Husband and Mum clashing over baby!

[CocoaCravings]

Hi everyone,

Me (25F) and my H (27M) recently moved in temporarily with my parents after having our first baby who's currently a month old due to me wanting family support as I had a scheduled c-section and my H works full time

From day one my mother and H have been clashing over how we raise the baby. There's some bad blood between the two, due to my MIL & SIL. Whenever the in-laws come over they'll make comments about how baby is underfed (baby is in the 77th percentile) or not cleaned properly. The last incident was when my MIL decided to bathe baby at mine and my SIL recorded the entire thing, my mum chimed in and ask they not record baby because it's invasive... this led to a fiery exchange. Now H thinks there is a power imbalance because we live at my mums! And my mum no longer trusts the in-laws. My MIL also insists we feed the baby water because he's "thirsty" despite baby being EBF and supplemented with formula when necessary, my mum was stunned by the suggestion. SIL suggests we leave the baby at theirs for a week to get him "sorted out" cause we're not doing a good job. Also, they recently came over and customised baby's cot with bumpers and pillows - all of which my mum removed immediately due to concerns with SIDS. My H was extremely offended by this as his sister purchased these items (without my know-how btw).

Fast forward to today, we'll be going over to my MILs house very soon for baby's first proper outing and H wants it to be just us but my mum wants to come along too as I'm still pretty immobile and she doesn't trust I'll advocate for myself and baby at theirs. This has really upset my husband.

Hes antisocial and locks himself in the bedroom now with the baby

Any advice on how you'd approach being stuck in the middle between your mum and bonus family ?

This all sounds horrible for you. I would just keep your MIL and your mum apart. See MIL at her house, with DH there too. And look forward to feeling better and having your own place again soo.

That sounds very sensible, and knowing there’s an end in sight should help your husband too. I can see your mum’s point of view re your MIL and SIL. What they’re suggesting is wrong and filming your baby in the bath is weird.

By far the worst thing is them offering to take your baby for a week to “sort things out”. TBH, they sound horrible and worrying. You’ll have to watch them like a hawk because I bet they’ll be looking to give your baby some water as soon as the chance presents itself. I do think you should explain your concerns re them to your husband, while acknowledging you can see your mum is stressing him.

The bottom line is your baby’s safety and well-being. If your husband is upset and annoyed at your mum ‘pushing in’ as he sees it, then he needs to stop his family making stupid and dangerous suggestions about your baby.

I’m afraid it sounds like you’re hiding behind the leg injury and c section. You don’t really want to do this without your mother and equally you want to whinge about her and everyone else interfering. You can’t have it both ways. If you’re hanging about making out you can’t manage people will start chiming in all over the show.

Get your health visitor involved and get them ALL to back off!

(And the filming, offering to take the baby for a week - wtf - and feeding advice from your in-laws is all bonkers)

One thing - I don’t want this to sound like a criticism at all and I obviously don’t know the details of your leg injury - but for recovery from a c-section the fact that it is still meaningfully impacting your mobility 4 weeks later is unusual and maybe a sign that you need to find ways to mobilise a lot more to get the blood flowing and you mending. I was basically 80 percent back to normal by day 5 and I was nearly 40 and not super healthy so in your mid 20s your recovery should be really good (eg I took my newborn and a bag into A&E on day 5 by myself because of some concerns around his weight gain that ended up not being an issue). I’ll also reiterate - I get this must be hard with the mobility issues but quite a lot of the stuff you’ve described from MIL/SIL is genuinely dangerous. Therefore, if your mother can’t be the one stopping them, you need to find a way to stop them regardless of your condition. I would not let anyone this dangerous be alone for even a few minutes with my baby and I am a pretty relaxed and unanxious parent.

Could there be a possibility of you moving back home and having a home help? I realise this could be expensive, but perhaps your parents and in-laws may be in a position to help financially? This would not only be beneficial to you and your DH, but would help restore the parent/grandparent balance. I would imagine that it must be quite a strain for your parents to have a new baby in the house full time as well as looking after you as you recover.

Are there cultural issues at play here ? Do you have to show deference and respect your elders ? I say this because you are very young parents and Your families are both over bearing and you seem to accept it as the norm ?

I would never dream of bathing a child/ filming a child / accessorising their cot without a parent making a direct request that I do that for them.
As for the comments that the baby is dirty and underfed I would expect my husband to have extreme words with any family who made those type of comments

you must have had a serious accident to be incapable of caring for yourself and your baby By yourself ? It’s mostly sitting on the sofa, putting a wash on daily, and fetching snacks ? You have gone to Cafè and park for a walk so can walk - I am really curious why you need such care till spring ???

I’m not saying you were wrong to move in with your mum but having read all the updates unless you move out pronto you will either fall out for good with your family / his family or potentially be wrecking your marriage . You need to be in your own place and then people from both families could come to you to help out .

@ AimtodobetterI think you'll find the leg injury is a fairly important factor

I quite agree, they are literally accusing her of serious neglect whilst suggesting ideas that could kill or at least seriously harm baby. If someone did that to me that’s the last thing they’d ever say to me. They sure as hell wouldn’t be anywhere within looking distance of me or my baby especially if they’re doing bat-shit, crazy things like they are. OP needs to stand up for herself and her baby and her husband needs to grow a backbone and stop facilitating this absurdity from his mother and sister.

