How to stop nagging at DD 14 who has ADHD

[LittleRedRidingBoots]

My DD is 14. She has ADHD and as a result is a bit of a nightmare at getting herself sorted on time in the mornings. As well as getting herself ready for school she walks the dog (just round the block for 10 mins for a wee and a poo as we have a dog walker who comes later in the day) 3 mornings a week. I also ask her to straighten her bed and put her dirty washing in the washing bin which I feel is fairly reasonable.

It seems that no matter what we try, she can't manage to get things done on time. Together we have written her a 'schedule' which she fully agreed to at the time, but she doesn't stick to it. It's really basic, such as get up at 6:45, get dressed by 7:15, downstairs by 7:30 etc.

I'm constantly reminding (nagging!) her so that we leave on time to get to school, and it's getting us both down. She feels like all I do is moan at her, which I probably do. My patience is wearing thin and I feel like I'm snappy with her, which obviously doesn't help at all. I get to work feeling stressed and down and I hate dropping her at school having moaned at her all morning.

Can anyone suggest how we can improve our mornings? Or any tips about how to encourage her/hurry her along in a positive way? Am I expecting too much from her? Should I stop asking her to do anything other than get herself ready?

I feel like a really miserable, moany mum and I hate the thought that she'll look back on her teenage years with a negative view of me nagging constantly :(

Get her to manage her time make her own timetable and understand it. Stick it on the wall. Let her be late once if needed

Routines are her friend.

If she can put a routine in place that she does all her morning tasks in the same way each day, she will find it all much less stressful and easier to manage as she wont have to ‘think’ as much..

Sit down and talk to her about trying a rigid routine and what are the things that she wants to include in it. Make the point that part of a routine is always putting things in the same place, so that you always find them in the same place….so part of what gets included is her setting herself up for success the night before. So the school bag is always packed and put by the back door before she goes to bed. Then in the morning she only has to add her lunch …. School shoes are always next to her bag….. Toothbrush is always on the side of the sink

Then she makes a written step by step list with timings and a copy goes in her bedroom and a copy on the fridge.

Run it for a week and then she can make adjustments as needed.

In the mornings, you dont nag her to do stuff, you ask her how she is doing with her list, is she ahead or behind, if she is behind, can you help her catch up for that morning. Then tomorrow she gets a chance to run the list again. It takes about 3 weeks to set a new habit.

Also, consider offering her caffeine in the morning first thing. It helps with ADHD as it acts similarly to the medications, but in a smaller way

I just wanted to come on to say to everyone saying "let her be late, natural consequences". As far as I'm aware from my husband's diagnosis, people with ADHD don't learn from natural consequences in the same way that NT people do. My husband is 50 and still cannot manage to be on time for work, appointments, anything, despite many "natural consequences" of him being late.

Yes and I agree, til she's on meds drop the extra stuff, walk the dog yourself etc.

As an adult who struggles with these things and has no one to nag me.....

Move as much as possible to the evening. Eg laundry, general tidying, prepping school bag etc.

Make the list more, an order of things to do rather than time. So don't get-up, then get frozen whilst deciding whether to get dressed first or make bed etc.
I lose so much time paralysed with indecision, so if there is no question but always.
Get-up
Bathroom
Clothes
Tidy bed
Breakfast
Walk dog
Fetch back and shoes and leave

In a strict order then there is no need to think and decide.

And lastly, I'm sure it's frustrating to live with, but she isn't doing it to piss you off and can't 'just' not be like that. Helping her find tools and management techniques now will stand her in good stead for later in life and is the kindest thing you can do imo.

Does she have a phone? My friend found reminders. At set times from phone in the morning helped her ds with adhd. She feels it was because it was not nagging when the phone did it. May not help your dd but worth a shoot?

As someone with ADHD whose mum had me in a strict routine with chores, especially at the weekend, I still don’t make my bed, or clean nearly as frequently as she made me.

Time blindness is a things and very hard to manage with ADHD, my son is the same (and me also to be fair)

Having been diagnosed with ADHD at 33, and seeing my DD(9) might have the same, I have worked out that the reason I can "do mornings" is that I have accidentally put in loads of coping mechanisms over the years to be able to do the main things I need to do.
It still doesn't always get me to brush my teeth or get it all right but the routine does help 1000%.
Most of the standard neurotypical advice won't help and it is worth looking at ADHD specific ideas to help.
Alarms on my phone with descriptions of what to do next help if not my usual routine and as someone else said, habit stacking.
Meds are certainly helping me but as there is a period of the morning where they haven't kicked in yet, I still need my routine.

