Will my friend be allowed around my kids??

[HaZelzo]

hi basically my friend has had all her children removed due to her past relationship around DV.
i was wondering would this stop her from being allowed around my children or anything????)

She clearly didn’t have her children’s best interest at heart.
Things have to be pretty dire for children to be removed from a mother.

She chose the men over the kids, or she would still have the kids.

@oakleaffy I don't disagree. But it wouldn't mean she couldn't see OPs kids along with her? If she feels ok with it of course. If it was my close friend. If she was really that bad I wouldn't speak to her at all.

Things happen in life, so I’m not going to judge too harshly, and people can sometimes change, but my feeling here is that if you have to ask this question then that’s all you need to know surely?

Based on the very limited information you've posted she seems she would be fine to be around your kids but not fine to live with you, stay with you, or mind your kids at all.

I wouldn't be friends with a woman who chose a shitty man over her own children. It is 100% her fault, she will have been given many chances to do the right thing and put her children's safety and wellbeing first, and she chose dick instead.

Why you would want such a creature anywhere near your own children is baffling.

I was the woman who stayed with the man despite criminal charges, the blinkers fell about 6 months in but even during the fog I worked alongside SS and never lied to them about contact because some part of me knew I wasn't capable of protecting them. They were never removed from me so I know how bad the violence must have been and I strongly suspect there's other issues at play with neglect or possible harm to the children directly. I'll spend the rest of my life regretting the 2 incidents my children were exposed to in those 11 months so my heart goes out to her poor children who'll be so much more affected.

Which begs a few questions the most prominent being:
why refuse to break up / chose a relationship with an abusive bastard when it means losing your children?

she chose that over her kids.
she’ll have been given multiple opportunities to make the correct choice… which is to be a mother and prioritise her children’s safety and happiness.

No matter how much of a victim she is, she clearly has terribly judgement and for that reason alone she wouldn’t be anywhere near my children.
Any friendship would be conducted outside my home and away from the children

Op your friend did have a choice she chose bad men over her own kids.
Why would you want it has a friend.

Of course your friend can be around your children @HaZelzo, but I wouldn't let her look after them.

If you’re going to be sad then be sad for the kids who are the true victims when your friend picked more than one man over them. If I was yeh father of your kids then I would want your friend to never be alone with the kids - definitely not babysitting because she’ll pick the man she’s dating over innocent kids.

Hi OP,
I assume that you have got the information about how the removal of her kids was only because of the bloke from your friend?

That may or may not be the case. Remember that. If your friend was suspected of harming or neglecting her children she can easily choose not to tell you that.

Be friends if you want but operate on the basis that you might not know the truth of what went on. Put safeguarding your kids foremost on any friendship with her.

I used to be a community nurse, the situations children are left an are heartbreaking. There are an awful lot of steps before a mother has her children removed.

I ultimately it's your children ,your choice.
.id hope your thinking it wasn't her fault is from well established friendship in full awareness( of all the facts.
I imagine, the removal of her kids will have had a massive impact on her ? Are they permanently removed ?
Is she currently under soc services? If yes it might be an idea to raise with them.

That way avoid any safeguard issue you possibly unaware of.

The responses of a solute no, and 'hate to victim blame' aren't necessarily surprising. " 100 steps first,bar to remove is high" is based I guess on what should happen.
I am absolutely aware that this IS NOT a guarantee it does. Children ARE
Removed from safe, loving,capable parents.

Your friend can be near your kids when you're there, but not on her own. She’s proven that she prefers men to kids, and when forced to choose, she chooses a man every time. This is not someone I would have wanted near my kids. She will have been given countless opportunities to prioritise her kids over her boyfriend, and will have chosen her boyfriend every time.

In nearly 30 years as a GP I have never seen kids removed from safe loving capable parents. I’ve seen them removed from loving parents who weren’t capable, and from capable parents who weren’t loving, but never from both.

Your friend had abusive partners who she chose to be with instead of leaving them and keeping her children safe with the support of social services and the hundreds of charities and organisations who were there waiting for her. She chose to put herself and her children at risk and after multiple interventions by professionals, decided to eschew her children and stick with the abusive men- I assume 2 seperate men at seperate times, or perhaps 2 at once. Doesn't matter.

Social services don't steal children, nor do they take children from good parents and good homes.

There are many incidents of children being moved to safer homes, with contact facilitated with parents who work to create a safe home environment where their children can be returned to. The parents put in the effort and listen to the advice of professionals and make sure their children get to live with them again.

The goal of social services is to always reunite families where it is safe to do so.

Your friend is not safe, has neglected her children and potentially abused them or allowed abuse to happen. You must be as bad as her if you think she should be around your children.

Is she well rid of these men now and does she have her DC back. If so I would be happy to meet her but not let my DC be unsupervised with her.

Some posters are very righteous.

Some women in abusive situations don't have the strength/clarity to up and leave.

My DC's birth mum only managed to leave and break after her children were placed with us.

She has eventually gone on to successfully parent a new child with a new, supportive, partner.

In OP's case I would guess friend being around the children is OK, but maybe not sole care.

It was entirely her fault. Social services didn't remove her children because of domestic violence, they removed them because of her inability to make protective or good choices for her children.

'The situations wasnt her fault it was the men who she was with who was causing Dv to herself which put her in a situation making SS removing them'

There wasn't a knock on the door one day and her kids were taken away immediately.

She would have had a lot of interaction with social services and possibly the police before she was told that is she doesn't leave her man the children would have to be taken doe their own safety.

Stop minimising her role in the situation.

She's blind to have a lot of baggage and may even have resentment towards other mothers so I personally wouldn't have let her anywhere near my children.

They don't remove children simply because someone is a victim of DV. They remove children when that person has demonstrated that they are unwilling or unable to keep their children safe as a result of the DV. Commonly this is people who choose the relationship over the children.

You say 'men' (plural), so presumably she has put her children at risk through more than one relationship. I wouldn't be leaving my children with her.

Social services don’t remove children from their mothers if they are taking all the steps to protect them. She is responsible or they wouldn’t have been removed. It’s a many step process which enables the mother to turn it around and cooperate with agencies at any point. Your friend must not have put her children before her violent relationship.

Generally speaking - yes, if you mean can she come over if your kids are around, or can all of you go out for dinner then yeah she can be around your kids.

I wouldn’t advise leaving your kids in her care alone though of course. That would be unwise and unsafe. If she’s not trusted to keep her own kids safe, she can’t be trusted to keep yours safe.

And even in terms of her coming over there still needs to be some considerations if things are really extreme . For instance if she has the kind of abusive partner who will follow her to her mates and kick off.

I had to detach myself from someone who kept dating violent men because as bad for her as I felt, it got to the stage where my safety was threatened. And after multiple relationships like that I grew tired of getting in the firing line.

Yep, echo everyone else. Your friend made herself and her boyfriend a priority above her children. Social Services do not remove children from their mothers lightly. She clearly lives a chaotic life and possibly has a low IQ. Is this someone you want to be around your children? I wouldn't.