Parents of decent children - how did you do it?

[acupofteamakeseverythingbetter]

I'm a parent to a 2.5 year old and 4 month old. I'm very much in the trenches of motherhood with two little ones and with regards to parenting I don't want to mess it up.

What words of wisdom do you have to raise decent independent humans. Is there anything you would have done differently if you had the chance?

What things did you do as parents that you're proud of doing because now looking back you can see whatever you did or didn't do was worth it?

I learnt to never raise my voice in frustration, I channel my calm and collected Judi Dench /Patrick Stewart rather than being high pitched, fast talking etc as they listen more and gives you more control of the situation.

Clear and consistent boundaries always. Minimal use of 'Dont' and 'No', always catch them being good and demonstrating the behaviours you want. -Obviously if they are about to put themselves in actual danger you step in.

Regular reminders of expected positive behaviours to preempt less than desirable behaviour so before going into a shop I'd bend down to her height and tell her ( or ask her for) the three positive things I wanted her to do 1) Stand by my side or hold my hand, 2) Dont touch anything unless told it is ok 3) Use our indoor voices etc.

A love of theatre and English as a tool, we started out with the Milkshake productions (Fireman Sam, Postman Pat) as a toddler, graduated up to Musicals from 5, and now shes a teen and has a real love for grown up drama and Shakespeare. Similarly an appreciation for art and museums, with no pressure to take from it more than what you need at the time.

I didn't give her a love of reading though despite having hundreds of books and reading to her regularly she never picked up my love for novels, instead as a early teen she moved onto poetry, reading and writing and playscripts instead.

The biggest thing I did learn though is when enough is enough when it came to extra curriculars, as a single parent I didn't want her to miss out on opportunities and because she's an only I had the time to be out every evening shuttling her around, and looking back I think we were over scheduled in the Primary years, we took stock during COVID and drastically changed what we did which made us both more relaxed.

At that age, I talked to them a lot, involved them in daily life (DC would be allowed to pay for things, choose their outfits / cereals from a limited range), had early bedtimes (5pm), and ensured they were exposed to a wide range of food and activities. In mine and DH’s culture early potty training is a major element of independance - all my children were out of nappies by 1 & fully trained (including wiping) by 2.

I come from a culture that believes DP should teach their kids the basics of how to speak well in public, read and write and do basic arithmetic. So all my DC entered school / preschool very confident - that early confidence definitely paid off as they started ahead (both physically and academically) and remainded ahead in a really organic way.

Mine always knew that kindness was the priority and the yardstick against which all behaviour was judged. I am proud of who they have become and I think this has something to do with it.
I am sure I got lots of things wrong, but this was the underlying theme from when they were tiny.
Remember you are the parent and doing that job properly sometimes means you are not flavour if the month but that is how it must be.

Mine are still very much works in progress, but at 17, 16 & 13 I can see the people they are and will become, and I’m really proud. At the risk of sounding an arrogant prick, I do take credit for some of it, as it has been hard over the years and I could’ve made my own life easier. If I had to sum up my best tips (only in so much as they worked for me/us), they would be;

Apologies this sounds preachy-it’s really not, it’s just my ideas:

Find your red lines and stick to them, each and every time. The rest can be loosened as you all grow. For me, I had my two boys only 18 mths apart, and I was determined not to just let them fight (I never bought into the ‘boys will be boys’ bullshit). If one of them bit or hit, no matter the age, I would remove them and talk sharply to them but then heap love and affection and praise on the injured child. They are strapping teens now and have never fought physically with each other or their friends.

Their Dad had an affair when the youngest was 2, and whilst I hated him on sight for a long time, we faked it ‘til we made it and we have all benefitted. We are flexible enough that we can each have plans change when It’s ’our Weekend’ to have the kids, and my kids know they can talk about the lovely things they do with him and I won’t get sad. They also don’t fear what might happen for their graduations/weddings etc, as they don’t have to choose. It was hard at first, and still is 10 years on, but it’s the thing I’m proudest of (not screwing them up with our breakup). Likewise I maintained the relationship with my mother-in-law & encourage it with his girlfriend (the OW!). The more people that love your kids and don’t think they’re little pricks, the better!

Persevere with the things that are important to you. Don’t let your kids just become ‘the one who doesn’t like veg’ or won’t eat meals-you have to keep going for a long time to bring about healthy eaters (mine would still snatch your hand off for a fish finger, but they at least eat properly now with minimal fuss!). Same with manners-I can’t believe I still have to remind my 16 year old constantly, but others assure me he is very polite outside the house!

Don't be afraid to say sorry to your kids if you’ve yelled or are in the wrong-even, or especially, from an early age. It’s a power struggle for sure, but you won’t lose ‘power’ by saying you made a mistake, or letting them see that sometimes Moms get cross/sad/frustrated too. It teaches them that emotions are normal and that there’s a healthy way to deal with them.

