Will my friend be allowed around my kids??

[HaZelzo]

hi basically my friend has had all her children removed due to her past relationship around DV.
i was wondering would this stop her from being allowed around my children or anything????)

Was she really the victim? Ss would have given her chances to protect, prioritise and keep her dc, she chose otherwise. Has she had counselling, recognised her shortcomings, maintained any relationship with them? What capacity would she be with your family?

If you want SS to be involved with your children too @HaZelzo there's no eesson to stop her being around them.

SS don't remove children without many, many chances to resolve issues. Keep your children far away from this "friend".

If i had chosen to stay friends then i would have to have sone boundaries. I wouldn't let her babysit or be in any position where she was either alone with them or had any responsibility for them but meeting her in a cafe with my kids for example, yes. Assuming she didn't talk about anything that my children didn't need to hear.

OP if you are socialising and you are still looking after your kids it will be fine. Do not leave her alone with them or let her babysit. That may make Social Services question your judgement.

I'm glad of that.
I am als absolutely assuring you- it happens.
When I said "absolutely aware" I meant first hand. ds2 and I continue suffer CPTSD ,,exactly s direct result of this. At risk of being outing- our situation-NEVER should have happened. Known abusive ex(dad)made false allegation of assaut -"supported"by 2 witnesses(who if police had run a check/definately have long crim records)who he paid,to lie. Child removed-screaming prtest and pleading do not make me go-i am not safe. arrested.charged.prevented fromALL contact and a nearly 3year daily battle followed with little or no hope of ever changing.no gp reports.no investigation.SET UP- and child continuously subjected t continued abuse.text book coercive control. court =3 against 1. poor legal rep-absolute wrong conviction. advocacy banned by swk. LiIving hell. Scotland=12 chnages child rights,mine got his wn lawyer and once aware of what he could do immediately returned home.
ombusman report took same time to find /establish -unlawful remove.No ird. n safety check re sent dad(was involved in court custody case only weeks earlier following 9mth bar report -sherif ruled dad provide full psyc asses. if even considered supervised contact.
swk aware of all this as voluntary engagement -initiated by mum..alsoo aware wom aid had provided.39councellor sessions with child re dad\abuse.
Swk ordered to apolgise-couldnt shake off books quick enough.zero support for mum/son. ultimately both absolutely damaged, from full experience.
so- its a relief you are certain youve never experienced this.
I absolutely promise-every word i wrote there is the absolute truth. son home, wanted stuff like friends come sleepo. Aprt froom horrr of all before-I felt moraally obliged to knock each friend in wee group(4of them)and inform them of conviction. Fortunately(yet no less awful)ALL were aware of sons history - all delighted he
s home and happy allow their kids to come. his group friends all hve siblings etc-mine has huge bedroom,day be
d and pullout bed =room for them all-goes like a youth hostel in holidays.
Realise is "exception" but assure you-it happens.

Kindly, @HaZelzo , someone who puts themselves in the position where they do not choose their children's wellbeing over a violent relationship is definitely at fault. You may want to consider how you look at relationships too if you can't see this.

She didn’t ‘lose’ her children, she gave them up in favour of questionable men.

Why would you want someone who abandoned their children anywhere near you?

You say “the men” OP… does this mean there was more than one man that this happened with (As in several different relationships?)

Good God … you’d think once was enough for those poor children!

As is so often the way, first reply nails it

I don’t understand much of that due to almost every word being an abbreviation, but if it’s as I think you’re saying, your case was one of the 1-in-a-million events. It’s not a good idea to hold it up as an example of how kids are taken into care unreasonably.

I can think of 2 mums off the top of my head who I have as patients. Both lovely kind caring women, who had horrific upbringings themselves, leading to lifelong mental health problems. They both adored their kids, lived for them, but just couldn’t offer them safe homes. They couldn’t prioritise the children’s health (eg washing, teeth cleaning, nit combing etc), and couldn’t keep themselves safe and healthy enough to look after kids. They had years of help and support, but in the end none of it made enough of a difference. One of them got her kids back eventually, the other didn’t. But both of them had many many chances before the kids were taken. (I have changed details, and these situations are very common, so there is no way these people would be identifiable).

