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Original poster

THE ONE THING I ASKED HIM NOT TO DO!!!

398 replies

imverynosey · 10/09/2024 15:25

Soooo angry right now. AIBU?
I asked my partner to watch our 2 month old whilst I went for afternoon tea (first time I'd ever left them alone properly)

I specifically said PLEASE DO NOT FALL ASLEEP WITH HER ON YOU OR NEXT TO YOU ON THE SOFA. He knows how anxious I am about SIDS, he's heard the horror stories. He knows babies have died this way. All day I had a dreadful anxiety that he would do it and woe betide I come in and they are asleep next to each other on the sofa!!! I'm so angry my wishes have yet again being DISRESPECTED AND IGNORED !!!!!

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Original poster
imverynosey · 10/09/2024 16:55

@Gardendiary I am so sorry x

OP posts:
TheaBrandt · 10/09/2024 16:56

Where are his protective instincts? Dh went the other way the first time the new baby was slightly sick he asked if we should put her in the recovery position! Every visitor that had been on the tube he made wash their hands. Remember eye rolling at the time but actually good for him - he has remained an excellent and involved father.

Cinai2 · 10/09/2024 16:56

whydididothatagain · 10/09/2024 15:39

Also why was he sleeping in the afternoon? That's another red flag. If he can't keep awake then I'd be worried he was drinking heavily or taking drugs around the baby.

That made me chuckle. “Tell me you don’t have a newborn without telling me you don’t have a newborn”.
But yes, falling asleep with a newborn on the sofa is dangerous. It’s my main worry that I’ll ever be so sleep deprived to fall asleep while holding my baby.

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CheeseyOnionPie · 10/09/2024 16:56

imverynosey · 10/09/2024 16:55

I absolutely had the mother's instinct today. I had a horrible feeling on my way home. I rushed home and in the door to find my instinct to be right :(

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Btw you sound like an amazing mum!

Tomorrowisyesterday · 10/09/2024 16:57

I have fallen asleep holding a baby I was feeding in the middle of the night. I'm sure I'm not the only one. All well thankfully. But the fright I got I will not forget!

Original poster
imverynosey · 10/09/2024 16:57

Dinoswearunderpants · 10/09/2024 16:45

I also disagree with sleeping with babies but surely he did not intentionally do this. Mistakes happen, especially if you're both sleep deprived.

I can understand your upset but I do think you're being a bit OTT. Again, I completely agree you shouldn't sleep with babies but I'd be curious to know whether this was a simple mistake or does he think differently to the sleeping arrangements.

It's a mistake that could of cost my daughter her very short life

OP posts:
Sia8899 · 10/09/2024 16:58

How old is he if he’s using phrases like "it's not that deep" ?? He sounds like an immature teenager in all regards and this actually is “that deep”. I’m glad you’re standing your ground and making him see that

Original poster
imverynosey · 10/09/2024 16:58

Sia8899 · 10/09/2024 16:58

How old is he if he’s using phrases like "it's not that deep" ?? He sounds like an immature teenager in all regards and this actually is “that deep”. I’m glad you’re standing your ground and making him see that

I agree with you!!! But he is 29 x

OP posts:
Lose6pounds · 10/09/2024 16:58

This is an insane over reaction. A father's way of doings things is as valuable as a mother’s. You have no right to impose your ott anxiety about sids on either your husband or your baby.

Littlemisscapable · 10/09/2024 16:58

I'm really easygoing but not about this. It is a real risk and something I would have worried about and really took care not to do. Sorry this has happened it's time for a very serious conversation.

TuVuoiFaLamericano · 10/09/2024 16:59

@Pantaloons99 and @KeebabSpider sorry to derail your thread, op, but wanted to thank you both for your posts. Something similar happened to me (let's just say mil, my babies / toddlers at open windows on the 2nd floor, and multiple offences). She very much made me out to be "overreacting".

Op, it's sad but it's trust damaging. You will always wonder now when your little one is with him... It's a horrible thing especially with baby's dad. But you just can't leave her with him.

ToBeDetermined · 10/09/2024 16:59

Cinai2 · 10/09/2024 16:56

That made me chuckle. “Tell me you don’t have a newborn without telling me you don’t have a newborn”.
But yes, falling asleep with a newborn on the sofa is dangerous. It’s my main worry that I’ll ever be so sleep deprived to fall asleep while holding my baby.

Show quote history

It can happen! I came far too close myself. Scared the shit out of myself by nodding off…it seems the easiest thing in the world to not fall asleep when the baby finally goes to sleep.

Ketryne · 10/09/2024 16:59

imverynosey · 10/09/2024 16:48

I have told him genuine stories even the nurse at her check up said a suffocated baby came into a&e last week. I cannot believe this. He has work tonight and I've said I want him to go back to his mums in the morning. He needs to fully understand the severity of what has just happened.

So he acted like he had not done wrong initially, saying "it was just for two minutes in so tired" he said "it's not that deep" as I was crying my eyes out. He eventually said sorry and that he was really tired, that he understands and will not do it again.