Stuck to your guns on the important stuff (at least, the stuff you think is important). For me it was the unpopular stuff like TV in bedroom/phone too early when they’re little, and social media when they’re older. It really doesn’t matter if they’re the only one in the class-because it’s highly unlikely they’re the only one. Work out early on which Moms are like you and you can be confident when your kid tells you every child in the class has a phone-you can then either tell them the kids that don’t, or stick to your guns about why they’re not having the thing.

Bedtimes and good sleep hygiene are crucial at all ages. Even though mine are now much older, it’s still a relatively tight ship; devices (phone/PlayStation) off at 9/9.30 and bed by 10.30 on school nights. They don’t resent it (much!), but when they have to get out of bed at 6.30, and don’t need energy drinks to get them to function, it is totally worth it.

A lot of love and understanding. Try to remember how you felt as a child and how you wanted to be treated and work it that way

The best advice I got was to be a manager when they’re little and a coach when they’re older. Find out what they enjoy and foster a hobby, great for self esteem and a positive focus. Make sure they know you love them, you will always support them and there will always be a space in your home for them. (Unless they want to spend their life on benefits playing x box!) Keep the communication open, especially as they get older - but don’t be afraid to set boundaries and say no when they’re younger! Mum to two kind young men in their 20s. They’re both at uni, have good friends, enjoy their sport and are happy. I can’t claim to be a perfect parent but all you can do is do your best.

Love and compassion and humour, but also boundaries and structure - for the teenage years especially I think.

@acupofteamakeseverythingbetter , this advice from @FlatShoesOnly is the first rule of parenting in my opinion.
I’m a grandmother now, I would add and this is sad. The world can be unkind and other people won’t necessarily bring up their children well. 😔 Bring up your children to be respectful and kind but that includes to themselves. Teach them to be physically able to stand up for themselves and be prepared to do so but never ever to be the one who starts a fight. Enjoy, it all passes so quickly. X

Have clear boundaries and expectations.
Spend quality time with them at all ages (even as stroppy teens there are ways - usually including food!)
Talk about the world, what's important to you, values.
Encourage responsibility - chores, some part time work when they are old enough.
Give plenty of affection, tell them you love them every day.
Be aware of what they are doing on social media - especially as teens. Limit it, challenge it and talk about it.
Turn off the wi-fi at 10pm!

I taught them right and wrong from babyhood. I know people don't like it now, but we used the naughty spot from 12 months old. We also made sure of loads of love, cuddles, praise etc. Take a real and genuine interest in what they do (although playing Barbie's and octonauts was too much for me)

We also did sleep training, so both slept in their own rooms from 4/5 weeks old and slept through from about 4/5 months.

It pisses me off when people say their 4/5 year old can't behave because they 'are too young to understand' it's bollocks (obvs excepting SEND). It's the parents job to teach them to behave/listen/respect adults. Also, it's a hell of a lot easier to discipline and teach a 3 year old manners than it is a 13 year old. Putting in the effort and being 'bad cop' when they're young saves so much heartache when they are older.

We didn't get it right all the time - for a couple of years I thought we'd crushed DDs personality, but it's shining through now. DD is a really fussy eater too and DS is borderline overweight which upsets him but at age 14 and 11 they are wonderful children who I love to spend time with. Both work hard at school and have friends and hobbies they enjoy.

Your last sentence is lovely @SiobhanSharpe

I have a toddler and sometimes forget to enjoy this time as I’m so tired.

Hold your boundaries - if you say don’t do something make sure they don’t do it even if it seems minor and you’re worn out. Case in point - was walking out of school the other day and one of the boys who is known for not being the best behaved in the class was kicking his water bottle across the ground. His mum kept saying ‘oh don’t do that, no don’t do that it will get damaged’ but didn’t actually stop him and there was no consequence. If you allow that sort of disobedience at 6/7 how are they going to respect you when they’re 14?! I’d have said no, stop, and then if it had continued picked it up and said, I asked you to stop and I’m not going to allow you to kick your water bottle along the ground.

Mine are nearly 18, 15 and 13. Kindness goes a long way and setting boundaries. I would pick my battles with my oldest DD when she was being a typical teenager. I hardly shout unless it was something that was stupid and dangerous they had done. I would always give them a smile, kiss and cuddle when they come home from school plus tell them I love them. Also, I am open to anything so we talk. They know they can talk to me about things and it is nice they do. They are growing into kind, polite and thoughtful young adults. When they were small, I would never let them run around in a restaurant. I used to take a big bag of pencils, colouring books, etc to keep them entertained. I suppose I was strict when we were out and about.

There's definitely an element of luck in there - I remember congratulating myself on how my toddler didn't drink fizzy drinks, then his little brother came along, who wanted to drink anything I drunk (and would scale the furniture to get to it) and I realised that my first just didn't want to, rather than it being my excellent parenting.

Having said that, I try to only have sensible rules that I can explain the reasoning for, and I enforce them. Whilst I am open to a certain amount of negotiation, once I've said no, it's no (so no dragging it on). I think it encourages some independence, and critical thinking.

