Really struggling with 50/50 custody, losing my baby

[MissingMama]

I split with stbxh at the start of the year. We have been sharing custody 50/50 of our kids, 5 and 1. It’s generally working ok, the kids do seem to of adjusted. It’s better with the 5 year old, he understands more and can vocalise how he feels. He still seems very close to me. It’s not ideal, but it’s ok.

My 1 year old (well, 22 month old) is just breaking my heart. Some weeks I only have him in the evenings after he’s spent the day with his childminder, it works out as like 12 hours over that week really. He loves it at her house and is so attached to her, he cries and doesn’t want to come to me when I pick him up. I can never replicate the bond they have as I just can’t spend as much time with him.

He is often upset to come to me, he will engage with me and be happy and smiley and give kisses etc after a bit of time to soften but I just don’t feel like I’ve got the bond with him that I did, or that she has. I feel like I’m losing my baby.

This isn’t what I’d have chosen for them, I just feel heartbroken. I’ve asked my ex about more custody in my favour and he said he’d got to court if I tried that. I just feel so sad. What can I do?

Little children (both your children are little) need their mothers more. Don't care what anyone says. It's just a biological truth. I would not accept the current setup and he can try court if he really wants to.

Total rubbish.

Curious as to your background. The child is soon to be 24 months, object permanence is embedding in their cognitive process from 18 months onwards. By the time this went to court, the child will be 2.

I think it’s extremely unfair to the OP to suggest her child is showing signs of a disrupted or disordered attachment. The little one can be assessed but the responses she has described can be within the range of what is normal. This isn’t the place to be barrelling into court and claiming an attachment disorder in a child. OP would be far better seeking legal advice and ensuring the balance and split of time is appropriate and best for the children.

Exactly.

My son is the same age as OP's. He goes to nursery, he knows that mum or dad will pick him up.

Because he's 2 and not a baby.

You're spectacularly missing my point. It doesn't really matter whether the mother is breastfeeding or not. If the norm is to be breastfed then the norm is to be close to the mother, whether they're breastfed or not. Just because a baby or toddler isn't breastfed, it doesn't mean they are bereft of the closeness and, wait for it, attachment (!) the relationship with the mother brings.

Anyway, some posts on this thread are cold as.

Up to 3 is the most important time in a child’s life and development and this one year old child is suffering with an attachment disorder from their mother.

No no no. No one here is in a position to talk about OP’s child having an attachment disorder. We have zero information to support that even if you had the appropriate qualifications.

OP, toddlers crying at pickup is common. It is not a reflection of poor attachment to you or anything of the sort. Toddlers cry because they have big feelings that they don’t regulate or process well yet. Your child is tired in the evening and when you arrive there is a big rush of conflicting feelings and wants - excitement to see you, anticipation about going home, sadness at leaving another loving adult he is attached to, upset at the end of his current activity/play time in order to transition to going home, etc. It’s overwhelming. Transitions are a struggle for most toddlers, especially when they’re tired. But your DC settles and is happy with you once the transition is through and that’s more important.

I’ve asked up thread about your DC’s specific schedule and whether you’re getting equal weekends. If you can share that I think that’s where this thread could be most helpful for you, rather than continue to devolve into general debates about caregiver gender.

Bewildered by something they have always known? It would be their normal.

If they end up very close to both parents then why does it automatically need to be the mother who has them more if we're not talking about a small breastfeeding baby?

Well no because the norm is not to be breastfed and it is normal for a child to spend a lot of time in childcare or being cared for by relatives to allow parents to work. So no it is not normal for a 2 year old to be physically attached to its mother in the same way as a 2 month old. And it does not cause attachment issues and it’s quite insulting and grim that you suggest it does. Attachment disorder is caused by neglect and abuse, not by both parents being equally involved in the child’s life or by going to nursery.

I didn’t say it had to be the mother. I said they need continuity, consistency and regularity.

