How to stop nagging at DD 14 who has ADHD

[LittleRedRidingBoots]

My DD is 14. She has ADHD and as a result is a bit of a nightmare at getting herself sorted on time in the mornings. As well as getting herself ready for school she walks the dog (just round the block for 10 mins for a wee and a poo as we have a dog walker who comes later in the day) 3 mornings a week. I also ask her to straighten her bed and put her dirty washing in the washing bin which I feel is fairly reasonable.

It seems that no matter what we try, she can't manage to get things done on time. Together we have written her a 'schedule' which she fully agreed to at the time, but she doesn't stick to it. It's really basic, such as get up at 6:45, get dressed by 7:15, downstairs by 7:30 etc.

I'm constantly reminding (nagging!) her so that we leave on time to get to school, and it's getting us both down. She feels like all I do is moan at her, which I probably do. My patience is wearing thin and I feel like I'm snappy with her, which obviously doesn't help at all. I get to work feeling stressed and down and I hate dropping her at school having moaned at her all morning.

Can anyone suggest how we can improve our mornings? Or any tips about how to encourage her/hurry her along in a positive way? Am I expecting too much from her? Should I stop asking her to do anything other than get herself ready?

I feel like a really miserable, moany mum and I hate the thought that she'll look back on her teenage years with a negative view of me nagging constantly :(

It gives the DD more of a chance of having enough time than if the timetable is set by an adult.

I agree with this. It sounds like she might need more support with staying on track and ‘body doubling’, so just having someone with her whilst she completes the tasks she needs to. I appreciate that just adds more pressure onto you but unfortunately that’s the reality of having a disabled child. I can relate, I spent far too long having to nag my son before I realised it’s easier for all involved if I just stay with him and keep him on track. Makes for much calmer mornings, and then I try to use the weekends to help him manage it a bit more independently.

Out of interest, why don't you use medication?

I did "the walk of shame" into school more times than I can count, with consequent detentions. Despite this, as an adult, I've missed trains, buses, job interviews, weddings, funerals, and medical appointments because my time blindness is so bad.

What works for your NT daughter won't work for kids with ADHD.

I make my bed once per week, on Saturday when I replace the sheets. The rest of the time, the covers are pulled back to let it air.

So far, the sky hasn't fallen in and the world is still turning.

Bed making really really really doesn't matter.

I equate a made bed and a tidy house as being ordered and calm .
i fight and fail to have order and calm in life .
i wish that more of these daily life tasks were more deeply bedded into me.
I see others just doing all these routine things
and wish I could.

i feel that if my parents had been more structured and insistent that they would have become habits.

My son is adhd and medicated, mornings don't tend to be an issue here...our issues are from dinner time onwards.
We have a strict morning routine, this is relaxed come the weekend.
Breakfast at 7, radio on in the background. Timer set for 15 mins, then it's medication, teeth and get dressed. I pretend I'm doing jobs upstairs as his medication kicks in he's extremely stimulated for a good 20 odd mins, so he may need gentle reminders.
Once he's dressed, hair done, lynx sprayed....time is his until 5 min shoe warning. I will leave the house with the engine running and he's able to pick up his bag and shut the front door.
Chores wise, he loves money and will clean his room, load the washing machine on a Saturday to earn this.
It's hard and body tiring needing to keep reminding them, my son hates my voice as do I!

I have a 10yo DD with AuDHD. She is at middle school as we're in a 3-tier system, so is already needing to deal with the expectations that usually aren't put on DCs until secondary. She found the level of responsibility very hard at first, but has now embraced the independence side even if she still drops quite a few balls.

A pared back morning routine following the same order every day, with phone alarms set for each task every 5-10 minutes work for us too. The phone is neutral and can't be accused of nagging. I build enough time into the intervals so that if DD gets distracted, she can make it up on the next interval with a bit of a hustle. There is no bed making or any kind of tidying happening in the morning, and her share of pet care is done after school.

