Parents of decent children - how did you do it?

[acupofteamakeseverythingbetter]

I'm a parent to a 2.5 year old and 4 month old. I'm very much in the trenches of motherhood with two little ones and with regards to parenting I don't want to mess it up.

What words of wisdom do you have to raise decent independent humans. Is there anything you would have done differently if you had the chance?

What things did you do as parents that you're proud of doing because now looking back you can see whatever you did or didn't do was worth it?

I'm glad you said this. I think there is a lot of luck too

Having a happy loving warm home life for them. Fully engaged parent(s) who prioritise them. You can be a single parent or you can be two parents raising dc together, either way parents need to be engaged, available, loving, nurturing. Open and honest conversations. They see the sort of people we want them to become modelled in how we behave with good healthy boundaries and not taking shit off people who are behaving badly.

And then I think it’s having high expectations for how they treat others, how they are out in the world. One of their friends might be acting like a twat, but I will point out their good behaviour. If a friend gets in trouble at school and they bring it up, we talk about it and what they should have done differently. High expectations of friends and friends parents. I don’t let them go and spend time with kids who are unkind or kicking off all the time, and I don’t let them go to people’s houses where I have concerns about behaviour or poor parenting (though their friends, if they are lovely, are welcome to ours).

It’s just about making sure they know what to expect and that you are proud of their good behaviour, their kindness, their looking out for other people. My eldest won the class award for citizenship, caring and looking out for her community at the end of Y6, and it was truly my proudest moment as a parent. 😂 I’ve worked hard to reinforce being good to others and also looking out for people (we’ve had to make the safeguarding reports about a good friend of hers who has an abusive parent and she’s been interviewed during the investigation, and I was really proud of how thoughtful she was and how brave for speaking up, that’s the kind of behaviour I try to instill in her).

Agree with the early firm boundaries and consistency. I reckon if you can crack it in the early years it gives a better basis for coping with the teen years. General principle of explaining when they are younger, but they also need to accept “because I said so!” as there are times it can keep them safe, plus small kids get bored with long explanations for everything.
Happy to shout occasionally at a teenager, as they then know you are seriously cross if you’re usually reasonable. My kids would get an “oh shit, she’s really cross!” look on their face.😁
DH could produce a look on his face that had the same effect.
And they have turned into lovely, grown up sons we are close to.

Exactly this. I came on to say this almost exactly.
The only thing I would add is remember that that you were young once too - helps to explain some of the more idiotic things that they do as teenagers....still be firm but think I did something like (or worse than) that....

Just arrived at work so haven't RTFT, but I think my answer isn't necessarily in line with the others.

Most people are decent. If your child is growing up with loving parents in a stable, happy home then they're overwhelmingly likely to be decent. The very fact that you're asking the question means it's likely you're a good parent imo.

They might be a different version of decent to you, or they might make choices you wouldn't have envisioned or wished for, but they'll be ok.

You're in a really tough stage now, you just have to dig in and do your best and then it will get easier as they get older.

A lot of it is nature not nurture.

If your child is born (for example) with severe ASD and is non verbal then you are going to have to be an amazing parent just to get them to a place where most kids start from.

If your child is born anxious (and there is some evidence that some children are more anxious than others) then they will need reassurance and love much more than a different child.

It's not a simple as "there is one way to produce a good adult". You have to respond to the child you have.

I think the thing I'm proudest of is the work I did on my children's relationship with each other. If you have any time to read at all(you probably don't) can I recommend How Not to be a Perfect Family by Libby Purves. It's very easy to read, and talks a lot about family dynamics and siblings.I learned a lot from her.

IMHO, good parenting involves the following -

kind
caring
consistent
predictable
firm where necessary
safety first
no shouting / smacking
actions and consequences, not arbitrary punishments
support child's friendships, hobbies and education
model good behaviour eg respect for their partner

Hi OP. Tips from me with two grown up children who I think are well rounded adults. 1) set clear rules and boundaries and stick to them. This includes doing their fair share of support around the house even from a young age. 2) Punish but do not get mad. As adults my children have very clear memories of the times I got angry and shouted a lot. I do not beat myself up about this, but I am conscious that little minds see things as much bigger than adults do and these things stay with them as adults 3) Take time out. Being a parent is challenging. You need to make sure that you take time out. Make sure that DCs have contact with lots of good adults besides you. In honesty I have never felt as tired as I did sometimes with small DCs so be kind to yourself.

Start early. Read to them. Meal times at the table. TV off. Chatty times. Manners. 'It's not I want, it's could I have please' and the follow-up may be 'thank you for asking so politely but the answer is still no.' Let them know that if they ask, they may not get the answer they want. A great lesson in life! Asking them to say please or thank you Every. Single. Bloody. Time when they were toddlers seemed like an endless effort, but eventually paid off.
Routines. Boundaries. Let them choose the music to have on at dinner. Give them an easy choice for food so they think they've got an input.
When they push boundaries apply punishments if necessary, appropriate to age. Follow threats through (no cutting off your own nose though, and deffo not 'Santa won't visit' because, well...). Strict and firm but fair. And consistent. No mixed messages. House rules. Discuss with other parent/GPs or caregivers what the rules are, and to ensure these are upheld. No 'mum says, dad says'.
Remove dangers from playing space, so that you're not having to say no all the time.
Engage with them (phone down). Play games, board games, card games, games to make them feel clever.
Encourage. Applaud. Champion.
Go for walks. Evening stroll, look for cats, collect things.
Be gentle to baby dolls, teddies etc. Tidy up time. Make it a game. Always encourage that they help. Help put toys back together so they are complete for next time. Thank them for helping.
Go with their imagination. Be nice. Be kind. Be funny. Make 'em laugh. Laugh with them.
Talk to them. Let them talk (phone down). Listen to them. Communicate. Ask. Understand.
Setting things in place in the early years is fundamental to their development.
I have two wonderful adult sons who are funny, intelligent (not necessarily academic), kind, in touch with emotions, engaging, interested, interesting.
At times they weren't perfect (teens) but all rules above were on rinse and repeat, and they eventually came out the other side.
It's bloody hard work OP, but worth all the effort. Remember, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I agree with another Poster about starting stricter and then letting go a bit rather than vice versa.
I don't claim to have perfect kids but most people we know comment on how both (now 18 and 15) are a credit to us.

