Active discussions

Help end medical misogyny. Sign our petition.

Help end medical misogyny.
Sign our petition.

Sign the petition

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Does my DD need to know how to wipe her bum if she does a poo before starting school?

258 replies

RedRobyn2021 · 16/10/2024 11:11

DD is 3.5 and we are looking at starting her in reception the term after she turns 4, she won't be going full time but it to help make the transition easier when she goes full time September next year.

I saw a parent on fb group I'm in saying their just turned 4yo (turned 4 in August) is coming home without their bum wiped properly after a poo because they're being left to do it themselves at school.

I am panicking now

My daughter has even potty trained for 1.5 years and will do all her wees in the toilet but will only poo in her potty. I didn't think this was the end of the world but when i saw this I realised I've never taught her how to wipe her bum (she's fine with wees)

Please can a teacher or parent who knows better advise me what's the norm? I'm quite worried now

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
ThisSharpNavyRaven · 16/10/2024 12:57

I wouldn't worry too much, lots of children don't know how to wipe properly at 4, and you may need to go over it a bit with her

However I would really double check this starting reception a term early. If this is something the school is putting in place themselves then I'm very confused how it will work in practice. The reception teachers will have a full class of the 24/24 reception cohort. Who will be teaching the early starters? Also, you won't have been allocated a place for reception 25/26 yet so I'm unsure how they and you can be so definite that she will have a place at this school. It's a big process for local authorities to allocate places (which will be done between January - April 2025 for your daughter's intake) and for primary schools to enroll reception children (usually done in the summer). I personally wouldn't be that keen for my child to start Reception a term early, and I'm absolutely certain that there's no way the school can enforce this, as there is no legal obligation for a child to attend school until the term after they turn 5.

I'd check what they are planning on doing with these early starters as it could end up confusing/upsetting for your daughter to be lumped in with the year above reception cohort. And if she'd be in a different classroom with different teachers to the usual reception classes then I don't see the point in starting her early at all.

Sorry for the long response, I've just never heard of this situation and I'd be finding out more about the rationale if I were you. The toilet example is just one instance of something that could end up upsetting your child by starting reception early.

Original poster
RedRobyn2021 · 16/10/2024 12:57

BenditlikeBridget · 16/10/2024 12:36

If she isn’t wiping herself and she will only poo on the potty, she isn’t fully toilet trained yet. I think you’ve stopped halfway not realising you haven’t completed it fully, but that’s ok, you’ve plenty of time.

Get her doing everything in the toilet now. No more potty. Then she holds the loo roll while you wipe her. Then she learns to wipe her wees, then finally the poos. You’ve got ages, don’t fret, but yeah, you’re not done yet!

She does all her wees in the toilet and wipes herself, it's just her poo.

I'm pregnant and I don't know if this has had any bearing but she's been a lot more clingy and wanting me to do everything for her, even feed her sometimes (ironic as we did BLW so I didn't even feed her when she was a baby!). I think lately this has made it even harder to get her to use the toilet for her poos, I'm like a broken record asking her to do it.

I'm going to talk to her about it some more this afternoon.

OP posts:
Jojimoji · 16/10/2024 12:58

Heatwavenotify · 16/10/2024 11:23

Is this real? Of course teachers are not going to be wiping 30 kids bums. When do you expect them to teach. You’re their parent. It’s absolutely your job to toilet train your child. And barring any developmental/disabilities no child should be going to school in nappies. And that’s not a good enough excuse to not parent effectively and send your child in unprepared for basic self care. I’m gobsmacked this is even a question. You don’t need a teacher to come here and tell you to get a grip. Sorry if this sounds harsh but I’ve never heard anything like it !

Absolutely this.
I've been teaching for 34 years, and the fact that the OP ( or anyone ) feels the need to even ask this question is depressing.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3 year olds 4 year olds Families Potty training
CarterBeatsTheDevil · 16/10/2024 12:58

Lau2108 · 16/10/2024 12:24

I have to say some of these comments feel a bit harsh. Every child develops at different stages. The sarcastic 'obviously' style comments don't seem very fair on OP.

Mine started school last year, he's a late August baby so he started school a week after his 4th birthday. Developmentally, he is a bit slower than some on the uptake of some fine motor skills (within range for a summer born boy). He also struggled with toilet training and wasn't fully ready until around 3 and a half. When he started, he could toilet but couldn't fully wipe his own bottom, he struggled to get his head around the coordination needed. His reception class had the most amazing teaching assistant, honestly don't think I've met a lovelier lady. He, and some of his classmates, needed a bit more support at the start of the year, she would help and wipe their bottoms if needed. She's been doing the job decades and said its always been a thing, its just spoken about more now. With practice, and realising some of his friends did it themselves too which made him more determined, he could wipe himself fully by just after Christmas. He now occasionally has the odd small skid mark when he comes home but that's normally because it's been a bit messier than usual or he's been in a rush. It's not the end of the world, he'll tell me if he's done a poo at school that day so when he goes to the toilet next I check his pants, if needed freshen him up and change him.

