“Shut up”

[Whywouldyousaythat88]

Today at a self check out, my 4 year old was crying to me over typical kid stuff when the woman at the self check out next to me said “oh shut up, child” loud enough that both myself and my child heard her.

How would you have reacted?

But she didn't say it directly to the child. She muttered it, loudly enough that the OP could hear, and the OP thought it was ok to confront her.

Whereas in reality, she was just 'expressing her feelings' about the tantruming child. Which the OP should be fine with, because her child is allowed to express his feelings out loud by tantruming loudly🙄.

Except she wasn’t muttering it. She said it, loudly enough for us to hear. And if it had accidentally slipped out like some wee suggesting, she’d have apologised when I asked her if that’s what she said. I would have!

No I’m not fine with her “expressing her feelings” because she’s a fully grown adult being rude and one is a 4 year old struggling to regulate his emotions which is normal

I think you reinforced to your son that his behaviour is appropriate. Now he knows if he kicks off a fuss and whines and anyone says anything, mummy will tell them off.

It's developmentally appropriate for him to behave as he did. What is not normal at all is for an adult to be unable to recognise this.

It's not developmentally appropriate to have that poor emotional regulaton reinforced by a primary caregiver. There are many different approaches to dealing with it but none of the positive ones involve the caregiver praising the child for their behaviour.

Frankly listening to a child shrieking is pretty horrible. Yes it's normal for kids to do this but she was literally saying aloud what many people are thinking. Yes she was rude to say it aloud. Perhaps she didn't think you would hear or perhaps you were being ineffectual at just leaving. Just take your child outside when he is frustrated.

No I’m not fine with her “expressing her feelings” because she’s a fully grown adult being rude and one is a 4 year old struggling to regulate his emotions which is normal

Tbh I see these two things as being linked. Children who are not taught that there is a time and a place, and sometimes they need to control their emotions, will eventually turn into adults who think it is ok to make rude comments to passers-by.

In your situation, I would have told my child to stop carrying on. I would have ignored the lady since her comment, although rude, was not directly addressed to me.

I hope you complained to her supervisor. Incredibly inappropriate of her to say that to the child of a customer.

I’d love to see your source for this please!

Can you also please quote where I said I “praised him” ?

It was another customer

You praised him when you scolded the other woman who was expressing frustration at his emotional disregualtion instead of pointing out that his behaviour doesn't occur in a vacuum. The world doesn't just consist of Mummy and Baby Boy and he needs to start to recognise that. His actions have real world impact and consequences.

Still waiting for your source on all of this please?

Whoops, I totally misread your post op. I thought it was the shop assistant and couldn't understand why there wasn't more outrage. Another customer then I would've probably said something sarcastic like "ooh, someone got out the wrong side of bed today" and then just got on with my shopping.

My source is your story of allowing your child to have an ongoing tantrum which prompted a stranger to tell him to shut up as you were not addressing it. You then told off the stranger for expressing their frustration at your son's behaviour instead of pointing out to him that his terrible racket is being experienced by everyone.

Surely you can see that is harmful to teach? No?

The woman wasn't staff! Just another customer.

@MsChatterbox - to assume someone has dementia because they mutter 'shut up' at a crying child is a huge reach. Has the OP even mentioned that the woman was old??

Ah, just as I thought. Your opinion and not any actual proven methods!

My child wasn’t having a tantrum, and no, it is not harmful to deal with him as I did.

What IS harmful is telling a crying child they shouldn’t be crying, or telling them that whatever they’re upset about isn’t a big deal. Also harmful is using language like “shut up.”

@Whywouldyousaythat88 - I think your mistake was in walking around the shop four times to find something your son wanted to buy. You could have anticipated that he'd be upset after not finding something, so I wouldn't have gone back round again and again. Distract, move on.

"Shut up" is fairly mild tbh. I'm somewhat bemused by some of the posts treating it like the worst sort of profanity. It falls into the 'mildly unkind' category imo, and I remind my kids that we don't speak to each other like that, as well as not saying 'you're a silly poo-poo face!' to each other. But she hardly let rip a string of swear words at your child.

I'm afraid I simply could not get all that exercised over someone muttering 'shut up' (even if they intended to be heard) in the hearing of my child, especially if my child was being annoying. It's a bit precious. As they go through life, your kids will annoy some people and occasionally, very occasionally, people will express their annoyance aloud.

This thread has brought up a distant memory of DD2 howling « I want to spend my money! » when she couldn’t find anything to spend her pocket money on. I think I told her she could give it to me to pay for the shopping. She didn’t want to do that so stopped making a fuss, hopefully it wasn’t too traumatic for her.

I’m amazed by some of the responses here tbh, surely it’s easier for kids to be told to stop whining when they’re young so it doesn’t become a habit? What if an actual bad thing happens to them, how will they deal with it if they’ve been taught it’s okay to create a drama at the drop of a hat?

What happens when they go to school? What will the teacher do if they have a class of 30 all used to expressing themselves whenever they feel the need? If it’s ok for a 4 year old to act up, why not a 10 year old? A 15 year old? Or is there a magic age when you become a grown adult and learn to behave?

I’d have said fuck off and mind your own business.

but then I can be mouthy

Absolutely no need for her to comment or interfere with something that had zero to do with her. To say 'shut up' is offensive. If that was me with my child ('child' meaning its how 4 year olds can behave by testing boundaries in a public place) I'd have said 'excuse me? Why don't u shut up or clear away off and mind your own business?!'

Honestly, if people like her don't like it then they can shop elsewhere - it's a public supermarket for everyone!

I've had this with my DCs, mainly on public transport. Never said anything because what would be the point? Some people just have no filter and say whatever comes into their heads. I always just ignored them, looked after my DCs and assumed there was something slightly wrong with them.

This is Mumsnet, where you become an adult at age 1 and you are a bad parent if your child cries 😂 She was out of line, glad you ignored it though as an argument may have ensued and your child could have been scared.

Although that said I would have told her to shut up herself, I’m a massive hypocrite 😊