THAT is all presumtion,i realise based on your understanding of how the prescribed process is employed.
NOTHING in ops post specified any of those markers were met. @Jostuki -i dont just mean aim this at you.
Its FACT. There is no absolute assurance of this being implemented.
The predominant response view = op wrong/misled by friend who is immediately tarred and feathered.
ALMOST as if everybody ttally oblivious to last weeeks headlines and horrific details re Sara Sharif.
IT HAPPENS> soc services/family court etc make ultimately fatal decisions based on "proffessionals" filing to do basic entry level assesments which ALWAYS should be impartial with entire focus being the childs immediate and ongoing wellbeing.
I would not wish the failure to provide this on any parent. Having your child immediately remved is absolutely horrific(for child and parent) Particularly so when direct result f services failing to adhere to their own guidelines,procedures.
I am also certain-ours wsnt a one of "mistake" My 12 yr old son made a decision that NEVER should have been left to him and pulled the plug on nearly 3yrs enforced seperation. The absolute vital "child focused"actions were consistently ignored.
Also. unforgiveable victim blaming again based on absolute minimal details -re mums invovement with men- being HER choice.DEcisin being made on FACTS nt jump gun "assumptions"It didnt say that and i wouldnt with experience of the reality of how fuckin truly awful being in the situation you arent "protected"by authorities,your honesty re homelife/concerns etc is used to completely cripple you-with the shittiest of ll shitshws-permiting,promote,enfrce abuser to be "safe"person.
i cunt blessings daily.it stopped.my son is safe,home,actively healing.
IF EVEN 1 OF THE "PROFFESSIONALS INVOLVED had acted in way ought to-potential outcome wuld have stood a chance in childs best intrest. as it goes, getting it wrong\nt doing as should has no impact on continue to practice.

your one in a million figures are way off reality. ONE CHILD enforced to wrong decisons is always relevant and should be considered. based on -lived experience / fact.
the expectations and required practice must be 100% adhered to- truth is-it isnt.

OP, would you pick a violent man over your own children? Can you imagine the circumstances where you’d give up looking after them everyday, being their mum, knowing you’d never see them again, that they’d have a new mum and dad?

The abuse wasn't her fault, but having her children removed absolutely is her fault. My son is adopted and there was a history of DV with birth parents. There can be insurmountable levels of trauma for the children that experience this.
Removal of children is an absolute last resort, so (despite what she may have told you) your friend would have had numerous chances to leave the relationship and put her children first, along with buckets and buckets of support.
The fact that you even want her around your children is mind-blowing.

I don't understand the reason for sharing your second paragraph? How is your son playing with that child in any way relatable to the OP?

I was thinking that but couldn't quite articulate it. Think this poster is mixed up?!

Her allowing her children to repeatedly witness domestic violence is hurting them and neglecting them. That sort of trauma can have such an effect that it changes the course of a child's brain development. It can stay with them for life even if it happened only in utero.

Thank you for sharing this. I've only been a parent, via adoption, for a relatively short amount of time. I still wrestle with my feelings towards birth family, especially birth mum (which I know is wrong but maybe I see it from the point of view of a fellow woman?). I flit between anger/frustration/sadness and deep empathy and understanding. Does that get easier??!
Sorry for going a little off topic!

@JayJayEl I'm trying to articulate that you can take steps to keep your child safe that don't involve cutting people out of your or their life life or blocking friendships, really. I wouldn't let the friend here have unsupervised access to my DC, I wouldn't let the boy's parents in the other scenario have unsupervised access to him either, but there's usually a way to make things work.

But OP said her friend was in violent abusive relationships. Are you saying that the kids should have been left in that household?

HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · Yesterday 15:02
I'm not going to join in the chorus of victim blaming here …”

The children are the victims.

I don't think anyone will stop her being around your kids. However, you should probably not have her around your kids if she has a pattern of getting into abusive relationships and failing to safeguard children while in them. It's not her fault at all that she was abused. She may have experienced too much trauma in her life to recognise danger in a relationship. And she will probably expect you to meet her new partner at some point. That's when your children could be at risk of witnessing something you'd rather they didn't see. If you try to limit your friend's access to your children only when she's in a relationship, she'll probably not take it well and it could cause tension in her relationship. So it will be much more sustainable and just better generally if you're able to have a very boundaried friendship that doesn't involve your home or family.

But it was her fault for not leaving her partners in favour of looking after her children. That was her decision.

OP said "removed due to her past relationship around DV."
I am saying the presumtion she "chose" dv over kids, or is absolutely deserving of this- is UNMERITED given the incredibly limited info given.

I in no way suggesr children being left in dv high risk situation would be ok.

Rather than the "burn her shes a witch""brigade -which i am quite genuinely disgusted at rather than ask further relevant details.Particularly as far as the my have low iq comment..the apparent consensus heavily opt to offer opinions and judgement on what they assume -
It is absolutely viable kids removed past rship around dv my well have been direct result of friend being hospitalised. or any other varible. NOWHERE did info state the friend neglected to safeguard. No timescale-no details if temporary,permanent.
I in no way suggest kids be left at risk.
"victim blaming" is awful-especially when not even attempt establish facts

@JayJayEl that maybe, but does it mean OP can't allow her any contact with her children? I don't think so. I've been brutally abused by more than one man. Thank god no kids, as I was raped without a condom dozens of times.
But I wouldn't want to be shunned and considered literally unworthy of being near my friends or family's children.