If your daughter is ready, definitely introduce it now and you've got plenty of time to practice. The more you stress about it, the more that's going to rub off on them and that's not going to help.

I agree with this. Our reception teacher came to visit the kids at home before they started and told us that we shouldn't worry about it (ours could do a token wipe but it wasn't really good enough) because they tend just not to go at school. And that's how it's been, I think.

DaffodilPants · 16/10/2024 12:58

Kids starting school in nappies! WTF. That can’t be usual

It seems to be more and more common. Unheard of when I started school and likewise my own children. I wonder what the explanation could be?

Calypso321 · 16/10/2024 12:59

okayhescereal · 16/10/2024 11:33

@fruitbrewhaha your post is so refreshing!! I asked for help on here once with encouraging my children to get themselves dressed and ready in the mornings. The response was scathing! All these posters saying I was being cruel and also making my life difficult for no reason. I should be the one dressing them and brushing their teeth. I'm absolutely on hand if they need help with these things, but I'm not going to do it for them when they're perfectly capable. One responder said she brushed her child's teeth till he was 10. I seriously try super hard not to judge other people's parenting, but I found it hard to see that it was me who was 'wrong' in that scenario.

OP I think you can encourage her but it's going to depend on the length of her arms 😂 and a few other things. My son is 5, he has a go every time but he struggles to do a good job so still needs someone to check. My daughter is 3 and she's pretty much got the hang of it already.

I agree with letting them get dressed themselves etc. it’s really important for them to learn those skills.

But under the age of 7 you absolutely should be brushing their teeth for them. Our dentist says it’s really important that adults do this to avoid tooth decay. By all means let them have a go first, but then have a quick scrub round yourself afterwards to make sure all the teeth have been brushed.

Bunny44 · 16/10/2024 12:59

Would you really want the teachers to spend all their time wiping 30 bums? Not only is it unrealistic but also pretty unhygienic.

Bornnotbourne · 16/10/2024 13:00

2 balloons tied together , Nutella ane some wipes. Turn it into a game. You taught her to use the potty so she’s capable of learning.

LlynTegid · 16/10/2024 13:02

Hope you can sort this out OP. Good luck this afternoon and beyond.

PrincessOfPreschool · 16/10/2024 13:03

Yes

berksandbeyond · 16/10/2024 13:03

Depends on whether you want her coming home covered in poo? Honestly I despair at these questions!

PrimalLass · 16/10/2024 13:03

Why would you want or expect a teacher in school to do that?

IAmTooOldFor · 16/10/2024 13:04

RedRobyn2021 · 16/10/2024 12:50

Yes I agree with you

It's a small village school where reception and year 1 are together so there will be children still in the same class as her when she starts in September

I do appreciate your opinion because this is what has me in two minds

But I'm worried about her starting 5 days a week straight away, I thought going a couple of days a week from April might make the transition easier

Show quote history

It’s natural to worry about the 5 days whilst she’s still so young (ie now) but she will have lived a further 1/3 of her life more by next Sept and probably be raring to go!! Also remember that school days in the UK are short (9-3) whereas lots of kids do more like 8-5 at nursery.

School won’t let a parent attend a normal school day for safeguarding reasons but as per PP they’ll probably do stay and play days in the Summer hols and lots of schools take 2-3 weeks to ease the Receptioners in - ie 1 week of mornings, then 1 week of afternoons before going full time on week 3.

Onabench · 16/10/2024 13:04

Yes she needs to know. Here, they will help to a degree but they will call you to go in and sort them yourselves, if the situation arises at school and the child has made a mess.

rainfallpurevividcat · 16/10/2024 13:06

I usually went to a silly book to help with this kind of thing to make it funny.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Need-New-Bum-Dawn-McMillan/dp/1407196014/ref=pd_sbs_d_sccl_3_4/260-0013317-4971928?pd_rd_w=ZP2XA&content-id=amzn1.sym.a6779871-f1b3-4f65-8ecd-f839d6272217&pf_rd_p=a6779871-f1b3-4f65-8ecd-f839d6272217&pf_rd_r=V0J4TQ2NQ8YX90WYJVRT&pd_rd_wg=tkuS0&pd_rd_r=de93ede8-bee3-449b-b750-6a52cf1136b0&pd_rd_i=1407196014&psc=1

There are quite a few others in that genre!

