Parents of decent children - how did you do it?

[acupofteamakeseverythingbetter]

I'm a parent to a 2.5 year old and 4 month old. I'm very much in the trenches of motherhood with two little ones and with regards to parenting I don't want to mess it up.

What words of wisdom do you have to raise decent independent humans. Is there anything you would have done differently if you had the chance?

What things did you do as parents that you're proud of doing because now looking back you can see whatever you did or didn't do was worth it?

Picking one thing; Books.Read to them and make books a thing.
They both still love books now they are older teens and it really showed at school. Smart, interesting, knowledgeable. Also means they don't use screens much as they are always reading.

I don't know if I did a good job, but I would summarise good parenting as a balance between emotional regulation (nurturing/kindness etc) and socialisation. People tend to naturally lean towards one or the other and most parenting debates can be broadly put as an argument between these two poles. However, you need a balance. It's important for a child to learn that their feelings matter, but parents who lean this way tend to forget to teach the child that other people's feelings matter too or tend to prioritise feelings over duty, discipline and compulsion (see the extremes of gentle parenting for awful examples of this). In life you will have to do things you don't want to, and if you feel your feelings are the only important thing in life you may become an insufferable entitled melodramatic person. At the other end of the scale, some parents are so focused on good behaviour, conformity, discipline etc that they forget that feelings and relationship are important and these either get punished or repressed (or both).

So in a nutshell, I would say be a strong leader, lead by example, have rules, boundaries, values and expectations and be empathic (attentive to your child's feelings) and kind and actually build a real relationship with your child (not a 'follow a guru or the latest parenting trend' kind of fake relationship). This may involve working on your own blind spots and emotional dysregulation and being prepared to get it wrong (over and over and over again!).

I genuinely have no idea how I did it. I just loved them. Honestly I feel like it’s more by luck than judgement that they turned out so well.

I really enjoyed every stage of them. Maybe that was it.

A fair amount of luck. My DC range from 17 to 24 and are (now) semi-human. We did some things right (boundaries, family meal every day, etc.), but honestly I reckon sheer dumb luck has been as important as anything we did.

I agree with this. It’s a lot easier to be an easy going, tolerant parent when the children are easy going and cooperative.
Thos who say it is entirely down to parenting as to how children turn out, then how do they account for a family in which two or three of the children are fine and one proves difficult and challenging?
My father was far too strict and intolerant and for me ‘a negative example can be a powerful tool’. I have made sure I have never treated my dc like he treated us as I hated it.

I think a thing that helps is getting a grip on your own insecurities rather than passing them on. Not saying you're not allowed to have them- we all do- but identifying them so that you're aware when you feel the urge to let them play out on your children.

My mum is an insecure person and often growing up it felt like we were a canvas for her insecurities. For example, she was very insecure about weight (despite being slim, as we also were) and so was very controlling around food and mealtimes were fraught- if you took too much she would get very anxious and critical. And this then affects the children.

Just having a bit of awareness- eg for my mum it would be "I am someone who worries about weight gain and that makes me anxious around food"- can be enough to avoid passing this stuff on. You don't have to be perfect but it's worth doing a bit of work on yourself to break the chain.

I'm an easy going and tolerant person and this was the only way I could parent.
My dc have different personalities but they're all quite calm generally.
They get angry and frustrated of course but I still parent in the only way I know how.
I don't know if my dc are naturally calm or are calm because of my parenting.

I’d say looking back that at such a young age, the little things aren’t nearly as important as you think at the time. I learned to relax around things like screens and sugar and allow them to learn to self regulate which they do. A big thing for us was that we stressed the importance of meeting your obligations. You go to school every day, do your homework, if you have a training session, you turn up and don’t make excuses. Lots of sport and extra curriculars from a young age. I suppose we go by a version of “strict on yourself but tolerant of others”. Both are teens now, super fit and healthy and very involved in the community and have made lots of friends outside school which is great. It’s easy for it to go a bit wonky in the early teens but you just have to keep an eye on their friends and trust that you’ve raised them to be good people and make the right decisions.

I used the naughty step at a rather young age-18m-2years. And I taught DD to always say please and thank you. I think kids are different though and however well you try sometimes things just happen

Church.

Start as you mean to go on. Don't put up with shit when they're little that you wouldn't tolerate from a teenager. Yeah it's funny when this teeny little person is trying to punch you in the knee because they want something but it's not funny when they're 12 and as big as you.

Respect. My kids would not talk to me the way I read about from some posters here. I wouldn't put up with it. My child tells me to fuck off, they will be the ones fucking off. Fucking off to their rooms with a smacked backside and no phone until they learn some respect. But I've never had to do that with 3 of them because that boundary was set from day one.

Don't be wishy washy with consequences. No phone for a day isn't a big deterrent. No phone for a week is more inconvenient and they won't push me if they think their social life is about to go down the pan.

Never threaten anything you can't or won't follow through. And never give second chances. My sister does my head in with this. 'I'll take your ipad if you kick your sister again.' Kicks sister again. She goes to take it, he kicks off and she goes 'well behave then.' And backs off.

No! Fucking get it off him. You literally just told him what would happen and he did it anyway. As a result her son listens to nothing she says and his attitude is disgusting.

If I say I'll do something, I do it. So don't threaten stuff like Santa's not coming now, because there is no way you'll follow through with that. If you say grounded for 2 weeks, stick to it, no matter how much they irritate you and whinge. So now a warning is enough.

They have called my bluff only once when I threatened to sell the PlayStation because they were a nightmare to get off it at dinner time. It took them a good hour to get over the shock. They were gobsmacked. But never refused to come off a screen again.

I'm sure I'm not a perfect parent but they're well adjusted, polite, respectful and happy, confident kids. I'll take that.

Also, have fun with them. Don't be too self conscious to roar like a dinosaur and chase them through soft play.

Sod the mess. Who cares if they get paint on their clothes. Buy washable paint. Invest in some huge plastic backed dust sheets for the slime making age and just get in there with them.

Do fun stuff even if it makes you nervous. Let them climb the tree, ride a horse, jump in the sea. Make it as safe as you can of course but you only live once.