How to stop nagging at DD 14 who has ADHD

[LittleRedRidingBoots]

My DD is 14. She has ADHD and as a result is a bit of a nightmare at getting herself sorted on time in the mornings. As well as getting herself ready for school she walks the dog (just round the block for 10 mins for a wee and a poo as we have a dog walker who comes later in the day) 3 mornings a week. I also ask her to straighten her bed and put her dirty washing in the washing bin which I feel is fairly reasonable.

It seems that no matter what we try, she can't manage to get things done on time. Together we have written her a 'schedule' which she fully agreed to at the time, but she doesn't stick to it. It's really basic, such as get up at 6:45, get dressed by 7:15, downstairs by 7:30 etc.

I'm constantly reminding (nagging!) her so that we leave on time to get to school, and it's getting us both down. She feels like all I do is moan at her, which I probably do. My patience is wearing thin and I feel like I'm snappy with her, which obviously doesn't help at all. I get to work feeling stressed and down and I hate dropping her at school having moaned at her all morning.

Can anyone suggest how we can improve our mornings? Or any tips about how to encourage her/hurry her along in a positive way? Am I expecting too much from her? Should I stop asking her to do anything other than get herself ready?

I feel like a really miserable, moany mum and I hate the thought that she'll look back on her teenage years with a negative view of me nagging constantly :(

this, all this - I have the power to manage my ADHD because I balance the expectations I set myself. My bed is never made - it makes no difference. I don’t have a dog, I have a cat as I can manage feeding them but I know a dog would be too much for me to cope with this. At this point what you’re expecting might not be what she can cope with and she might make choices similar to us to manage herself as as an adult.

what would work for her? Have a chat and see what she thinks would be manageable, and what would be useful.

My DS had ADHD and was medicated whilst he was at school. At 18 he chose the no medication route. I know what it's like having to remind for homework to be completed, laundry brought down etc in the end I just accepted he couldn't function like most other people and life was easier. I prioritised homework and said no gaming or free time until he was completed and I checked it every evening. After he was 18 he slowly had to learn life skills. Teen years are hard for most parents but with a child with ADHD especially hard. My advice let your expectations slip to what she can manage.

Privately meds should be given at diagnosis if wanted and this can happen in the NHS too. When was the diagnosis and when are you expecting her to start meds?

My DD is now grown up - age 24.

You may feel that as an adult she "needs" to do various things but actually, some of them don't need to be done at all and some a child with adhd might not manage.

So for example, many adults don't straighten their bed at all. I don't. My DD doesn't. That really isn't something that adults "need" to do it's just something you are imposing on her.

My DS is in her final year of a physics degree. She often doesn't attend lectures and catches up on the recordings afterwards. She "needs" to pass the degree and pass the assignments but turning up for her lectures is not actually compulsory as long as she learns the content and passes the assignments and the degree.

She is routinely late for things. Tooth brushing happens at some point in the day but not always in the morning.

She got very anxious during her a levels about being late and not being able to concentrate and as a result wound up on anti anxiety meds because she was basically unable to function because of the shame of not being like everyone else.

Shaming kids with adhd usually results in anxiety, depression and self harm so I wouldn't be going down that road as once they start self harming (my DD did) it's a bloody long and hard road to support them back to developing some self esteem.

She does her own washing. Usually when she runs out of clothes, and although she does have a dirty clothes bag it's usually the floor they live on. She does have a separate pile.

It's not the way I would do it - I have a dirty washing bag and wash pretty regularly - but she does her own, her system works for her. Constant nagging over needing to put dirty clothes in a specific place is actually really not needed and won't be helping her.

Thank you everyone, you've all given me a lot to think about and made me realise that I need to chill a bit with my expectations. Particularly making the bed! (Was drummed into me as a child that this was imperative and has definitely stuck). Am going to have a good talk with her tonight, and work out a plan for us to stop her feeling so nagged and me being so stressy!