DD2 was toilet trained at 3 for wees but was scared to do a poo on the toilet, so we read a silly book called "Peek a Poo" and it seemed to remove some of the fear and in another couple of weeks she got it.

nosmartphone · 16/10/2024 13:07

RedRobyn2021 · 16/10/2024 11:25

@Cas112

I think you need to take into account children who are neurodiverse. It's easy to make a blanket statement like that.

I potty trained my daughter at 2yo, she was very capable but I don't pretend to know everyone's situation.

I agree teachers shouldn't have to wipe bums, but then maybe kids shouldn't be starting school at just turned 4?

And maybe parents should spend time teaching the basics so that the teachers can teach? At 4 my daughter was training 8 hrs a week gymnastics. Easily able to wipe her own bum.

My neurodiverse child was also wiping his own bum at that age (admittedly not always to the highest standard but you get there!)

nosmartphone · 16/10/2024 13:08

DaffodilPants · 16/10/2024 12:58

Kids starting school in nappies! WTF. That can’t be usual

It seems to be more and more common. Unheard of when I started school and likewise my own children. I wonder what the explanation could be?

Lazy 30 year old parents. And i blame my generation for that!

Idontlikeyou · 16/10/2024 13:09

Onabench · 16/10/2024 13:04

Yes she needs to know. Here, they will help to a degree but they will call you to go in and sort them yourselves, if the situation arises at school and the child has made a mess.

Really? What if you are nowhere near school? They’d be waiting 2hrs or more for anyone to get to DD when we’re not WFH.

oakleaffy · 16/10/2024 13:09

fruitbrewhaha · 16/10/2024 11:19

Yep, she will need to learn to wipe herself.

Also, I think many mothers are guilty
of this, we have a totally dependent baby and we do everything for them, so now step back and get her doing things for herself. Getting dressed, pouring a drink, making a sandwich, cutting a banana, putting on shoes, putting clean washing away, making bed, tidying toys away, sweeping the floor, ad infinitum. It’s for her and your own good.

Spot on. Kids often like to help when little.

Get a small step up footrest and one of those children's smaller ''lavatory seats'' - and teach your child to use it and also to wipe her own bottom ''front to back''.

Teachers aren't bottom wipers.

It's been on Radio 4 recently about the lack of toilet training in children before they start school.

Starking · 16/10/2024 13:10

A teacher friend said a reception kid once popped their head around the toilet door and shouted “who wipes my bum?”. Teacher said “give us a wave” followed by “that hand does”

Original poster
RedRobyn2021 · 16/10/2024 13:10

@Jojimoji

Would be interested to know what age group you teach?

OP posts:
johnd2 · 16/10/2024 13:10

Nothing like a toilet training thread to bring out the dregs of the internet
OP: "I'm worried that my child doesn't wipe their own bottom at 3.5"
Arseholes x 100: "what?? Call yourself a parent? This is why the world has gone down the toilet!, In my day I didn't take nappies to the maternity suite, I had mine trained by the time they were weighed by the midwife. By 3.5 they could fix the flush on the toilet and do their own laundry"

Littlebitoflove1234 · 16/10/2024 13:11

Have u looked at Eric for tips of how to transition to poos in the toilet.

I’m presuming she not properly starting school, five days a week, full school days in April, and it’s more of a settling in sessions available (our school does them when they go back after may half term). Our school offer a couple, but are happy to offer more if needed, so my girl will be going hopefully once a week for the last half term ready to start in sept (again small village school with several years in one class) as school start will be difficult for her (already a summer baby whose school start is being deferred by a year)

if she’s not going full time in April and she doesn’t enjoy going for a poo outside of a nappy and it’s not sorted itself out by then it’s unlikely that she’s going to be using the school toilets for poos any way x

AncientAndModern1 · 16/10/2024 13:11

It’s time for the potty to meet with an unfortunate accident that means it has gone in the bin. Use a in-loo seat if she frightened of falling in the loo but the potty has to disappear

Kitkat1523 · 16/10/2024 13:12

The ERIC charity are now advising that potty learning starts around 6 to 8 months ( or when a baby can sit unaided) …..I believe Heath Visitors and other paediatric health professionals are now giving out this advice …..also that the potty should stay in the bathroom so that children associate weeping and pooing with the bathroom …..this has come about due to so many child starting school lacking toileting skills