Uni has completely changed my daughter

[Koukla]

My daughter started uni 3 months ago and she came home for Christmas, I’m just completely shocked by her behaviour and irresponsibility. Drinking , passing out, unprotected sex ( and not on the pill) not attending any lectures, there’s probably drugs too but I have no clue. She’s always been so well behaved, I drummed in the sex talk , she never drank before uni, she’s an A* student, I just feel like I’ve completely failed as a parent. She doesn’t seem bothered by any of the consequences of anything at the moment. It’s impossible to speak to her about any of this as she’s become quite rude and defensive. She’s an adult I know , so do I just let her learn from mistakes? but those mistakes can be life changing, pregnancy, sexual assault. Where’s the line between alcohol addiction and, drug abuse. Am I overthinking this and just being irrational?! I’ve barely slept or eaten over the Christmas hols finding out all of this, I’m so worried.

As far as the not attending lectures goes, ds says at his uni they’re all online anyway, so you can catch up if you miss any, and they don’t take a register. Maybe more importantly does she go to tutorials/seminars and actually do the work - essays, etc? If she is getting ok marks for written work and passing any exams, I wouldn’t worry too much. Often the 1st year is just about passing the course, rather than it counting towards the final degree mark. Lots of students have a wild first year, but manage to pass, and then knuckle down for the crucial 2nd and 3rd years. Hope it all works out well.

Sounds like me 40 years ago. I was a quiet, swotty kid who didn't drink before going to uni and went a bit off the rails because I didn't know how to handle my drink.

I did some stupid stuff (which I at least had the sense not to tell my parents) but settled down, got a decent degree and everything worked out fine.

This was me after being highly anxious throughout my teen years, I got to uni and finally felt like I could enjoy myself. I definitely calmed down once I realised I was going to fail my exams if I didn’t make an effort. I look back now (I’m 34) at my behaviour and cringe but it really was just immaturity. Everything has worked out okay though! She will probably get a wake up call when it gets to exams.

Unfortunately there’s not a lot you can do as alcohol, drugs and hook up culture are so normalised among teens, especially once they’re away. Hopefully she’ll grow out of it soon. I’d stress over and over the importance of some form of contraception though.

It won’t prevent STDs but the last thing she needs is to deal with an unwanted pregnancy.

I did this when I went to uni, mainly the alcohol - I went out almost every night and drank until I passed out. God knows how I'm still alive really. Mine was caused by my controlling mother. She was the type who, for example, if I wanted to stop music lessons, would say "Of course you don't want to stop, you love your music lessons". I'd try to say "no, I don't", but she just ignored my thoughts and feelings, always assumed I must like & dislike the same things as her. She wasn't controlling in other ways, didn't care if I worked hard at school for example (probably because she hated all academic work), but all through my childhood I felt like I couldn't ever allow my own personality to blossom.

I'm fine now though, got a good degree, Ph.D., earn good money in tech. I got bored of the drinking and party lifestyle when I started my Ph.D.

Hope she's using condoms

I would sit her down and have a stern talk with her. Yes of course students often go crazy in their first term, away from parents and rules, but she needs to be aware of possible consequences. If she fails the year and drops out, she will have to pay back her student loan. Does she realise this? Ask her if she has a plan for when she gets pregnant. Because if she’s having regular unprotected sex, it’s not a case of “if”. I would also say that I have no desire to bankroll her excessive drinking and possible drug taking if she’s not even attending lectures, so any parental funding will stop if things don’t change.

MN will tell you that 18 year olds are adults and that us parents have no right to impose any rules, but it’s simply not true. And university is basically an extension of childhood. They’re playing at being independent adults, but they’re basically still kids with lectures to go to, assignments to complete, relying on parents and loans for money etc.

If she wants a life of unquestioned unchallenged pissing around, she can quit uni, get a job, and see how far her money gets her!

How much freedom did she have to make mistakes and learn when she was younger? Was her behaviour fuelled by her own ambition/dreams or you?

Have you sat down with her calmly, with no judgement , to just tell her you love her , that you're worried and ask if there's anything going on? Is everything ok, is she ok? Did anything happen?

Most people wouldn’t tell their parents about this…

How do you know this OP? I've got a DD of a similar age and despite having a very good relationship with her we do not discuss her sex life any more that she asks about mine.

This was very common when I was at uni - especially among those who hadn’t had as much freedom to let their hair down.