She has a bus to catch, so it is a hard deadline to get out of the house on time. This sometimes means she is stuffing toast into her mouth as she runs to the bus stop or has to do her hair on the bus, but she hasn't yet missed the bus due to her own poor time keeping (DH is also time-blind, and has made her late numerous times on 'his' days, resulting in having to drive her a village or two over to catch the school bus. He can't/won't use timers for some unexplained reason...).
What would happen if you didn't take her to school OP? Could she get there another way if she was running late and you left to be on time yourself? Even only dropping her part way (if the school is a detour) to 'make up' the lost time from your schedule could work? Natural consequences don't work for everyone, but I know my DD hates getting into even a little bit of trouble at school and will strongly prioritise this not happening as a result. Being late a few times might also help focus your DD's mind.

With homework, I ask her once a day after school if she has any/remind her to check. After that, I leave her to it. If she gets a detention for it being undone/late, so be it (she knows she can ask for help if she needs it, of course). In later life she won't get any reminders unless she's set them up herself, so I think it's really important to hand over responsibility slowly in an age-appropriate way, so she can find her own workarounds/methods to keep on top of things.
DCs need to be supplied with the tools to succeed whilst also being allowed to fail the smaller stuff IMO.

They wouldn’t.

Bed making really really really doesn't matter.

I absolutely agree. But still the guilt .... It's ridiculous!

My younger daughter struggled so badly with adhd plus asd/pda and I never asked her to do chores. I prioritised helping her to stay balanced and able to cope with the world.

Of course I was criticised for it but anyway she now has a job, a boyfriend, a house.

I would say to prioritise your relationship with your daughter and helping her to stay regulated and in school etc. If you position it as you being kind and supportive to her struggles rather than as a defeat for you, it should help with all three.

I have DC with ADHD. Mornings are really difficult. Even if DC take meds they haven't kicked in in time to help much with getting ready to go. DCs have devised different morning coping strategies.

1 get up very early (5:30) to complete all tasks. To do lists on whiteboard and reminder alerts on phone to help make sure nothing is forgotten. Despite all the available time, bed is seldom made. We are working on this.

1. Get absolutely everything ready the night before: bags packed, clothes laid out - up and out within 30 minutes. No time for distractions. Bed is nearly always made.

I do help by doing breakfasts and packed lunches.

DC then get to school 30 minutes early to allow time to prepare for the day. They find it easier to be calm and prepared if they arrive at school before most of the other pupils.

It has taken several years (and me shouting out instructions and reminders every morning until I was hoarse) to get to this stage. I used to regularly be close to tears finding DCs engaged in side-projects when teeth and hair hadn't been brushed.

My dd is 10 and I'm not yet convinced by the research on what medication does to developing female brains. I'm aware of the vast amount of work done on adult brains (mainly men), but there have been very few studies on tracking medication effects from childhood into adulthood in general but very little (none) on girls.

I know some studies have shown physical improvements to brain structure as a result of medication and that's certainly tempting and I've followed Russell Barkley's content too. He is very persuasive but he doesn't discuss questions that haven't been posed, only those he can back up with studies. The gender bias in ADHD research is only recently being discussed. So 20 years ago no one was really asking "in what way does ADHD medication impact teen girl's brain development?" While I can definitely see it's beneficial I'm just not convinced that I know all the facts I'd want to know.

My parents were structured and insistent. I ended up depressed, attempting suicide in my teens, and self-harming. I flunked out of college because higher education was overwhelming and went to uni as a mature student in my late twenties.

Did my parents nagging and shouting help me with adult stuff? Let me see:

• I think I last showered on Saturday, not sure.
• I might have last combed my hair yesterday, not sure.
• I think I brushed my teeth last night? I haven't yet today.
• I'm spending my lunch time lying down to recover enough to do my afternoon work.
• I'm dreading my office day tomorrow with the showering and commuting and stuff.

I have inattentive ADHD, my partner has the can't sit still kind... We work well together by recognising our strengths and weaknesses.

Personally the first two things I would drop are asking her to straighten her bed and putting the washing in the wash bin in the morning, I think as long as this is done at some point during the day this is acceptable. I know it's not ideal having washing on the floor all day but in the grand scheme of things as long as it's done daily that's the main thing.