Body doubling is also useful for those that struggle to get things done. Doing tasks alongside someone else can be really helpful.

You’re blaming your parents for what is literally caused by ADHD!
I have ADHD too, and believe you me, parents being stricter would not have helped you compensate for ADHD.

But it is a huge ask for someone with adhd.

You need to reframe your thinking. She's not doing all this because she is lazy or disorganized. She has a disability that affects her ability to do stuff the way a neurotypical person would do it.

Get her a laundry basket for her room, who cares if her bed isn't made, it's not important. Speak to her about what she thinks would make the morning routine easier. The more you nag, the harder it is for someone with adhd. Look up task paralysis. The more demands, the harder it is to get going.

One of my dc is 8, and adhd/asd. We were always nagging him to brush his teeth and it was a huge battle. After we actually spoke to him about why he hates doing his teeth so much it turns out because of his dyspraxia he really struggles with squeezing toothpaste out. So when dh is doing his teeth, he puts a bit of toothpaste on dc toothbrush. A NT child wouldn't need that, sure, but my dc does. Some people would see it as pandering but suddenly we have no problems with toothbrushing. I'm sure if you talk to her about it you'll identify some of the issues she's having and come up with solutions together - and i guarantee that some of the things she will say are a problem for her wouldn't even cross your mind.

OP, try (and I mean try) to not feel too guilty and kick yourself about this. You're doing your best with the cards you've been given. Focus on moving forward.
My son (9) has ADHD, was diagnosed at 6. I dont have a diagnosis but he is the carbon copy of me.
Mornings similarly stressful here. I have removed as many steps as possible from our mornings- all he has to do is get dressed, eat breakfast so he can take meds, and brush his teeth, shoes, coat etc. About once every 6 months we have to go back to basics ans I have to support him to get dressed. I pay for school meals because it is beyond us both to think about making packed lunches.

I make him breakfast because otherwise he just wouldn't eat in the mornings.
We get everything ready the night before- I make "sets" of uniform so all he has to do is pull out one pile and it's all there- tshirt, trousers, jumper, etc.
It's a long old process but you'll build your coping mechanisms and it will work out. I'm on the fence about natural consequences- I've seen them work but also not work and that leads to almighty meltdowns here which then means he's basically out of action for a good hour or two. If you've got to get to work, you've got to get to work and sometimes that means nagging.

My son is medicated but takes them in the morning- my point being that even medication won't do you loads of favours in the mornint because it will take a while to kick in.

Hugs OP, you've got this and I'm sure your DD knows that you love her.

OP, you've had lots of good advice and have taken a lot on board. Re the bed, I think you can actually use this as an additional helpful thing. "Right DD, I've realised I'm asking too much of you in the morning and that's not fair. We're goign to abandon bed making to make your life easier. Perhaps you can do it when you get in rather so that your room feels nice and tidy before you do your homework or relax."

I also think the dog walk, while understandable, is a bit of a big ask at this point.

DS is perfectly capable of getting his own breakfast, but on week days, I quite often do it for him. Gives him a target "DS - breakfast will be ready in five minutes, finish getting dressed pleased", ensures he eats properly in the morning etc.

Phone alarms, and checklists.

I am trying to imagine the snap bands. Can you link to what they look like?

I would absolutely remove the dog walk and get her to do it at weekends instead.

@PandaChopChop

Hugs OP, you've got this and I'm sure your DD knows that you love her.

Thank you for this, definitely needed

There is no way I’d ever hope for my NT DD to walk a dog or do anything apart from get ready in the morning so I feel that your expectations are very high! In the evening I expect this sort of thing to be done and it is as she’s just better in the evening.

Please get her medicated. Unmedicated ADHD is disastrous, and you won't find it at all easy to get her to stick to your schedule without it.

.

Dr Barkley is amazing, he is very honest and yes, he has ADHD. I'm a late diagnosis ADHDer, and my life has suffered very badly as a result.

