Parents of decent children - how did you do it?

[acupofteamakeseverythingbetter]

I'm a parent to a 2.5 year old and 4 month old. I'm very much in the trenches of motherhood with two little ones and with regards to parenting I don't want to mess it up.

What words of wisdom do you have to raise decent independent humans. Is there anything you would have done differently if you had the chance?

What things did you do as parents that you're proud of doing because now looking back you can see whatever you did or didn't do was worth it?

@ViciousCurrentBun I'm so sorry for your loss, that must have been an incredibly difficult time for you all. Your sons sound absolutely lovely, a credit to you I'm sure

Discipline before age 5. ‘Show me the boy (or girl) at 5, I show you the man (or woman).’

And just love and cherish them!

I always receive lovely comments about my children, late teens now.

Listen to them, really listen.

Praise their achievements genuinely and constructively.

Make time for just them. Switch your phone off and don't be distracted. Sitting with them to watch a favourite TV program counts too. It doesn't need to be complicated.

Start the morning off with a drink and a slow cuddle wrapped in a blanket. Even just 10 minutes. It fills them up for their day ahead.

Be available to them.

Every child needs somebody who thinks they are amazing. It doesn't have to be a parent but it usually is.

Love this 🖤 agree with the listening bit so much.. It's easy to get distracted as a parenr as we have so much in our heads. My mum used to half listen and I noticed. I've felt myself slipping into that a few times and stopped myself and focused.

If you want to raise adults who respect then give them respect.

If you want to raise adults who can advocate and articulate their emotions, then you need to give them the language and respect their feelings.

Boundaries are important yes, but giving responsibility and supporting their autonomy is very much needed to develop well adjusted functioning adults.

I kept the rules to a minimum, discussed and included their preferences in dividing up housework etc.

Actually the most important thing I did was teach them who I am. I am not mum full stop.

I am X, a sister who snuck her siblings into a concert, a cousin who was there to give a rotten boyfriend an earful. A friend that is the first on the dance floor, etc. So I am a person first, who yes being their mum is my honoured privilege but it is just part of me.

This is to teach them they will be many things to many people.

• model good behaviour
• if you say no, mean it
• apologise when you are wrong and explain why
• give lots of affection
• always be polite to them
• don't shout unless they are about to do something that means they'll come to harm
• have conversations
• say I love you often
• allow them to have their own opinion
• praise them
• set boundaries from early on

I've done the opposite of what many people on this thread mention - 'tight boundaries', 'say no and mean it'. I rarely said no to my kids, and spoiled them mercilessly. They have turned out to be lovely, kind people. One is too sick to work but the other 2 are proper grafters.

My daughter is so brave and compassionate - she works with ex offenders who've been convicted of the worst crimes imaginable and is still able to treat them in a humane way. That's despite the fact she's been a victim of serious crime herself.

Don’t spoil, it’s ok that they don’t get everything they want
No, kids are not always right but Yes, their opinion is valued

If you can’t afford what they want it’s fine to tell them it’s too expensive. ( mine are so good with money now …we have 3 in their 20s )

Its ok to go camping, it doesn’t have to be an expensive hotel. In fact id make a point of rotating holidays, our kids are fine with roughing it because we taught them to and never moaned and always enjoyed.

Be interested in their interests but don’t smother

Remember they are a separate human being to you and what you want (career , exam wise ) for their future has nothing to do with what they want. Don’t push them to be something you want…not everyone wants to be a doctor or hedge funder

Always laugh, enjoy and live a fulfilled life…..

We taught our son right from wrong and modelled kindness, work ethic, the importance of honesty politeness. We encouraged and facilitated every interest he had until he found his passion. I think the main thing was really listening and talking from an early age. Ds has always been sensible and responsible with good friends but we allowed him gradually more responsibilitiy/freedom in accordance with his age and ability over time as he demonstrated he was responsible and could be trusted . We never once had to issue a curfew, it was always just chatted about and agreed on. As an only child, his opinion was always valid and taken into account and he was very confident with adults and other children at a very young age . He's 19 now. He's a great person, still lets me know when he is coming home, when he's on the train etc at night, talks to us about everything and is still close to us. I look at my son and I am so proud of a lovely, warm, confident, funny, loving and thoughtful young man❤️ he has become. I'm sure your dc will be the same, Op.

Teach them from the beginning that everyone in a home has a responsibility to look after themselves, not to be picked up after. Even toddlers can put their clothes in the wash basket. Admit that chores are boring, for you too, but make it clear that if everyone plays their part it is better for everyone.

Encourage them to think of themselves in positive terms. If they have shown they are capable, tell them. If they have been thoughtful, acknowledge it.

Love this thought there are far too many parents who do not parent effectively as they want to be a friend. Children need to grow up respecting their parents as well as the other adults in their lives.

Listen to advice from those who have children in their 20's. Pre teens are easy peasy (though you might feel like disagreeing with that) getting them through the independent years is hard.

Drinking water or juice (as per pp tooting their own horn) is not going to change that!

IMO give them responsibility- the more you expect of them the better.

But, I have only raised two kids so wouldn't be an expert!

Be glad that they're growing up and become their own independent people.

I know somebody who continually refers to her 9yo as "my baby girl" and actively states that she doesn't want her to grow up! This woman is very needy and sees the child as her best friend. She will be devastated when she eventually wants her own space away from the smothering.

