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Parents of decent children - how did you do it?

161 replies

acupofteamakeseverythingbetter · 13/11/2024 08:29

I'm a parent to a 2.5 year old and 4 month old. I'm very much in the trenches of motherhood with two little ones and with regards to parenting I don't want to mess it up.

What words of wisdom do you have to raise decent independent humans. Is there anything you would have done differently if you had the chance?

What things did you do as parents that you're proud of doing because now looking back you can see whatever you did or didn't do was worth it?

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ILiveInSalemsLot · 13/11/2024 11:19

I have teen dcs, one is at university.
They're mainly pleasant, helpful and productive
I've tried to give my dc an old fashioned childhood as much as possible and am another parent that has never punished.

I've focused on the following -

  • Lots of outdoor time. We were out walking in all weathers. Playing with balls, frisbees and gliders and cycling in good weather.
  • mainly healthy food. Most meals are home cooked as well as snacks. We do eat takeaways and junk from time to time but 80-90% of the time, it's healthy.
  • books and education. Research shows that reading stories makes kids more empathetic.
I've always done some extra work with dcs. This wasn't done to be pushy but to make sure they went to school happy knowing that they understood the work and were doing well. This helped their confidence too.
  • chores. This helps with self esteem as well as lots of other benefits.
  • limited screen time. Screens are for down time when everything else is done. I have a no gaming rule for the school nights and until GCSEs, phone use was monitored too.

I agree with lots of the comments here. I make myself available as much as I can but I've also stuck to boundaries like not to disturb me if I'm talking on the phone, in the bathroom or having a quiet moment.
I've feigned interest in the dullest of topics. My dc thought I loved talking about minecraft, dinosaurs and cats and watching the same film a thousand times.
Now they're older, we watch stuff we all enjoy together.

MayaPinion · 13/11/2024 11:21

Firm boundaries in terms of values and things like bedtime, and how you deal with poor behaviour - and consistency.

However, if they want to try something new, stop doing something, go somewhere, etc. default to Yes if you can. Obviously if they want to jump off a cliff onto a spike you say no, but if they want to try ballet and football and piano and gymnastics and judo, etc. let them try it all. Some they’ll give up after a class or two, some they’ll stick at for months or a few years, and if you’re lucky one or two might become passions.

These passions will give them friends, self-confidence, self belief, healthy habits, discipline and courage - they also won’t have the time or interest in hanging around street corners or in parks. Over time it may also give them expertise and qualifications (and perhaps even work) alongside their school. If they go away to uni they have a ready made set of friends when they join the club there.

This is a particularly good tip if your kids don’t fit into the sporty stereotypes at school which favors tall and strong children. Mine are little and bendy, and if they hadn’t gone to outside clubs they’d have gone through school thinking they were rubbish at sport. Instead they are national medalists and black belt holders.

I wish I’d have trained them to tidy up better!

Chocolatesnowman2 · 13/11/2024 11:22

I raised 4
2 have autism
They are all absolutely lovely people, excellent exam results,great jobs and qualifications..not in to social media so no iffy photos anywhere ,no smoking or drinking or anything under age ..two are in long term relationships in their own homes.
Mainly,I listened to them ,I took them seriously,their opinions always counted.
Two couldn't cope with school ,so I didn't force them to go ,I worked with what they could cope with ,and found alternative education that worked for them.
Boundaries at home were respectful of each others space , knocking before going in anyone's bedroom,zero tolerance to hurting each other ,so no smacking from parents,no shouting.
If they wanted to do something,I assumed they were ready to do it I rarely said no , .I always had their back ,if there were problems at school ,i was there , sorting it out .I always believed them ,i always put them first .
I wouldn't change any of how I brought them up ..
They were used to being respected at home ,so demanded the same from relationships when older ..I am very proud of all of them

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halfpastten · 13/11/2024 11:24

The most important thing is the behaviour you model. The kids who got into drugs I've observed tend to have parents who modeled either addictions themselves or were middle class professionals who modeled that it was cool to have the odd joint. (Yes maybe fine for the adult brain but a massive danger for the evolving teenage brain).
So what to model: being truthful - following through on what you promise, answering their questions/treating them with respect, being reliable, being curious about the world (reading books, going to the library), fitness and health, compassion, a sense of humour and not taking things too seriously.
What would I do differently - I'd ban smartphones!

Entertainmentcentral · 13/11/2024 11:26

Explain why you're doing something. Don't leave them wondering, whether it's a consequence or whatever.

Don't impose preferences or sanctions that leave them howling with rage. Protest, yes, but don't give them a sense of their powerlessness. They need to feel their decisions matter.