And I should add - always make time to talk to them, if something seems off take the time to find out what. I've found that often they don't want advice, just to be able to share their problems and have love and reassurance

Also, I still read my 11 year old bedtime stories every night.

Honestly, I think one of the most important things you can do for a child is model the behaviour you’d like to see, rather than adopt a ‘do what I say, not what I do’ approach, or just vaguely hope your child won’t have your problems, with your head in the sand.

Children learn by seeing. If you want them to be socially confident, to make and maintain healthy relationships, and to be someone who approaches the world with curiosity, you need to model good friendships, and engagement with the world outside your household.

Lot's of love and lot's of listening is what I have done and I have two lovely young adult children. They are empathetic, kind people with lots of friends and have both done reasonably well so far.

Their dad is useless, distant and cold though so they don't have contact with him or his side of the family anymore. I have had to work extra hard to weigh up what he is lacking but it seems to have worked.

I have three kids though only one of them is a teenager.

Don't get hung up on social media or the importance of what you're doing 😁 the internet likes to tell you that tiny tiny things matter. In reality it's more zoomed out than that, like an impressionist painting. And the child is much more in charge of how they turn out than you are. There's this saying that you're more of a gardener than a carpenter - you don't get to mould them exactly to what you want. You can only provide the environment for them to flourish or not.

Try to see it as an adventure getting to know this unique and wonderful person. If you can see it like that it's much less stressful IME.

You can, and should, say no to children. Learning they can’t have/do what they want immediately or ever builds resilience.
Apologise if you’re in the wrong, explain (appropriately to age of child) why you’re wrong and they will learn to be reflective.
Every day is a fresh start (sometimes every hour when they’re little) and once something is dealt with don’t keep on about it. As in, don’t harp on about yesterday’s or last week’s mistake. Your child will resent you and stop listening.
You cannot be a perfect parent, no one can. If you were perfect, how could your child ever live up to you?
Model the behaviour you would like them to copy, and yes that means you can read a book, go to the gym, meet a friend. Tricky I know but you’re important too.
Love them.

Model respectful behavior, including in disagreements with your partner. Listen to them. Eat dinner together (no phones!). Accept that sometimes they'll push boundaries and won't be "perfect" kids.

There's some great advice on this thread and I definitely agree with holding your boundaries and modelling the behaviour you want to see (If you're going to say no to something - do so immeadiately - saying 'we'll see/maybe/if you're good' all whilst knowing that you're going to say no is going to cause problems).

I would add to that - presented a united front with the other parent (DH and I don't always agree on everything about parenting - but in front of the children we support each other).

Treating siblings fairly isn't always the same thing as treating them equally. They are individuals with different needs and personalities - it took us a little while to cotton on to the fact the DC2 needed different things to DC1.

I defintely agree with the poster above about boys fighting - mine never, ever have because at the very first sign of it we acted and were persistent and consistent.

Enjoy them - you're in the trenches at the moment but do the hard work now and you will have a lifetime of fun and joy together.

Tell them you love you and why, you love their kind heart, their beautiful face and most of you love being their mummy, thank you for making me your mummy.

Ask them why they love being them, what do they love about being “Thomas”.

When they have done something tell them well done for trying so hard. Elaborate on the praise don’t say just good girl, explain why.

Have firm boundaries that can be flexible with the right communication. Saying you can’t do something because I said so isn’t right. You can’t watch the TV right now as dinners going to be ready in 5mins. Once dinner is finished we can have 30mins of watching TV and we can set a timer (get then involved in setting the timer / they can pick the noise etc)

Mostly I think it’s communication, as an adult if my boss said do this now because I’m your boss I would be fuming. However a boss who says this is urgent for x,y reasons can we get this done would get a better response.

What a great idea for a thread. I spend a lot of time trying to do things better for my children who are now adults, better than when they were tiny and I was utterly consumed by providing for them. Just keeping a roof over our heads, making sure they were well fed and had access to sport, literature, music and encouraging their interests.

I suspect mine are good people despite me rather than because of me but my advice would be to do your best. Which is what every parent is already doing!

Looks like there is some good advice here.

I also want to add that a stable and safe home environment is important.

I also think it matters that you don't take their behavior too personal, particularly when they are very young. They still need to learn to regulate themselves. Acting out is often a sign they are struggling with something and is not done with the intention to hurt their parents, although that may be the effect.

This is great and I'm pleased it worked out for you but please don't judge parents with beige food kids. Often it's through no fault of the parent. My eldest needed intervention because she would literally starve herself rather then eat something that she didn't feel safe with and was dropping was dropping down the centiles. She also has food fear due to extreme allergies.
I know this is the extreme end of the spectrum, but my youngest who also had food allergies will try anything and has always been enthusiastic about food.
A recent study showed that food behaviour is largely genetic and not to do with parenting. So although all parents try your approach first, sometimes the health and weight gain of the child has to come before the one meal/no beige policy