Uni has completely changed my daughter

[Koukla]

My daughter started uni 3 months ago and she came home for Christmas, I’m just completely shocked by her behaviour and irresponsibility. Drinking , passing out, unprotected sex ( and not on the pill) not attending any lectures, there’s probably drugs too but I have no clue. She’s always been so well behaved, I drummed in the sex talk , she never drank before uni, she’s an A* student, I just feel like I’ve completely failed as a parent. She doesn’t seem bothered by any of the consequences of anything at the moment. It’s impossible to speak to her about any of this as she’s become quite rude and defensive. She’s an adult I know , so do I just let her learn from mistakes? but those mistakes can be life changing, pregnancy, sexual assault. Where’s the line between alcohol addiction and, drug abuse. Am I overthinking this and just being irrational?! I’ve barely slept or eaten over the Christmas hols finding out all of this, I’m so worried.

I would make her go to your GP - this is depression. This is not normal behaviour, especially with unprotected sex and incurable diseases she can pick up from it. It looks as if she has a death wish - urgently send her to your GP. Maybe antidepressants?

A few PPs are saying you should take control, remove her from uni, put her on the pill etc but the fact is that she is a young adult now and, even if she needs a bit more support, she needs to make her own choices.

Can you or DH take her out for lunch or coffee and try to really speak to her in a neutral space and get a sense of what she wants and how she thinks she is doing? She may be struggling but not really recognizing this as everything is so new and she has no routine. She needs to know you have her back and if she admits that she is struggling you could try to figure out a plan together. She may not really want to talk but knowing you are there and supportive is an important first step.

At home you can start a rota for cooking, food shopping, laundry etc so she gets some practical skills before going back.

She was diagnosed Autistic ( so highly academic but no social awareness/ emotional awareness)

Talk about a dripfeed!

She'll be a few years behind her peers emotionally. Imagine what a fifteen-year-old would get up to if dropped into university life, with direct access to money and no parental oversight. She's likely to mimic the drinking behaviour she sees as part of masking. She also will lack boundaries and not know how to skillfully enforce any boundaries that she has, making her a prime target for rapists and other sexual predators. Realistically, for autistic women and girls, sexual assault is a "when" not an "if" and you need to view your DD's behavioural changes through that lens.

I remember my first term at Uni - we all went a bit wild unleashed from home! There was quite a bit of drinking and one night stands. BUT second term there will be exams looming and so we had to knuckle down and get on with some work. I also remember being pulled up by my DF about my appalling behaviour towards my DPs when I came home that first Xmas! There was quite an adjustment of our ongoing relationship that Xmas. I felt like an adult being treated like a child so behaved like an arse. They had to adjust to another adult back home with them. Ground rules got stretched!

Do have a calm non judgmental chat with her about the unprotected sex etc and how overall she's felt Uni's gone so far. Is she trying to keep up with wilder new friends or struggling to find her feet in new surroundings? Does she like her course/friends? Can she book an appointment now with her GP to get contraception sorted when she goes back?

Yeah. I taught HE for 30 years, and it was the ones from quite strict homes that went off the rails for a bit. Most of them found their way back.

She does need to attend lectures though, or she will flunk out. It is a lot of money going to waste if she does not avail herself of the education she is paying for.

Oooh there are options.
For a start I'd register my feelings about this, I'd tell her that I wasn't a saint at uni but she needs to take basic precautions about her safety.
Talk to her about what her future will look like if she gets that degree, against what it will look like if she gets kicked out/becomes a parent now, or ends up an addict.
Then, if her behaviour continues I would stop funding her lifestyle.

I was a bit like this in my first year of uni and ended up getting kicked out at the end of my first year although I managed to appeal and then buckled down. However, I did not announce it all to family at Christmas and I feel this is a cry for help as if she was enjoying her lifestyle at uni there's no way she would be telling you anything.

If she's going to have unprotected sex she needs to go on the pill asap. I decided this for myself in my first year of uni. You can't stop the drinking and the partying but you can try and chat calmly to her about getting kicked off her course if she doesn't go to lectures. Maybe if she talks more openly to her brother he might be able to talk some sense into her if she's not listening to you. I think you will have to tackle one or two things at a time (I would say unprotected sex and lectures are the priority) rather than going in hard with the disapproval and disappointment otherwise you run the risk of alienating her.

Yes cut off financial support.

Now saw the bit about autism...well, she might be a bit overwhelmed, and hopefully her personal tutor is aware. I think though if she is academically inclined, she'll find her way back. If she doesn't know about contraception and consent, now is the time to figure that out. She may grow up via the trial by fire...you can't protect your kids endlessly. She also may be having her teenaged rebellion now.