United parents so they can't play one off against the other (they will have a good try)
Clear tight boundaries
Always follow through on threatened sanctions, so word them carefully

Always make time to listen to what they have to say
They're much nicer people if they have a regular routine and a decent nights sleep.
When they were little and if they were being taken out somewhere we would have a chat about behaviour and expectations before we went. It was mainly listen and do as you're told, remember your manners, eat your food up and chat away to everyone else don't have a hissy fit.
I did find that very dear friends fell by the wayside after the DC were born because they had different ways of doing it, but we found our "tribe" along the way. DD now 29 and 30.
My DH and I still get compliments about our lovely girls and it honestly makes us so proud. Whatever else I've screwed up in in my life, I've done a good job of raising my kids.
Oh and it takes a village to raise a child, I realise that now. It's a fine line, but you need other people to tell them the same as you over behaviour expectations. None of this "I'm his mother I'm the only one allowed to tell him off" stuff basically. That way really doesn't work and leads to them manipulating you.

So much of what they do is copied from the adults so always bear that in mind before you swear

I'm still too early on to give any sound advice, but I've always had really frank conversations with mine and talk to my teenager about not being a dick, it's a bit of a joke for us but I personally think a personal mantra of not being a dick is pretty sound, one that teenagers can benefit from being reminded of.

I don't treat my teen differently because he's a teen, I don't excuse dick-ish behaviour like stropping or slamming doors, god help him if he tried to swear at me, I have the same expectations of respect from teens as I do adults. It's how I was raised, it worked well for my parents and on track with mine...so far...

Oh yes I agree United parents is a really good one, and helps with that respect issue, when they see the adults in the house respecting each other it's easier to expect them to model.

Are these posts from parents who work full time -often with a commute???

Some great tips above.

One tip is to be there for them. . So when they want to talk, sit down and listen. You may be missing the last ever episode of Brigerton, but your child is more important.

As others have said boundaries, whether thus behaviour, language, screen time etc.

Not one model fits all - siblings have different personalities.

These are all really helpful. Thank you for taking the time to reply everyone.

I think I'm doing well in some aspects but failing in other areas. We sit at the table for our mealtimes (even though DH sits on the sofa) DS puts his rubbish in the bin and bowls/plates in the sink. I feel like I'm having to remind him all the time to say please and thank you but I know eventually it will pay off if I carry on sticking to it and model it with myself.

My DM always says to leave the toys and she'll tidy once we've left when we visit but I always make a point of tidying before we leave and now DS tidies the toys away without me having to ask.

I also involve him in the kitchen and he likes to help prepare meals from his learning tower. A lot of raised eyebrows when we first bought it but I want him to be capable and independent. because to be honest, i feel like an inadequate adult because i was never involved in household chores. i guess because it would have taken too long

I am massively failing on the tech front and I've used this far too much recently since DS2 came along and I've given in when trying to get him down for naps but I can be more strict in this area.

I talk to him all the time and am always visibly happy to see him so he can see how much he's loved. Having said all that we definitely are going through the "terrible twos" and I do sometimes find some days really tough and wonder if I'm just doing a terrible job tbh but other days are much easier.

It's clear to see already that he does well with clear boundaries and expectations so I'll stick to that even though sometimes it's easier to give in

Praise, praise, praise

It’s easy to fall into the trap of always telling someone off. However, if they do something nice, praise them. It can be something simple as a good drawing, sitting watching tv nicely, waiting patiently while you do something.

I did teacher training years ago, and a phrase I remember is ‘Catch them being good’.

I've got young adults whom everyone likes and they never really put a foot wrong. One is a university student and the other is doing a vocational course where she's very popular and they would like her to work there afterwards. Please remember that no parent is perfect though.

I've never punished my kids. I listen to them, I treat them as equals. I also never set them against each other or compare them with each other or to other people.

I was very firm about issues such as not hurting other people and they've grown up to be non-judgemental and politically engaged.

Also it's important to pick your battles. I don't believe that authoritarian parenting is the best way. Your children don't end up respecting you if you do that.

Yes lots of praise at the minute when he's being gentle with his baby brother because he went through a stage of hitting, and still sometimes does, it's such a struggle. I praise him when he does something like putting rubbish in the bin but don't overly fuss, because it's just something he should do without expecting a pat on the back so to speak. But i don't know

What would I do differently? I would encourage them from a younger age to be able to do practical tasks by themselves.

Ooops posted too soon!

I don't know if that's the right thing to do or not. I'm basically just winging it and hoping for the best because i haven't done this before so it's great to hear from others who are out there other side

Hard work and a lot of luck.

@acupofteamakeseverythingbetter "We sit at the table for our mealtimes (even though DH sits on the sofa)"

I don't want to sound picky-but why? It's important that both parents are involved as much as possible in family life- chat round the dinner table whenever possible is important. And remember that your partner is modelling for his children what a good man and a good father looks like...