How to stop nagging at DD 14 who has ADHD

[LittleRedRidingBoots]

My DD is 14. She has ADHD and as a result is a bit of a nightmare at getting herself sorted on time in the mornings. As well as getting herself ready for school she walks the dog (just round the block for 10 mins for a wee and a poo as we have a dog walker who comes later in the day) 3 mornings a week. I also ask her to straighten her bed and put her dirty washing in the washing bin which I feel is fairly reasonable.

It seems that no matter what we try, she can't manage to get things done on time. Together we have written her a 'schedule' which she fully agreed to at the time, but she doesn't stick to it. It's really basic, such as get up at 6:45, get dressed by 7:15, downstairs by 7:30 etc.

I'm constantly reminding (nagging!) her so that we leave on time to get to school, and it's getting us both down. She feels like all I do is moan at her, which I probably do. My patience is wearing thin and I feel like I'm snappy with her, which obviously doesn't help at all. I get to work feeling stressed and down and I hate dropping her at school having moaned at her all morning.

Can anyone suggest how we can improve our mornings? Or any tips about how to encourage her/hurry her along in a positive way? Am I expecting too much from her? Should I stop asking her to do anything other than get herself ready?

I feel like a really miserable, moany mum and I hate the thought that she'll look back on her teenage years with a negative view of me nagging constantly :(

I completely agree that ADHD is complicated, more so when it co-exists with, or is masked by or mistaken for other conditions, and there are lots of other factors.

I also am not wild about the fact that it's purely based on scoring. Having said that, having gone through the process, what I noticed is that the scoring system appears to very much take the subjective nature of this into account. Our doctor requested questionairres from me, DH, DS, DS's teacher. He also spent about 2 hours talking to DS and us, on two separate occassions, drilling down with very specific questions, many of which I had not thought about at all in the context of ADHD.

It did not feel like it was all a bit hit and miss.

similarly, re meds, I agree that the effectiveness varies. I believe that there's been some research (or theories) that actually, the meds working is a further sign that it definitely is ADHD vs something else. I assume based on the theory that if the behaviours are caused by ADHD, doing something to the brain makes a difference vs if the behaviours are caused by other things.

I cannot in good faith equate my dd's ADHD to asthma. At present the biggest risk of not medicating her is she forgets her reading record. That's not quite the same as dying from an asthma attack.

Well that a hell of a stretch.

So your glasses cause you pain. The rest of the population, not so much. Glasses don't come with a huge list of side effects like ADHD meds do. Glasses are not subject to months of titration like adhd meds. Glasses aren't controlled substances like adhd meds.

Op I'm really glad things are going better after talking to your dd. Long may it continue!

Just keep talking to her. Communication is the most useful tool you have. Let her know she's not on her own with this.

My youngest has her assessment tomorrow. We weren't planning on medicating her initially at least as we think it can be managed and she is managing at school (it's not a super strict school) however my assessment should come up in Jan and I def want to try drugs if eligible... It's not straight forwards is it.

My DD is 22 and wouldn't manage anything on your list except getting herself ready and out the door and making a coffee.
Is there any way she could get herself to school by public transport...I wonder whether the "lift" bit is making things worse. My DD left the house at 7.15 to get to secondary school and it took an hour but at least she was "in charge" of her own locomotion/lateness.

Btw DD was never late for school and is still on time for job, uni, friends,events,etc...partly because her list is/was always manageable and she puts in a lot of downtime/lazing around on an unmade bed when she isn't active. Her room is still incredibly messy. But I think in part it's how she copes/destresses, not to over schedule

That’s the worst that can happen now. But ADHD is linked to poor impulse control leading to very dangerous, even life ending circumstances when the person is a teen or adult and so unlike a young child spends a lot of time unsupervised.

Lovely update OP! Glad things have gotten better almost instantly.

Thank you. Another good morning today, I think we've both been really trying to communicate and keep calm since our talk which has definitely helped. Long may it continue!