Uni has completely changed my daughter

[Koukla]

My daughter started uni 3 months ago and she came home for Christmas, I’m just completely shocked by her behaviour and irresponsibility. Drinking , passing out, unprotected sex ( and not on the pill) not attending any lectures, there’s probably drugs too but I have no clue. She’s always been so well behaved, I drummed in the sex talk , she never drank before uni, she’s an A* student, I just feel like I’ve completely failed as a parent. She doesn’t seem bothered by any of the consequences of anything at the moment. It’s impossible to speak to her about any of this as she’s become quite rude and defensive. She’s an adult I know , so do I just let her learn from mistakes? but those mistakes can be life changing, pregnancy, sexual assault. Where’s the line between alcohol addiction and, drug abuse. Am I overthinking this and just being irrational?! I’ve barely slept or eaten over the Christmas hols finding out all of this, I’m so worried.

I agree, many autistic students require scaffolding to succeed when they head off to University. Does your DD get DSA? Have any support from the Uni for her ASD to include counselling because of her history of suicidality? I’d take that route as soon as you can. My youngest DD has autism and is at Uni, the Uni Housing gave us £2.5k discount off an en-suite catered room with 10 meals a week that has weekly housekeeping due to her ASD as she can’t manage to cook all meals, do room & en-suite cleaning AND attend lectures. So we only pay for the accommodation cost of a regular room with no catering, no en-suite and no housekeeping.

The risky behaviours (drinking, unprotected sex) indicate trauma has happened at Uni or earlier but wasn’t dealt with. Has she been sexually assaulted? Or bullied? These kinds of self destructive behaviours are common in autistic women due to PTSD where its anger is being directed inwards into self-harming of one sort or another (both drinking and risky sex are self harming).

Its a cry for help and love,

When I was at university it was always those kids who had hardly had a drop of alcohol before they went and had hardly been allowed to go out who were the worst. The wildest one was my friend who had been to convent school.

I'm sure she is sensible basically and will knuckle down eventually.

Sounds like me at uni (minus the drugs and unprotected sex) - I’d been controlled so much at home and never was allowed out to make my own mistakes that I didn’t know my own mind! It’s only when I went to uni I went on a period of discovery! Sounds like she needs to find herself. All you can do as a parent is tell her the concerns you have but also point out the dangers she is putting herself at risk of!

In my day uni was a fairly safe environment to experiment but with social media, drink spiking, drugs being more accessible and younger generation drinking so much more …

I failed my exams first year so that helped me focus as I loved uni!

I think if she is autistic then she may be a bit young for her age as well and vulnerable. I would try and gently signpost her to the university services which can help her. Is there are parent groups you are a member of for the university who might be able to suggest something? Let her know that you have her back whatever. I'd try and have a talk with her one to one - in the car is often easier, something about being side by side.

@Koukla Are you rural ? {Much easier for a parent control where a younger teenager goes when they are growing up if they are reliant on lifts everywhere.

DS {adult} thinks that kids who had more protected childhoods can go absolutely off the rails when suddenly given freedom in a City at 18.

DS said his rural living friends were ''a nightmare'' compared to the City teens who had been used to going out much more independently from a far younger age, on buses, tubes and walking home, so it didn't seem so novel to them when the ties of home were loosened.

Re drinking, could it be drinking to cover up to cope?

It's strange that she got so ''rat arsed'' in front of Family.

Trying to ''shock'' you?

Or a long walk - Again, not eye to eye, but not ''trapped'' like a teen can feel in a vehicle.

I don't think university is the correct environment for her to be honest. While the first few months at university are usually raucous and the kids don't do much work, I would imagine that as an autistic, she's missing the structure of school/college education. University education lacks any sort of structure compared to GCSE and A-Level, and if she's lazy, as you say she is, then this is going to be a large cause of her behaviour.

It may pass. Students tend to knuckle down a bit more from January onwards. Keep an eye on her. If she continues down her current path, you and her will have decisions to make.

Re the autism, I'm autistic although I wasn't diagnosed until many years after graduating.

During my assessment, I realised how much I changed my appearance and behaviour at various points in my life in order to try and fit in.

On my first night at uni, I went straight to the student union bar because I thought that was what students did. Later, I found out that the other girls on my floor had just gone into the kitchen and started chatting to each other.

I made friends with the indie/goth students and changed my hair and clothes so much that my own mum didn't recognise me when she came to pick me up at Christmas.

I didn't drink before going to Uni, not because my parents were strict or conservative but because I wasn't interested.

Op, I wouldn't let a pp's comments about your daughter's behaviour being a sign of bullying or trauma worry you too much. It's not necessarily the case.

I drank to fit in and to give me a bit of Dutch courage to socialise. I was promiscuous, not for any deep reason, but because I couldn't handle my drink and drunk people make stupid decisions.

I settled down and things worked out well for me. Keep talking to your dd; let her know that you love her and will always be there for her; give her advice about the dangers of excessive drinking and of unprotected sex but in a low key, non judgemental way.

PS I'm now a Mum of a dd at uni so understand the worries of wanting to protect our children no matter how old they are.

I was similar at Uni and it’s probably because she’s gone from being an absolute boring nobody at school, who just worked hard all the time to get good grades and never got invited to parties or had attention from boys and probably felt a little sad about it.

