Does my DD need to know how to wipe her bum if she does a poo before starting school?

[RedRobyn2021]

DD is 3.5 and we are looking at starting her in reception the term after she turns 4, she won't be going full time but it to help make the transition easier when she goes full time September next year.

I saw a parent on fb group I'm in saying their just turned 4yo (turned 4 in August) is coming home without their bum wiped properly after a poo because they're being left to do it themselves at school.

I am panicking now

My daughter has even potty trained for 1.5 years and will do all her wees in the toilet but will only poo in her potty. I didn't think this was the end of the world but when i saw this I realised I've never taught her how to wipe her bum (she's fine with wees)

Please can a teacher or parent who knows better advise me what's the norm? I'm quite worried now

The school I was in did not do this. Just a blank refusal then kids left to go home still with shit on them. Friends told me about their kids coming home with a full poo in their pants or with shit on them too. These are people whose kids go to ' good' schools in 'nice' parts of Wales.

Kids that are 4 years old were never thought to wipe themselves this is just crazy

My youngest started in the 'cubs' room, which was pre nursery, so 2-3 year olds. They had little uniforms and were expected to be toilet trained. There was a bit more help in that room though.

I have to say some of these comments feel a bit harsh. Every child develops at different stages. The sarcastic 'obviously' style comments don't seem very fair on OP.

Mine started school last year, he's a late August baby so he started school a week after his 4th birthday. Developmentally, he is a bit slower than some on the uptake of some fine motor skills (within range for a summer born boy). He also struggled with toilet training and wasn't fully ready until around 3 and a half. When he started, he could toilet but couldn't fully wipe his own bottom, he struggled to get his head around the coordination needed. His reception class had the most amazing teaching assistant, honestly don't think I've met a lovelier lady. He, and some of his classmates, needed a bit more support at the start of the year, she would help and wipe their bottoms if needed. She's been doing the job decades and said its always been a thing, its just spoken about more now. With practice, and realising some of his friends did it themselves too which made him more determined, he could wipe himself fully by just after Christmas. He now occasionally has the odd small skid mark when he comes home but that's normally because it's been a bit messier than usual or he's been in a rush. It's not the end of the world, he'll tell me if he's done a poo at school that day so when he goes to the toilet next I check his pants, if needed freshen him up and change him.

If your daughter is ready, definitely introduce it now and you've got plenty of time to practice. The more you stress about it, the more that's going to rub off on them and that's not going to help.

Unless a child has Sen then they obviously should be wiping their own bum!
Some children will come to school not potty trained but there should be a very specific reason why that is the case. Other peoples kids being in nappies is no reason for your child not to be potty trained.
Is there a reason your child will only be starting reception part time. At 3.5 already are not young in their year group.

The ableism and ignorance is off the charts here.

Don't worry, you've got ages for her to learn. Even if she doesn't do it perfectly and leaves the odd skidmark, it won't be the end of the world.

Both of mine could do it by pre school which started when they were 4. Obviously like other posters say, you will get the occasional skid mark as they're still learning, but that's part of the learning curve. If you start practicing now, you'll probably be surprised at how quick she picks it up. Once the habit of doing it is in place, it will become second nature to her. Just expect the odd little incident but it's no big deal and teachers won't be snarky over little accidents when they're actually trying.

@Chillisintheair

I don't think so! It's got a good reputation, I'm new to all this DD is my first

I checked online and it says school capacity is 70 but they currently have 79 pupils? So it doesn't look like they're undersubscribed

Your priority needs to be getting your child to poo on the toilet, not the potty. School is not going to provide a potty.

It's impossible for her to wipe when she's sitting on the potty, anyway. Once she's on the toilet it shouldn't be an issue. She might not wipe thoroughly, but she'll have the space to reach and have a go.

