Really struggling with 50/50 custody, losing my baby

[MissingMama]

I split with stbxh at the start of the year. We have been sharing custody 50/50 of our kids, 5 and 1. It’s generally working ok, the kids do seem to of adjusted. It’s better with the 5 year old, he understands more and can vocalise how he feels. He still seems very close to me. It’s not ideal, but it’s ok.

My 1 year old (well, 22 month old) is just breaking my heart. Some weeks I only have him in the evenings after he’s spent the day with his childminder, it works out as like 12 hours over that week really. He loves it at her house and is so attached to her, he cries and doesn’t want to come to me when I pick him up. I can never replicate the bond they have as I just can’t spend as much time with him.

He is often upset to come to me, he will engage with me and be happy and smiley and give kisses etc after a bit of time to soften but I just don’t feel like I’ve got the bond with him that I did, or that she has. I feel like I’m losing my baby.

This isn’t what I’d have chosen for them, I just feel heartbroken. I’ve asked my ex about more custody in my favour and he said he’d got to court if I tried that. I just feel so sad. What can I do?

No, due to being the Mother. I don’t know why you keep talking about female caregivers, vaginas and chromosomes. Are we really at a point in society now where women are not even vital as Mothers? Do men just take priority in everything.

I genuinely don’t see how you can’t grasp the point I’m trying to make. I’m not saying a child doesn’t need its Dad or benefit from having both parents equally involved. But small children need their Mothers more, not female caregivers, Mother.

I know you've already asked your ex, but for him to knee-jerk respond with the comment about court might have been because he felt instantly threatened by the idea of not seeing his kids as much.

I'm wondering if you might bring it up with him again - write him an email if that's easier. You could lead with telling him that you have no intention of going to court, and that he's under no obligation to give you more time with youngest DC. Say that DC is still so very young, so you wonder if the current arrangement is in his best interests. And ask him what he thinks. Give him some control, so that he feels like the possibility of DC spending more time with you is a joint decision that you both might make for DC's best interest. Point out that your youngest DC is really, really young to be parted from his mother so much, and that given you only see each other for 12 hours a week when he goes to his dad's at the weekend, you think it's bad for your bond and therefore bad for your baby. (Under 2 is still a baby imo!)

And point out that it wouldn't be forever. You could put a time limit on it - as in, more time with you until DC is three. I think that part is crucial in reassuring Ex that this would be a temporary solution to the problem of a very young child being parted too much from his mother. (Which it would be, of course.)

I wish you the best of luck. It sounds hard.

Sorry but if you split up then you won’t see your child every single day. You will have to do what millions of other parents do and accept that. And remember that your ex is in the same boat - they don’t see their child when they are with you. It’s hard but the child deserves an equal relationship with both parents and EOW is generally quite inadequate and often leads to much less close bonds with the non resident parent. They will very much be visitors and won’t really see that as their home. Arguably it can be more disruptive than a shared care arrangement because they constantly have to go to visit somewhere rather than having two homes.

That sounds like a really difficult situation OP - I’m sorry you are going through this. There have been some interesting points made on here from different viewpoints. DH and I have had a few issues, but the default 50:50 thing is what puts me off from ever separating. DH is a brilliant dad but I can’t imagine not being the “default” parent - no matter how much society may have moved on, most women I know still do the vast majority of parenting, regardless of their job/income/education etc.

You haven’t mentioned your working patterns and obviously it’s not always easy to change these, but would there be an option to reduce or change your hours, so as to avoid DC being in childcare as much during “your time?” When our DC were born, I shifted most of my hours to evenings/weekends, whereas DH works 9-4pm. If you live near your ex, would something like that be an option?

I feel like it is relevant because of the different bonds that develop. All equally valuable, but undeniably different.

Of course children have the right to see both parents!!!!!!!

A child who is almost 2 is 1! They need their mummy’s ! It’s nature .

Up to 3 is the most important time in a child’s life and development and this one year old child is suffering with an attachment disorder from their mother .

The parents need to put the children first and work out a better way. This is awful for the child .

Her bond may be 'suffering' but if someone has a child with someone this is what can happen
What on earth ? Makes no sense .

Again, I agree. They need both parents. But I stand by what I said.

I think 50/50 is more appropriate once a child has started school. Surely then they will be much more able to understand the situation?

