the case. Her brain doesn’t seem to have the ability to put remedial action in place. It’s an executive function and her brain must have it in order for “learning from her mistakes” to work.

you risk a lot by not getting the right diagnosis in place.

i suspect maths and philosophy is a hyper focus.

Haven’t read the full thread, but if it’s any use OP - I do remember from my own uni days that the kids who were more well behaved as younger teenagers did go a bit wild/let their hair down at that point! I partied harder at a younger age, which was probably more worrisome in retrospect- but i think if your dd had been a more rebellious teenager, you wouldn’t be feeling so shaken?

Ultimately, all those quite reckless students turned out absolutely fine. They took some risks and learned some lessons, but they are all in stable careers/relationships now - and all happy.

I feel for you as I have a fairly ‘sensible’ daughter off to uni next year, and I am sure she will cut loose a bit and I will also worry…but this is what parenting is.

Wrong thread.

There's quite a worrying link between autism and addiction. OP is right to be worried. Daughter sounds emotionally immature as many teenagers with ASD can be. I sometimes think kids on the spectrum could do with working for a couple of years (dealing with the adult world in a more manageable way) and deferring university entrance.

Rather be a slag than a judgmental misogynist

Each to their own but if she was my daughter she would be back at home. But in British culture that probably wouldn't happen.

Completely agree with this. She has additional needs and she needs help. She should take a break while she gets more independence, mature, gets the help she needs and consider her options