Don't go soft on consequences of unkindness. If they've bashed someone and the person is hurting, they can't run off. They have to witness the consequences and experience a bit of the righteous indignation you would have for then in if the tables were turned.

Encourage whatever bent for diligence and kindness they have. If they like pets, watch pet rescue and discuss how/why the animals came to be in that state. Discuss what changes they'd make it they were in charge. Discuss the good causes people might fight for. Create a link between independence, power, justice and kindness.

Encourage a vocation, but don't hold them to it.

Avoid addictive habits. These curtail the development of other skills, rewards and conscience. Same for food.

Read. Stop and talk about why characters make choices. Get into the habit of drawing a line between bad decisions and hurt/fear/greed and discuss the consequences. Admire admirable behaviour.

Nurture relationships with role models.

Tell stories of heroes and discuss what it may have felt like to carry that out. Recognise that goodness doesn't feel fun at the time. It feels like sacrifice or endurance.

Don't impose your moral preferences on them before they're developmentally ready. A child too small to share will not learn to share by being forced before they understand it. They will learn be being obliged to reciprocate when they can understand what they're doing.

Watch what conversation they overheard. Decent children overhear kind, decent adults.

Treat them decently.

Invest time. Decent people know they are valuable and worth spending time with. They don't need to act out to get attention.

Accept that decency looks like many different things. There are very courteous people, very cantankerous people, people who are not terribly agreeable, very non relational people - all or none may be decent. A well behaved people pleaser may look decent but you want to aim for a decent version of themselves so don't censor them to fit your ideas.

No such thing as perfection. Model growth.

Apologise if necessary. It's the decent thing to do.

Prioritise values you'd like them to have as a family. Whether that's volunteering, donating, investing time, watching documentaries and learning, celebrating key events that are correcting injustice.

Introduce empathy at the earliest stage by modeling it and then talking about it. Give emotions language so it can be processed without judgement. Being angry is fine. Yelling is helpful to no one. A lot of decency is self regulation or knowing what to do while waiting for self regulation.

Decency is easier for a child who is not struggling just to survive and get basic needs met. A child who is frightened, bullied, scorned, exhausted, bewildered is not in a good place to develop a moral compass. Ultimately it might lead them to a kind adulthood of course but you're aiming for an adult who grew up well because of their childhood not despite it.

Recognise their time is valuable and their thoughts matter. Encourage interests. Excessive amounts of time with no direction and screens won't produce a person who has a sense of their worth or how much they're needed.

Introduce tasks that require diligence and duty an a very early stage. Point out how these are kind habits. If possible make these consistent with their interests. I had a child who loved dusting. Another who loved feeding the dog. The point is that life must contain the rituals of love.

Answer their questions carefully. They're listening.

Admire volunteers, not rich people.

Encourage them to self identify as strong and kind. Tell them. Tell others. One of my children was going through an experience that made him very very frightened. One day he pointed out that something near the aga was smoking. I got him a hero trophy because he had saved the house from burning down. He loved being a hero stuff grew in confidence.

Laugh. It's so important. You're aiming to demonstrate why the norm - a stable, meaningful, worthwhile life - is ultimately worth it. It needs to be the normal that feels familiar and right, albeit with frequent learning, rupture and repair.

Be uncompromising with penalties for unkind behaviour. Never punish to the point of fear or excessive frustration, just show it's a bloody big deal. Unlike the time they scored an own goal, cut their own hair or drew on the walls with a lipstick. Those are not important.

Every now and again we all do something horrifying. A child brought up carefully will probably be appalled at what this says about them. As much as you make a big deal of it, make it very clear from the outset that this hasn't altered your perception of them. That's not going to change. You already know its not something they'd want to repeat. Part of being decent is not writing yourself off as a hopeless case. It helps no one. No one lives well out of a sense of shame.

Tyvfghjifc · 13/11/2024 11:27

Talking talking and more talking. Firm when needed. Lots of going out parks and walks and ball puts etc. 16 and 18 now and I'm happy and proud and tell them. only little occasional bumps in road and only lasted a few hours.

Losingmymind85 · 13/11/2024 11:28

DD is approaching the pre-teen years and is a wonderful human,
I think the biggest thing for us is unwavering love and firm, fair and consistent boundaries. DD knows she is loved and is part of a family team that are all playing for the same side. We treat each other with respect, we laugh a lot and we know that everyone has each others backs. Its created a lovely ecosystem where we're all supportive but challenge poor behaviours/choices respectfully. Few conversations are off limits and DD knows her perspective is valued, even if not agreed with. Consequences to behaviour are sensible, there's no shouting. Everything is generally very calm. It's a world away from the house I grew up in. My parents did their best and I know I was loved, but that house was horrible.
What would I do differently? I echo PP on the importance of getting them to do things for themselves and chores. We're rubbish at this and it's really coming to bite us in the bum now. She also is very focused on screens and while I limit this, I am guilty of taking the path of lease resistance top often.
I think we're in for stroppy teen years but I really hope that the foundations we've built means she'll circle back around after becoming a demon..