At uni she’s been able to reinvent herself and obviously now has male attention, so she’s forgotten her studies in favour of her other desires in life. You need to talk to her without judgement, remind her of her worth and help her with her studying as she is likely feeling overwhelmed and behind.

I'd take matters into my own hands. Make her a GP appointment and get her on the pill or ideally the coil. Contact the university disability service and see about getting her support with her studies, mental health etc. Speak to her accomodation team and get them to do welfare checks. I'd speak to everyone I can. if she didn't like it - tough. If she wants to be treated like an adult, she should behave like an adult. Your DD sounds vulnerable and therefore you need to step in.

Well the first term can be pretty wild all my DC's admitted, but they did get practice in at home via parties beforehand.

@Koukla how is she funding this lifestyle?

'She was diagnosed Autistic ( so highly academic but no social awareness/ emotional awareness) and I think because of that my husband and I might have tried to protective her more than normal.'

I'd hold onto her for a bit longer. She might be adult in age but I don't think she's mature enough yet to handle all this by herself and as you said the mistakes can be life-changing/ dangerous.
I'd ask her to take a year away from her studies, stay at home and may be start with a part time job. Or study from home for one year etc if possible.
You sound like a great parent and I think she needs still a lot of what you've been doing in way of protecting her.

I was exactly the same and my Mum reacted the exact same way and we ended up hating each other for years. My brother, on the other hand, was worse than I was but didn't have a habit of blurting things out, so he maintained his golden boy image until he left uni and promptly went low contact with my parents. Either way, if you get OTT about trying to stop an adult living their life (even if it is a bit off the rails) you'll make it worse, for her and yourself.

A lot of people will let their hair down and party at uni but this seems quite extreme. Given her history of attempted suicide and obsessional behaviour, I'd see it as a form of self harm, or self sabotage, at least. You need to be careful not to criticise her behaviour, but see if she can open up to you or another family member. If she's not happy at uni, then you can discuss other possible options, including delaying uni, working, another course, maybe locally etc. I expect she already knows the possible consequences of her behaviours so pointing them out and nagging won't help with that. Make sure she sees you as being totally on her side.

My Mum did something similar. I cut her off for 3 months and no-one took her seriously. She doesn't "want to be treated" like an adult, she IS an adult, and trying to infantilise her will NOT go well.

She obviously has wider difficulties and is finding the transition to living independently hard.

I do think she should not be telling her younger sibling everything. That’s not fair on him to carry that burden and worry about her etc.

I went a bit wild at uni - drinking too much, smoking way too much weed, not studying enough and taking silly risks. My parents didn't know though (or I didn't tell them, I should say). I still got a 2:1 and had fun.

I remember going to visit my friend at Cambridge and my God, they took drinking and promiscuity to another level. I think a lot of them had been sheltered and geeky and were under a lot of academic pressure so just went crazy socially.

This is quite common to those that led cloistered lives at school. It’s no bad thing to get some partying done pre university when your parents are around to support you. A friends Dd was commenting on some being like this in her halls she “did all that when I was 17” and is now quite sensible. Not much you can actually do though.

She'll settle down in term two, not least as she'll have to do some hard work.

Another chat about safe sex/ contraception/ self respect won't go amiss if her behaviour is that out there. Don't nag - she has to learn for herself.

I was like this my first year of uni - blowing off the steam after years of the pressure of being an A* student who never dared do anything to worry my parents. I came out the other side just fine, with a good degree.

Your update about your daughter's previous suicide attempt and isolation, her lack of life skills, autism, and getting drunk in front of family on Christmas changes my view on the situation.

I think she is feeling overwhelmed and doesn't know what to do. Getting so drunk at home was perhaps her way of telling you it isn't going well for her. Possibly the extreme behaviour at uni is an unconscious attempt to get kicked out and have to come home to where she has been safe and supported.

Perhaps it would be worth just mentioning to your daughter that she doesn't HAVE to stay at uni just because she started. Lots of people change. The path to adulthood is not always smooth. Maybe there is a university within commuting distance which would suit her better, or possibly she'd like to come home and get a job for a while? Does she know she can come home and there would be no shame attached to that? You or other adult friends and relatives might mention the mistakes they made when young, and the changes of life plans; it probably looks to her that everyone else has their act together and she's the only one struggling.

DD started Uni last September and it sounds like there are quite a few DC that go nuts in the first term or so.
Luckily DD is horrified rather than anything else but it sounds like its pretty common and most of them calm down after a bit

OP, you sound like a lovely parent and I agree with @cariadlet’s post. I don’t think you should think this is necessarily a sign of something sinister. I remember being quite wild in the first term at uni and I had had a lot of freedom growing up. I think it was a phase of breaking away that was just something I felt compelled to do.
My mother always said that the hardest part of being a parent is knowing that children only ever really learn from their own mistakes. I think you need to be there for her and continue to provide the love and support that you have. Try to keep communication open.
I do really sympathise. I have had some worrying times with my DC along the way and it’s hard being the one with the brain that can foresee all the consequences!

@Hoppinggreen who cares other than you if your daughter is horrified what a stupid comment to make.

I was a very drunken student -and drank at every opportunity as an adult (without getting pissed). Turns out I have adhd and alcohol is a dopamine hit. So I looooove it, also smoked cigarettes. I was actually socially anxious before that was a thing. So more drinking. Any signs of adhd or similar with your daughter?