How to stop nagging at DD 14 who has ADHD

[LittleRedRidingBoots]

My DD is 14. She has ADHD and as a result is a bit of a nightmare at getting herself sorted on time in the mornings. As well as getting herself ready for school she walks the dog (just round the block for 10 mins for a wee and a poo as we have a dog walker who comes later in the day) 3 mornings a week. I also ask her to straighten her bed and put her dirty washing in the washing bin which I feel is fairly reasonable.

It seems that no matter what we try, she can't manage to get things done on time. Together we have written her a 'schedule' which she fully agreed to at the time, but she doesn't stick to it. It's really basic, such as get up at 6:45, get dressed by 7:15, downstairs by 7:30 etc.

I'm constantly reminding (nagging!) her so that we leave on time to get to school, and it's getting us both down. She feels like all I do is moan at her, which I probably do. My patience is wearing thin and I feel like I'm snappy with her, which obviously doesn't help at all. I get to work feeling stressed and down and I hate dropping her at school having moaned at her all morning.

Can anyone suggest how we can improve our mornings? Or any tips about how to encourage her/hurry her along in a positive way? Am I expecting too much from her? Should I stop asking her to do anything other than get herself ready?

I feel like a really miserable, moany mum and I hate the thought that she'll look back on her teenage years with a negative view of me nagging constantly :(

I don't have ADHD and there's no way I would have done all that as a teenager, I don't even do it now! Brush teeth, grab my bag, that's it.

Learning to live with ADHD and getting reasonable adjustments at school and work. We shouldn't have to medicate ourselves to be socially acceptable.

I've heard ADHD meds described as "like glasses for your brain". You might argue that I shouldn't have to wear glasses for my refractive impairments, but in reality, my life is hella easier for doing so.

Do glasses also cause significant side effects then?

Learning to live with ADHD and getting reasonable adjustments at school and work. We shouldn't have to medicate ourselves to be socially acceptable.

I don't htink this is a fair assessment of medication. You're right, sometimes there's an element of "take the meds so that you behave like everyone else" and I think most of us would agree that's not great. But it's also about "take the meds because the school system is set up for children to perform in this way and if you want to get the learning and the qualifications, you have to work within this system to a large extent." As you get older, you can look at alternatives, and yes, we need to make adjustments, but there's only so many adjustments that are practical. eg, many ADHD children would, I suspect, much prefer a school day that started later and finished later. But, unless we start creating large scale schools for ADHD children that operate this way, we have to work with the reality of needing to be out the door by 8:00 or whatever it is.

DS knows already that ideally, seeking some kidn of 9-5 job is not going to work for him. He also knows he wants something taht will allow him to remain active. So he's not considering a job as a lawyer or an accountant. He's considering the police, or physiotherapy or similar - jobs where he can work different hours and where he can be moving and out and about.

Also, for DS, the meds help him to feel more in control. It's less about taking the meds so he performs appropriately at school and more so that he feels less out of controla nd like his mind isn't racing in 10000 directions at once.

My comment was specifically responding to someone who is judging the fuck out of someone who has made an informed decision not to medicate her child.

I'm glad medication is working for your child, but it's not right for everyone. I maintain that society learning to change and accommodate people with ND conditions would be preferable to medication. The answer to "my child is struggling with adhd" doesn't have to be a default answer of "medication" and that you're a bad parent if you don't medicate.

Societal changes are already happening - i got reasonable adjustments agreed at work that make it possible for me to do my job without medication. 10 or 20 years ago it would have been unthinkable to get reasonable adjustments for adhd. Especially as a woman.

https://www.adhd-love.co.uk/

I like the way Rich supports Rox with her adhd and this might work for you - see where your daughter struggles and help in practical ways rather than get cross.

Re the meds my daughter tried them and they helped her focus at school but that was all.

She also has what is termed executive functioning difficulties and these mean she struggles to plan and execute things and meds don't help with this.

My daughter also has dyslexia and hypermobility ie adhd is only part of the picture. Often it's easy to pick out sth like adhd and assume that if you fix that, all will be well, but it's often more complicated.

My daughter knows what to do now she has her own flat. But she doesn't/ wouldn't have a dog, say, as that's an unnecessary load of work which she couldn't cope with on top of everything else. She basically gets in from work, has dinner, watches tv and goes to bed.

It’s not comparable with the anti-vax argument at all. There are huge risks to taking ADHD medications, as well as “acceptable” side effects. Vaccines protect society and our most vulnerable.

My 7yo has lost 7kg in the past year on medication and his anxiety has gone through the roof. It’s such a delicate balance and I won’t hesitate to stop him from taking them if the balance isn’t right.

Here with solidarity!

My 15 year old has suspected ADHD and ASD (awaiting assessment), and mornings are a battle. He's just so disorganised, and his time keeping is abysmal.
Added to that, he doesn't sleep well (has been on melatonin for years) so he's trying to do everything whilst exhausted. It's really cruddy and I hate starting the day nagging and having a go. He also really hates confrontation, so I particularly hate doing it

We try and encourage him to do as much as possible before bed - find uniform, pack school bag etc, but even that's hard as he's tired by then.

Anyway, I hear you!

Reasonable adjustments and medication aren't really comparable. One is to create an environment where people with ADHD can flourish and the other is to deal with the difficult symptoms ADHD can present.

I don't want to live in a constantly messy and disordered home.
I don't want to have to limit my activities to quick dopamine fixes because I don't have the focus for reading, crafting or anything which involves delayed gratification.
I don't want to have a very narrow window of employment opportunities because I can't do anything which requires sustained concentration or organisational skills.
I don't want to forget personal and medical appointments and not be able to book anything in advance because I'm too impulsive.