This this this

Do you have a job with some flexibility? One of my colleagues does 50/50 and she basically works the majority of her hours when the kids are with dad. So they do Friday to friday so the week they’re with dad she’ll usually work long shifts Friday, Saturday, Sunday so she will have had the Monday to Friday off whilst the kids were with her then she’ll work Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday the following week whilst they’re with dad and have Friday, Saturday and Sunday off. So she ends up working 6 long shifts in 7 days but it works for her with the 50/50 arrangement and she rarely has to work on the days she has the kids and if she does it’ll just be a little short shift. They flex it a bit around Xmas, birthdays and stuff like that to keep it fair.

If both parents want 50-50 at that point I think they would need to do it in the same house

I think this is a very good point though can’t see it being possible in most cases unfortunately.

Lol try it and enjoy the rollicking you will get from the judge for unilaterally terminating the contact agreement that’s been working for a year and then watch it being reinstated.

This has obviously been going on a while, so pre 2. And I haven't diagnosed an attachment disorder. I have noticed loss in the OP, which is an alarm bell. And there is a lot of separation from the mother. Another alarm bell.

The best thing would be for the dad to stop being an arse and work with the mum on frequent contact with the mum being the main base, not necessarily 50/50, with a view to increasing it as to what the baby signals it is ready to do, not what the father thinks he has a right to. And certainly not threatening court when the mother raises a legitimate worry.

True. But then parents need to compromise until children are older in the interests of the children. Young children need a consistent care giver.

Too many on here centering the needs and wants of the adults...but the wants and needs of the male adults obviously because as we all know they are the most important people....ever

Nowhere have I suggested an attachment disorder.

EXACTLY! 50/50 is all about men demanding their 'share' of the children. It's not in any way what's best for the children. And it almost never works, long term. Sadly, the kids often end up having to be the ones that put their foot down and ask for one stable home, and by then the damage is done.

It's biology. Babies need their mothers when they are very young. You can see this throughout the animal kingdom. Mum and baby are deeply bonded through various hormones including oxytocin, the baby knows her smell and her voice, and it's distressing for all mammals when mothers and babies are separated too young. Experts generally agree on this. This stage does not last forever, and dads build their bond too, but just a little later. I mean, this child was separated from his mother for a long time each week since the age of not much over twelve months. That is crazy, and way, way too young for an infant to be taken from its mother so much.

The father's first role in the first 0-3 years approx is to protect the mother and the young so that they can bond, and the dad and young generally bond at a deeper level when the early stages have passed. That's nature. That's biology. Is it fair? No. But having to be the one who carries the child for nine months and births it, with all the trauma that that can create, isn't fair either.

There's also an argument to be made that it's much more psychologically damaging for a mother to be parted from her young than it is for a dad, because she carried the baby inside her for nine months and birthed it. It is just unnatural for mothers and babies under two to be separated so much.

It is best for the parents not the children.

Absolutely. As pp said, courts seem to focus on the wants of the adults and not the needs of the children. I can't imagine a baby that young being away from its mother so much. When my ex and I split our ds was a young baby and he didn't even start having overnight contact until ds was about 2 and a half. He had plenty of visitation but I really believe that a stable routine and home environment is crucial at that age, and beyond if I'm honest.

Op if you are not happy with this you need to do something now, you won't get this time back. I understand you need to work but there must be a better way that enables you to be with your children more?

I had periods where I saw my kids very little, because work. In those periods I slept with them at night. Yes, we were asleep, but it still felt like a lot more time together and a lot more closeness.

and it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that 99% of posters here are mothers and simply would want to be with their children? It's all about the child and not about what OP wants? Or what pp's would want or have got in a similar situation?

Please. Of course it's also about what the adults want.

I don't agree with those saying you should go to court. It seems that the other parent just cares for your children the same as you, and sharing parenting 50/50 is a brilliant way to handle such a sad situation. However, if you have problems, speak to your ex about them, and how you are feeling and see if you can come together to find a way around them.

In time, things will improve, going to court could sour the relationship with your ex completely, so please don't make a permanent solution based on a temporary problem. Bless your children, having 2 loving parents, they're extremely lucky.

Look at what benefits you would be entitled to as a single working mum if you reduced your days to say 2 or 3. You are allowed to care for your child.

Court is very expensive and it's a bluff. I'm sure your baby loves you. Perhaps you have a bit of pnd. Look for perinatal counselling. Good luck PM if you want a chat. X