It's so hard and I really sympathise. I agree with PP about dropping some of the rules, eg straightening bed. In the grand scheme it doesn't matter. My DD is in 6th form and on meds, and I'm still having to nag constantly. I don't mean that to depress you (!) but although you're right that your rules dont seem a big ask, they are to s/o with ADHD. DD's room is horrifying as I'm a tidy person, but it is what it is and I'd rather nag her about things that matter. So homework matters (if she wants to stay at school and do well at A'levels) and she's nagged about that. Keeping used cups and plates in her room matters because it's disgusting, so she's been told that irrespective of privacy, I will go in to clear up. It's like having a younger child really - you've got to pick your battles!

I'm just following this and saying I hear you! My eldest is the same. His school is 5 miles away, so not really walking distance and I could count on one hand the number of times he's made that bloody bus in the last month. I end up driving him to school. The stress is immense. The worst part of the day for both of us. He was assessed for ADHD a few years ago and it was decided he didn't have it, but the consultant said he had some obvious traits of ASD, so still awaiting assessment four - yes four - years later. (I still think he has ADHD - I think he has both - DP and several others in his family have ADHD.)

I don't think natural consequences work at all with ADHD. I have a friend who is late for everything, very obviously has ADHD, she is constantly in tears because she misses things, her dd suffers (e.g. turning up to the theater and missing the first half of a show, getting to see Santa too late and not being allowed in the queue). None of those natural consequences work.

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Same. We had a cleaner twice a week when I was growing up. I would shove everything in drawers/bags/cupboards before she came. Taught me nothing.

Have you looked at "right to choose"? It's still NHS but you take the forms to the GP and it's so much quicker. There's a Facebook group...

I'm just doing right to choose for myself and it's 3 months instead of 4 years.

England only, unfortunately.

looking at a 5-6 year wait here on the NHS. (Wales).

Oh gosh this is so hard, your poor friend. As someone with ADHD I feel very fortunate that time blindness isn’t an issue for me, because I think my life would be very different if it were. My organisation is a hot mess though, and I’m incredibly forgetful. I often end up in tears over yet another think I’ve forgotten to do

Elvanse is amazing it really is

Drop some of the tasks and focus on the essentials - get up, get clean, get dressed, get out.

You take the dog while she's doing those. Or could you book an earlier dog walker appointment?

Tidying up is a nicety she can do in the evening.

Put the dirty washing basket exactly where she gets undressed, if she's predictable.

I take it she can't get herself to school?

If it's possible though, being late and having a consequence could be good for her.

I remind myself every day that this is not DDs fault - it is the way she is wired and she is not doing this to annoy me. This is a good way of helping stay completely calm and empathetic.

We do everything early evening. And I mean everything. Just teeth brushing in the morning so we have plenty of time.
The rush of every day will not be helping her.

I personally would take away the dog walk. It’s a lot for her to fit in op.

Keep up the bed making - but help her cheerfully. Ditto everything ekse. Play classical music in the car to chill and decompress.

Thank you @SageBlossomBunny but I’m in NI and it is utterly shit here. I was advised to write to them with evidence that his condition merited an urgent appointment rather than routine. I did this. It was long(!) and included supporting information from CAMHS and his school, only to be told that it wouldn’t be fair (can’t remember the wording) to prioritise him over other children. It was a member of their own office who had advised me to go down this route. I honestly felt absolutely awful and guilt ridden when I received that letter. As if I was trying to jump the queue for no good reason.

Sorry for venting on your thread OP!

Absolutely get a second opinion with regard to the ADHD if you can, don't mention it's a second opinion so you can get a genuine review. You know your own son and it's in the family.

I'm not sure about the dog walk. If you're not medicating (we don't) then exercise is one of the best ways to support someone with ADHD. The dog walk could well help her concentrate at school better even if the morning routine is a shit show.

I have a very similar situation here.

What has helped is focusing on my own behaviour instead of hers. For example, to reframe the "washing in the basket" requirement, instead of you stating that she must put washing in the basket, explain that you are happy to wash anything that is put into a wash basket (we have several), but that you can't pick up clothes from the floor and guess whether they need washing. Then stick to it - only wash what's in the baskets. This way there is no demand on her to stick to a rule/demand; you've just stated your boundary. She might wear dirty clothes for a while, but IME this didn't last very long. An added bonus is that I am not to blame when x isn't washed; if it wasn't in the basket then it won't get washed ...

The being late in the morning one is hard because of your work. Personally I would state your boundary of "I am leaving for work at 8am" and stick to it. If she is late, then she either goes to school at whatever state of readiness she is in, or she doesn't get a lift. What happens if you don't give her a lift? Can she walk (and be late?) and she stay at home and miss a day and deal with the fall out from that (ie is she safe at home alone)?