Husband and Mum clashing over baby!

[CocoaCravings]

Hi everyone,

Me (25F) and my H (27M) recently moved in temporarily with my parents after having our first baby who's currently a month old due to me wanting family support as I had a scheduled c-section and my H works full time

From day one my mother and H have been clashing over how we raise the baby. There's some bad blood between the two, due to my MIL & SIL. Whenever the in-laws come over they'll make comments about how baby is underfed (baby is in the 77th percentile) or not cleaned properly. The last incident was when my MIL decided to bathe baby at mine and my SIL recorded the entire thing, my mum chimed in and ask they not record baby because it's invasive... this led to a fiery exchange. Now H thinks there is a power imbalance because we live at my mums! And my mum no longer trusts the in-laws. My MIL also insists we feed the baby water because he's "thirsty" despite baby being EBF and supplemented with formula when necessary, my mum was stunned by the suggestion. SIL suggests we leave the baby at theirs for a week to get him "sorted out" cause we're not doing a good job. Also, they recently came over and customised baby's cot with bumpers and pillows - all of which my mum removed immediately due to concerns with SIDS. My H was extremely offended by this as his sister purchased these items (without my know-how btw).

Fast forward to today, we'll be going over to my MILs house very soon for baby's first proper outing and H wants it to be just us but my mum wants to come along too as I'm still pretty immobile and she doesn't trust I'll advocate for myself and baby at theirs. This has really upset my husband.

Hes antisocial and locks himself in the bedroom now with the baby

Any advice on how you'd approach being stuck in the middle between your mum and bonus family ?

Asia is a big bloody continent. What is normal in Pakistan is not the done thing in Nepal for example.

Fast forward to today, we'll be going over to my MILs house very soon for baby's first proper outing and H wants it to be just us but my mum wants to come along too

This is absolutely ridiculous.

Fair enough, you’re living at your mums right now because you need her support but she absolutely does not need to come along to visit your MIL.

No wonder your DP is so frustrated with the situation.

Start visiting MIL more often, so she doesn’t have to go to your mums.
And move out asap.

An Asian dil would just ignore her or be openly rude to her. An unmarried woman living at home has a lower social status than a married dil with a child.

Confinement is the norm in all Asian cultures. It’s the length tht differs.

You are cheating your child, yourself and your husband out of forming a proper family - I should think this might cause more problems in the future. This poster has it right:
"The longer you stay at your parents house, the longer it will take for you and your h to learn how to be a parent."

Everything you've posted is wrong. What's banned is possession of indecent images of children (rather than explicit)- see s.160 Criminal Justice Act 1988. The question for the jury is whether the image would meet an objective test of indecency ie whether the image would be considered indecent according to "recognised standards of propriety" or "the standard of decency which ordinary right-thinking members of the public would set" (see R v Neal [2011] EWCA Crim 461).

I do wish people wouldn't post absolute nonsense on here, such a waste of people's time.

nobody does anything with my baby without mine and husbands say so.

Does this mean you both allowed SIL to film your naked baby? She sounds absolutely deranged to think that was in any way ok.
You are your kids advocate. Be a confident, strong, unshakeable woman and put and end to these suffocating peoples behaviour.

Presumably it's a vicious circle.

The leg injury means she can't go for gentle walks with the pram too build up strength after the section like most of us do.

And the section means she doesn't have the core strength to be getting around on crutches and progressing her recovery from the leg injury. I had straightforward recoveries from my sections but there's no way I could've used crutches in the first six weeks at least, probably more like 8 and she's only a month out.

Then add into it that she's exhausted and of course the recovery is slow going.

honestly, i'd be REALLY concerned taking the baby to the same house they're in.. i wouldn't trust either of them as far as i can throw them to try and stop you leaving with her after the vist.

I know there is cultural stuff at play here, but you have GOT to make it clear to your DH that HIS job is to support YOU, NOT HIS MOTHER.

You keep referring to your “traumatic leg injury” and wearing a “brace”, OP? What exactly happened to your leg? Is it broken? Is it a twisted knee? Torn ligament?

Good for you. However I definitely think your DH is right - you DM should not be tagging along on a day out with his family.

You are an adult and I’ll bet you can advocate perfectly well for your own baby. You know what is right for him- and this is good practice for when you don’t live with your mum.