CurlewKate · 13/11/2024 11:37

Oh, and I think it's important to run a family as if it's a community. Everyone has jobs to do and is kind and considerate to everyone else. And says please and thank you. Seeing your parents treat each other with courtesy and consideration is such a powerful image for children.

spiderlight · 13/11/2024 11:40

Kindness. Model how you want them to behave. Apologise when you get it wrong. Don't punish emotion, because they can't control it - I have a very vivid memory from my old childhood of crying uncontrollably while my mum shouted 'Stop crying!', and wishing she would realise that I genuinely couldn't, and being so scared in that moment. That stuck with me and I've always tried to parent accordingly and help him to calm down rather than punishing 'tantrums', although it was challenging with a very sensitive, emotional child.

I was very strict on manners, prompting 'Please' and 'Thank you' every single time, even when it felt like I was wasting my time, but now as a teenager his manners are impeccable and we get loads of positive comments about them.

caringcarer · 13/11/2024 12:34

I was strict with my 3 DC and foster son. As adults none of them smoke, vape, abuse alcohol or drugs. All are kind and caring adults. I didn't give them phones until 16 except to borrow a brick phone when they went out to text or ring when they wanted collecting. I always spent a lot of time with each DC and got involved in their hobbies. Each DC learned to swim well. Each DC did 3 or 4 hobbies/activities and I got each DC involved in an outside sport. No gaming until over 14 and a maximum of 1 hour a day as part of their screen time. They might have moaned a bit at the time but now they look back and say they had lovely childhoods. We went out a lot bike riding, visits to the beach etc. As a family we played board games one evening a week and had a movie evening which we all took turns to choose a film. More importantly to me my DC remain close as adults. My younger DS drives 200 miles to visit his brother a couple of times each year and elder DS reciprocates. Younger DS recently took time off from work to care for foster brother for 2 weeks whilst DH and I went on holiday alone. DD and family are coming on holiday with DH, foster son and me next summer.

caringcarer · 13/11/2024 12:36

My Mum used to say 'families that play together stay together. Get involved in their hobbies and activities.

mondaytosunday · 13/11/2024 12:45

Model it yourself. Listen. Listen. Listen. Do not talk at them, and believe them when they say their head hurts or they don't like so and so. Don't force them to do things that will embarrass them, and don't embarrass them yourself (do not tease them in front of others).
Be present (not on your phone).
But good behaviour is learned by seeing how you behave.

ChocHotolate · 13/11/2024 12:53

I absolutely insisted on manners and politeness at every point. They now say please and thank you as a reflex which is always noted by others.
I’ve seen some parents on here say that they want their children to choose whether to say please or thank you to a grown up. Manners cost nothing but are noticed even if they are not commented on

RaraRachael · 13/11/2024 12:56

Mine are in their 30s now and I think I did a pretty good job of bringing them up as neither has been any bother. I did it largely on my own as OH was only interested in his business, came home at 8, ate dinner and fell asleep in a chair while I did everything around the house, homework, clubs, hobbies etc as well as working full time.

I had strict boundaries and if I made a threat, I carried through with it. They still laugh at being allowed sweets on a Wednesday and Saturday - they knew not to ask outwith these times as the answer was No. Just little things like that.

My daughter thanked me for how I'd brought them up and had done interesting things with them at weekends.

I think it's harder nowadays with shit like Tik Tok but I'd just have to be firm.

JasmineTea11 · 13/11/2024 13:05

Talk to them. Teach them to respect others, and to have some emotional self sufficiency.

ThisGreatHazelKoala · 13/11/2024 13:10

I credit our wider family with a lot. My parents spent a lot of time with them and were strict when it was needed but very loving and kind. Cousins and aunts and uncles told them off when they needed it and spent time playing with them and teaching them games and sports.

The family is a priority for us all and I hope it has taught them to be kind and patient to people who need it because they are older and frailer or younger and still learning.

taxguru · 13/11/2024 13:15

ChocHotolate · 13/11/2024 12:53

I absolutely insisted on manners and politeness at every point. They now say please and thank you as a reflex which is always noted by others.
I’ve seen some parents on here say that they want their children to choose whether to say please or thank you to a grown up. Manners cost nothing but are noticed even if they are not commented on

Same here. We were always polite within the family anyway, always saying please and thank you between ourselves and with family/friends, in shops, etc., so son was brought up surrounded by manners and politeness and didn't really need much prompting as he saw it all around him, opening doors for people, letting others go first, etc etc. It was/is just an automatic way of life.

