Parents of decent children - how did you do it?

[acupofteamakeseverythingbetter]

I'm a parent to a 2.5 year old and 4 month old. I'm very much in the trenches of motherhood with two little ones and with regards to parenting I don't want to mess it up.

What words of wisdom do you have to raise decent independent humans. Is there anything you would have done differently if you had the chance?

What things did you do as parents that you're proud of doing because now looking back you can see whatever you did or didn't do was worth it?

Absolutely- this is what I want for my boys. I want them to be practical and capable because I'm really not and I hate that I'm so inadequate in some things

Just lots of positivity, teaching them kindness, showing them love, praise and balancing that with firm but fair "no" and not spoiling with money and gifts. It's worked for us

Say what you mean and mean what you say. This goes for both yes and no.

If you really don’t want them to do something ie an iPad when out to dinner, don’t entertain it at all. A small tantrum when you say no the first time is much easier to deal with than a big one later down the line when you’ve not set clear boundaries.

Spend quality uninterrupted time with them individually as well as together.

Remember that they understand and are more capable than most people give them credit for. For example, it’s perfectly reasonable to expect a 3 year old to put their plate in the dishwasher, put their own shoes away, carry their own backpack to walk to nursery. Instilling personal responsibility (and feeling capable) is something I felt was important to instil at an early age. Great for their self esteem and can do attitude later on!

What would I do differently? I would encourage them from a younger age to be able to do practical tasks by themselves.

Yes and this, which again comes back to respect, respecting the people you live with and being a good co-habitee!

I completely agree and have asked plenty of times for him to sit with us at mealtimes but he prefers to sit and watch tv or be on his phone. This is an issue for me to be honest because mealtimes are a time to sit together and chat as a family and to model that is important. I just have to do it myself but I will raise the issue with him again.

He is great in other ways, cooks dinner, takes DS food shopping, out to the park, gives him a bath puts him to bed but I agree that it's important we're both setting good examples

Set boundaries and rules and stick to them (except if exceptional reason not to). Teach manners (however old fashioned others around you find it). When in your home expect their friends to abide by your standards too (when they are older). Set expectations that your kids abide by your standards if they go elsewhere if a lower standard applies in those households.

Have you heard the expression "children grow up in spite of their parents, not because of them?"

It's true! I have 5 adults. Eldest dd very well balanced, easy, a credit.
Ds1 - lot of problems during teen years. Is quite critical of the way he was raised and is reversing everything with his own dd
Ds2 is disabled and is very smiley, happy and content i would say.
Ds 3 - another anxious personality but he is a credit, has done well in higher education, works hard.
Dd2 just 17 has also had a few teen problems.

The cruellest thing i think about being a parent is you never really know how you did until they're adult and it's all too late!!

So - fwiw - be present, be in tune. Do things together when they are little but be ready to let go as they grow. Try not to be critical and always be open to listen to them and value them.

But - don't beat yourself up - i am certain genetics plays more of a role than we might know. Which fits with the idea at the top of my thread!

Also taking care of their emotions and acknowledging how they feel 'I know you're sad, I know you're angry'. and letting them know that 'negative' emotions are ok to have but also how to deal with them in a healthy way.

I had a mother who told me I had no right to feel this way or that way. I was determined to not do that to my kids.

My children have children of their own now.They are both very decent adults. They were brought up with boundaries and consistency. Never let them play off one parent against another (easier if you’re together of course) otherwise they’ll sense weakness! Do not accept rudeness at any age (if teens can be nice to their friends then they know how to behave). Model respect for each other (and if they have a decent father/male figure who can be a role model that helps enormously).

Oh one more thing, make them help around the house. I wish I had!

Parent first, friend second

Teach them that the world doesn't revolve around them, but that they are the most important thing to you

Let them know they can talk to you.

Be interested in their daily lives (more applicable as they get older and are away from you more)

It's been much less straightforward than I expected/intended but I'm proud of how mine have turned out so far. (Ages 19 and 10).

A few soundbites.

