Uni has completely changed my daughter

[Koukla]

My daughter started uni 3 months ago and she came home for Christmas, I’m just completely shocked by her behaviour and irresponsibility. Drinking , passing out, unprotected sex ( and not on the pill) not attending any lectures, there’s probably drugs too but I have no clue. She’s always been so well behaved, I drummed in the sex talk , she never drank before uni, she’s an A* student, I just feel like I’ve completely failed as a parent. She doesn’t seem bothered by any of the consequences of anything at the moment. It’s impossible to speak to her about any of this as she’s become quite rude and defensive. She’s an adult I know , so do I just let her learn from mistakes? but those mistakes can be life changing, pregnancy, sexual assault. Where’s the line between alcohol addiction and, drug abuse. Am I overthinking this and just being irrational?! I’ve barely slept or eaten over the Christmas hols finding out all of this, I’m so worried.

Wow so many replies, thanks so much ❤️ she didn’t have a controlling childhood ( as far as I’m aware) but she had lots of issues growing up (really hard to go into this but at one point she made an attempt on her life) , as a high achiever she was so focussed on studying she didn’t leave her room for 4 years during GCSEs and Alevels ( then previous to that we had lockdown for Covid where the kids didn’t leave the house for 2 years) She was diagnosed Autistic ( so highly academic but no social awareness/ emotional awareness) and I think because of that my husband and I might have tried to protective her more than normal. She’s very unpractical, lazy but anything to do with maths, puzzles, philosophy she will spend hours on it, so I think we let her get away with a lot - like doing her washing, cooking meals etc because we felt she just couldn’t do it. But now in hindsight we probably should have pushed her to be more independent and no judgement.

in terms of how we know what’s going on, firstly she got absolutely drunk on Christmas Day in front of all the family and blurted out a lot of her activities, behaved pretty disgracefully in front of grandparents. But I also found out she tells her younger brother everything, every single detail 🙈 bless him he’s not broken her trust at all, despite the worrying details.

Is she open to talking about it with you or is she still in the “this is absolutely fine and normal” phase?

If she’s defensive I wouldn’t push it too much as it might just prompt her to amp it up.

Are you funding this?

I'd change that for a start. Uni is expensive so if she's going to piss it up the wall she can get a job for the evenings and weekends to fund it herself.
That might change her priorities a bit.

This happened to my friend. She did four levels, during which time her mum helped her work out a beautiful colour coded weekly study schedule that lasted from 8am to 9pm almost every each evening.

She never came to parties or events or anything that wasn’t study related. I’m not sure if the ambition was hers or her mums at the core. She got great grades at A level then totally went off the rails at uni.

I think the alevel pressure got to her and she just let everything go once away from home. She’d never drunk really so didn’t know her limits and was very promiscuous where she’d never really had a relationship.

Ended up dropping out of her course as she’d missed so much and went on a gap year. That really helped her take some time out. She went back to uni following year on a different course and did really well.

No advice really op, it happens. Did she focus on her studies a lot at alevel? Did she miss some boundary testing? Not sure if Covid may have also meant she missed parts out socialisation wise?

Okay so suicidal thoughts have touched her life. This complicates things.

The scenario you describe at the Christmas dinner table comes across as self loathing and her just wanting to get it all out.

She may need more help. Is she open to counseling at Uni?

It sounds like to some extent she just needs to get it out of her system, but could do with some help setting guardrails so she does it in a safer way.

Let her know that you are there for her, that you accept her growing up and her behaviour changing, but that you have some safety concerns. Remind her of the support resources available to her at uni and make sure she has easy ways to contact them (eg number programmed into phone).

Her just knowing that you know, you love her, you’re not rejecting her, but you are concerned about the extremes … that alone can help. Not least because it takes some of the thrill of the forbidden out of it and lets her see some of the behaviour as a bit sad rather than cool. You can only rebel if you have something to rebel against.

Is there another close female relative or family friend who could also talk to her? Aunt? Godmother? Sometimes teens talking to parents involve too much baggage.

This does sound like more of a cry for help than anything else. I don’t think she’s coping. She needs to know that’s ok and together you can work out a way forward. Check out uni support for students who are struggling. It might even be worth interrupting. I know there are cost implications but it doesn’t sound like she is in a good place.

Massive drip feed OP, about her being autistic and previously suicidal, and not leaving her room for 4 years! She really shouldn’t have gone away from home for uni in my opinion, she clearly wasn’t equipped for it. Has she made any proper friends at uni? What are her living arrangements for her second year?