If you really moved in because you had a C-section then it's time to move back out again. I've never known anyone need to move out because they had a section. Just get on with a simple life by yourselves.

I know it's harder given your living situation OP, but just don't have the two grandmas in the same room. Ever.

They don't actually want each other there while they are spending time with their grandchild. Don't make them share that time.

Then perhaps when the whole thing is less claustrophobic, you and DH can start having each others' backs around your respective parents. Until you start doing that things don't improve.

Your SIL sounds like a dick though so I'd just ignore her.

Do you read the OPs posts or just the first one?

Oh your poor thing, this sounds awful!

First thing is laying down the boundary with your mum that you are living with her for support, not making her the mum to you child. She's there to help you as and when you need it, not dictating how you and DH raise your child. If you aren't firm this could cause a huge divide between you and DH that will wreck the marriage in years to come. Very important to have his back as he is the father - you mum doesn't get precedence over him in how to raise the baby.

As for your MIL and SIL, they sound dreadful and i understand the Asian thing about deference being Asian too. However, it's 2024 and unless you all live in some back of beyond rural village, modern Asian life has adapted where the elders are not given full access to your lives. Your DH needs to put in the same boundaries with them as you are doing with your mum, and grow a pair and stand up to them as needed.

If you can move home sooner I would, and have your mum visit to help - if you're really stuck there till Spring, you'll have to find your voice and advocate for yourself and your baby. All this negative tension and energy is not good for baby, they can sense it and it can cause anxiety from a young age. Try and bond with your DH without all the family present and agree that it's you as a team against all of them. Good luck!

Yeah because filming without permission and cluttering the cot with ill advised bedding that is not recommended and demanding that a month old breast fed baby should be handed over to live with MIL & SIL is such a good idea yes?
Idiot comment

I hope you can manage to recover soon, you properly have your hands full there. There are some truly nasty people on here and they need to chill out, you're trying your best.

I wouldn't respect any elders that were being difficult though, sod that. Talk back to whom you want and they will just have to deal with it.

I can't imagine how you'd cope with a leg injury, a baby, and recovery from a c section without support, so you did do the right thing even though you've got people sticking their nose in left right and centre. Good luck OP, and bollocks to difficult relatives. 🌻

I dont think your mums doing anything wrong, she’s just sticking up for you, maybe because she knows you won’t? Your in laws sound like idiots and I don’t care if they’re a different culture, they live here and you can bring your own baby up how you want to.

A one month old doesn’t need regular outings for goodness sake 😂 why the rush to be out and about? It’s far better for the mother to rest & bond for the first few weeks to recover, rather than potentially stress themselves out and expose baby to germs etc. OP is bed bound as well. By all means take your baby out if you want to but it’s hardly ‘very sad’!

At the end of the day nobody does anything with my baby without mine and husbands say so

So you let them decorate the cot and film your naked baby?

God it sounds awful. Your mum sounds like she knows what she is doing and has your back. Your ILs sound a nightmare. Your DH sounds like he is feeling a little out of it and resentful that his family are being pushed aside. It is hard recovering from a c-section. Priorities need to be you and the baby.

Tell us you haven't read all the OPs posts without telling us

OMG your SIL needs to mind her own business. I don't think I'd be able to get beyond that.

You also have an overbearing MIL who is clearly trying to assert her authority, and a DM who is looking out for her child AND grandchild. I wouldn't want to be you at all right now, sounds ridiculously stressful.

I think I would thank my Mum and tell her I'd look after myself as far as in-laws are concerned; I'd tell my DH that if he doesn't tell his mum to knock it on the head, I will; and I'd tell my SIL to keep her unsolicited and fucking useless advice to herself. If I want advice on dealing with a baby I'd asking people who have actually had one, two of whom are right on hand 🙄

Please actually read the thread properly. They are trapped in a situation where too many people are interfering and she only has one pair of hands.

I’ve skim read some replies and read all yours OP.

Do you think that your Mum has real concerns for both the welfare of the baby and for yourself? Your husband isn’t seeing sense where the women of his family are being intrusive, disrespectful and dangerous with your baby. They also sound downright rude and that they have no respect for your Mum or you. Is he a Mummy’s boy? (That’s not an insult btw) Also, I’d be willing to bet that SiL wouldn’t change even if she did have children.

I can see why your Mum is trying to go with you and I’m surprised lots of others are saying she’s interfering - she’s concerned.