How to stop nagging at DD 14 who has ADHD

[LittleRedRidingBoots]

My DD is 14. She has ADHD and as a result is a bit of a nightmare at getting herself sorted on time in the mornings. As well as getting herself ready for school she walks the dog (just round the block for 10 mins for a wee and a poo as we have a dog walker who comes later in the day) 3 mornings a week. I also ask her to straighten her bed and put her dirty washing in the washing bin which I feel is fairly reasonable.

It seems that no matter what we try, she can't manage to get things done on time. Together we have written her a 'schedule' which she fully agreed to at the time, but she doesn't stick to it. It's really basic, such as get up at 6:45, get dressed by 7:15, downstairs by 7:30 etc.

I'm constantly reminding (nagging!) her so that we leave on time to get to school, and it's getting us both down. She feels like all I do is moan at her, which I probably do. My patience is wearing thin and I feel like I'm snappy with her, which obviously doesn't help at all. I get to work feeling stressed and down and I hate dropping her at school having moaned at her all morning.

Can anyone suggest how we can improve our mornings? Or any tips about how to encourage her/hurry her along in a positive way? Am I expecting too much from her? Should I stop asking her to do anything other than get herself ready?

I feel like a really miserable, moany mum and I hate the thought that she'll look back on her teenage years with a negative view of me nagging constantly :(

This is really tricky. What happens if she is late- can you allow natural consequences to happen- she gets detention at school or whatever, so you can switch from nagging to supporting. I'm sorry you got in trouble today, What's your plan for tomorrow and how can I help?...

I don’t think you are asking too much but I do wonder if you should let her fail and be late. You could tell her I’m not going to nag you this week however if you are late you might a detention etc

At the moment her consequence of being late is you nagging her, maybe she needs something else to motivate her?

I have no words of wisdom I am afraid. Just solidarity, as I have adhd DD12 who is exactly the same.
I get so upset because I’m a horrible nagging moaning frustrating mum. And she gets upset at being nagged. But equally gets very upset if she is late or forgets things etc and asks for my help. She is keen to do things. She’s not naughty. She just can’t do it. Even for something she really really wants to do, getting out the door is an exhausting mission.
I almost feel like I bully her with the constant nagging. We too have the basic schedule. But she’ll take 21 minutes to put on socks. Even with alarms and clocks she has no concept of time at all.

I have a DD with adhd.

Personally I would:

Drop the requirement to straighten her bed (not important)

Move the putting dirty washing in the basket to the evening when she takes her clothes off (does she have a dirty washing basket in her room or in the bathroom? I put baskets in the bathrooms so it was easy and obvious to put the dirty clothes straight in there)

Be less fussed about the actual timings and more fussed about the order it's done in. So I'd check in after (example) clothes on to see whether she was on track but if it was 7:16 rather than 7:15 I wouldn't be bothered.

Generally moving stuff to evening rather than morning was a win for us - so bag packed and prepped and by the door the night before, etc, all she needs to do is get up eat food and put clothes on and brush teeth. Baths/showers the night before.

Unfortunately I have to start work at 8:45 so if she's late, I'm late. Makes it difficult to allow her to face the consequences at school :(

No, she's not yet as we're very early on in the process but would definitely consider it if it would help her.

I have a 14 year old son with ADHD and my approach to leaving for school etc. is to let him get on with it and face the consequences of being late. He is rarely late anymore.
I have a whiteboard with tasks on, laundry in basket, room tidy (ish), bins out, cooking once a week for the family, with some support as he's very disorganised.
There are lists all over the house to remind him of stuff. Eg. Flush toilet, replace toilet roll, wash hands, brush teeth etc.
It's particularly difficult parenting a child with ADHD but generally natural consequences work best. Good luck xx

Thank you for the solidarity

Being a teen means her brain will struggle with mornings anyway, ADHD will make that doubly bad.

I think you're trying to push her to behave like a neurotypical person, and it would be better to adapt expectations and help her find adaptive techniques. Ask her what things she finds helpful? How about the night before, by 10pm, she needs to have laid out all her stuff for the morning including clothes, and done her tidying tasks. Keep the morning tasks absolutely minimal. If there's some morning mess in her room as she rushes out the door, does it matter? You could try a visual timetable for the absolutely critical morning tasks, like getting dressed.

The washing bin is in the bathroom, but I'm actually thinking about getting her one for her room as she tends to get undressed in there. I think I'll try and chill a bit about the state of her room and her bed as a compromise but I kind of feel like it isn't a huge ask. At this point though I feel like I will try anything to help us both feel less stressed!

why does she have to straighten her bed and sort her washing in the morning? The way to deal with ADHD is to adapt to what fits best. I’m in my forties currently waiting on my assessment for it - in all the years I have lived I have never attempted more in the morning that I have to do. So bare minimum is getting washed/ready/feeding the pet. My bed has never been made, clothes are dealt with when I get home.

mornings are incredibly hard - my goal is to make them as easy as possible so I can leave on time. That means shifting some things to later in the day. It might be worth trying that.