If she is starting after Easter she must be going into the Nursery Class not Reception.
Nursery Classes do sometimes have more TA's so there may be someone to help. They often need to assist if there are accidents (many girls can't get their tights off) and help them clean up.
So help is usually there if a child unfortunately gets themselves in a mess.
But......."Miss come and wipe my bum" isn't expected to happen.
You could wait until September and start her in Reception at the normal time. She doesn't need to go at Easter.
Edit : just seen it's a teeny tiny school. I assume know separate Nursery Class.
You need to find out how many TA's cover EYFS/Key Stage 1. They will help (not literally wipe her backside) if there's enough.

OP, I am honestly stunned that you have to ask this question. She should also know to wash her hands every time, properly.

She also needs to be able to take her coat on and off and do it up and undo it, take her shoes on and off, get changed into her PE kit and out of it again and back into her uniform. If the coat has a zip, make sure that it won't constantly get stuck or snagged (the hours of my life that I spent sorting out stuck zips, sometimes with a slightly panicking child stuck inside the garment needing a lot of reassurance that it was okay, I would be able to get it off...)

Please choose her clothes and shoes with this in mind. Staff with the youngest children do expect to help, and will, but there are just not enough of them to sort out every child in the class, nor even the all of the younger end of the cohort.

Plus, self-reliance is good for children. Obviously they shouldn't be bullied into it if they're not ready, but teaching them to take care of some of their basic needs can really build up their faith in their own abilities.

You do need to teach her to wipe, but if she's anything like my kids, she will dab daintily at her bum with a bit of toilet roll and skidders will be a fact of life for a few years yet! I am pretty sure most of the kids in Reception hadn't fully got to grips with bum-wiping either, so I wouldn't worry about it too much (although get the bum wiping process in motion!).

@gladrefrain

this is so sad

I appreciate the comments saying their children were capable from a young age, I have a very capable child (even if I haven't taught her to wipe her bum yet) but to expect everyone to be at the same stage just breaks my heart.

How is it ok to treat our children like this? What does this say about the adults that are meant to be caring for them?

Some comments 🙄
OP, you are definitely not the only one realising last minute that the wiping part needs to be taught before school.
And when we say teachers won’t help it means that by default they accompany every child going to the toilet - but if there is poo everywhere most will help!
Realistically, teach your daughter how to do it and make sure she does it at home. Then be prepared for occasionally dirty underwear at the beginning.

Ignore the outrageous and jaw dropping reactions. She has plenty of time to learn. It takes a couple of weeks. Don’t stress about it yet. I would try to get her used to using the toilet however. Children all seem to manage. They might not do it very effectively which is why I always bathed mine every night.

My daughter can do all of those things and has been able to for a long time

I just haven't taught her how to wipe her own bum yet!

Thank you

Exactly!

Of course she does! Hoinestly, who else is going to wipe it for her and why would anyone consider sending a child to school who did not know how to do that?

If she isn’t wiping herself and she will only poo on the potty, she isn’t fully toilet trained yet. I think you’ve stopped halfway not realising you haven’t completed it fully, but that’s ok, you’ve plenty of time.

Get her doing everything in the toilet now. No more potty. Then she holds the loo roll while you wipe her. Then she learns to wipe her wees, then finally the poos. You’ve got ages, don’t fret, but yeah, you’re not done yet!

We do in pre-school. But we stop the term before they go to school. And we do expect parents to put the effort in to teach them at home.

Obviously how? Most people send their kids to childcare where they are entirely taken care of by caregivers and aren’t sure at what age that stops. It’s not THAT obvious

My kids range from 12 - 20 and I honestly can’t remember the age they learned to wipe their own bums. When their arms were long enough to reach probably.
This suggests it’s unlike to be an issue op, I wouldn’t worry. Children of that age have a range of abilities, there’s no one size fits all approach. School will work with you.

@RedRobyn2021 don't feel too bad.
I realised at a similar age that my daughter couldn't walk up and down stairs.
We live in a block of flats with a lift so always used that - and still used the pushchair when out and about so needed to use lifts in shopping centres etc.
Doing the school tours before Reception I realised when we visited the school with several sets of stairs 🙂