How to stop nagging at DD 14 who has ADHD

[LittleRedRidingBoots]

My DD is 14. She has ADHD and as a result is a bit of a nightmare at getting herself sorted on time in the mornings. As well as getting herself ready for school she walks the dog (just round the block for 10 mins for a wee and a poo as we have a dog walker who comes later in the day) 3 mornings a week. I also ask her to straighten her bed and put her dirty washing in the washing bin which I feel is fairly reasonable.

It seems that no matter what we try, she can't manage to get things done on time. Together we have written her a 'schedule' which she fully agreed to at the time, but she doesn't stick to it. It's really basic, such as get up at 6:45, get dressed by 7:15, downstairs by 7:30 etc.

I'm constantly reminding (nagging!) her so that we leave on time to get to school, and it's getting us both down. She feels like all I do is moan at her, which I probably do. My patience is wearing thin and I feel like I'm snappy with her, which obviously doesn't help at all. I get to work feeling stressed and down and I hate dropping her at school having moaned at her all morning.

Can anyone suggest how we can improve our mornings? Or any tips about how to encourage her/hurry her along in a positive way? Am I expecting too much from her? Should I stop asking her to do anything other than get herself ready?

I feel like a really miserable, moany mum and I hate the thought that she'll look back on her teenage years with a negative view of me nagging constantly :(

This makes me so sad 😢 And is exactly why I'm trying to change this now.

Agree completely with
@Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday and
@cheezncrackers

They usually already feel bad they aren't as able as their non disabled peers. Shaming someone for not being able to do soemthing is not good. Longterm you want them to feel you're supporting them.

I have ADHD, and I’m a parent, and I think you’re asking too much of her, too many different things.

ADHD makes doing multiple different things in sequence difficult, our brains are simply ‘now’ or ‘not now’. We also can’t estimate how long something will take in our heads, so planning our time through multiple tasks to fit in a short designated time frame is a nightmare. As a teen I could just about get myself out of bed, dressed and out the house hopefully on time (I only had to walk a short distance thankfully) nothing else would happen. Any breakfast had to come with me. I didn’t always manage to brush my teeth. Walking a dog and dealing with washing as well would have each taken up all the executive functioning I’d have for the whole morning, let alone doing both and making a bed.

Even now I manage a whole house and family and morning are still hard, if I have to leave for work with the kids my husband gets them ready, I sort myself, I can’t do both. I don’t make my bed, nothing reaches a wash basket, I struggle to return anything in the bathroom or my make up bag to where it came from (though I’m working on strategies for this) as everything is being focused on being ready to leave. Mornings are almost always stressful, I drive into London instead of getting the train so I can run on my own time, missing a bus or train is much more stressful, even if the journey takes over an hour and a half at least I’m on my own schedule. But I’m great at my (professional) job when I get there.

I say all this to try and help you understand that this issue isn’t just a lack of learning for your daughter that you need to make her learn, she understands all this, she just can’t do it. I assume you supported her diagnosis because there were issues and ways she wasn’t coping. This is another of them. The answer here is adapting not nagging. Narrow it down to what is really important - getting to school. All she should be expected to do in the morning is get herself ready for school. The bed doesn’t matter, someone else needs to walk the dog, washing can go in the basket the night before or when she gets home. School is the important thing here and I guarantee arriving overwhelmed from another packed morning where she feels like she’s failed you yet again won’t be helping her learn. Her brain works differently to yours, she needs a routine different to what you could cope with yourself.

This is really helpful, but also really difficult, to hear. The last thing I want to do is make her feel like she's failed me and I'm upset sitting here feeling like that's what I've done. But really good to hear this perspective. Thank you.

As someone with adhd, I wish my parents had been more strict with executive function habits, such as bed making.
because it does matter, and getting these routines solid when young will help in future

But there's no point expecting the impossible. So you reduce the load and put support in to achieve that.

Walk of shame is a turn of phrase ffs.
Me telling her she would be late didn't work so when she was late, the penny dropped.

@MumonabikeE5 this has been my thought process, that she will need to do lots of these things as an adult. It's interesting that you feel like this and makes me feel not quite so bad. But reading a lot of these responses has really made me question my expectations.

OP have you asked her how she’s finding the mornings? What’s her perspective of what’s happening? I spent years mad at myself that I couldn’t just get up earlier and get all the things done, I wish I’d had the knowledge that I had ADHD I wasn’t just useless.

I do think you're trying to force her into a NT box here. She isn't doing this deliberately. It's not a behavioural issue. Does she have to do the dog walk? Can she get up earlier? Agree straightening the bed etc can wait until night time. It's actually better to air out your bed anyway.

We have the exact same problem with DS16 and haven't found a solution yet.