You have to be prepared to parent the child you have, not the one you thought you ought to have. (Heard that here on mumsnet and it's so so true.) My eldest had late diagnosed ASD and ADHD and a lot of the usual parenting measures were not a good fit because he was impulsive rather than "naughty".

Boundaries are so important. Some people will consider your boundaries too strict but children actually need them to feel safe and secure. Some of my boundaries were seen as pointless fluff by others, such as minimal good manners (please, thank you, excuse me) but stuff like that is a great asset to them when they get to school and then start work etc. The children who have never been told no or are rude to their teachers and friends can really struggle with those social expectations.

You need to be "on their team" and let them know you are on their team. That doesn't mean saying yes to whatever they want but rather actively helping them to achieve what is best and right for them, even if it's a fight (see earlier ref to getting diagnoses). It also means understanding, acknowledging and supporting what's important to them, if it's reasonable to do so, even if it's not important or interesting to you.

Respecting their autonomy as separate individuals rather than smaller versions/extensions of their parents like mine did. So, acknowledging their thoughts, feelings and wishes and if the answer is no (see boundaries) at least considering if there is a compromise to propose. My eldest said recently that "being heard" was a massively important thing for him and we got this just right (high praise indeed from a teenager!) though he was sometimes annoyed that he didn't get to try some of his more risky hare brained schemes.

Lastly, be kind to yourself. You aren't perfect and won't always get it right. I didn't and still don't! There are no perfect parents out there despite how things seem on the surface.

Working full-time and commuting is not an excuse to relinquish responsibilities of being a good parent.

This resonates so much with me. I was taught to suppress my emotions as a child and even now as an adult I struggle to say how I'm truly feeling because I'm a people pleaser! I remember telling my dad I was on antidepressants and was told what have you got to be depressed about.

When my DS cries I tell him I know you're sad about XYZ then I'll ask if he needs a cuddle. He then usually collapses into me and calms down pretty quickly. I just see the looks from others and comments about him needing to not be such a baby and to toughen up so that makes me question whether I'm doing this the right way in terms of his emotional regulation. Am o setting him up to be a 'cry baby' by validating his feeling and then giving him a cuddle?

Don't get hung up on good manners and chores when it's just a form of "control"/negative interactions. I see this a lot...parents really scared they will spoil their children if they let them "get awaywith things", whether it's doing homework properly, tidying up, table manners, finishing food, please and thankyou. And then the tension fear that arises from that. Don't worry about what other people think about YOU the parent, worry more about how your child thinks of you or how you feel towards your child.
Enjoy watching quality television with your child from the age of three! Don't delegate your child to a screen, be there on the sofa laughing or crying together over Teletubbies The Sound of Music or Merlin or later on Harry Potter.
Every stage in your child's life you will need to be a slightly different version of yourself...embrace it

For us, it was treating our son like an adult right from day one really. We never went down the road of making up silly names for things, we called things what they were called, whether relatives, animals, toys, etc. We spent a hell of a lot of time 1-2-1 with him, never just stuck him in front of the telly or give him a tablet and leave him alone. We'd play cars and trains with him, do crafts and arts with him, watch tv with him, play computer games with him. We'd talk to him and tell him the itinery for the day, i.e. "we're going shopping straight after breakfast, then we're going to feed the ducks, then it'll be lunch time, and this afternoon, we're going to get the box of Brio out and set it all up in the lounge". We had pretty rigid routines, so he knew the plan so no unexpected surprises, good nor bad. Same with bed time, bath, stories and sleep every single night, in that order, at the same time. He could write and write before starting school, so that he was always "ahead of the curve" and never fell behind (that was OH's mantra as it's twice as hard to catch up if you fall behind). As he grew older, we kept the same routines, same philosophy of involving him, formal meal times around the dining table every day so we could ALL catch up together, he'd tell us about school, we'd tell him about our days, family news, etc. Homework straight after evening meal, done at the dining table - he knew he had to do it and once done, he could leave the dining table and do whatever he wanted. Kept that kind of structure right through his teen years. Ultimately, we gave him confidence in us - that we were never going to let him down, and that gave him the confidence to develop, take risks, etc knowing we were right behind him. Probably from the age of 12 or 13, basically as soon as he started secondary school really, he behaved and acted just like a mini adult, very mature, etc. He was an only child and had no close nieces, nephews nor cousins, so basically outside school, he spent most of his time with adults (us, grandparents, uncle, aunt, etc) - spending time with other children was very limited to school hours and occasional playing out/visits to school friends etc, but it was limited as we lived in a village with very few "local" kids so there was no local "tribe" to hang out with, so fewer opportunities to go off the rails really! Good in some ways, bad in others.