No workplace is going to consider removing all tasks that may be boring or hard to focus on in a role to be "reasonable." Some parts of ADHD make enjoying life very hard and reasonable adjustments can't fix all of them.

I love Rich and Rox, but improvement in executive functioning skills has been the number 1 benefit to meds for me, and in fact, for most people I know using medication.

Stopping because of side-effects isn't comparable to not trying them. Of course it's the individual parent's decision but no parent would say 'we aren't medicating my daughter's asthma' and it saddens me that the stigma of ADHD still remains such that it is treated so differently. Even high-flying kids often realise after trying meds that they were doing well, but not reaching their full potential.

No but given that there are well known risks it’s perfectly reasonable to decide not to medicate for now. It doesn’t mean the PPs child isn’t being supported in other therapeutic ways. It’s actually an incredibly old-fashioned view that ADHD is a medical problem and therefore medication is the only solution.

My daughter did try the meds but we didn't find them transformative, whereas a friend's daughter did. Both girls present very differently. I think the point is that there isn't a solution that suits everyone and there are lots of different routes to explore.

Just here in sympathy @LittleRedRidingBoots
DD (17) is exactly the same and we've been having a lot of conversations recently about how I can support her to get better at organisation skills and time management without just constantly nagging her.
Honestly, I feel like i'm the speaking clock in the morning. I'm constantly reminding her of the time and how long she's got. It's not good.

I am not diagnosed with ADHD but suspect I have it, and for me the thing about tasks to leave the house is that any that are not absolutely essential just will not be done. I am operating on adrenalin to get through it, and while that might push someone to get dressed and out, it just isn’t going to work on something that your brain knows can wait, eg. the bed, or the washing. Similarly I can’t get much ready the night before, because it’s only the fact of it being last minute rush that can raise the adrenalin and get me moving. If I try to get things ready the night before, I will wait so long to manage to start that I will just be up even later than normal. I might be able to get things ready if someone walked me through it.

For me one of the ironies is that I struggle to operate when things are messy, unpleasant or disorganised, but they always are because I don’t manage to set them straight. So for your daughter if you can step in and help design a system that works and a place for things that’s easy for her to follow that could help a lot, though to be fair it sounds like you already have. Definitely though shift the timing for the bed and the washing, because they just are not essential so the motivation just chemically won’t be there. If you get to a point where she is easily managing in the mornings maybe that could be reassessed then.

I think your daughter is really lucky to have your support.

Thank you all - some more suggestions to consider and some things to try that I haven't thought of! Really helpful. Also thank you to those of you who have written kind things, I really do appreciate the hand hold and support as I have been massively doubting lately if I'm being the mum she deserves.

I've had a really good, calm talk with DD this evening and we've talked through many of the ideas suggested in this thread. I'm hopeful that we've come up with a bit of a plan that will work for her, and the rest of the family to an extent.

So thank you all again

Well done. You sound a really lovely parent and her feeling you're "for" her will go such a long way 😍..

That sounds great OP, I’m sure you’ll find something that works together, and she knows you’re listening to hear which counts for so much 🙂

How did this morning go?

@MrSeptember actually much better! No dog walk and no bed, and far less 'reminders' from me definitely helped. I also made an effort to keep things light and she responded really well and seemed so much better with just getting up and ready. And we were ready to leave on time with no stressing!

Excellent news!! I think when they realise that you're not ngging because you're being mean, it helps and the response is better. So the very act ofhaving this conversation will be helping a lot too.

Great, well done. With my daughter, because I reduced most demands, when I did put my foot down, she knew it was important and she mostly cooperated.

Pain behind one ear, all day, every day, where the arm presses on some scar tissue. No such thing as glasses that don't cause this. Pain, or at best discomfort, on my nose, all day, every day. Again, all glasses cause this.

Contact lenses aren't available for my prescription and, when I wore contacts before I had this prescription, they made my eyeballs bleed.

no parent would say 'we aren't medicating my daughter's asthma'

Some would. There are still parents who won't let their kids wear glasses.

If an asthmatic child tried inhalers and they didn't work or had unacceptable side-effects, stopping would be the correct course of action. But saying "we aren't medicating my daughter's asthma" from the start would rightly be questioned and would possibly even constitute neglect. And, whilst she might get excused PE as a reasonable adjustment, she's still going to have asthma attacks when climbing stairs without some kind of inhaler and her life will be objectively harder because of this.

I have depression and the side-effects of the meds are not by any means negligible. Life on them nonetheless beats being consistently suicidal, so I take them. If the side-effects outweighed the benefits, I wouldn't take them.

I don't see why ADHD is any different from depression or asthma or any other disabling condition that can be improved by medication.

Adhd is a highly contentious condition. It is diagnosed using a scoring system - my daughter's teacher scored her within normal range but her TA scored her highly. Both saw her every school day. So much of it is subjective.

With eye sight and asthma you have proper tests. Adhd testing is nothing like that.

My daughter is adopted and was severely neglected as a young child. Her behaviours came under the banner of ashd, but they could have been caused by the early neglect, foetal alcohol exposure etc. Turned out she had autism and a speech and language problem. Maybe they were causing her adhd like problems?

She did try the meds but they only helped slightly with focus at school. Then we sent her to a school specialising in speech and language and she didn't need the meds.

What I'm saying is that adhd is not straightforward. A lot of it is based around cultural expectations and how a child struggles to conform. Much of it does not need medicating. Changing the environment or being more understanding often works too. And the meds can have side effects like loss of appetite.