That sounds so hard op. 😔

What is your 50/50 pattern? Can the pattern be shifted about a bit, and/or your work pattern be shifted a bit?

I know some people will come for me here but I don't agree with 50/50 for such young children (or any age if I'm completely honest) but it's more common now for many reasons. 😔

Who said they can only live with their Mother. I said they need their Mothers more.

If they are equally valuable then it doesn't make sense for her to automatically have the child more just because she's the mother.

What if she didn't breastfeed? Not all mothers do.

Surely it would be harder to adjust? Especially with starting school on top of all of that.

From a young age means not knowing any different and having a settled routine which children thrive on.

That’s all good and well but what if a court decides the father is best placed to be the primary caregiver? OP is then in a far worse position and so are the children.

Well this child does have his mother. And his father. And a trusted childcare provider.

That's not really an argument. That the vast majority aren't breastfed. You mean in this country? The US? Sri Lanka? Breastfeeding is the normal way of feeding a human infant. So it makes sense that two year olds need to be near the boobs. And you come on. It's obvious that a two year old needs it's mother.

And I would also argue that object permanence is an issue for a two year old. They're not necessarily going to understand that when the mother isn't there she's not gone for good. And that is an issue for attachment. For those on this thread arguing from an attachment standpoint.

If, for the baby, the mother not seeing him is a rupture, then I would argue from an attachment theory standpoint, that is very much an issue. In fact you can tell from the baby's reaction in the OP that it is an issue for the baby. You can see the rupture and attempted repair very clearly. And besides, the mother here can feel it. And that's important. It means that there is significant loss in the relationship. And anyone who knows anything about attachment theory knows this is an issue.

You're viewing this from the eyes of an adult...for a toddler, this is actually probably extremely confusing

Very sensible post.
But of course people are not going to listen. Because men must have equal rights, in an already male dominated society. Forget what’s best for the child, as long as men’s rights are not infringed upon.

This sounds hard. I’d get some legal advice and see what court would look like. I’d be saying 50:50 is not working for the youngest and is currently detrimental abd therefore I want that reconsidering.

You cannot possibly diagnose or suggest any disorders of attachment from a post on the internet. The poor OP is distressed enough and finding this entire situation, understandably, heartbreaking. This is someone’s real life and legally, she doesn’t have a leg to stand on in court and say “they need their mummy!” (Sic) but they absolutely do need equal leisure and quality time with their mum and OP is well within her rights to be pushing for this, for her sake and theirs. It’s clear she’s a loving parent who wants to be with her children, there is no suggestion this little one has an attachment disorder nor that they are ‘suffering’.

It only makes sense if the 2 year old is actually breastfed. Even then, 2 year olds don't need to feed like newborns and small babies do.

It's probably not relevant though because OP probably would've said if she was still breastfeeding.

If you cut hours down you might be entitled to universal credit. At this age I wouldn’t agree to 50/50. Contact gingerbread single parent support for advice.

In Scandinavia 50/50 arrangements are pretty common and their children don’t grow up with attachment issues. This kid is not being abandoned by his mother. If the kid doesn’t understand that the mum isn’t coming back he shouldn’t go to childcare or spend any time that’s not with the mother. But of course he does understand that she is coming back.

This sounds tough op. I've not been in this situation personally but what are the 50/50 arrangements you have currently set up Do you spent weekends / alternating weekends with dc? Could the days you have dc be changed or your working hours be changed to make things easier while still sharing 50/50 care of dc

And your point is? The damage caused by the fake 50:50 which inevitably means the child of what ever age is left with an external child carer, will never heal. That child will be damaged. All because a father would rather that than pay maintenance to help support their child. I am beyond grateful that the car crash of my divorce and subsequent child care decisions aren't even close to what is acceptable now. But I am so worried about the impact of this damage to young people and young adults now in our society.

I can’t imagine how such a young child can understand being away from caregivers for a longer period. If both parents want 50-50 at that point I think they would need to do it in the same house. With my DS we didn’t do overnights until he was at least 3. My ex took him for shorter/ regular periods until he was older. It increased over time. He ended up very close to both of us. 50-50 for v young children sounds more in interests of parents than children. I think a child needs to have a concept of time and an understanding of why they need to be away for periods before you have this kind of arrangement. They could end up bewildered.