Uni has completely changed my daughter

[Koukla]

My daughter started uni 3 months ago and she came home for Christmas, I’m just completely shocked by her behaviour and irresponsibility. Drinking , passing out, unprotected sex ( and not on the pill) not attending any lectures, there’s probably drugs too but I have no clue. She’s always been so well behaved, I drummed in the sex talk , she never drank before uni, she’s an A* student, I just feel like I’ve completely failed as a parent. She doesn’t seem bothered by any of the consequences of anything at the moment. It’s impossible to speak to her about any of this as she’s become quite rude and defensive. She’s an adult I know , so do I just let her learn from mistakes? but those mistakes can be life changing, pregnancy, sexual assault. Where’s the line between alcohol addiction and, drug abuse. Am I overthinking this and just being irrational?! I’ve barely slept or eaten over the Christmas hols finding out all of this, I’m so worried.

so do I just let her learn from mistakes?

What other option do you have?

Just be there for her .. so hard for you though to see her like this but she will settle down i think

It sounds like she's let her hair down in a big way. You've told her straight what the consequences might be. It's up to her to either decide that she's gotten it out of her system and she'll shape up, or not.

Edited to add that you can choose not to bankroll her if you're giving her an allowance on top of any maintenance loan she's getting.

It’s time for your daughter to learn and try things for herself, I mean it does sound a bit reckless but it also sounds like she’s trying to find what she wants to do with herself.

Leaving home means you don’t have the constraints of a parent telling you what to do and uni means you don’t have the constraints of a teacher guiding your learning.

are you close enough with her to just talk to her, see how she’s feeling? What she wants to do with uni?

Oh OP I really feel for you. I have a DS who has just started uni and I can't imagine how I'd feel if he was behaving in a similar way. I guess you try to have a couple of heart to hearts with her, let her know that you are worried, but make it clear that you love her and trust her. Hopefully she is having a wild first term, enjoying her freedom and will settle down soon.

Oh, poor you! This is quite the worst nightmare materialised!
It is just such a massive change in their life. And they are surrounded by so much alcohol and craziness. With all the freshers parties.
Hold her hand. Have the protected sex talk again. A talk about her targets in life. She needs to control her drinking, so she can attend the lectures and pursue her dreams. I think, in her case, she may need to opt for zero drinking. Any of her old friends at that uni? She will make other friends, with better attitudes if she goes to the lectures.
Do you think sge needs AA help to stop the drinking?

This was very common when I was at uni - especially among those who hadn’t had as much freedom to let their hair down.

It’s only been a few months. She needs to find her own way now.

How do you know? Has she told you? Has she maybe maybe exaggerated a couple of stories to sound cool? I’m wondering exactly the extent to what’s going on.

You were the person keeping her in check.

She's had some freedom from home and has fallen off the wagon a bit. Did she have a rebellious phase when she was younger? My DD is going to uni next year and I fully expect a change, because she hasn't really rebelled living with me.

You have to remember our kids are given adult responsibilities and ultimate freedom to make adult decisions at uni. It's a lot to cope with. Also, teenagers lack foresight and do stupid shit. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I will have sleepless nights too, no doubt, but I am training her to be safe and trying to let go. It's tough.

Out of interest before uni were you checking up on her a lot, helping with revision, cooking all her meals, doing her washing, ensuring homework was completed etc?

As for now, have you tried talking to her, maybe on a drive or walk somewhere? Literally asking if she is happy because you don't feel she is? If she's not going to lectures my guess is she won't be in uni for long anyway. But why isn't she going to lectures? Too hard, too anxious, no longer at the 'top of the class' and knocking her confidence? All of her behaviours sound very unusual for her. I would be very worried as well.

Nothing you can do but let it run its course.
I was similar- a result of being suddenly free from all of my mums ‘old-fashioned’ rules and curfews.
I have my own teenagers now, I dropped my rules in stages for DS to give him the chance to make mistakes while he was still at home, he is back for his first uni holidays and seems to be coping well.
I shall try and do similar with DD (15) but convincing her dad that she is growing up might be more of a challenge.
Edit to Add : I include the unprotected sex in the things I did, yes I did fall pregnant, yes I did have an abortion, no my mum didn’t know a thing about it. I didn’t catch any diseases though.

this would terrify me too.

was she at a very pressurised school?

maybe she’s feeling free and is letting all the stress out.

i wouldn’t panic yet, as maybe she needs to get it out of her system and will revert back to her old self soon.

would have a serious talk about unprotected sex though.

Were you quite strict with her or was the conscientiousness coming from herself? I have seen with a few of DDs friends the ones with the more restrictive parents have gone a bit wild starting uni due to the new level of freedom but they have mostly calmed down eventually.