Yes there's a Moses basket down here and he said "every time I put her down she screamed"
What so you just risk her life instead? He's a spoilt man child and I am so so angry and disappointed at his irresponsible behaviour. This comes on the back of him coming in drunk from pub on Sunday just gone, and saying he was "alright to look after her" whilst I popped to shop. SMELLING of alcohol. Needless to say I did NOT leave her in his care. I'm starting to immensely dislike him.

I would be so desperately upset about this too, and I think your reaction is entirely understandable.

It sounds like he hasn't fully grasped the extent to which his life has changed now you have a baby to look after. It also sounds like you're experiencing immense emotional upheaval as you FULLY comprehend the enormous weight of that life change. These two stances are making things feel incompatible at the moment.

He needs to grow up and sort his shit out. Perhaps some time sent away to his mum's will help with that (heavily depending on how much she is thinks the sun shines out of him...) but I think it's early enough for you both recalibrate and hopefully become a team again if you can communicate and treat each other with honesty and compassion.

You must have liked him enough to have a baby with, and 2 months in isn't the time to be making drastic life choices like divorce.

Do what you need to keep your baby alive and safe, and try to look after yourself as much as you can. If you need help, ask for it - from family and friends or doctors if it's getting too much. And hopefully he'll realise he's not stepped up to where he needs to, and you'll be able to rebuild the trust.

Wishing you well.

Original poster
imverynosey · 10/09/2024 16:59

@CheeseyOnionPie thank you so much x

OP posts:
UpUpUpU · 10/09/2024 17:00

This is so so wrong.

I am a midwife and I have cared for more than one family in which this has happened to them. It is so easy to do and he needs to know he could have killed his child today. It’s that serious and I am shakey the one rolling my eyes at threads.

I am 110% in your corner for this OP.

fizzymizzy · 10/09/2024 17:00

Lose6pounds · 10/09/2024 16:58

This is an insane over reaction. A father's way of doings things is as valuable as a mother’s. You have no right to impose your ott anxiety about sids on either your husband or your baby.

It's not about fathers v mothers

It's about keeping the child alive.

BobbyBiscuits · 10/09/2024 17:01

@imverynosey yeah, I'd say it's great you've got his mum to look after the baby. This is no reflection on you, but my mum would never have dreamt of leaving me with my dad as a baby. I guess that's old fashioned but he probably would've done similar. Or worse. He never did any actual 'parenting' but that was the 80s.
Hopefully your DH will learn to be more responsible once your child is older.

OutVileJelly1 · 10/09/2024 17:01

One of my family fell asleep with a baby on them and there was a crushing incident and the baby suffered long term life changing effects - survived but will need care for the rest of her life

I would literally combust if my partner did this

Theseventhmagpie · 10/09/2024 17:01

I would be raging. Show him this thread so he understands you are not over reacting.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 10/09/2024 17:01

Lose6pounds · 10/09/2024 16:58

This is an insane over reaction. A father's way of doings things is as valuable as a mother’s. You have no right to impose your ott anxiety about sids on either your husband or your baby.

A fathers way of doing things is as valuable as a mother's? Even when it has been proven statistically to be incredibly dangerous and kill?
That's like saying it's OK to put baby in car with no car seat and drive around at 100 miles an hour just because I want to and its my way of doing things, what planet are you on

Original poster
imverynosey · 10/09/2024 17:01

Lost our first at 13 weeks as in I was pregnant. Not 13 weeks old x

OP posts:
Doublesidedstickytape · 10/09/2024 17:02

whydididothatagain · 10/09/2024 15:39

Also why was he sleeping in the afternoon? That's another red flag. If he can't keep awake then I'd be worried he was drinking heavily or taking drugs around the baby.

Seriously??🙄🙄🙄

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 10/09/2024 17:02

BobbyBiscuits · 10/09/2024 17:01

@imverynosey yeah, I'd say it's great you've got his mum to look after the baby. This is no reflection on you, but my mum would never have dreamt of leaving me with my dad as a baby. I guess that's old fashioned but he probably would've done similar. Or worse. He never did any actual 'parenting' but that was the 80s.
Hopefully your DH will learn to be more responsible once your child is older.

My Mum never left me alone with my Dad either.

meisafairy · 10/09/2024 17:03

Weaponised incompetence

Whatisityoucantface · 10/09/2024 17:04

Everyone who has had a newborn, soon learns that falling asleep on the sofa with a baby could happen because everyone is very tired and babies like to be next to/on you. Everyone who has a newborn and takes responsibility to understand how best to care for their baby does everything to avoid this from happening.
The alarming thing here is his failing to acknowledge that it is dangerous, ignoring your request (which I suspect you made because you know he isn’t taking responsibility as you would like when it comes to the baby?) and then suggesting that you are over reacting when you found he has done the very thing you warned him against. This is not how parenting your child together works. You take joint responsibility and the safety and well-being of your baby is the absolute priority.
I would often start dozing whilst feeding and comforting my babies at night and my husband would be the one shaking me to wake up so that I did not fall asleep holding the baby. Because he knew it was dangerous and was taking responsibility for the safety of our baby.

You need your partner to start showing you that he is taking this seriously. Otherwise you have a serious problem. Thankfully your baby is ok and this can be a real turning point for him, or for you.