Ignore the bollocks notion that your children are 'not your friends'.

I’m lucky in that by simply doing the opposite to how I was parented is a good start.

modelling as someone mentioned is key. They learn from that far more than telling them. That includes modelling relationships or how you allow yourself to be treated. Not shouting unless we are talking about to get run over. Not making a big deal about an untidy room or wanting to sleep late . Not trying to be their friend or telling them they are your best friend. You are an adult. Not holding them behaviourally to a higher standard than yourself or your partner/spouse. Being interested in them but not invasive in your questioning. Not taking rejection of you personally. Not forcing physical affection or making them hug people they don’t want to.

Can't speak for others but my one was, yes.

FT working parents still have a duty to raise their children well.

I think luck plays a part but boundaries are vital. I’ve four now ranging from mid teens to mid twenties. They’re lovely and all individual but they knew their boundaries, they all did volunteering, the younger two still do, and all had part time jobs. The 3 who have been/still are at Uni pay for it themselves - we provide them with a home, food and basics. They all reminisce about me reading them stories when they were young and all the places we visited - picked by them. Spend time with them, listen to them but be a parent, not their best friend. Good luck.

Mine are, yes, though I don't commute 5 days a week.

I also forgot screens - the hardest boundary to enforce but my goodness am I glad we held the line on that. We have no devices during the week and screen free Sundays from 9am onwards. Also no to social media, now mine are at secondary.

My children were brought up in a very relaxed environment. The word boundaries was not in anyone’s vocabulary! Just decent manners and kindness were encouraged at all times.
My advice is pick your battles, acknowledge that children are all different personality wise and if you can get your children into decent state schools it will be a huge advantage as to how they progress socially and academically.
My three are decent,sociable,caring adults now.
They are my friends as well as my children.

I put a lot of emphasis on being considerate and having good manners and being content with what you have which throughout her childhood was not a lot as I was a single parent. I encouraged her to say yes to any opportunities offered rather than shy away which was her natural tendency. She's now a confident, well mannered, independent young woman. I am very proud of her.

Your original question was "what you did or didn't do"...
Tbh I wish I hadn't got so stressed by toddler mealtimes, their food dislikes and likes.
And also...Mess at all times not just meals..I wish I could have concentrated on streamlining housework, less stuff less clutter more space to just play and enjoy life...not so much about getting the kids to do chores as creating an environment that was cheerful and calm and gave me time, and made me better at managing. Your happiness or otherwise will affect your children, unless you are superhuman at concealing it

I remember once losing my keys on the doorstep in the depths of my knapsack and bursting into tears and my 2.5 year old going,don't cry mummy. Such an eye opener ..my stress was his

Active, positive parenting. My aim was hardly ever to say 'no' but to mean it 100% when I said it. I doubt my son would agree that I hardly ever said it but I usually regretted it if I said it without thinking. And lots of 'well done for stopping on the pavement before I got there' 'I saw that you were angry there but you controlled yourself' 'I love it when I see you share x with y'. Lots and lots of positives. And being clear about my priorities. Like at parents evening he always got lots of good feedback and I said I was pleased, but I also said that I really wanted him to look his head teacher in the eye, speak clearly and shake her hand, not hang his head and mutter.

I have to say that I think 90% of my 'parenting' was just how ds is, he's an easy and straightforward kind of person and has been like that from day 1. But I'll take credit for the other 10% because he's awesome.