The first term is overwhelming even if not autistic. Constant socialising. Worry about missing out. Information overload even the emails and course info can be hard to manage. Will she get contraception if you help organise appointments - my DS has medical condition and I still have to support with this or he doesn’t bother. There can be wait lists for long term contraception. Print off advice on emergency contraception / STI’s. Did she register with uni medical services? Not using condoms and drinking too much could be not feeling confident to stick to her own boundaries or in social situations. You can discuss strategies eg alternating drinks, carrying condoms, eating before a big night out. Switching to non alcoholic drinks when out (no one notices when they’ve had a few). Tactically pouring drinks away when no one is looking if don’t feel can refuse. Knowing about spiking. Sticking with a group. Encourage join clubs based on interests so develop a core friendship group not based around drinking and partying. Think about an Uber account you pay for so always has a safe way home if think she won’t abuse it. A smartwatch or Alexa device set up with reminders can help organise the academic and life skills. Is she happy at uni (I think it’s not unusual not to enjoy your first term and not to find your tribe until later in year). Be honest with her uni can be fun but unsafe. It can be lonely and they need strategies for when it’s not easy. There is help via DSA or PIP or counselling. Many unis will have specific support for autistic students. Ask what do you struggle with and how can I help. I know autistic students who have self neglected or masked to the point of mental health crisis. Would she like you to visit more, help with email overload / organisation, help with medical. Is she happy in her accommodation (DS was in a party flat and found that hard). I agree you can’t force it but offer non judgmental help. I’m sure there are also books on being an autistic woman at uni. I don’t think it’s that an unusual an experience especially for someone who wasn’t already streetwise. Things probably will settle down in second term. I’m sure she will be anxious if she’s behind with work. Reassure her that if this is the case it’s early days and fixable. You know her best and she could be developmentally younger and overwhelmed and not have the social skills or confidence to deal with new situations.

that's right. A too heavy hand...cutting her off financially, pulling her out of uni, doubling down is going to have the opposite effect you want. OP, she didn't rebel much as a teen it sounds like, and she's a bit emotionally immature, and the autism is also at play. She has to go off the rails a little bit, or she won't find out who she is. All you can do is try to mitigate some of the worst effects...addiction, flunking out, an unplanned preganancy....by keeping the lines of communication open.

The first term they've loads of money. So they go wild. Now if the bank of mum and dad feed this lifestyle after that it's not good. Our three got X amount into their account every Monday for food students don't party at the beginning of the week. So chances are they'll eat, use the laundry.

Don't give them money as and when they shout for it. Send them back with pasta rice, etc. you can deliver an online shop.

Let them learn.

Have you sat down with her and listen to what she has to say about the things she is doing and why she is doing them?

Try listening rather than lecturing, this might, with some well placed questions make her think about what she is doing and the consequences

If she’s had quite a sheltered life and not really let her hair down pre-uni, she’s probably taking her new found freedom and running with it. I’m sure she’ll calm down, but I’d probably be more worried about the potential for an unwanted pregnancy. Maybe talk to her about something like the coil or implant so she doesn’t have to remember to take a pill everyday.

This!

Tell her shagging random men does not mean people like her, on the contrary she will get a name for being a slag.
She embarrassed herself in front of of family at Xmas. So must be making a total fool of herself in Uni.
She should be enjoying herself, but she also SHOULD be doing her work
If you are financing this then it has to stop.
Also I would definitely remind her that if she fails her year, there will be no retake. She is more than able to pass, so not doing the work is deliberate.
What was the point working so hard for her GCSEs if she then throws it all away?

in terms of how we know what’s going on, firstly she got absolutely drunk on Christmas Day in front of all the family and blurted out a lot of her activities, behaved pretty disgracefully in front of grandparents. But I also found out she tells her younger brother everything, every single detail 🙈 bless him he’s not broken her trust at all, despite the worrying details.

Is it possible she's talking shite?

Drug taking was nightmare for my children at uni, not their taking them, their flatmates.
Security had to keep watch on one of their flats, as one of the students was dealing. The Uni wouldn’t throw him out.
People need to be aware.
It can be very difficult if you are unlucky enough not to share with decent people.

Funnily enough he ( handsome drug dealer boy) was the richest one in the flat and on arrival day, his beautifully dressed actually beautiful, ill mannered mother was the one who everyone commented on as being really rude 🤣

She wouldn’t deign to speak to any other parent, and yet her son, deserved to be in prison, and hopefully is now

I’m not sure if this is helpful but I was like this for 3 out of my 4 years at uni and I’ve turned out alright. It was because I actually didn’t want to go to uni in the first place and was having a really miserable time.

OP you mentioned your son never 'broke her trust' 'bless him' by not telling you her secrets. I definitely wouldn't support this. If your daughter was putting her life in danger he should absolutely break her trust. I'd make it clear to them both that when it comes to serious issues likes drugs or sexual abuse the family would never tolerate secrets.

My sympathies OP. I think @cariadlet has given you the best insights and advice so far.

From what you've said there's a chance DD will fail the year or will need to drop out and if she does then hopefully she'll be able to retake the year when she's ready - there is often more flexibility for students with disabilities.

Has DD been in touch at all with the university's disability services, is she getting any support? You could contact them yourself, explain your concerns and ask them to reach out to DD though they may not be able to share information with you. I'm an academic personal tutor and also parent of an ex-student (now graduated) with autism. In my experience the personal tutor will be less help than going directly to the disability / student support / pastoral service, though just to complicate matters every university organises things a bit differently.

Your DD is taking a lot of risks and she probably doesn't "get" how her own behaviour may be coming across to other students. I would focus on DD's ability to maintain her personal safety and if possible see that she has some kind of support network in place at university. Academic achievement can take a back seat for now.

You may be able to point out to DD some of the risks and what to do about them, in a kind of neutral "here are things that other students' parents might not have told them" sort of way to avoid putting her back up. But it's tricky.

Nothing like a bit of casual misogyny and humiliation to bring a family closer together. On the upside, this kind of talk will definitely reduce the likelihood of her getting drunk at home again, because she won't come home again.

How do you know all these details?

Ignore this, apologies, I didn't see your update.