This Saturday, have her get up and get ready for school. Don't nag her, don't hurry her along, just time her doing each stage and note it down. That's how long she naturally takes to do each task.

On Sunday, set up phone alarms that reflect how long she naturally takes to do each task and have her get ready for school again, using the alarms to prompt the next task. If this works, use it on school days.

I suggest this based on a book called Never Be Late Again and my own experiences of being autistic and probably having inattentive ADHD with it because many autistic women have iADHD. Most of us never get a chance as children to find out how long we naturally take to do things because our parents decide for us how long we "should" take, based on their adult physical coordination and ability to concentrate.

Using the phone alarms to prompt means it's not you nagging, it's the alarms.

I threw in the towel and decided it was more important to have harmony in the house than trying to get blood from a stone.

It's not their fault that they're a total sodding nightmare. Their brains are wired totally differently from ours.

I decided that the only way I could cope was to enable her to get ready with as few demands as possible. for example...

uniform ready and on a hanger - and I mean all clothes from underwear upwards, on the hanger.

no need to tidy room, make bed, pick up clothes (I could do all that)

simple breakfast ready on the table

school bag ready and checked for all things needed for that day

simplifying her life by removing all things that were superfluous to requirements.

Good luck!

And I write all this as I sit here with task paralysis- got to take.all the Halloween Dec's down, mow the grass, take several bags of garden waste to the tip, finish painting the fence and carry on with sorting out the garden. And I've got to get some work done, cook the dinner and get DS bag ready for swimming. I don't know how my (NT) DD survives living with us 🤣

I agree with most posters that you need to whittle the morning to essentials only. If the dog walk can be set for afternoon so there is no firm deadline down to the minute to get home, that would help a lot.

Bedmaking in the morning is actually not a good thing because it is healthier to leave the covers back so your bed can air out…having a sunbeam on the bottom sheet in the day helps with cleanliness too. So I’d delete that task.
Getting as much done the evening before works best for us (ADHD and ADD), we also have checklists and reminders on phone alarms.

So school bag checked and ready with PE bag if it is a PE day by the front door. As teens I used to do it with them as a team until they felt confident to do it themselves and I’d just remind at bedtime…got your school stuff all ready? And sometimes spot check to ensure the homework theyd done was actually IN the school bag or ask them to log on and check they’d actually submitted the homework online.

I have a son with ADHD.

Personally I would drop the requirement of her needing to walk the dog and do it yourself? Her getting to school on time is more important.

Maybe ask her to walk the dog at night instead

I have adhd diagnosed as a teenager and even to this day at nearly 40 years old I have an unmade bed and my pyjamas chucked on the floor from me rushing this morning. As someone who can empathise with your daughter, please just let the non important things go in the mornings, her getting herself and her bag etc ready is all that needs to be done, it's easy to think making the bed etc is a simple quick task but it is things like this that are a really struggle when you have this condition. I am on medication still and it still only helps to an extent.

This is good advice.

Teenagers body clocks are 2 hours behind adults and children, they’re not supposed to be awake until 8/9 ish. Anything which can be shifted to the evening should be.

Have you asked what would help her? My daughter uses a slide tick list or even just a list of things she needs to do to help reduce the need for thinking time.

The problem with this is that ADHD isn’t so predictable. It’s not as simple as being “naturally” slower. The amount of impact it has getting tasks done even depends on how well you slept the night before, whether you get distracted(pets and siblings often distract and derail), whether you are worried about a test or class presentation or certain classmate, whether you think your hair looks horrible, whether you find a spot, whether you really are forcing yourself to eat breakfast…. There isn’t any way to come up with a “naturally how long” a person with ADHD takes to do x as it will vary.

If you are looking for useful tools then goblin tools website is great one of the tools is a To Do list so you input the task "Tidy Bedroom" and it will break it down into smaller tasks to help you stay on track. She may find this useful going forward.