I hope this doesn’t sound braggy but my daughter is 7 and is a very well behaved child.
I started at a very early age demonstrating basics like saying thank you and please (think age 1 teaching the sign language for it) and reiterate these manners all the time, no excuses.
I also ensured that from an early age I told them a stern (but not scary) no and when old enough, explained why what they might be doing is wrong.
I have never shouted and during tantrums I would sit silently next to them, occasionally saying I know you feel angry, would you like a hug. Eventually they would calm, we would hug and I tell them I love them.
I always ask her how she is feeling if she is upset and then that opens up a conversation and leads to de-escalation.
my bigges trip is if you ever feel frustrated, actively whisper. This both makes the child instinctively listen more, and also helps regulate yourself.

This thread really made me think…. A group of decent friends is possibly the most influential factor….teens take more notice of their peer group than of their parents, but that again is down to luck.

I have shouted at my kids; never my proudest moment but I work on apologising and trying to be better each time rather than beating myself up over it.

When they were little and pushed all my buttons, I imagined I was being observed by a hidden camera parenting show that provided commentary on my parenting. I’m not a loon, so I knew it wasn’t real, but I played the role and it stopped me losing my shit and made me try to do the right thing each time.

thus morning I took all 3 kids to school-they travel by bus and leave the house at 7.15, so it gave them a slower start to their day but also reminded me about how they’re a captive audience; we talked and giggled more than usual as they couldn’t go upstairs/put the tv on etc. We don’t travel together often but it’s a good reminder for me to engineer situations when I get them all together

Yes, nobody is perfect. And being able to apologise to your child is very important and builds respect on both sides like nothing else.

Some great advice here. I would add:

1. Teach then to be polite
2. Let them be independant for their age and don’t try to do everything for them and solve all their problems. You learn through mistakes and knowing that while your parents support you you are your own person.
3. Be clear with expectations and reward good behaviour not just coming down on bad behaviour.
4. Always greet your children positively - how would you feel if every time you came into a room the first thing someone said to you was ‘why haven’t you don’t this etc’.
5. Talk to your children often. Build up a trusting relationship in the good times so when things get tough you will still talk and you can understand each other.
6. Nip things in the bud (gently). I tell my kids that my job is to keep them in the lines so I occasionally have to nudge them back. This way things don’t escalate, get too big to address and they know the boundaries.
7. Get them involved in something they live away from screens - sports, crafts, walking etc. Balance is important.
8. Avoid tantrums by taking calmly and asking what your child needs in that moment. Someone told me tantrums are because they don’t know how to communicate well enough. I would look at my child, bend down and go through a list of what they need. Avoided tantrums for my children altogether.
9. Don’t rush in to fix all their problems - school, friendships. Build resiliency for life by talking about how they can fix it or what they can do. I see so many parents who think they are helping and doing the right thing and their kids can’t cope on their own or struggle mentally to do so. Then when bad things happen (as they will and do) your kid is ready and can deal with it proportionally.
10. Explain things clearly. If they act unkindly ask them if they would like to be treated like that. Ask if you treat them like that. Teach them to be considerate of others and kind.
11. My dad did this with me and I did it with my kids and it worked - to teach confidence ask them to ask for themselves. We started at restaurants with a drink - what drink would you like to have so they feel comfortable speaking for themselves and not always relying on us. Build from there. Again don’t always step in as when then have to do it they won’t ’know how’
12. Say I love you every day, many times. Hug your children and if they are angry tell them that no matter what you will always love them.

What a great discussion and thanks for the questions!

There is a book for young children about unconditional love, which is called 'No Matter What'. It's a really lovely book.

We have 2 teens here. Both are hardworking, polite, funny, patient and kind. To say we are enormously proud would be an understatement. They also have their differences - 1 being very academic and naturally talented at school, the other isn't remotely interested but is very talented in the arts and is focused on a completely different career path than her sibling.

Overall we are strict. We have firm boundaries with politeness and behaviour that we started from them being little. We make sure homework is done, offer any and all the help we can, particularly areas that may struggle. We foster so the children have a lot of patience and empathy but we also have always got the children involved in helping others such as family members and those less fortunate (eg purchasing xmas presents for children via charites/ Dunelm). We let our children express their opinions and included them in lots of conversations. My mum used to say this would cause us nothing but trouble but in fact it's created a family that talks things through. Our children are very open with us even though at these ages teens typically aren't. Letting children have opinions doesn't mean they have to dictate if it's done carefully. Above all this we have a happy home. A home filled with laughter, spending time together and love. Our children know how much they are loved and valued in our home. They know they can talk to us and we will absolutely always have their backs. I feel extremely lucky.

Thank you for all the replies, I've been reading through them when I get a chance. Taking on board the advice about being available and not being distracted by my phone! So interesting reading all the replies - all your children sound wonderful. Well done to you all!

Great thread!

I used to work in CAMHS and would like to endorse something said upthread about parents backing each other up over discipline in front of a child. Parental disputes over these things caused so much trouble and stood out as the prime cause of many behavioural problems.
If you disagree with partner over this do it in private afterwards. It is fine to go back to a child and say that you have both discussed this and come to a decision about it ... that way the child understands that you are functioning as a team and that they cannot play one off against the other. A child is attracted by but unsettled by that level of power.
This is of course a particular problem where the parents are no longer together, but trying to get some agreement over these things is key to the child's stability.

I think it's quite complicated. We didn't know until our DS was at school but basically our whole family is ASD, and unfortunately it is worst for DS. The whole lot of us are having to learn from the beginning again how to think and live so that we can create a life for him that is viable and that is honest about who we all are and what we can do.

I think for those us in our situation, it's just constant work, constant careful thought and dedication. Also immense openness to thinking outside the box.

I think it’s down to a combination of having firm boundaries around behaviour, instilling respect for self and others and being modelled decent human behaviour. Children really do soak up the attitudes and integrity of the people around them.

I also think it’s important to show children how to identify their own emotions and normalise self reflection to improve future outcomes.