Yep, you could always tell the ones that had never been allowed to drink or do much before - they were the ones puking all over the student union bar at 1pm. Always Freshers though, people generally settle down unless they're the odd one with a real problem with drink/drugs.

This. It was always the ones who had been good students, never drank before and came from controlling or conservative homes.
I think all you can do is back off while obviously letting her know she can still come to you with any problems. She's being irresponsible for sure but she is also an adult and at some point you do need to let her figure things out by herself.

Is she telling you this or is she behaving the same now she is back home?

I would be concerned and worried about where it was going to end. I would definitely be having a word with her about it.

I have a young adult dd and I do express my concerns especially re drugs. She plays it down and probably doesn’t take any notice but it makes me feel better. In my dd’s case she is better as in more settled now she has a boyfriend.

Is your dd mixing with people who are acting the same? I find my dd is very influenced by others and wants to be seen to fit in.

Tell her one last time what the consequences could potentially be, say it straight, don’t be angry and don’t make too long a speech out if it.

Then leave her too it, hopefully she’ll calm down soon. Just be there for her if the consequences are bad.

Technically by the letter of the law she is an adult but fundamentally she is not!

Do some practical things to help her minimize her risk.

Ask her if she would like a STI test kit and buy one privately in the post. She can do it at home.

Don’t shame her and give her a symbolic ball and chain which she will forever use to castigate her future self.

Keep lines of communication open!

I’ve worked with Uni students and believe me what you are describing is very common and yes it is also those that are perceived to be the least likely to engage in this behavior that actually do.

How do you know this stuff though? If she is telling you, try and work out why. It sounds like she is trying to shock you and say "up yours" to rules and standards you previously enforced. Be honest with yourself, were you very restrictive?

My parents were very strict/moral and i did rebel (though largely they weren't aware what i got up to) and I think i would have been less wild/extreme if they had more age appropriate rules in the first place.

My brother was like this, he went from being a studious, well behaved young man to a complete idiot in his first term at univ.
He was like that all year then something changed and he was back to normal in his 2nd year and thereafter.
I worked in academia for many years and every year we saw a good few of the freshers go from being polite, sensible young people to arrogant, brash nightmares. They all reverted to normal eventually, probably when they realised what was at stake. I think it's the headrest of being away from home and thinking they can do as they like. The novelty wears off.

I was thinking this.

Pretty sure my DD did very similar in her first year at university but the specifics of it remain a mystery to me (thank goodness).

OP, how do you know any of this?
has she told you or have you been stalking her socials to find things out?
it very much sounds as if she's revelling in new found freedom away from parent restrictions. Could she have told you these things to get a reaction from you?

my ds has been making the most of activities (were from a small town - nil to do here compared to uni) but he's still sensible with alcohol and sending me photos of nights out to show me what fun he's having (compared to here 🙄) he does have to register in class via QR code so the uni knows if he's missed sessions but can do them online, and he's been getting good marks so I can't tell him too much to reign the fun in as he's coping with it all.

How do you know all these details of what she is and isn’t doing?

Of course it's changed her - it's what it's for.

We can't tell from just a post or two here, but was she wrapped in cotton wool, monitored, a bit sheltered in her childhood and earlier teens?

This is a rite of passage. She's tasting everything on the first steps to independence.

You have to let her out of the nest. Repeat your advice, make sure she understands safe behaviour, then accept she will make her own choices and decisions.

She will have opinions, points of view, norms that aren't yours.

It may be wise to consider how you'll take it and what your plan will be should the worst, whatever it may be, happen. Touch wood.

I’m wondering if she might be overwhelmed at uni. It sounds like she’s very bright and is likely somewhere where all the students are also high achieving in terms of grades etc. and this can lead bizarrely to feelings of imposter syndrome and not being good enough. So some of how she’s behaving might be a way of dealing with those feelings and kind of signing out.
Others are exhausted because they worked so hard at school and don’t know who they are any more. Some are just enjoying the freedom and making their own choices, including bad ones. Anyway, just some thoughts to consider so you can rule things out. Best wishes x

I went from being one of the top performers at school, considered for Oxbridge, bla bla, but failed the entrance exam, got into a good redbrick and became ... average. That can be a shock. Might this be happening here?

And please don't withdraw any financial support to show disapproval.

Imagine what she might get drawn into, to make what she might think is easy money.