We didn't tolerate any kind of "grumpiness", such as grunting when we asked him a question or him not answering. Also encouraging/forcing him to talk in sentences rather than "yes/no" answers right from when he started talking really. Also the importance of smiling and eye contact when greeting/meeting people, even strangers. Again, it's what we do, so he saw us do it all the time, so much easier to "encourage" children to follow your behaviour rather than expecting them to behave differently!

Waffle19 · 13/11/2024 13:25

These are all great tips but do make me feel a bit of a bad parent as I’ve been too shouty recently (having up until this point really tried to go down the firm boundary, gentle parenting type route). This thread has given me a kickstart to be a better parent again so thank you!

Lyannaa · 13/11/2024 14:17

One thing I forgot! Don't expect your children to do things that you, yourself can't.

MrsAvocet · 13/11/2024 15:25

I think it's about balance.
Be involved, but not over invested in their activities.There's a happy medium between being the "drop and run" parent and the one who is breathing down their necks all the time.
Don't be afraid to say no, but equally be open to saying yes. I've met parents who seem incapable of ever saying no to their children but also those whose default position is always no even when there's no real reason. Children do need to learn that they can't have their way all of the time but I think they should also have some autonomy and have some say in what happens in the family. Their needs should always come first but not always, their wants.
Be firm and consistent over big things but don't sweat the small stuff.
Accept you will make mistakes and admit it when you do.
Model the behaviour you want your children to demonstrate.
Talk to each other - and listen. And use age appropriate language. I've noticed a lot of parents giving overly complex explanations to very small children recently, when "Don't do that, it will hurt. Oh look, there's a squirrel in that tree" would be much more effective!
Eat together at the table as much as possible, with no tv or phones.
Don't compare yourself, or your children to others too much. Comparison really is the thief of joy.

socks1107 · 13/11/2024 15:57

Mine have turned out pretty well rounded. There have been several factors. I've always ensured manners and kindness and honesty have been integral to their upbringing. I've ensured they have had social opportunities, clubs, parties and activities at school without forcing them either but making sure I supported. I always let mine follow the latest trend - moshi monsters, clothes and age appropriate gadgets, they were never ever made to feel like the outcast. They weren't spoilt I was a single mum on a part time wage for years, but I did what I could.
I spent time with them, days out every weekend even if it was just the park or a walk to Asda but we always always went out.
And now they are older I make sure each month we have a hot chocolate out, or a quick spin to the shops together. I've always made time for them.
I tell them every day I love them and always tell them they look nice for uni or social events.
Both mine work, are at uni, help at home and most of the time a pleasure to be around they have their moments like all of us but have never broken the law, never rude to others and are trust worthy happy young ladies

NewNameNoelle · 13/11/2024 16:03

Be their parent, not their best friend.

Clear boundaries when needed

Always follow through

Lots of praise and support

Help them to solve their own problems

Give them the tools for independence but the confidence that you’re always there if they need you.

Fraudornot · 13/11/2024 16:12

Lots of love and laughter in the house - particularly laughter during the teenage years. But sparked by a few threads on here recently, we fostered strong relationships with both sets of grandparents so that they had quite an array of really good people around them that they looked up to and knew loved them and therefore wouldn't want to let down by negative behaviours. I dspair on here when I see so many dil not fostering that relationship with the 'opposite side'. It pays so many dividends in the long run.

fragglerockless · 13/11/2024 16:12

I would say allow them the space to make mistakes and learn from the consequences. My step-child is an only child and all their life has had things fixed for them. They are a young teenager now and very much lacking in being independent, responsible and having ability to think for themselves as they have never had to.

ViciousCurrentBun · 13/11/2024 16:30

My DS is 23, we were relatively strict compared to some but not totally dictatorial. He was given boundaries and I encouraged him to get a job. He got a paper round at 13. He was taught how to cook and do chores by us. I encouraged the friendships with the children I liked. Our family experienced an awful time when he was 12 as his sister died so he actually developed what I can only describe as a very caring mature attitude that was beyond his years. He joined air cadets at 15 and started dating a wonderful girl from his squad about 2 years later and they are still together.

I am currently unwell, DS was on leave yesterday I had an early physio appointment yesterday, when I got home, he still lives with us, he had tidied up and cleaned the kitchen.

He has met many of our friends and colleagues as we always had many people round and he enjoyed talking to them. We were the parents that had the post GCSE and A level parties at our house.

The one slight oddity is he and I game together on our games consoles sometimes.

He told me a couple of years ago that he had a lovely childhood.

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