Do you think she is getting enough quality sleep at night? Mine has terrible anxiety coming out around bed time, so we've kept the habit of having a "bedtime stories" just before bed when we just have a quiet chat about any worries, I mind her worries overnight and give them back in the morning.

Lists work for DD, but she created her own system of post it notes for school things like equipment and clubs.

I'd be tempted to just focus on getting one bit sorted at a time, so if it's getting dressed, laying out clothes the previous evening in the order she needs to wear them, bearing in mind any new habits needs to be consistent for a few weeks.

Mornings are really hard with ADHD, does she need to be the one to walk the dog? Could dog walker come earlier and she do a walk after school? Can you help her prepare more the night before and leave visual triggers to do things - eg on doors she has to walk through? Remove as much clutter as you possibly can so nothing feels overwhelming.

mornings are the one time I’d say even meds don’t help, she’ll need to take them alongside a decent breakfast then it takes a little while for them to kick in.

I'm genuinely not sure about natural consequences with adhd as the reason for not doing things isn't to do with being wilful or consequences it's to do with having adhd.

So the brain can't process all the things in the morning.

Can you take away some of the pressures for a while and focus on the important ones- maybe the bed can be left. Can she swap to walking the dog in the afternoon as that's quite a big thing to do when you're struggling with self regulation. And like pp maybe clothes night before.

If you reduce the "load" in the morning you might be reducing it to a manageable task.

Id also talk with her but not from a *for goodness sake" perspective but from a " mornings are really tricky aren't they - I'm sorry I get cross and grumpy too as I know that doesnt help - maybe we can come up with a plan together that might help?"

Establishing a routine but with just a few steps can help. So focus on teeth, dressed, ready for school. Back to basics.

ND people struggle with executive function and planning and fitting lots of things into a small space of time. It easily becomes overwhelming. And then the sense of failure every time and feeling useless compounds this and builds into the self belief they can't do it. Being a teenager and having to do it all in the morning adds to this.

Its a disability and keep expecting better results but doing the same thing is pointless. Accepting she cannot regularly do this right now is a start.

Theres no point keep expecting it to improve without changing things and making it more accessible for her. There's no point thinking "well she's 14...she should...." about anything - she has adhd, so she struggles and will need support to do things around executive function.

It needs to be simple and manageable so she can "win" and perhaps in time add more steps. School is pressure and overwhelming for many ND students and having everything ready for the right day at school in itself is a task that many struggle with. It's better to lean managing skills with less and evernuatlky build when they're a routine than it is to keep failing at something she can't do.

So I would reduce the load, and try and work with her and let her feel you're on her side dealing with disability.

Also on the dog thing, transitions for me are hard so having to leave the house and come back and then leave again would make my morning feel really stressful

My son is 12 with adhd and asd. I decided to completely leave him to it: I don’t even ask about homework or tests and let him take charge, I have to say I’m pleasantly surprised. It’s really draining managing a child like that but honestly he seems to be taking pride in getting himself together so fingers crossed. I wonder if the same might work for your daughter?

I used to feel like this op with swimming lessons more than school. So one day we were late and she had to do the walk of shame into her lesson which did the trick. Infuriating though.

Yes this if there's anyway this could be moved. Or you/someone could go with her for the afternoon one instead.

Or she does weekend walks?

I have a teen with ADHD as well, although he is medicated. I would say encourage as much independence as possible - this has really helped and empowered him and it's vital preparation for independent life - but to use as much assistive tech as needed!

So alarm clock set for an appropriate time and then reminders that pop up and ping on her phone to keep her on track if she has to shower, dress, walk the dog, eat breakfast, get her bags ready, etc. You want to remove the nagging, make her responsible for her own time-keeping, plus get out of the house on time, so the more she is aware of time passing and getting through her jobs, the less you will have to get involved.

My non-ADHD teen is actually more of a problem in the morning than his DB. He is simply lazy and poorly organised, but a strict form teacher who punishes him if he's late and a very loud, old-fashioned, ringing bell-type alarm clock have really helped this year.

@Raindropskeepfallinonmyhead is this a kid with adhd? I’m not sure you can ‘shame’ someone out of symptoms of a disability. If you’d don’t that to me I’d just have never wanted to go to swimming ever again.

OP please never use shame, positive reinforcement tends to work best with ADHD. Obviously everyone is different but shame is not the answer.

One more thing - I went to a talk on ADHD earlier this year and one of the points made was that DC with ADHD hear 20,000 more negative messages by the age of 12 than their NT peers. So any way as a parent that we can cut down on the negative messages/nagging/etc is so important.

I would drop everything other than getting ready, tidying and laundry can be done in the afternoon.
Dog walk I would take over and have her do it after school or the weekends.

Once she's medicated or coping better then think about rearranging things.

Music is a game changer here though, help her make a playlist on Spotify, one artist per task. So Olivia Rodrigo for waking up and showering, Taylor for getting dressed, Chappelle Roan for breakfast and shoes on etc - helps prevent time blindness as the change in artist is the cue to move tasks.

Breakfasts, lunch and bags prepped the night before.
If you drive her I'd have breakfast ready to eat in the car.