I can't stick to time schedules, I used to and it really burnt me out. I wake up for work at 7, I get up at 7:30, get ready, do DDs lunch (dp does school run), her hair and leave by 7:45. If I got up at at 7 I would end up in the adhd paralysis and I'd be late (and have been).

I think a bit of work on both parts is a good idea but your daughters brain doesn't work in the same way as your own, talk to her about what would work better for her. Would getting ready in a short time be better than having an hour? Write down the things she needs to do like get dressed / breakfast / dog etc and don't worry about the schedule of it as long as she's out of the door on time.

Things aren't the same for everyone, she will probably have other suggestions but really it took me until I was 36 to get a good handle on my routines and what things work for me. My partner was 39.

Be open to suggestion and have plenty of conversations :)

FYI, you sound like a really good mum. It can be really challenging to live with and help manage someone with adhd. You're doing the right thing by trying to manage your expectations and understand where your dd struggles and how to help her. She may also have times of the day where she's much more proactive when she can get the majority of her tasks completed. Don't be too hard on yourself, all any of us can do is try our best by our kids.

That's a shame for your daughter to be denied a very effective treatment, which has been shown to improve brain development in the long-term when given at that age, in her key educational years, which might have passed by the time you decide you're happy with the data.

@Tooffless
Thank you for that info. I was very unsure about meds and still am.
We chose to medicate because of the effect on DD's mental health - she was in such a bad way, there wasn't really a choice - but it's concerning how little female-sex-specific research is done across the board, not just for adhd.

Please don’t try to guilt parents into making medical decisions that they aren’t comfortable with.

I faced just as much judgement about deciding to medicate my son. The decision is for each family alone.

There’s been loads of great advice on this thread - yes to making the mornings as simple as possible, yes to timers, reminders, lists and to a consistent sequence of things each morning.

Body doubling works for us (I sometime just stay on a call or connect over Alexa so we can chat as we both get ready in different parts of the house - means I can get on with stuff but still be body doubling.

Shouting, nagging and pressure just slow things down even more.

I’d also add that don’t worry too much about the future at this stage. I have a 16 year old DD with ADHD and their ability to get ready and out the house on time continues to improve bit by bit - and dramatically since the end of GCSEs - I think because there is generally less pressure all round. There’s a developmental delay aspect with ADHD too so just because they find something hard now doesn’t necessarily mean it will remain as difficult for ever.

Parental discomfort shouldn't stop their children receiving safe and effective treatment. That's the argument of anti-vaxxers.

@premierleague I haven't ruled it out, it's just not something we want right now. My dd excels at school despite inattention. That may change as she gets older and we may consider it. But please don't put me in an anti-vaxxer camp. I'm an academic with full access to and training to read neuroscience journals. I weigh the pros and cons very carefully and will continue to do so.

I would get an Alexa or similar for her room and set reminders as to what task she's meant to be on. The robot can do the nagging instead of you. If you have a second one downstairs, you can also drop in and speak to her to make sure she's on task without having to trek up and down the stairs.

DD has found that Equazen capsules help her. She really notices on days she forgets. Have also made sure her diet is healthy, she takes an iron tablet and multivitamin and drinks plenty of water.

With the meds shortages as they are now, I’d rather hold off meds until supply is sorted. As the impact on me stopping and starting would be even harder for her to manage.

It's none of your business whether she medicates her child and it's not your place to judge her for it.

I tried elvanse and had extreme heart palpitations and had to immediately come off them. I tried concerta for a few months and had a pounding heart, dizziness, fatigue, anxiety, teeth clenching, increase in depression, marked increase of tics and stims, nausea, sleep problems, weight gain and trouble sleeping.

Yeah i was more focused. Big whoop. My body then got used to it, so it was wearing off by lunchtime and id crash with exhaustion in the afternoon. Not good when you need to work.

These medications are not a cure and can have their own side effects that are not worth the benefits.

Do you know what's better than medication?

Learning to live with ADHD and getting reasonable adjustments at school and work. We shouldn't have to medicate ourselves to be socially acceptable.