@MumonabikeE5 routines can be great, but too many things that just make you feel utterly overwhelmed aren’t helpful. The routine here could be get up, get dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth. That’s still plenty of things for an early morning before school when executive function and time management are an issue. She could do the evening dog walk instead, make her bed when she gets in (or not worry about it, it’s her own bed maybe she doesn’t care) sort her washing another way that works for her.

She needs her ADHD treated

I don’t really understand the making the bed thing. If you have a quilt, why does it matter what position the quilt is in during the day? You’re going to pull it over yourself when you get into bed just the same. If you care about aesthetics, of course it looks nicer when it’s straight, but if that’s not something she cares about then that’s up to her and it really doesn’t matter. She can start making her bed when she’s 25 if she starts caring about it then.

@premierleague yes of course, I am aware of this, but as I'm sure you're aware the process isn't quick, even privately.

@easierstill

it will and needs to be your priority

I don't know about OP but we've been told it's a 2 year waiting list so we need to find ways to support in the meantime

Yes I have. She feels stressed and moaned at :(

Exactly this. If I could click my fingers and speed everything up then of course I would.

I think the key is to start with something that's actually achievable, without bad feeling, in the morning. Once she can consistently get dressed and leave the house on time, then you could discuss with her whether another task could be added in - and which task one be the most worthwhile. But I don't think repeated morning stress and conflict will help her build useful habits or techniques for adulthood.

I have a now teenager with ADHD ..

I used to think we have had the same morning routine since he started school - why can he not do what is expected - however he can’t . You need to inject fun into it .

I would definitely drop the bed clothing in the morning .
we have done world record timings - race who can get dressed first .you get dressed I will make you breakfast . We have used wipboard tick lists , none work indefinitely however it gives you both a break .

The walking the dog may help when she gets to school .

I would also at this point look at diet . As unprocessed as you can get . Foods with omega 3 if she will eat them . My Ds reacts to food colourings haribo are the worst .

it won’t cure ADHD but it will help . Remember you are preparing her for getting into school where she will be told what to do all day so start the day off easy

What about a timer alarm that goes off with each reminder?

The thing is though, whilst she may need to do these things as an adult she isn't an adult yet.
Teenagerhood is hard, hormones, school and friendship pressures, extra curriculars, homework, not having much choice in how you spend your time. School as a whole being a stressful environment. And that's before you add unmedicated ADHD to the mix.

When she is an adult she will chose a job that works to her strengths, she can manage her workload and downtime. She will not have teen hormones to deal with and will have matured emotionally.

DD is autistic not ADHD, she knows how and why to do things, use the washing machine, dish washer, air her bed etc open the windows. But I don't make her do them during term time, I am very low demand of her during school time. She does these things in the holidays when she's more relaxed and has more bandwidth to do those tasks rather than adding them on to when she's already at capacity.

As an adult with ADHD, I know that nothing bad will happen if I don’t make my bed, so I don’t worry about it most of the time, I just shake the duvet before I go to bed. I don’t have a dog because I know the walking expectations wouldn’t work for me. I do get myself to work in a job I love. I know how to clean my house and do the laundry, I do still struggle with these things because I have ADHD, but my house is clean enough and everyone has clean clothes and is clean themselves.

I'm the same with 10 yo dd. Her ADHD is infuriating in the mornings.
What does work is externalizing reminders, we use Alexa to run the morning routine so it's not me nagging.
As pp said, music really helps. We often do the "you have to be dressed by the end of this song....go!"
Getting as much ready the night before.
Don't bother with the bed. I've never made a bed. In fact letting air and light into the bed is healthier.

DD is 14 and has ADHD.

I was diagnosed at 45.

She’s a carbon copy of me. Anything that needs to be done needs to be attached to an existing established habit. So vitamins live next to her toothbrush so she can’t forget them. Her school books live next to her bag and her PE kit goes straight back in the PE bag when washed.

If you aren’t where she got her ADHD from, you have to remember she has a completely different brain. She isn’t capable of “just doing” something you can without help.

She has different coloured snap bands for different times of day with a list of what needs doing and she doesn’t get to sit
down/have screentime until they are done. So a weekday morning one, an after school one, an evening activities one, a weekend morning one. She writes the lists herself as it seems to embed better.

Open shelving rather than cupboards helps. Discussing the learning point when something goes wrong helps. Not blaming her for her “different brain” helps. Talking about how she can maintain dopamine levels to stay focused helps.

(DH has autism and struggles to remember that neither DD or I can “just do” certain things. Eg, I need a day of rewards before I do a piece of studying or declutter a room. Boring tasks aren’t easy even when you’re medicated (I am, DD isn’t.))