Parents of decent children - how did you do it?

[acupofteamakeseverythingbetter]

I'm a parent to a 2.5 year old and 4 month old. I'm very much in the trenches of motherhood with two little ones and with regards to parenting I don't want to mess it up.

What words of wisdom do you have to raise decent independent humans. Is there anything you would have done differently if you had the chance?

What things did you do as parents that you're proud of doing because now looking back you can see whatever you did or didn't do was worth it?

Sorry my title is rubbish! I don't mean decent in a condescending way! I basically mean if you're a parent that thinks you've done a good job, what are your pearls of wisdom

What do you mean by decent? Do you mean well rounded?or do you mean a good person?or do you mean successful academically? Or do you mean with little to no issues?

Start with tight boundaries that can be loosened gradually as appropriate. Once you’ve said yes to something it’s really hard to then row back and say no.

Also, say no and mean it! So many kids behave badly because they’ve never been told “no” and they grow up into entitled spoilt adults.

Remember that what you model, they copy - whether good or bad.

(edited for typos)

My younger son is about to turn 18 and I couldn't be prouder of him and his brother. We have a close relationship and I think that's due to modelling the behaviour I want to see from them.

I don't shout unless they've done something dangerous, I talk to them and explain what and why rather than 'because I said so', I show them kindness and understanding and if they're driving me up the wall I take myself off to deal with it (it's my stress, not theirs).

I also have made it a point to smile and greet them with happiness, even when I'm not feeling it, after all if their mother's not happy to see them, why would they expect others to be?

They're huge, confident, muscular young men but they always tell me they love me when they leave the room! 😂

I credit my superior genes for the most part 😄

Seriously. Do your best, foster confidence and kindness and age appropriate independence. That's what I'm trying to do anyway, oldest is still a teen, is pretty decent if I say so myself but I'll report back in 10 yrs or so....

A well rounded, nice person. I don't care too much for academic success as long as they try to the best of their own ability

This most definitely. I couldn't have put it better. Exactly how my two were raised. They are now 28 and 37 years old and lovely people. I am so proud of them in every way.

The best advice I got and try to follow is, to be consistent (which can sometimes be exhausting!) and model the behaviours you want to instil in your children.

Build a relationship with your children. My children are now 16-23 and, along with my husband are my favourite people. I intended them to be people I wanted to spend time with. They’re not perfect but they’re good boys. They know they’re my favourite people.

I was a woman of my word, I had clear boundaries and the consequences for breaking those boundaries were clear and I always followed through. I picked my battles.

I wish I’d got them helping out in the house more. There’s no doubt that they don’t pull their weight at home and should do a whole lot more.

I have zero regrets about not allowing access to adult rated games and tv until they were adults. THAT I would definitely do again.

Totally agree with this post. There are far too many parents who do not do this early enough. Our children always knew what behaviour was expected and that both myself and DH had the same expectations so there was no point in trying to play us off against each other.

Tell them you love them all the time, many times a day. My teens still say it to me daily.

I was genuinely happy to see my kids at school pick up. I felt so sad for those that looked so grumpy to pick up their kids.

but I was always careful not to tell them I’d missed them. I didn’t want a young child to
think that I was sad while they were at school.

You're in the hardest part, so first up, well done!

For what it's worth, what's worked with my two lovely humans is having chores that they're responsible for (one does the dishwasher every morning and the other folds and puts away the laundry). They get their pocket money for doing it and it means I never have to!

Also, I only make one dinner and we all have the same thing, never anything beige (maybe chips twice a year, no nuggets etc though) and no fuss about vegetables. I just assume they'll like it and they do.

Teachers tell me that my children are very polite, considerate, kind etc.
I think there are two key things here: firstly, as others have said, very clear boundaries identical between parents and enforced without shouting; secondly modelling this behaviour in public by kindness to strangers and at home by kindness to family.

No devices

Mine are 13 and 10 so I might be getting ahead of myself here. They are great kids and I'm actually asked this a lot which is absurd because I feel I do very little. I echo the above.

Don't shout and scream. Calmly explain. You want their behaviour to change because they understand why, not because they're scared of you.

Make sure if you threaten to do something (discipline) you follow through. So make sure you've been rational and fair about whatever you choose to do.

Have very clear boundaries and tell them why those boundaries exist.

Don't bullshit them with lies. I tell my kids the truth about even difficult topics but in an age appropriate way .

Play boardgames together regularly .

FlatShoesOnly has said what I was going to say.
I'd add to say yes when you can and make sure your child knows they are unconditionally loved and you will always have their back.
The words you use to and with your children are powerful.

Plus luck 😂

I think your last point is important. I overhear people at the school gates very often saying "I'm going to miss you so much!" as you would to an adult and the child's confused facial expression makes me think they don't get it at all. Much better so say "I'm so happy to see you" in the afternoon.

My children are 17 and 19 and they are both lovely people- kind, thoughtful, fun to be around. Thoughts as follows-
— I think a lot of it is just them and their innate personalities. I know with parenting it feels as if you’re responsible for everything, including shaping your children’s characters, but I think a large part of character is nature rather than nurture. (Not all but a large part.). So no credit to me for them being lovely.
—-That said, nurture also counts for something. For me the absolute number 1 thing is how you act yourself (+ your partner if relevant). Model the behaviour you want to see. In particular your relationship with your partner is your child’s first pattern for relationships.
-Don’t get hung up on parenting rules- you don’t need to follow any particular way of interacting with your child. Imagine if your partner or a friend started interacting with you according to a set of rules in a book- could anything be more annoying? Relate to them as humans with their own complex minds from day 1.
-Say sorry when you fuck up.
-Don’t be in a rush to introduce phones and other tech. Model a healthy relationship with tech yourself and have family norms that you all stick to.

I always had boundaries that they were aware of and I stuck to. I insisted on good manners.

I encouraged independence from an early age. As they got older I didn't often give them lifts. If they wanted to go somewhere they had to find out how to get themselves there and back. At home they always had chores to do. All this meant when they went off to University they were fully equipped to look after themselves.

I didn't get it all right but they are decent adults and I'm proud of them now.

Pretty much this - it's easier to relax rules than attempt to reinforce.

I'm glad I held the line on water only as a drink except for juice at breakfast. Yes they have squash/lemonade as a treat, but rarely.

Mine do chores - non-negotiable. Please, thank you and tidying up after yourself (things in dishwasher etc). School is backed up 99% of the time.

A fair amount of luck. My DC range from 17 to 24 and are (now) semi-human. We did some things right (boundaries, family meal every day, etc.), but honestly I reckon sheer dumb luck has been as important as anything we did.

I think my DS is a good person, kind, sociable, funny and bright.
We loved and love him unconditionally and we talked to him all the time from a very early age. Mind you, once he started talking it was hard to stop him!
Raising him was the best time of our lives, and the most fun.

Mine are still fairly young so these are just my thoughts from observation of friends of mine.

Firstly I recommend Kate Silverton’s book ‘There’s no such thing as naughty”.
I like her approach of looking for the reasons behind bad behaviour and fixing those. Strict boundaries/naughty step type punishments can backfire if you don’t also address and try to understand what’s causing the behaviour.

Also model how you want your children to be as adults. Obviously they all have their own personalities and might end up completely different to you anyway but I think in general it’s unreasonable to expect your children to be e.g. tidy/punctual/dependable/well rounded if you’re not.