I don't know how you know all this stuff, OP - was she stupid enough to tell you? You can't and shouldn't do anything about it because, like all of us, your daughter has to work it out for herself.
However, if you are funding her and think she is wasting your money, then you can reduce or completely cut her funds.

Drinking to the point you pass out isn’t uncommon when you are first learning about alcohol, especially when you’re in a new place with new people.

Has she made good friends? The sort who will look after the one who has got the amount of booze wrong, will hold their hair out of the way whilst they’re throwing up, and do their best to get them somewhere safe for the night?

Why did she tell you all this, do you think? Just describing what’s going on? Or deliberately showing you that there’s been a break with the old her? Whatever the reason, it’s good that she’s communicating with you.

You can’t stop her from doing what she wants during the times she’s not living with you - always worth reminding on the safer sex messages though. Does she know where she can get MAP and sti checks?

I think they can go a little wild in the first term. Mine was already on that pathway and seems committed to it, although not quite so much as yours and is doing work. If you object, you'll be wrong so yep, as a PP has said, just be there for her. And maybe gently suggest she works on keeping herself safe.

Mainly, you listen.

I would tell her that I am worried for her health - and that would really be my only input. Ask if she would like you to make an appointment for her at the sexual health clinic? She can go alone and discuss birth control, protection, testing. Her uni should have this. Adults need to take control of their own health, and a little help down this road might be welcome.

Not attending lectures: let her fail, or turn it around, as she sees fit.

Does she have exams coming up after the Christmas break? If she does badly that might be a wake up call?

I went off the rails a bit after I left school, having been a straight A, quite square student. Got into raves and all that entailed (in the 90s). It was a phase that lasted a few years, but after the first few months I reined it in. I got a good degree.

I think you have to treat her like an adult (which she is) and try to avoid anything she might perceive as lecturing. If you think she's doing drugs, talk to her about which ones and how to stay as safe as she can. Hopefully the novelty will wear off.

What were your uni days like OP?

It sounds like she has been quite restricted as a teen where she had to play her impulses and desires down and now she's finally got the chance to breathe and let her hair down. That's why I felt it was always important to let my dc do the parties with drinking at 16/17 then hit the nightclubs at 18, because at least I was around those years of them getting drunk to make sure they were ok, so when they hit uni they knew their limits on how much they can handle.

My advice? Just let her be. Do not show disappointment because then she will pull away further, listen to her stories. Uni and early 20s is the time to make these memories. Let her enjoy

Well the fact she’s telling you all this is a good sign that she’s open with you (my son who’s also just started uni wouldn’t be revealing his sex life to me).

It is a worry, as there’s so much stuff going on (booze, drugs, parties etc) that are not constantly there for the taking when they were at home.

I’ve given my son advice etc but what can you realistically do 🤷‍♀️

Hi OP - I work in a University. The main issue right now is not going to lectures. She sounds overwhelmed. Lots of very bright kids come from being the best in their class to completely average at University. However, if she doesn't go, they will take action and she will eventually be kicked out, although they really don't want to do that so there are lots of steps before that. If she won't talk to you, is there anyone else she might open up to? The University should be able to offer her counselling or other assistance but she will have to ask for it. Drugs, drinking and sex are within the realms of normality for students, but the speed of the change is worrying and I think she needs help.

The fact you know all this means presumably she has told you? If she has that's a good thing so keep the lines of communication open.

I worked in the uni bar when I first went to uni - I watched the kids who felt constrained in high school go nuts when they were out of the family home. I resolved to avoid this by saying to my teens it was better for them to try alchol when they were still at home so they could learn their limits ie they need to eat before they go out, how much is too much, what drinks affect them differently etc.

It's not too late - tell her most kids are finding their feet in first year, going out to parties and making friends is encouraged and most unis don't count first year grades towards their final grades so now is the time! BUT balance this with drawing a hard line under unsafe practices like unprotected sex be careful with putting herself in vunerable positions etc.

I was very similar - it was definitely a reaction to my parents being too controlling and trying to shame me into 'behaving' - which just gave me no self-esteem or sense of self-control. Your way of letting go in stages and giving your trust seems much better, @ByHeartyCyanMentor ...

I went wild and was secretive about it - at least you know what she's up to OP. With time she might outgrow it, but keep the communication open and try to treat her like the adult you hope she will become. I know it must be distressing for you. 🤗

What can you do?

Pressure her into getting some form of long term contraception (coil, injection, implant).
Cut off her financial support. If she wants to drink and take drugs she can get a job to fund it.