She has to forge her own path now and this will probably be a blip reaction to having lived such a puritan life beforehand. Both my DD and DS have always claimed it is the students who have lived sheltered lives who go crazy at uni. Work on keeping a good relationship with her rather than admonishing her for her 'studenty' behaviour. And if you have other teen children, let them let their hair down in sixth form so they don't also do this.

Based on your update I would encourage her to take the rest of the year off uni, work on her independence, social and resilience skills and try again in September. She clearly is not coping atm and wasn't ready to live away from home and go to uni.

University probably won't tell you anything.
She stands a real chance of failing and being chucked out or having to repeat the year,make sure she is aware of that.

I would guess it's partly your fault, maybe you pushed too hard to be an A* student. Held those coat strings too tightly.

Sounds like she went from a very sheltered, structured and limited socially life to the absolute freedom and madness that uni life is.

Is she trying to "reinvent" herself as the cool/party girl?

Is she numbing /trying to hide the overwhelm with alcohol/drugs and everything else is a consequence of that?

How is her mental health now? Are her previous issues sorted/managed?

@Koukla So she wasn't independent at all before leaving home? And now you wonder why she's "lost". She's autistic so probably need some guidance in situ. Is it possible for her to rent a room with a family rather than living on campus?

Went through this. Absolutely awful. After two terms of being hospitalised for drinking, hooking up with randoms on nights out and being as irresponsible as possible.....She met a lad in her summer term of first year and when he wanted to drop out it was only his parents telling him he'd be cut off if he did that saved her education. No joke. She would have thrown it all away for him. Thankfully it fizzled out in the second year! Completely cut down our financial support so most of her free time was then spent working until she showed she was more responsible.

Having two similar daughters on the spectrum we felt it was important to have life skills, at home we have a rota for cooking and always have, they both had jobs from 13 to help with their life skills as well as money planning - one started uni during covd the other her a-levels - both done well and coped well....... So many kids go to uni without any life skills it amazes me and then get given a load of money with no idea about budgeting or life. and spend it getting pissed.

You don't know that. Lots of kids push themselves without parents behind. But she sounds way too immature and fragile to be living on her own.

She obviously has wider difficulties and is finding the transition to living independently hard.

I do think she should not be telling her younger sibling everything. That’s not fair on him to carry that burden and worry about her etc.

Who is funding her drinking and partying ? If it's you then tell her it will stop if she doesn't start going to lectures and doing the work. She can then live in the real world and find a job to fund her lifestyle.

The autism and suicidal ideation changes everything OP - this is not a bogstandard geek goes wild at uni scenario and needs to be handled super carefully. Therapeutic support would be my first stop.

I have two autistic daughters who've coped fine with uni but spent a lot of time making sure they understood life, budgeting, and cooking... And when they struggled they called - one has a first the other is on a year in industry before next year finishing her masters - they also had had alcohol and made some mistakes at a younger age so it held no fascination at uni both barley drink now...

The fact you said never drank before uni is the biggest flag here for me.

The kids that drank with their parents at home and no big deal was made about alcohol tended to know their limits and keep it level. The ones where alcohol was devil substance, once open to them, became all consuming and displayed many of the behaviours your daughter is.

I'm not blaming you here to be clear. It can be very personality driven. Alcohol is used as a crutch. If she's prone to depression and can be very all or nothing the alcohol becomes all then she seeks the adrenaline reward of risky behaviour and ego boost of attention of men to help with the depression. Cycle repeats.

Do you think she wants to be at uni? I’m wondering if she is either not enjoying the course or not enjoying being away from home and doesn’t know how to tell you. So going off the rails with the potential to fail the course and get kicked out of year 1 is the easier option? I’d have a quiet and calm talk and tell her it’s ok to leave if it’s not for her.

This!! Massively relevant that your DD is autistic (and I say this as mum to a highly intelligent autistic girl myself).

How long ago was your DD diagnosed as autistic and what support has she had since? Would she be open to having an autistic mentor? Uni is tough for many young people but even more so when you’re navigating that feeling of being different too. It sounds like she’s just trying to fit in and not really understanding protecting her safety too.

Sadly as she’s now classed as an adult, it will be much harder for you to help her if she doesn’t want it 😢 Hopefully her behaviour calms down after year 1 xx