@CocoaCravings You have to talk to your husband before you go to his mothers

He has to be with you standing up to her and his sister. Your mother absolutely cannot go

But he needs to appreciate that so far, their ideas are at the least bonkers to the more serious, dangerous and that they don't do anything with or for the baby that you haven't agreed to.

Babies aren't suppossed to be given water. They need the nutrients from milk.

OP I would move back home. It will probably be a lot less stressful. I was a single parent when I had ds2 and had an emergency section. I went straight back to my own home from the hospital and it was much easier.
Also just smile and nod at any stupid advice. Ds2 now absent father used to chime in and say his dm said I should be feeding newborn ds2 water on a night to make him sleep better 🙄I just said thanks for the advice and completely ignored it the nonsense.
However I would have been very annoyed at sil for wanting to film ds naked in the bath. Be firm with anything that makes you uncomfortable and tell her not to do it. If she’s annoyed then that’s her problem. I wouldn’t dream of filming someone else’s dc, family or not. Especially without asking first!

They are all overstepping, but at least your mum seems to have the baby's safety in mind and her input is at least in line with official guidance. It sounds as though she is concerned that your (rather stupid, irresponsible and critical) in laws are going to rail road you while you're vulnerable, and your H hides in the bedroom avoiding any conflict and generally being of no use at all in challenging them. You obviously trust your mum, so I'd be having a chat with her about how she can support you to stand up for yourself rather than keep jumping in on your behalf. You need her help to do this yourself rather than have her do it for you.

SIL suggests we leave the baby at theirs for a week to get him "sorted out" cause we're not doing a good job.

My flabber is gasted at this! Who on earth does your sil think she is? That would be an immediate fuck off from me

I’m sure it is but OP is also referring to still being hampered by the c-section not just the leg injury. My point is if that’s the case then it’s worth her knowing that is an unusual outcome (lots of people seem to think a healthy c-section recovery takes much longer than it really does because of the general scaremongering about them and she could be one of them). In particular, if I were her and the c-section really still is a meaningful issue I’d be trying to work out why and see if there is something I could do to accelerate her recovery to closer to normal levels eg moving around a lot more even if it’s difficult with he leg.

Obviously your leg injury will still be affecting your ability to get around, but if your section is still causing you issues at this stage this does need to be urgently assessed by a dr.

My concern about your healing us because you university mentioned the section and recovery from that, not your leg injury, and seem to be keeping coming back to your surgical recovery. Only you can know the balance of the pain/difficulty you have between the two issues, but if the section is more than a small part of it, that gives me concerns about your healing (and yes, I say this as someone who had sections also).

Yes he's Asian and so respecting is a must and talking back to your in-laws is prohibited really. We've been married for 2 years and it's been turbulent getting accustomed to the way their family do things.

@pimplebum sorry I wasn't clear, the walks were done by my husband. I've only left the house for dr appointments

We've had words in the past, she's always had an issue with me, she's 10 years older than me and still lives at home. She isn't in a relationship nor has any kids so she tends to insert herself in other people's affairs a LOT

Whenever the in-laws come over they'll make comments about how baby is underfed - not ok
not cleaned properly - not ok

my mum chimed in and ask they not record baby because it's invasive - also not ok - she should have spoken to you about it not them.

H thinks there is a power imbalance because we live at my mums! - could be reasonable but it’s not long term is it?

And my mum no longer trusts the in-laws. - it’s not her battle to fight….

My MIL also insists we feed the baby water because he's "thirsty" despite baby being EBF and supplemented with formula when necessary, - batshit!

SIL suggests we leave the baby at theirs for a week to get him "sorted out" cause we're not doing a good job. - more batshit!

Also, they recently came over and customised baby's cot with bumpers and pillows - all of which my mum removed immediately due to concerns with SIDS. - good
My H was extremely offended by this as his sister purchased these items (without my know-how btw). - well he needs to be educated, maybe get Health Visitor to explain?
Fast forward to today, we'll be going over to my MILs house very soon for baby's first proper outing and H wants it to be just us but my mum wants to come along too as I'm still pretty immobile and she doesn't trust I'll advocate for myself and baby at theirs. - she needs to back off really but also your DH needs to step up and support you

I can imagine that’s hard to navigate especially with your health issues but you really need to find a way to stand up to them. I wouldn’t personally move away from your mother’s until I felt I was confident I could stand up to them fully, and that my husband would do so as well, because the risk of damaging your relationship with them frankly is much much less important than the risk they pose physically to the baby right now if no one is standing up to them.

I think the problem is when we have our first baby we are naturally a bit tentative about making decisions and open ourselves up to lots of advice from well meaning (but often suffocating) family members. I don’t think you made the wrong decision to move on with your parents, it sounds like your MIL is probably a bit jealous, is this her first grandchild by any chance?

Your DH may work long hours but he must step up and manage his mother and sister. It should not be up to you to defend yourself constantly, or your mum either to be honest. He needs to manage this situation even if he’s not physically able to be there all the time.

In all Asian cultures it’s the norm for baby to be raised at the mum’s parents’ for the first 40 days minimum and for in laws not even to see them. In your position I’d remind DH and his family of that and say if they don’t lay off you will begin to interfere when it’s sil’s turn to have a baby. Also, by the same cultural norm, DH shouldn’t be living with your mum - tell him that if he expects you to respect Asian standards then he needs to respect them too, not just when it benefits him / his family.

Well your mum seems a lot more sensible than your in laws but that's not the point. Both sides are way too involved. You need to raise your child without constant interference from everyone.